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Tortle Tank: Tortley Awesome! (w/ Robbie Daymond) (Patreon)

Published:
2025-01-17 23:48:19
Imported:
2026-06
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Welcome to Tortle Tank, the show where the world's richest reptiles review your D&D homebrew and decide whether or not to invest their hard-earned eggs. This week, shellebrity guest Robbie Daymond! joins the Torts as they hear pitches about equality in spell saves, goodberry preparation, and jars of bees.

Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor Lyon

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Comments

Thermovore

So ready for a dip in the tank

ForestFawnStudio

OMG Robbie!! I love him so much on CR, can’t wait to hear him on this podcast!! I get so happy anytime there is crossover between NADDPOD and CR :)

Nick francis

Where are merch this month ??

Eee.eeeeeeeeee

Super excited to hear that Robbie came by to take a dip in the tank!

thiswayjose

Robbie Daymond played a character in CR that had like a 4 charisma and it was the source of such beautiful comedy

Jack Campau

wow. I didn't know my headphones were at full blast when I started the episode and I thought I got shot with a shotgun when the wave .mp3 played

CommodoreBlue

At this point Caldwell HAS to draw everyone as turtle executives, based off of the descriptions they’ve given.

Xanian Jamfalcon

Robbie is 2/2 episodes mentioning his butthole. This guy can fit into any group.

Declan Konesky

OMG I love how fucking unhinged this episode is

Ben Beckwith

Dear tortles. I am British, born and bread. And I would like to say. Don't hate Jake's British accent. I mean it's bad. But it is at least original. And it is way closer to accents I recognise than the standard Dick van dyke faux Australian cockney that most Americans do. Well done Jake.

gung0ii

Petition for Jake to become the next James Bond for that accent alone

SPECTRESOUND

Caldwell casually dropping "Mercerful" at 4:28 killed me and was criminally underappreciated in the moment

Aaron Sterne

I zoned out for maybe two minutes and came back to ‘She’s a honeycomb that feeds bees corn?!’ 10/10 no notes

Michael Griffith

10 is actually objectively closer to a Nat1. And an 11 is closer to Nat20. The midpoint is 10.5, since it's from 1-20 not 0-20

Rover Bernhard

For people who aren’t aware, the log cabin Republicans are/were a branch of openly gay Republicans (dw Robbie I got your reference)

Declan Konesky
>>161652393

Just wanted to added mega-grats on all this voice acting work for Emily. So glad for all the opportunities she's being given and taking. Right on sister

Wulfgar Ramsey

I really wanna know the rest of the tarot card one

HolyFatFish

Leaning so hard into tortle behavior has made me actually enjoy tortle tank

Ollie

"Oops, not again, HAAH" abt accidentally fucking lettuce is sending me 😭😭

Driftwood747

madam, would you like your omelette lightly fucked or aggressively fucked? all on accident, of course.

FactChucker

The save point mechanic is similar to the "Time Warp" cards that B. Dave Walters gives out. Once per campaign rewind, then you have to hand the physical card over to the DM. I got one from him and got to use it (with my DM's consent) in a campaign. It actually made for a great moment.

dryptid

were there always this many splashes at the start gdvjvkgfn

Evil Grimace

I'm glad we got a sneak preview of Jake's NPC voice for the upcoming campaign.

Olivia Francis

Iconic guest tbh I’ve never heard of this dude and I’m a fan instantly

Horny advocate for Welly's carnal audiobook

As a British person, I DEMAND Jake do that voice for a whole season. I will have to listen to everything 5 times before I actually hear what he's saying, but that just means it'll be 5 times better than other episodes.

Lorelei and Kyra Newly Weds

Emily hear me out on my Fun to Play Low CON score character. I LOVE to play either a horribly old person with terrible con that's like 100 and on the verge of dying or a low con volorole sick goblin Wizard that likes explosive or aoe spells that will most likely die.

OnyxD

😂

Adam Kepper

That goodberry idea is essentially giving you 10 death wards, which is a 4th level spell for a 1st level spell. Just a fair bit overpowered.

Adam Kepper

I don't think anybody caught it. I definitely laughed out loud.

Zach Downing

Robbie fits in so well. Please do more with them. They're awesome!

Ben Delahay

The Caster…greedy. When you fail a save, you still take half damage unless they’re built around it or it is a spell balanced on being Save or Suck. If a Martial misses, they miss completely or now can deal very minor chip damage. Casters have the better end of jt

hey!

god i can just see the RealGrinch-like smile on Emily’s face as she added the 6th fuvking splash sound in this intro how have i never noticed that before did i unlock a new splash by joining a higher tier on the patreon

Julia A.

