Home
Creators
Search Recent Random
Posts
Search DMs Popular Hash Lookup Tags Random
Importer
Import FAQ
Register Favorites Keys Review DMs Logout
Community
Telegram ThePornDude
Home Creators Posts Import Register Favorites Logout

D&D Court Submissions! (Patreon)

Published:
2025-06-04 14:00:13
Imported:
2026-06
Tags:

Content

Greetings, table top denizens! The Supreme Crit is hungry, and we feed upon your drama & disputes!

Please submit a BRIEF description of the quarrel that shook the fabric of your TTRPG tablecloth, and we will provide our swiftest judgment! And slightly suspect sentences.

Romance gone wrong, spells denied, irritating homebrew, naughty rogues, power mad dm's, regrettable snacks, lurking cousins... nothing is off the table!

<3 to all your frustrated & foible-ridden parties,

Bailiff Emily

Comments

timweather

To the properly inflated judges and the woefully under-inflated bailiff, Emily. I present to you the case of the Reluctant Murderhobo. I played at a home game with a (too large) group of 9 PCs, many of whom were new to the game. It became clear early on that about half the table was afraid to make any decisions, and they began capturing the last survivor of any encounter and interrogating them for upwards of an hour before deciding to move on. I remained patient at first, but reading the body language of the other half of the group, I began using my Drow Rogue to speed things up, namely by slitting the throats of the captured enemies mid-interrogation, much to the horror of half the group, and the delight of the other half. Judges, I beseech you, was I wrong to put the enemies and, let’s be honest, half of the table, out of our collective misery? Or should I have allowed the new players to continue to take us all hostage? I await your wise and fair judgment.

Maddie

Dearly beloved justices, but even moreso beloved bailiff- two years ago, my friend and I joined a dnd game online. Fast forward to four months ago, the dm and I are now happily dating and very much in love! We assured the rest of the players that I would receive no favoritism or spotlight hogging, but that isn’t completely true. Since we started dating, my boyfriend has started telling me all the secrets of his campaign unprompted. This includes: what monsters we’ll be fighting each week, cool homebrew abilities he gave them, the loot they’ll drop, traps we’ll encounter, puzzles we’ll have to solve and their answers, bits and pieces of lore we have yet to uncover, and more. When I ask him why he’s telling me all this, he says “because I want to get your opinion, I want to make sure it’s balanced/fun/challenging”. Justices, how do I balance being supportive, while wanting to return to only having player knowledge about the campaign? He’s so excited about his game, and I do love hearing him talk about it, but at the same time it’s hard for me to separate my character’s knowledge with my own. I have to be silent during traps and puzzles because I already have the answers. I go into every fight knowing exactly how the enemy is going to destroy us. Should I continue to keep quiet or tell my boyfriend I don’t want to talk about his campaign out of session anymore?

Brock

To the Noble Clergy of Dice Christ! i come before yall not with a confession, but with a question because no matter what you decide im still gonna keep doing it. So i have a pretty common learning disability; dyscalculia which makes even the simplest of math problems embarrassingly difficult and uncomfortably long to figure out especially during something you wanna keep fast paced like combat. Unfortunately im also cursed with a pretty bad case of Murphism and can often go through whole 4 hour sessions without rolling above a 10. So to combat my awful math abilities i’ve started using Dnd Beyond to roll my dice which will automatically add up all my damage or proficiency bonuses. However i have also noticed now that im using an online roller im rolling astronomically better, and critting multiple times a session! So i ask the church, do i walk with the dice devil now that i have strayed away from physical dice and prevent the other players from hearing the click clack everyone keeps talking about? or am i just being blessed by dice christ through the power of the internet? or have i finally killed god with my machine? ps hate the show and ive never listened to it and if i did, it probably wouldn’t help me laugh when im at my lowest

MC

To the fair, resplendent justices and also J***, I present the case of the Husband Guy. A buddy and I have played in and DM’d various DND games together since high school, and last year he married an awesome guy and they’re very happy - his new husband even offered to run a full campaign for us and another friend, and we were pumped! We’re all having fun and get along well together, but the problem is that my buddy’s husband has started way overpowering my buddy’s character, a Paladin. He has already found ways to give him; adamantine armor, the boots of speed, and a +3 sword of sharpness. We are level 2. He also has only had one of his monsters attack my buddy’s character in the last ten sessions, while my Bard gets his ass kicked regularly. I don’t even think my buddy knows he’s getting preferential treatment! Fair justices, I love my buddy and his husband and their marriage - but it’s starting to get demoralizing playing at the table, and the other PC wants me to say something, but we don’t know if we should or not, and will defer to your opinion!

Ally

Oh honoured justices, head bailiff, and the other one. I bring the case of the Vending Machine DM. I've been running a campaign now for a year and most of which has been silly and goofy collaborative storytelling but in the last few months I've felt like my players have been treating me like a vending machine, they have incredibly specific requests of what should happen at what points in the campaign and how certain NPCs should respond to them. Most recently these requests feel like they have become demands as one player sent me a 7 paragraph text with what they exactly want to happen stating she'd spoken with the other players about it. Not only do I find these strange to receive but I don't know how it could even be achieved in D&D without me fudging roles to be the outcome they want for their story. My question is am I right to feel that these are maybe not the right expectations for my players to bring to the game or should I accept their demands and vomit up the story they want?

Ally

To the noble justices and the once again improved bailiff. I bring an update on the case of the broken home. We did move the campaign to my flat which helped reduce the tension. However the court was 100% correct that the watching roommate wanted to play. A situation occured where half the players were not able to make our next session so I proposed a one-shot connected to our campaign. Word of this reached the voyeur player who asked to play, like a fool I agreed. He made a character with no desire to accept the call to adventure, only going along when another party member asked him to. Even then only agreeing after insisting the PC roll persuasion on his character. His bard barely spoke, instead he spent most the session reading his spells quietly and jumping at any opportunity for combat. The experience made me beyond grateful that I took the court's advice to move the campaign to mine before this quiet bard could infiltrate a three year long campaign I poured my heart and soul into.

Rho

To the High Priests of the Crit, I seek solace for I believe I am cursed. I am an incredibly bad roller. However in the last 6 months the curse has spread to coins. My DM has recently been using a coin for chance checks and asking us to call if it would affect our character. We have sessions once a week and there is normally about two coin flips a session, one for each player. High priests I have yet to call a single one correctly. I have tried going with my gut and as well as second guessing myself. No matter what I call the coin gives the opposite. I wish to be ridden of this coin curse as last session I was called a statistical anomaly. Any retribution I must receive for this curse to be removed or even lessened will be taken wholeheartedly.

