Midnight Pals: Oates the GOAT (Patreon)

JK Rowling: hello childrenPoe: ahRowling: I have excellent newsssssRowling: my terf death eaterssss have acquired a very exciting new celebrity getRowling: time to celebrate! Letsss get ssssome tunessss playing![‘Streets of Cairo’ starts playing, Rowling sways hypnotically to beat]

Poe: what? what’s this celebrity get?Rowling: the entire new York times op-ed sectionBarker: those aren’t celebritiesPoe: oh clive I’m sure that to some people-Barker: name onePoe:

Rowling: we alsssso have luna lovegood!Barker: do you nowRowling: she’s a very famous actresssssBarker: oh yeah? whats her nameRowling: it’s luRowling:Rowling: this is harasssssment!! Rowling: well we also haveRowling:Rowling: I’m pretty ssssure we have joyce carol oatesBarker: ha ha oh manBarker: oh I’ve got something really funny to tell youBarker: ha ha Joyce Carol Oates: hey everyone it’s me, Joyce Carol OatesOates: I got some new takes for youOates: and I gotta warn youOates: some of these takeOates: are a littleOates: [sunglasses flash ‘WILD’] WILD!!!

Oates: Halloween, what’s up with that? Skeletons are pretty fucked upOates: when will they legalize same height marriageOates: I think there should be less cheese on thingsOates: ok that’s enough wild takes, time for a normal oneOates: trans people shouldn’t be murdered

JK Rowling: OATESSSS! How could you!!!Rowling: betrayalllllRowling: terf death eatersss!! Take her down!!!Rowling: desssstroy her like she was graham Norton!!

Joyce Carol Oates: what’s your problemOates: maybe you should get a real lifeRowling: what theRowling: how dare you!!!Rowling: I have a life!!Rowling: it’sss very full and rewarding!!

Oates: maybe you should get a hobbyRowling: I have plenty of hobbiessss!Rowling: like going to transphobic brunchessss with people who wear masssksss of my face!!Rowling: andRowling: andRowling: I have a whole room of candy in my ssscottish casssstle!!!Rowling: do you!?

Rowling: die!!!![Oates effortlessly sidesteps attack]Rowling: how are you so fasssst, you old devil?!Rowling: I thought your foot was all fucked up!Oates: I got betterOates: come at me bro