He’s been a special guest on Critical Role for much of their campaign 3 and also was in a Legend of Zelda one shot with Emily there too

Adam Miller

He's also the most recent English Dub voice actor for Tuxedo Mask

Austin Wiggin

I kinda fuggin love the save coin idea. Specifically, players get one and they spend it at interesting points. I as the dm keep track of those points, and when we have no shows for a session, prepare a one off at the split time with some cool prizes at the end

Chris J.

We just circled back to crit confirms

Sophie Buijsen

Thank you for covering my tarot pitch! Extra info: it is woven into the narrative so it does make more sense, there's a whole mysterious dimension that only our characters can access, and the effects of the cards are linked to that. As a ranged healing caster, it takes a while for melee characters to disengage and come and get you with potions, even with the best intent in the world. I didn't give representative examples I realised, almost all cards are some way of getting the downed player back into the fight with some added risk rather than affect the rest of the party. If anyone wants the list, let me know! A shame not to receive those wet wet eggs, but pleased to have triggered the introduction of 'i'm in therefore I'm out' to Robbie.

catchTwentythree

If I might offer a suggestion, these effects could be made more special if you used the entire tarot deck. There's a ~2/7 chance of a wild effect that way, while Swords and Wands could represent death save failures while Pentacles and Cups could represent death save successes.

catchTwentythree

Sure but I'm still trying to figure out what was going on with that one. Did that person not play D&D? Do they resolve stuff in roleplay by just going "well roll a die about it" and then arbitrarily decide how well it went based on the die's result? Do they not set DCs and use modifiers?

KingHalt

How many eggs would I have to give the tortles to buy Caldwell's head of lettuce?

Argonautica

I do understand the concept here. But I also think some people should maybe just give other games a try instead of trying to fix 5e.

Smiththebat

The jar of bees is some Enter the Gungeon shit!

Chris Swank

I love trying to introduce games with literally only page of rules to my 5e players and they groan “ughhhh 5e is just so much easier!”

RottingLizard

I absolutely love my charming sorcerer to only have a passive perception of 9 (in a horror campaign). It’s SO fun

CSN

Oh man, egg futures reminded me how nobody ever agrees to accept my resource futures as payment in Catan.

CSN

It's a delicacy?

Tom Graham

Are there always that many splashes at the beginning?

Sophie Buijsen

As the person who submitted it, I'd love to hear it!

Blue Bee

I love the person who thinks casters are underpowered because they don't get to make attack rolls when the martial/caster divide has been a problem in dnd since like. 3rd edition

Tonks

Can we get another Baggin it with Balnor ep with Balnor C1 interviewing the C3 and the young stag? Feels like the right time!

ThacoIsWacko

I've always understood DCs to be target numbers (meets it beats it), so ties really aren't even a thing. Even in an opposed roll, one player is just setting the DC.

dylndmg

Props to Jake for making a character with low con hilarious. Caldwell as well! Nyack having a weak stomach was an incredible way to make it work for roleplay. Then taking it a step further with the Jampion Ranger. So good.

KingHalt

Honestly, I love just having the option to fucking HYUCK a jar full of pissed off bees at a BEEG's cranium, then watch it horrifically backfire as the low HP tank that's been up in the mix since round one go down because he is deathly allergic😂

Nitzan Harel

CCL (tread soooooooo sooooo carefully)

Steppa

I would totally be interested in the list! This did sound like a really cool idea to me

An_Armed_Bear

Caldwell channeling his inner Horus this episode.

Emma

Losing it at Jake’s British voice omg 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Declan Konesky
>>161847916

I personally think the closest they have ever been was maybe early BX or or the full ODnD expression. Every hit point mattered and MUs were utility glass cannons like thieves. Martial could hit strong and survive plus got magic swords. Though I think thieves did too...

Melissa Shilale

I became a enamored with Robbie on breath of the wild one shot he and Emily were in! Thank you all for existing!

Evan

Hey Jake, for the next fighter you play, would you consider third party content, specifically laserllamas alternate fighter?

Summer, Autumn Eladrin

I have been promising to learn how to run Fate for my friends for like 5 years now and haven't gotten around to reading the rulebook

Zac Hoffman

The yelling "bad for audio" all over eachother is insane.

ADHDMoth

I am VERY interested in the list!

ADHDMoth

Omg...so unhinged!! Love it!!

Matt

Put the “save point” coin in a magic shop with a sign that says “Do Not Flip”. Your players will flip it, piss off the shop owner, and now there’s a hook with no stakes (in their mind) where they owe him something. When they return to the timeline the shopkeeper will have no idea they flipped it and think it’s been stolen.