CommonCatepillat

To the Golden Gods of the highest council, thy kingdom come, thy crits be done, and (50/50 chance here so I'll say) Amir. I come to you with a cold case from my youth. THE CASE OF THE PRIMATE V SPIDER At age 13, I asked to be in my brother in law's tabletop game with two other (adult) players. It was a magitech setting where our characters were recruited to be apart of a magical syndacit of people who stop evil. My character, Snap Clackers, was a Nature powered monkey who gained his abilities and sentience after being captured and experimented on. Me and the other players got along and played well off of each other and it was shaping up to be a fun campaign. At the end of one of our sessions, the DM (Brother in law) announced excitedly that there would be a guest who would play a villain next session which excited the rest of the table as well. However, me being 13 and getting shit grades on my report card, I was grounded that week and couldn't go to the session. The next session I was filled in by the DM what happened. Apparently, the guest played an evil spider queen who womped the party and demanded they bring her 100 slaves for her to do with as she pleased and they agreed. My character, who was present while I the player was not, was made to agree with them. You can see how this would be of big conflict to who my character was and, being new to roleplay, I simply played him dispondant and angry for the rest of the session, going against what the party was trying to do that session. The campaign shortly fizzled out due to other factors outside of anyone's control. Judges, should I have been more malleable with my marcupuals morals or was I right to lash out at my party for their decision? (PS. The spider queen session was the 4th session) (PPS. The guest who played the spider queen was my 23 year old sibling. The one who was married to my brother in-law)

Austin

To the splendiferous Judges and Baliff Wife Worm! I present the case of the uncontestable check. Playing a game with a couple friends and a DM we had found online that we didn't know. Our party took a job from a shady fellow to get a valuable item from the back room of a casino. My plasmoid, circle of stars druid eventually got to the back rooms alone and found the item we needed. But I was attacked by the same shady fellow we had taken the job from. I got hit with a bunch of damage from a throwing knife so I retreated with the item and Misty stepped under the door back to my friends. As the DM allowed me to do this he rolled a Sleight of Hand check at the same time and got a Nat 20, he exclaimed that I Misty Step and appear by my friends but the item I had was gone. I didn't know how he was able to take it in the first place being at a distance when he attacked, but I said since I had it directly in my hands that it should have been a contested roll. I would also have to roll a Nat 20 but the DM didn't let me try. Later on in the session, (because we roll digital dice on Roll20) I could see the Sleight of Hand modifier for the shady fellow was a +20. I was a level 6 character so I had no chance of beating it regardless. Was I roped into an unwinnable situation facing a +20 Sleight of Hand or was Dice Christ against me by giving the DM a Nat 20 anyways?

hobblelobble

Good tidings to the Supreme Crit. If it should please the Justices Murwitz, Tanner, and uh Hurphy I think(?), but ESPECIALLY if it should please the stunning Bailiff Axford (call me ;) ) I would like to present the case of the removed training wheels. DM here! Most of my players have little to no experience with TTRPGs but are enthusiastic to learn. I told them there would be a lot of hand-holding and we would get through it together. I have tried my best to support them, even offering an optional one shot to practice playing outside of the campaign. Four of my five players are doing swimmingly! Yay players! Player 5…. Player 5 leaves some to be desired… When she rolls, we wait awkwardly over discord while her character sheet loads, then she asks me to repeat what she’s rolling and where to find her modifier. She also refuses to take notes, and the party lost critical info because she couldn’t remember anything her character overheard alone. The rest of the party managed to get the info later, but players have come to me privately to say her lack of effort is making gameplay difficult and that I as the DM should intervene… I tried to put some heat on Player 5 to shape up, telling the party I would be taking off the training wheels. I implemented some new rules: 1) If you don’t know if an attack hits your AC, then it hits. 2) If you don’t know what your modifier is, then you no longer get one for that roll. 3) Players are responsible for recaps together, I will make clarifications but will not fill in gaps. Honorable Justices and Bombshell Bailiff, please- I am at a loss. The removed training wheels didn’t bother Player 5 at all, she just forewent her modifiers or gave a help action in lieu of rolling. I have tried chatting with her, and she insists she wants to play. Am I enabling weaponized incompetence?? I have dozens of documents on lore and world building and if this campaign fizzles before my players even reach level 3, then I shall never recover. Justices, I eagerly await your judgement.

Alex W

To the Highest Supreme Crit and the Worm Wife Bailiff: can I kill one of my pcs because he keeps beating my partner in poker? I dm a game with my partner and two other players. One of the people plays poker with my partner most weekends. My partner is by no means bad at poker, but he is unlucky in both d20 rolls and poker. The friend keeps taking my partner’s entire buy in on absurdly lucky hands, most notably beating my partner with aces full of twos vs tens full of twos on a full house last night. Is it my duty as a partner to kill the friend’s wild magic sorcerer?

el_mathemagician

To the benevolent Justices and that guy who lives in the trash can, I think his name is Joscar, I present to you the case of the sleeping dwarf. I was in my very first campaign playing as a dwarven paladin. In one of our sessions, we were in a dungeon crawl and the warlock in our party had found a potion. She drank some and it had healed her. Our DM had told us there was enough for someone else to drink as well and since I needed some health, I took a drink. However, when I drank it, I ended up falling unconscious. My party tried to wake my character up using several checks, spells and potions but my DM said there was no way. The session ended with me being unconscious. At our next session, I was still out as my party continued to fight monsters, find treasure, and trek through the dungeon. I thought I might get a dream sequence or some sort of vision for the session, but no, I literally did not get to do a single thing the entire session! Not only that, this entire dungeon lasted another 2 sessions, which meant that I had 3 sessions where I did not get to do a single thing the entire time. I would argue with my DM that this mechanic doesn’t make sense and I would try and ask if there was anything I could do to come out of consciousness, but he always just said that was his ruling. I almost pulled a Murph and thought about just quitting and getting a new group, but my character was finally awake after we escaped the dungeon. Justices, was my DM wrong for putting my character to sleep for 3 sessions with nothing to do, or am I overreacting. I humbly await your judgment. PS: My DM is a good friend of mine and this seemed like an isolated incident as the rest of the campaign was really fun.

Jack M

Hello Smurfy Justices and the most Gargamel Bailiff their ever could be, I have a simple question: When a fellow PC dies, what is reasonable to loot? Can I take their gold? Their magic weapons? Potions? What if I really liked their hat? What goes too far? I await your ruling.

Ana

To the high priests of Dice Christ, including the deacon Jake, who is secretly my favorite. I am the DM whom you ruled a Mastermind and Artist here to submit a confession. I violated the prime directive of DND and stole someone’s girlfriend. 
 My initial intention was not girlfriend theft; we were friends first. I invited her boyfriend to play, and he refused, saying it was cringe (his first mistake). The table got really close; we were rushing to finish before we graduated college and were playing twice a week for six months. To be honest, I thought she was really cute, but I didn’t want to start any drama. But her boyfriend’s jealousy grew (his second mistake). He started resenting every member of the party, me especially, and even one of the other party members, who was their roommate. I contend that it’s not my fault that my campaign (masterful and artistic) was better than anything that he had to offer. Her PC also fell in love with a very compelling and devious antagonist. I had only a little bit of nefarious intent, I gave most of the party love interests as well. The player and her boyfriend broke up, we have now been dating for months, the party is very happy, and we all met up recently for a reunion. I am not sorry because I got everything I wanted, including an apology and two stuffed turtles as per your previous ruling. I submit to your commentary but not your judgement.

h moon

Honorable justices and Bailiff Jork I bring to you the case of…messy friendship break ups. Two people in my D&D campaigns (Luna and Solar) are spiraling towards a friendship break up that is more consequences of shit that happened a while ago than anything recent. I DM one campaign and Solar DMs the other. My issue is that Luna is not a constant in my game. She shows up as side characters when she’s available/sometimes moonlights as an antagonist. I don’t really want to stop inviting her for these guest spots, but also is it rude to say like. No she’s still going to pop in. Please help!

