Midnight Pals: Crime Time (Patreon)

[mysterious circle of robed figures]Jesse Singal: mommy mommy look at me!!Singal: I’m a real reporter!!!JK Rowling: you’re doing great jesssseSingal: I did it for you mommy!Singal: I did it all for you!!!

Singal: mommy mommy!!! Singal: I have an affadavit mommy!!!Singal: a kid went to a clinic and said they were an attack helicopter and got hormones!!!Singal: I saw the helicopter and the helicopter looked at me!!!Rowling:Rowling: ssssoundssss legit

Singal: a kid went to a clinic & said they were an attack helicopter & got hormones!!!!!Rowling: that definitely ssoundss like ssomething that would happenRowling: wait what kind of hormonessSingal:Singal: helicopter hormones?Rowling:Rowling: right right of coursseRowling: there’sss no way that couldn’t be real

Jesse Singal: mommy mommy people are being mean to me onlineSingal: they’re saying that the helicopter thing was a self-deprecating joke!Rowling: that doesssn’t sssound rightRowling: everyone knowssss that transsss people never sssay anything that isssn’t 100% true

Rowling: that’ssss why you have to take everything they sssay absssolutely at face valueRowling: except when they talk about their genderRowling: that’sss the only exception

JK Rowling: excellent work, jessssseRowling: thissss will definitely help our causssseRowling: when they hear how we’re sssspreading private medical information about children, people will definitely underssstand that we’re the good guyssss in thissss situation Rowling: wow, look at all this private medical information! This is great!Rowling: wait one second, I’m getting a note from my lawyer[alison bailey places lump of wet spaghetti in JK Rowling’s hand]

Singal: mommy look I got an affidavit saying that the helicopter is real!!Singal: you can’t lie in an affidavit!!!Singal: [examining affadavit closely] huhSingal: funny thing about this affadavitSingal: it was never notarizedSingal: [trips, spaghetti falls out of affidavit]

Singal: golly mommy!!! People are saying that I did a hippaa violation!!Singal: I better destroy this evidence!Singal: [more spaghetti falling out of pockets] where does all this spaghetti keep coming from? Singal: [desperately shoving wet spaghetti back into pockets] hey does anyone know if it’s a crime to do a crime