Midnight Pals: Harry Potter TV (Patreon)

JK Rowling: hello children Poe: oh joanne Poe: you're back Rowling: yesss i have a new harry potter TV sssseriesss that you are all obligated to watch by order of the king Poe: Lovecraft: King: Koontz: Barker: Barker: yeah how's that work? Poe: clive

Rowling: harry potter isss back! Rowling: he'sss the boy who lived! and he will NEVER die Rowling: thanksss to my wealth and influence, i can cram whimsssy down your throatsss forever!! Rowling: now take this online quiz to find out your hogwarts house!! Rowling: take it, i say!!

Rowling: as executive producer, i can finally tell the ssstory of harry potter how i imagined it!! Rowling: i know i've already told the ssstory through the booksss and the moviesss Rowling: but you know, third time is the charm

Rowling: ok sssso picture thisss Rowling: hogwartsss is taken over by transss deatheaterss King: by what? Rowling: oh yeah the deatheaterss are transs now Barker: hell yeah queer villainy Rowling: NO! It's BAD!

Rowling: they're forcing their woke agenda on Hogwartsss Rowling: instead of learning potionss, the sstudents are forced to learn pronounsss!! Rowling: insstead of defensse against the dark artsss, the sstudents are forced to learn Rowling: Rowling: uh Rowling: PRONOUNSS!!

Rowling: now hogwartss musst destroy the woke menace Poe: this sounds a lot more like american evangelical terfism than the genteel plausibly deniable british terfism we're used to from you Rowling: newssflassh, edgar! the ssingularity hass happened! itss all the ssame now!

Rowling: only the hero harry potter can ssave the day! Rowling: by doing the bravessst thing a boy wizard can do Rowling: he'ss going to deadname a murdered teenager

Rowling: harry potter isss back!! Harry potter is eternal!!! Barker: hey whatever happened to that whole cormorant shrike thing you had going Rowling: shut up Barker: aw what's the matter? didn't people like your farty detective? Rowling: SHUT UP

Rowling: the important thing isss Rowling: i'm sstill extremely rich Rowling: and therefore, by british law, correct