Spencer Clark

Dear pristine Judges (for whom the very sun shines) and some disheveled bailiff (tepid and wet), I present to you the Case of Moving Too Fast.  Precampaign, my DM always asks if we want to have any surprises for our characters, like a backstory secret other players don’t know about that we can work on including.   This campaign, I told him I just wanted a cursed item.  Fast forward to our last session.  We were trying to gain entrance to a bandit hideout and pretended to be lost hunters.  One of the bandits, named Tricks Hot, befriended us and let us inside for a meal.  She mentioned, among other things, that they didn't get much company this far out and she was very happy to see new faces.  We exchanged friendly banter and I made light flirtations, before suggesting we have an archery contest.  As prize, I produced my ring of water-walking and held it aloft.  The DM asked me for a charisma check and I rolled very high.  He made a secret roll and relayed Tricks Hot was eager for the contest.  We set up targets at three distances and I prepped for what should have been an easy win since I roll +11.  Judges, I lost.  To my surprise, the DM described how Tricks Hot gleefully grabbed the ring, put it on, and exclaimed how excited she was to be engaged.  He then shared that secret roll was her insight check, and she rolled low, misinterpreting my pulling out a ring.  So when she (a single person in their 20s who lived in a remote area and was consigned to being single forever) met a charming stranger with similar passions (archery and hunting) who expressed interest in her, she jumped at the chance for a storybook romance.  Your honors, Tricks Hot is already planning our wedding and wants to adventure with us moving forward to "keep the family together."  Judges, I ask you: was I wrongly betrothed or was my DM right to answer my request for cursed items with a stage five clinger?  I patiently await your verdict.

Dave M

Honored Judges and Bailiff Axford, whose tie is looking perfectly knotted today I am a warlock in a Descent into Avernus campaign. Early on in the campaign our party had to figure out a way to descend from a city floating several hundred feet in the sky, down to the floor of Hell. I said I could cast Gaseous Form on members of the party and send two of us down at a time before taking a short rest to recover my spell slots and sending the next two (six of us in total). This idea was immediately clowned upon, with my party members saying I wanted to “turn all of us into fart clouds”. We eventually found another way down, but it became a constant running joke that persists to this day, over a year later. However, now that I’m higher level and have better spells like Fly, we keep getting into situations where some members of the party suggest that I could cast fly on folks, to which I usually remind them of how they scoffed at my earlier idea. While they have never been too insistent, I ask you this. Am I right to reject my party’s requests for my hard-earned spell slots? If they couldn’t handle me at my Gaseous Form, do they deserve me at my Fly and Dimension Door? Or am I flying too close to the sun?

annika newsham

To the mighty, loquacious and gregarious judges and the indescribable Bailiff Emily I bring the case of the Unanswered Door. Recently, someone I knew back from my youth group days reached out and offered a spot in a very detailed homebrew pathfinder campaign, and I was very excited to join. There was a very involved character creation process, which I enjoyed, and we had our first session hosted by the DM (my old friend) which I thought was a huge success! Following this, there are about 5 weeks of no play, where I check in every week to see if we are going to play, including a week where I was the only player to show up, while the other players either were at work, or chose to go watch a soccer game. One player left because of work, another moved out of the province, but still wanted to play. Cut to last week, 3 weeks after the only me night, when I check in, they say no not this week, but we'll be good for next week. So I show up the following week, not checking in the day of. Only for no one to answer the door! I waited a couple minutes and messaged in the chat, to no response, only their dog scratching at the door. I received no reply until the next day, when a player gave 👀 on my message. The DM messaged the following day, not acknowledging the missed session, giving options for how to restructure the campaign going forward given the loss of players. The question I bring to you, judges, is this: is this an unfortunate consequence of DND scheduling conflicts and I should have checked in, or is this a breach of conduct so egregious that I should "find new friends"? PS there is as of submission no resolution to the situation, and I am waiting silently for them to decide what they want

Courtney F.

Honorable justices, There is a weird lady in the corner. She keeps saying her name is Emily Axford but we all know the real Emily is Murph Emily Axford so.. Idk. Anyway, I bring to you, the case of the clerics. I am a forever healer and as a 5e life cleric, I have an ability to heal several members of my party for a total equal to my level times 5. BUT I can't heal them with this ability to a point that would bring them to more than half of their hp. I am apart of an online group (red flag) with strangers (redder flag) and called for hp max and current hp of my party when my DM stopped me. "you don't know that" the DM said. I mean... I kinda see their point but also, I don't want to waste any of that hp pool. Do I need to metagame and keep track of their hp so I don't waste healing, do I just wing it, or should the DM lighten up a little bit? I look forward to your ruling and please, look into that lady in the corner..

Amarpal

To the tactile supreme crit justices and (I don’t know who the bailiff if today) so we’re going to go with creepy bailiff Carl. I bring you the case of the little guy goblin and the firery sorceress. Our party has been playing for 2 years and in our second session they were attacked by goblins, took one hostage and now he’s there little guy. All the party members hate this goblin except for our sorceress who keeps him around like a wounded little step brother. Recently however the sorceress has questioned the goblin about his past and he has taken umbridge leading to large arguments at the table. As the DM I ask you, is the goblin allowed to me annoyed that people are delving into his past or should the sorceress just leave the little guy alone. I hungrily wait for your verdict and cake.