Matt

Also. This item gives you the chance to fudge a devastating roll in the first playthrough and have your BBEG comment that “they feel cheated” and the party should be dead from that hit

HeyYou'reCute

I'm very late to the conversation but I just wanted to say that I have used a similar "save point" item in a homebrew before! I made a 1 shot based on Doki Doki Literature Club. Save files are a big part of the story telling in that game so I gave each player one save item that they could use before any big decision and the whole party could return to that point. I've run the adventure twice and no one has ever used the item but I still think it's a fun option to have if it works in the story.

BOB BOBERSON

I think the goodberry idea could be saved by instead of it giving you 1 hp when you go down instead it gives you one automatic death save success

Cooper Erikson

To add to the jar of bees idea you could work in the jar of nannerflies precedent. You get a jar with a few bees in it and every rest you can roll for bees and they can go up or die off. Then set a threshold (say 5) for every time the number of bees breaks the threshold that's another d6 of damage when you finally use it.

Casey Kerins

I’m late to this, but personally, I feel that (re the tarot deck death saves) I think that if you pull the death card, you should get more of a reincarnation thing. Because it’s not just about death!! The Death card is about endings AND rebirth.

tiger

honestly my low con squishmallow sorcerer is so fun to play. it helps that we have two tanks in the party tho. if my guy gets hit once he sulks for the rest of the session he is PUNY. he takes frequent elaborate baths also i love high stakes so im addicted to the rush of "if i get hit one more time i will DIE" i found out i need that to enjoy combat in dnd lol

J. Gro

I'm not sure, but I also noticed and felt it was a strangely long intro (for being just splash sounds)...

J. Gro

Caldwell at 44:52 - "Let's put a terra-PIN in that!" 😃

MoonshineMushroom

The British accent. 😂😂😂 Had me laughing out loud at the gym.

Austin Wiggin

What do they mean by time his eggs?

Em_Dragon

Yes I need this list absolutely! I'm starting a witch campaign very soon and I would love to implement this system. Is it posted anywhere?

Sophie Buijsen

Hey everyone, sorry it took this long! But here is the list. Please note the reason not all cards have an entry is because they haven't been pulled yet and they get revealed as we pull cards. Here it is: Card Effect 0 The Fool Back up with 1 health 1 The Magician (1 death save fail, no spell slot for revival) 2 The High Priestess One death save fail. The rest of the party know the next card. The player does not 3 The Empress 4 The Emperor 5 The Hierophant 6 The Lovers One fail. An active member of the battle is chosen at random and moved up to 30 ft closer to you 7 The Chariot You may continue to act though still draw cards at the beginning of each round. Any damage taken will add to failed death saves and you cannot heal yourself 8 Justice 9 The Hermit Roll a d8 + proficiency in this and subsequent rounds. This amount will need to be healed before the unconscious PC can be revived 10 Wheel of Fortune Draw twice more 11 Strength You continue to act though are feral and must use unarmed strikes on the nearest enemy. Gain +2 STR each round including the first. After 3 rounds, if the player remains attacking, they lose -1 STR permanently to their character. 12 The Hanged Man One fail. The party get advantage on their next saving throw 13 Death Permanent death 14 Temperance Averages out the whole party’s HP. (Add up all HP, divide by player number, all players now have that amount of HP, even if it is above max HP for any characters). 15 The Devil Contact with an extra-planar entity who offers you a deal… at a price, otherwise take one fail 16 The Tower Whilst PC is down, they are faced with their own battle(against a plot relevant personal enemy) as they defend the Tower. Succeed and they return to full health. Fail and die permanently 17 The Star 18 The Moon The body of the fallen PC takes on the appearance of a ghastly image. Any PC attempting to heal them must pass a fear check 19 The Sun For this and subsequent rounds, the PC’s CON is reduced by 1 until healed. This can be reversed by a long rest. 20 Judgment The other players at the table roll and an average is taken for their death save. 10 or under is a fail, 11 or over they stabilise. 21 The World

V Layne Berry

I’m so late to this but I have a revised goodberry pitch to balance it a bit: If a party member has the goodberry spell, they can cast it and distribute berries before combat, and anyone who gets one has the option of holding it in their lip/cheek while fighting. No concentration checks necessary, it’s just there. If you go down with a goodberry in your mouth, make a d20 luck check: - on a 10-20, the goodberry is swallowed and you pop back up w/ 1 HP (this consumes the goodberry, so you need to put another one in your mouth to use this again) - on a 5-9, the goodberry stays where it is in your mouth, and is not consumed (so you stay down but can use it again later in combat if you’re revived by other means and go down a second time) - on a 1-4, you choke on the goodberry and take one death save fail (the goodberry is consumed by this and cannot be used again)

Jo

What if, in a new character, you port over a few personality traits or attributes? You laugh the same or both like grape Kelly best, just little things like that

Alex

I feel like we as a community moved on from Jake’s British accent too quickly