Midnight Pals: The Shaver Mystery (Patreon)

Richard Sharpe Shaver: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the underground monster people that can control us with mind raysStephen King: wow, that sure sounds like an amazing story!Shaver: yesShaver: yes it is

Shaver: did you know that there’s a secret cabal of underground monsters who kidnap people for sexual torture and cannibalism?Koontz: gosh! That’s not real tho right?Koontz: it’s just a story right?King: yes dean it’s just a storyShaver: don’t tell him thatShaver: this is real

King: c'mon richard you're just having a laugh, it's all just a storyShaver: this is realShaver: there's a secret cabal of underground monsters who kidnap people for sexual torture and cannibalismShaver: and that's not allShaver: wait until you hear what they’re doing to the soil

Dan Simmons: a secret cabal of underground monsters who kidnap people for sexual torture and cannibalism?Shaver: that's rightSimmons: damn you could base a whole political worldview on that!Simmons: Simmons: are they in league with the queers and the muslims?Shaver: I don’t know what that is but probably Simmons: I knew it!

Simmons: these underground cannibals sound p legit to meKing: dan i don't think they're realSimmons: oh I see, so you think that when i say "underground cannibals" that's, like, code for greta thunberg and that when i say we must stop the underground cannibals that's a veiled threat calling for the murder of greta thunberg and the public desecration of her carcass as a warning to all blue haired millenial they/thems?King:King: well i do nowSimmons: wow steveSimmons: i think that says a lot more about you than me

Simmons: you know what these underground cannibals who prey on white women are like?Simmons: they're like "urban" "thugs" wearing "hoodies"Lovecraft: Simmons: and "baggy pants"Lovecraft: Simmons: if you know what i mean Lovecraft:

Simmons: i'm sorry, are these dog whistles too subtle?Simmons: i meanSimmons:Simmons: italiansLovecraft: [immediately starts sweating]

Simmons: so the underground cannibals are in league with george sorosSimmons: and that caravan of latin refugeesSimmons: that we were all so scared of about 3 years agoSimmons: and then just forgot about when it strangely failed to materializeSimmons: I can’t believe AM radio got that one wrong!