Sephiroth Did Nothing Wrong

Wonderful Emily, those other guys, I write to you about the case of the Stolen Final Breath. A couple weeks ago, the party I DM for was stuck in a ravine with an Earth Cult at their heels. The party's fighter, Bonk, put himself in front and went down within a round. Bonk's player had been toying with a new character, so we talked after session and he decided to give Bonk his Swan Song. My Swan Song mechanic gives the character an immediate turn when they would die, all attacks at advantage, auto-crit if you hit, with guaranteed death at the end of the turn. He dealt massive damage, tipped the combat in the party's favor, and gave his last speech and final breath. Just as he finished, the Blood Hunter piped up, asking if he could use his Blood Curse of the Fallen Puppet to make Bonk do an extra attack. I allowed it, but we teased the Blood Hunter for it. Jake, should I have allowed that? Bonk had already given his heartfelt speech and acted out his final breath, but the damage was needed to save the whole party. I carnally await your ruling. The other Justices can chime in if they want. 🤷

Annika

To the lavender-scented judges and the pea-scented bailiff Emily. I bring forth the case of the illiterate dragon: My boyfriend DMs a campaign with me and my sisters. My pact of the chain warlock was in a trial that involved stealing an egg guarded by a dragon and her magical wards. For my turn, I had my lovely pseudodragon familiar (who can understand common and draconic) fly to the egg and read the draconic glyphs guarding it, then translate the details to me via our telepathic bond. My dm ruled that my familiar can’t read because “although it understands draconic, it cannot speak”. I lost the argument but have since stayed salty. Judges, am I wrong to be offended on behalf of my son who is a very smart and special boy?! I prostrate myself before your 80 foot tall bench.

sam s.

noooo!!!! dnd is not about stealing girlfriends!!!!!!!

The Wizard Syndicate

To the judges in their infinite glory and the bailiff in his limited capacity I ask for judgement on the case of “Reasonable Requests” I DM for my 3 friends and when this case came about we had been playing for some 2 years. We played mostly online after work, roughly every other week. The party had been split in a new city because the Rogue wanted to go meet up with his thief friends while the Wizard and the freshly rolled Bard went to a church to do some recon on some holy items they would need to fight a devil that was chasing them, and had recently kidnapped a beloved NPC. Since this was the Bards first time playing a magic user (the player had just sacrificed his first character in an epic last stand to save all his friends and raise an undead army to help in the finale) and we’d just come off of a huge fight last session, I didn’t want to do any combat during the session if possible. So when the wizard and bard went into the church they listened to a sermon about the majesty of these 3 magic items wielded by grand heroes, and how they were laid to rest here at the church as holy relics. They went to talk to the cleric running the sermon after and she showed them the cases holding the items. The wizard then cast mass suggestion and said “give me those”. Above the table I told him that the wording of the spell says you specifically have to make it a reasonable request so what exactly do you want to say? He responded “I tell her ‘give me those’”. I told him that “give me those” was a strange request for 2 complete strangers to ask of this holy woman, so she wouldn’t immediately just hand them over but instead the spell would make her more willing to help and she gave them her signature on a paper and told them that if they showed that to the king he could give them an audience and could be persuaded to help allow them to take the holy relics. (This was a way to allow the players to regroup and would let them meet the kings court which had some people who were important to the wizards backstory although he didn’t know that yet.) The wizard argued this was his first 6th level spell and since the spell worked on 12 people it should be 12 times as effective on 1 person which I disagreed with and said if he wanted to cast regular suggestion that could work but short of dominate person you weren’t going to make someone give you holy relics. The Bard then said that I was taking the fun out of it, and the wizard said he cast cone of cold on the cleric. I stopped everything there and we talked about everything and continued on later, but I’m curious. Judges was I taking the fun out of the wizards spells? Or did my players overreact to my table rulings? We still play to this day and we completed that campaign nearly 3 years ago now, but it still bothers me sometimes.

Connor Pryor

May it please the court, dice Christ themself, and our exquisite bailiff Emily. I present the case of the knowingly false Nat 20. I am a high school teacher running a campaign for 5 freshmen boys. During a fight against their first BBEG, one of my players went down and had one death save fail. The situation was incredibly dire for the BBEG. He was desperate and was holding the unconscious body of my player hostage. It was my players turn with the BBEG ready to kill the player on the next turn, however my player is pledged to the time god. I let my player roll a religion check to pray to the time god to deceive the BBEG into thinking he was already dead, so the BBEG would drop him. I watched my player roll a 2, but he immediately jumped up and screamed that he got a natural 20. Since everyone got so hyped, I decided to let it slide and everyone was able to defeat the BBEG and come out alive. Was it wrong for me to let that slide? Or will dice Christ punish my player for lying, or me for allowing the lie? I await yours and dice Christ’s judgement and I am at the mercy of the court.

Primalkrisis

Hello supreme crit justices and that one guy who dm’s Bahamia or something like that A long while ago in a campaign with a dm I no longer talk to, we were coming to the end of an arc where we were harvesting tarrasque leather for a sword, when discussing where to go next after the arc, I was trying to get the party to go to another teammates hometown because they were excited to do that, minutes after suggesting it and everyone agreeing, the dm had an npc kill my caracter instantly I was a little peeved, so after the session I asked him why and he said "I didn't have that town written yet, instead they can stay here and find a way to bring you back" Justices, is it okay to kill a pc because they suggested to go to a place you didn't write out yet or does this dirty dm deserve to have his fingernails removed?

Ellie

most honorable supreme crit judges et al., I would like to bring not a case but a legal consultancy. I have recently joined a dating app and have sort of unconsciously been matching with a lot of other dnd players. Some of them had it on their profile, some of them revealed it later - I think I have a sixth sense for this. I have come to beg the question. Would it be against the DnD law to try and organise a session with my Hinge matches? Just for drama. I haven’t played in a while and I’m looking for chaos although I’m secretly hoping we’ll all enjoy it so much it becomes a campaign. And what are the ethics on asking one of them to DM because I prefer to play?

Kris Warrington

Hello bountiful bailiff. I have a group of "people I know" that I use to work with. They all play DnD. I really want to play DnD. The problem is this... they are NOT good people. Chaotic Neutral on their best days. Lawful Evil is their usual M.O in life. In 30 years on this pale blue bubble they are the ONLY people I've ever met that play DnD IRL. Is it worth subjecting myself to their cruelty every other week to play DnD? Or do I go on looking for people who I could actually be friends with for another 30 years? For additional information, I do know really have the tech,the time, or the money needed to play DnD online with randos I've never met who charge $25 per session.

christopher belisle

To the venerable DM's of the court and weird little thing in the corner, I bring you the case of the wrongfully poisoned potion. May it please the court, during the course of my parties adventure through a tower that led to the BBEG, we found a vending machine that had potions that did various homebrew effects. Examples being a potion that granted a +2 bonus to AC against plants, a potion that cleared you of all current effects on you, and an improved health potion, 6d6+6, that had a 5% chance to poison you, specifically rolling a nat 1. During our final battle with said BBEG, I was at low health and need to take a potion to not die. While I was rolling out my hit die, our halfling fighter brought up that since he was lucky, should he be able to reroll the nat 1 on the poisoned health potions since he was lucky? The DM said that that was a little too broken because he would probably never be poisoned so he decided to change the ruling so that you got poisoned on a 2 instead of a 1 as I was rolling the dice to see if i would be poisoned or not. Justices, I could not believe the number that had showed up on that dice. For it was in fact, a shout out to the 2 crew. The DM ruled that I was still indeed poisoned despite having just arbitrarily changed the number so that our halfling could be poisoned. So I ask you, do I have a right to be a little peeved at this ruling? P.S. We continued this campaign after the final fight and never encountered a plant monster after getting those potions so the +2 to AC was never helpful, in case you were wondering

Peter Reitz

To our esteemed judges and their ignoble bailiff, The high school I teach at holds a seminar period twice a week for teachers to share their hobbies and interests with students in a non-academic setting. I decided to use the time to introduce them to D&D! All of the players who signed up were completely new to the game. I spent August through May running a group of ten rowdy teens through the first act of Curse of Strahd, at their request. As the school year ended, we knew we wouldn't get to finish the whole campaign, so I'd suggested we try to wrap up their current quest and then allow these characters to live on in our memories; however, they insisted they wanted to fight Strahd. They were level four. They felt convinced that if the campaign is designed for a team of five adventurers to fight him at level ten, that their party of ten level four characters stood a chance. I tried to explain that's not how the math of the game works and that they were also missing key artifacts necessary for the fight. For two weeks, they kept asking to fight Strahd. I finally relented. It was a bloodbath--between spell slots and legendary actions, Strahd butchered them all in about five turns. The teens were incredulous about the experience, claiming I should have let them win as an end-of-the-school-year treat. My question is this: Was I wrong to honor the fiction of this horror campaign and hold the players accountable for their decision to challenge the BBEG while under-leveled? Or are my students right that I should have nerfed an ancient force of evil to save their characters from becoming a pitiful warning to future adventurers? I humbly await your judgment, Peter

Tabaxi Druid Sarah

The Gelatinous Casting Conundrum To the Most Excellent Supreme Crit Justices, the Effervescent Bailiff Emily, and Future 8 Bit Book Club Guest Jake, Murph talking about gelatinous cubes on a recent short rest reminded me of this: I was playing with some friends and we encountered a gelatinous cube. My un-dexterous cleric got engulfed by it and I asked if I could cast misty step to get out. However, misty step has a verbal component, so the debate began - can you cast it inside the cube? Point for: - it's gelatinous, not liquid, so it wouldn't immediately rush into my mouth and since I would have taken a deep breath before engulfment, I should have enough air for one spell Point against: - you can't talk without air, so you can't cast the spell After some debate, the DM ruled a compromise: if I passed a DC 15 CON check, I could cast it. Naturally, I got a 10 and with my -1 strength, I couldn't get out. I then continued to comedically fail every subsequent save until the cube died. This was all friendly because we're adults who like each other, but I'm writing because we tried googling to see if there was anything online clarifying the rules of this and there wasn't. Thus, as the supreme arbiter of D&D rules, I'm writing to the court to request that you consider setting the Gelatinous Cube Casting Precedent. Many thanks. Sarah aka Tabaxi Druid P.S. My cats Trixie Meowtel and Jake Purralta asked me to say hi to all the 2 Crew Critters

JesterTheCleric

To the Deacons of Dice Christ I come before you with a humble confession of the first and only time I have lied about a roll as a player. I was in my second game as a player (I had DMed for a couple years before). I was playing a human gunslinger sharpshooter named Matthew Beren. He went on a few adventures and during one, we fought a gang of were-creatures, one of whom was a werebear. The werebear bit Matt, and I had to roll to avoid contracting lycanthropy. Deacons, I desperately wanted to be a bear with a gun. I rolled high, over a 17, but I lied and said I rolled low, like a 3 or a 4, just low enough to still fail the save with my high constitution. Matt became a werebear (modified slightly to not give me so many resistances in bear form which were over powered), and had the campaign continued, would have needed to do a whole character arc to learn to control my werebear form. Alas, that did not happen, as the campaign fizzled due to scheduling conflicts. I loved playing my bear with a gun, but I know it was undeserved. I present myself to you, Deacons of Dice Christ, to purge me of my sin.

Gabagooblin

Forgive me, your honors, for I have sinned. I play a support class in a monthly Curse of Strahd game with basically all new players. Ive run the campaign before so have enjoyed sitting back and just helping the group explore the game and occasionally explaining things on the side while the DM does their thing. In our last session, we all rolled like 100% Grade A Certified Dog Shit against a group of vampire spawn. I was struggling to keep people from going down, and we were all banking on our assassin rogue and his sneak attack damage. However, I realized about halfway through the combat that he had misread his assassin feature and thought it gave him advantage and auto-crits against anyone who hadn't taken a turn yet *each round*- basically, anyone who went after him in initiative. I knew it was wrong, but even rolling four times per turn he was barely hitting and so, in the interest of party morale, I said nothing. In the end we defeated the vampires and the rogue got in a cool finishing blow, but as my CCD teacher loved to remind us, a lie by omission is still a lie. Therefore I kneel before Dice Christ and his holy justiciers and beg for forgiveness.

AnthoniMM

Glory to the exuberant judges and the above average bailiff. I bring to you a case of the distracted party. I currently dm for 5 groups on various different schedules. One group has 5 players, however most of them do not pay attention. One session we were in a discord call playing our session. However, during the game 3 of my players were playing overwatch. Not only were they not paying attention, they were actively yelling and complaining about overwatch. I asked them to pick between d&dragons and their game and they said "No, I can multitask." This same player also didn't level up his character sheet in time for a major bbeg, despite leveling up twice before hand. Oh great and honorable justices, I come here asking "Am I the bad guy?"

Grynk Grynkleton

Greetings High Crit Justices and the wonderful bashful bailiff Amelia. I come to you with a case of an encounter cooked too long. In the current campaign there was a big lead up to an npc dragon fight. The dragon was the parties friend and was possessed by an old god and turned into a monster. The scene is set thunderstorm, giant black metal great sword in hand the dragon begins the fight. Queue the next 3 sessions being high jacked by this fight. I planned contingencies upon contingencies, but all were dependent on the party asking questions. For the 3 sessions not a single question was asked about what they should be doing, they just layed into the monster that had 600 health and 3 phase changes. A minor argument ensues after I railroad them into the question to ask, mind you they have asked to speak with their patron almost every fight but decided not to this time. Checks were made and a giant hole was blasted into the monster killing it. I ask did I cook to much or is my party razzing me? Ps we are fine now and I have to perform npc stand up as a previous promise to reconcile this.

Jay S

Humble Justices and the Baliff Emily who honestly just isn't as fun to insult, I bring to you the case of the Forced Character Change. I'm running my first ever campaign and put a good amount of time into building a world where magic is relatively new and the population is recovering from a cataclysm. One of my players is my DM in a post world war 1 campaign. I bring this up because his character for my campaign was an artificer. I did my best to discuss with him flavoring the mechanics of artificer to be more magic focused than mechanical, but he would often bring a bit of a steampunk flair to things. It was never enough of a thing for me to bring up, but it make me feel a bit like he wasn't bought into my world due to his flavoring of artificer fuckery. Fast forward a few months and we switched the campaign over from 5e to pathfinder. With this switch and seeing how things were already at small conflicts here and there, my player told me he wanted to replace his artificer with a new sorcerer character, citing that while there was nothing egregious on either end, he did feel a bit of tension between us when I tried to make his class and vibe work with my world. (I was always supportive of any flavoring, I just wanted to stay within the theme I developed for my little nerdy imaginary setting that doesn't actually matter.) He assured me he didn't feel slighted by me, and was happy to roll up a new character that we would both be excited about. Humble Judges (Jake is on thin ice as I don't respect him, but I did see him take the oath at your live show in DC last January), should I have brought up the potential conflict of theming sooner? I wanted to make his artificer work as I was nervous to suggest a new character for my first campaign, and was just happy he was excited about a character. Should I have just allowed his mechanized fuckery and made my world a bit more modern? Or is it fine with how things worked out in the end? I leave myself at the mercy of the crit.

Rebecca

To the bone dry justices and the slightly soggy bailiff, I bring to you the case of the OP spider. I’ll cut straight to the point. It was our final session. I was playing an Elven Warlock named Alanis, as it is a dope ass name and whoever came up with it is quite cool. We were trying to finish up the quest we were given and had ended up in a field equidistant from a wizard tower (our end goal) and a random city. So we determine to go to the tower. This was apparently contrary to what the dm had planed. The DM moaned a bit about us not going to his cool city, then got a funny look in his eye and narrated my character’s shoe getting stuck in the mud. So I narrate taking my foot out, pulling out the shoe, and then putting my foot back in. SURPRISE! Instant spider that then bit me and poisoned me without a save. That poison PARALYZED ME INSTANTLY and the DM was adamant that I would be unable to move for the next three days. And that’s how the campaign ended. A full year of play finished with my character paralyzed in the mud with no story arcs completed. So I ask you this, was the DM right to “railroad” us in such a way? All in all it doesn’t really matter, this is just a thing that will come to mind every once in a while and I’ll get pissed off all over again. I await your response. PS: I have many examples of this dm being……interesting in his rulings but that is a case for another day

Jay S

I have a feeling this was not brief in hindsight but oh well.

thatedgydrowwarlock

Oh Dutifully Divine Deacons of Dice Christ (and jake) forgive me for I have SINNED against our Lord & Savior, Almighty Dice Christ. Our party was in the midst of a skill challenge to help save the soul of our sorceress. Anyone involved was making a death saving throw on their turn, and 10 successes meant we would save her, but 7 failures meant she would perish and the old goddess of dark magic incubating inside her would be reborn (Murph-canics inspired!) None of the other players involved seemed to roll below a 15 on the die for any check, and here is where my cardinal sin takes place: wanting to make things more interesting, I fudged my own natural 17 to a natural 1, immediately losing two death saves. However in the following round, when it came to my turn, I rolled an ACTUAL natural 1, and my half kobold/gnome wizard died IMMEDIATELY. Everyone else succeeded their checks, no other failures whatsoever, and my wizard was revivified afterward. I prostrate myself before thee and beg thine forgiveness for my sins oh merciful hands of Dice Christ, specifically that of High Priestess Axford.

Ricky the Moist

I prostrate myself at the feet of Dice Christ seeking affirmation and comfort. I will be running a one shot for a table of all new players. The focus of the one shot is to escape a dark carnival where each player will be playing a dragon wyrmling of any color(their choice) that is being kept in rather heavy handed captivity bordering on one of them sad elephant movies. This is where I seek the comfort and warmth of the almighty Dice Christ. I named the ring leader of this horrible circus Salanvar Tizzbo. Was not inspired by anything in particular just sorta threw some syllables together and ran with it. I told my gf(one of the players) about the name and she hasn’t stopped referring to him as Salad Bar. Did I make a stupid name or is my gf a bully? I await your wisdom and will lord this over the table. Sincerely, Ricky The Moist

Jor Elare

May dice christ have mercy on my soul, I prostrate myself at the feet of this oddly political body to confess: Maybe the best encounter I ever ran for our table was a complete fabrication. My players made some decisions that skipped past what I had planned for the episode and by the flow of the story forced them into combat with a significant enemy. The problem? I had no stats for this enemy and ended up on the fly homebrewing his abilities and stats to fit his vibe, DURING combat. It ended in a super close fight that everyone enjoyed greatly but I have carried the guilt ever since. Justices, did I sin by cheapening the encounter by building my villain out to fit the fight as it happened?

James Bowers

To the inscruitable mortal vessels of Dice Christ's will and her Invincible Grace Pope Emily, I kneel at the twenty sided altar seeking absolution, not for myself, but for my dungeon master and a fellow player in our campaign. Currently, they are both serving a sentence of 10 years in Bear Hell, as appointed by you fair and honorable justices as tried in the case of the Premeditated Brother Murder. As a quick synopsis, at the start of a sequel campaign one player said they wanted to play my character's brother, and we worked on our PC's together, but secretly he and the DM conspired to have that character killed as a conduit for a surprise reveal of his real character, his gunslinger from the last campaign who was presumed dead or lost in Shadowfel. Their scheme went off without a hitch, and many razzes followed, for which this venerable court charged them with a first degree wrongful razz with the aforementioned penalty. Justices, I do not seek to overturn the ruling of the court, but to beg leniency. Since that first session a year and a half ago, the campaign has unfolded into a triumphant crescendo of storytelling and emotion. The Gunslinger played his character masterfully, and in the end our characters became as close as brothers themselves. Our DM crafted a magnificent narrative and never failed to surprise and challenge us, even managing to change his plans entirely for me and my spouse planning a move across the country. The campaign concluded with a climactic, emotional fight against Strahd, ripped from the jaws of oblivion and transformed into a vampire dragon diety, where he was absolutely dunked on by a basketball playing bear and killed, the perfect end to a story 4 years and most of our early 20's in the making. I prostrate myself before your holinesses to beg forgiveness for their transgressions. I fear too in my initial case I misrepresented how close I am to these two lovely people. We have known each other for half a decade, and are close friends - the DM officiated my wedding. We regularly take each other deep into the razzberry patch. I ask the church to ascend my friend's from the fiery claws of Bear Satan into the hallowed halls of Bear heaven, where they may dunk forever in the blessed court of LeBearon James himself. If necessary, I shall cast myself into the fire for their salvation. We hold ourselves at the mercy of Dice Christ and this venerable court.

Jake de Medeiros

May it please the court- I’m running a campaign set in a magical version of the American Wild West. My party is comprised of 3 rogues, friends from work. We all work at a coal mine in Canada, so we spend lots of time together, and have a good dynamic. Our current arc is centred around the party robbing a train full of gold ore and delivering it to a corrupt mayor. While planning the heist, one of my friends got really into the idea of double crossing the mayor and keeping the train for themselves as a personal vehicle. The party loved the plan, but became discouraged when I told them that because this was a old fashioned setting, there wasn’t a wide rail network, and they wouldn’t be able to take the train a significant distance away from the mayors town, much less use it to navigate the country. This detail about the rail network was already established, but I still felt like I was literally railroading my party by insisting on sticking to my own lore instead of going with their idea. Should I have ditched my own lore and let them ride the train off into the sunset, or is it okay for a DM to stick to a “realistic” setting? P.S. I understand the rule of cool, but adding an expansive rail network to my world feels like a pretty big shift to make on the fly. I didn’t say that they couldn’t double cross the mayor, I only said they couldn’t take the train. Thanks

Matthew Harvey

To the Critters and the Hitters and also Bailiff Axeford. I bring forth the case of the bag of holding oopsie. I was playing a highly (19 Intelligent) smary bastard of a tortle named Squilim in a mini-campaign to raid a lost city. In the final session when we reached the lost city, we all split off to different places, my cruel professor tortle beginning to sweep items from a Magic shop into a bag of holding. Since the players were separate and I didn't really care about the exact magic items (it was just loot to get our characters rich) I said "I'll just throw everything in the bag and meet up with the others." This proved fatal as my DM said I threw ANOTHER bag of holding in my bag which opened a gateway to the Astral sea. I countered saying Squilim wouldn't be stupid enough to throw a bag in the bag, knowing how the item worked but he said "you threw everything in the store in the bag" I wasn't mad ultimately and the game was wrapping up without another combat so I didn't miss anything but I ask, who was in the wrong? Me for not doing a full inventory on items or the DM for banishing my evil tortle school teacher cleric?

Vincent Wood

Bailiff Emily and her legal lackeys, I request your input on a case of subterfuge. My party were playing the water deep dragon heist module when we came across a powerful plot-vital artefact that I will not name here for the sake of spoilers. In line with the political intrigue of the game we debated heavily what to do with it, and while our bard argued we should hand it to the open lord of waterdeep for safekeeping, we ultimately decided that no one could be trusted with it so we would keep it safely in our base. However it turns out no one really could be trusted - our bard in a text chain sidebar with our DM stole the item, snuck it to the open lord and did not tell us about it until two sessions later. It ended up fine and we convinced the open lord to give it back to us as we needed it, but justices - there was no roll or check for the rest of the party, and it left me feeling distrustful of even my closest allies. Is the bard or the DM in the wrong, or do I need to drink a tall glass of cement and harden up about it?

Dru Thomas

Long time prayer first time confessor May dice Christ forgive me for my transgressions. I’ve been a member of several groups and in fact started some and my sin is that I get bored and leave half way through the campaign to never return nor speak to said group I’ve abandoned. Every time I get my hopes up thinking that is group and campaign will be the one but alas it never is and I leave like a dick in the night. May dice Christ forgive me or if you demand it I shall cast myself in to dice hell!

Uncanny

To the ever merciful justices and the ever dependable Bailiff Hard Jake Shorts. I bring you the case of The Wasted Wish. I’ve been a part of an online campaign for almost 2 years now. We were a party of 4 and one DMPC. At the time I was playing an Eladrin Rogue/Wizard. My character was a part of the Thieves Guild and stole a book that was actually some sort of prison for an ancient black dragon. My character was now cursed and couldn’t get rid of the book without getting an aneurysm so he did what the book asked him while looking for a way to prematurely cut ties to this book. At some point the DM puts a Deck of Many Things I’m front of us through a Bag of Holding which was stolen by the DMPC. I drew one card only and I got The Moon card. I then rolled a 3 for the amount of wishes. I used the first 2 wishes for the party, but I used the 3rd wish to end my curse. The DM made me roll the percentile die 3 times and asked me to call high or low before I roll. I only got one roll right and my character instantly died. The DM said that the Wish did cut my connection to the book, but there were side effects that ended up hurting me. The damage was so high it killed me outright. Judges, I ask, shouldn’t a Wish just a give me what I want without having to roll for it and WITHOUT KILLING ME or was what I was asking for too much? I patiently await for your judgment, Uncanny

D Cord

To the Honorable Crit Justices and the effervescent wife worm bailiff I submit the case of the tactical drop horse: In a game with some of my closest friends, I play an aarakocra paladin, please Justice Murphy, resist eye rolling for just a moment. In a recent session, our group stumbled upon a small camp of the invading army in the forest we were in. The group decided to approach as friends, but to have me fly over invisible, and wait at the other side of the camp in case things turned sour, just to draw attention of the enemies in two directions. I doffed my armor and we loaded my plate mail onto the horse we domesticated at the top of the session (I named her Buttermilk.) I flew over and found a place on the opposite side of camp to hide while the rest of the group initiated conversation with the camp. The plan was if things turned south the ranger would send Buttermilk through the camp to me, where I would then grab my armor and don same with the special Don/doff armor I have. When things inevitably heated up, the ranger rolled a 22 animal handling check to send Buttermilk to me. The DM said in no uncertain terms: absolutely not. It ended up being fine, we got through the combat mostly unscathed but I humbly ask the court: should we have been able to use Buttermilk as a tactical horse care pack

Tallen

To the illustrious and radiant justices on high and the wretched wife worm bailiff below, I bring to you the case of the railroaded backstory. I was once a forever DM, but for a year now I've been lucky enough to be a player once a month as one of my players stepped up to DM their own campaign. He's an excellent DM in all regards except one: he won't stop writing our character's backstories. Every time we bring him a character, even characters that already have backstories, we inevitably receive a multi-page Google doc containing a new backstory. Sometimes they're great, oftentimes they're totally different from what we had intended for our character. Are we within our rights to say something, or should I just be grateful for the opportunity to play at all? I throw myself, but preferably him, upon your mercy.

Funmi the Flamingo!

To the Esteemed Bailiff Emily and those other guys riding her coattails. I present the case of the accidental main characters. I DM a Spelljammer campaign for a group of my friends that include both experienced and new players. I fear my two most experienced players have accidentally become main characters. While I have written story threads for all my players I feel like the first timers are less willing to engage in rp aspects than my experienced players causing an imbalance in the story. As far as I can tell everyone is having fun and no one has mentioned feeling left out but I am afraid that I am not doing my due diligence as a DM to give everyone their moments. I lay myself before the court thank you

Zeno is a Paradox

Dear high priest of dice Christ I come to you with a unusual request. I am a forever DM who is finally gotten to be a player and I am immensely enjoying it but unfortunately dice christ has blessed me too much and I am rolling too well and the dm, who is dming for the 1st time, does not know how to deal with the amount of success that I am bringing to the table. I have broken crafting systems, I have made monsters unable to hide anywhere for this DM to succeed, i have tried switching to digital dice to no avail. I beseech you to give this blessing to one who needs it so that my DM can finally have me fail a saving throw or hit my AC. I await your judgment and hopefully low or mid rolls in my future.

The Crit Crew

Greeting honorable and supremely talented Judges Horwitz and tanner, as well as the effervescent Bailiff Axford! (Oh and I guess Judge Murphy as well) I present to you the case of the Unwarranted Priest Assassination. This was many years ago in a Curse of Strahd campaign I was playing in with a group of friends of mine. In our second session we had made it to the first town and came across a church. We entered casually, except for our ranger who announced he was going to stealth in and hide behind the pews. We then proceeded to talk to the priest of this church to discern what was going on in this town/get the lay off the land. As we had just rolled a persuasion check to get him to talk our ranger says, “I fire an arrow at him.” As we question why on our earth he would do this he said, “This guy is sus as fuck.” Providing no other reason and insisting he attacks, our DM had no choice but to let him. The priest was a commoner so of course he 100% died. Leaving us with no answers as to what was going on and a dead body on our hands. We ended the session and told our ranger he couldn’t just attack Willy nilly like that without talking to us first, an argument insued and he eventually we kicked him out of the party. Judges, and Murph, I ask were we right to scold him and remove from our group? Or did we restrict his right to take action and Roleplay? I humbly await your response.

Kingofanchovies

To the judges who are awesome and collect rocks and Murphy and the best stick collector emily I present the case of the absent minded tabaxi. I was in a campaign with 4 other people, 2 normal pcs had been kidnapped and we were rescuing them and all the other pcs were obsessed with these temporary pcs dying so we could have the magic items which I felt was weird and so did the one was a tabaxi who we were escaping with and he lost all his memories to these monsters and became comatose everyone in my party looted him and left him my pc wanted to save him but the dm said I wasn't strong enough to carry him with, so I was forced to leave him just lying their and the party members saying it didn't matter and I was forced to just leave the comatose guy in a cave after I caused the death of his surrogate son to a baby kraken. I ask you judges was I wrong to push to save the comatose tabaxi instead of robbing him and leaving his body behind or was my party right to get the loot and leave him behind

Help_I_Can’t_Sleep

To the esteemed crit and the even more esteemed Bailiff Emily, I present the case of the never ended dash encounter. I recently played in a play-by-post dnd game. Our DM was new to pbp games (the whole party was) so pacing was something they were still figuring out. Understandable. However, They kept us in non-stop encounters, no time to rest, no time to heal, nothing. That could be a fun concept for a high level party with lots of resources and ability to be creative with recharging. We were level 1. I, a Druid, was the ONLY healer in the whole party. And my two spell slots were gone after the first battle. Now All of this was tough, but NOT the worst part. The final encounter the DM put us in was running through a collapsing hallway. Essentially, taking dash actions, falling debris would hinder movement, etc. Which is a totally normal encounter for a regular table, might take some time at a table, but nothing egregious. This encounter took TWO WHOLE MONTHS. Two whole months of dash actions. Two whole months of dash actions and a dead party member. When we finally finished we assumed we would have time to rest, finally heal, get spells back, etc, only for the dm to immediately throw another fight at us. A few of us tried to politely hint to the dm how not fun the dash encounter was during those two months, but they kept going. Once they tried to launch us into more combat directly after we paused the game to talk to the dm and explain our frustration. This resulted in the dm leaving the group, and the game ending. I ask you, were we in the right to express these frustrations to the dm, or should we have given them the benefit of the doubt considering they were still figuring out pacing? (Note, we were very respectful in how we expressed said frustrations) I await your swift ruling, Wren The Druid who’s legs don’t work because they ran for too long (They/Them)

KOJXVMason

Hello bailiffs and the true and only judge Jemily I bring to you the case of the true 93 year old pirate I 32 year old Dm ran an Avatar the last Airbender campaign for my wife (36)and her father (late 50’s) and her stepmom(late 50’s) and her grandfather who turned 93 that year it was the first time everyone except for my wife played so I help make their characters for them and at the last second the step-mom asked me to make a character for the grandfather which I happily obliged turning it from a 3 player to now a 4 player including the grandfather which I made a cool pirate character who was a non-bender more roguish so he wouldn’t have to worry about spells for a first time player session went great everyone made tea ,fought the bandits ,and was returning to celebrate or so I thought it was at this point when the party lands and is about to exit into the monastery of airbenders when her grandfather looks at me and says me and my crew would like to raid the monastery and at that my jaw hit the floor and I found out oh no GG Pa is a chaos player and to which my father in law said can he do this? To which I reply while picking my jaw off the floor with fuck yes he can roll initiative and here is my problem I don’t have crew set up except for his sidekick I made so I could help him if he needed it cuz hey 93 year old war vet anywho I told him to roll a D6 and that is how much crew you have unfortunately dice Christ laughed as he rolled a one so this man wants to raid a monastery with 1 crew member ,his sidekick ,and himself so judges should I have given GG pa more or did I make the right decision for him to roll for crew I humbly await your ruling PS forever live Captain Alabaster

SomeBaldNomad

Oh honorable justices and wiggly wife worm Emily.. I present the case of the unkowingly punished player. I play in a large 6 player campaign thats been going a couple years. One night a few months ago I was playing Helldivers 2 with my a friend who plays the Warlock in the party, when he, unprompted, started giving me spoilers that he and the dm came up with for his new patron and next story events regarding his character.. For a little more context he recently found out that his patron was secretly really the BBEG. Well as soon as we logged of I messaged my best friend, who is dating the DM. Needless to say he told her and they were very angry. The dm then decided in the next session that the bbeg will show up, and take all of his warlock levels away leaving him like a level 3 of his other class, along side the rest of the party of level 10s. On top of that she took his left arm that bore the tatoos of his pact. The dm also dropped their planned changes and he's been still waiting for what they planned to happen. He has been like this for about 7 or so sessions with him only getting 1 level of warlock back in the latest session. I ask the court, is this justified punishment? Has he suffered enough or should the punishment continue? Ps. Everyone at our table listens to NADDPOD, so there's a good chance of the court revealing this all to everyone at the table, instead of just the 3 of us that know.

Brendan Reese

Greetings Justices and Cute Little Jakey Boy: I was running an adjusted version of The Lost Mines of Phandelver for some friends a couple years back. The party was sneaking into the Hideout of the Redbrands, a local gang of criminals; they had to get past a room of gambling guards, fight undead skeletons, and talk their way past giant intelligent spiders. During the height of this sneaky dungeon, one of my players began to play the Mission Impossible theme on his phone. This delighted the other players, and in truth, I though it was friggin awesome too; the party cleared the dungeon and had a great time. However, I've been in different campaigns in which players have taken it upon themselves to either play music or produce Discord Sound Effects at moments they feel warrant it. The time my friend played the MI theme felt appropriate and fun; many of the other times I've seen it, it has not. Is it every appropriate for players to take the atmosphere of the table (IE, sounds, Music, lighting, etc) into their own hands, and if so, what's the cut off point between awesome and annoying? I await your judgement with a single, powerfully bated breath. Thank you.

RoleforThat

To the morally correct judges, and enlightened bailiff Emily, Today, I present you with the case of the ruined pants. I ran a session where the PCs were ambushed by a group of assassins. The assassins were looking for something the party had, and so were trying to restrain them whenever possible. At one point in the fight, the bard of the group found themselves tied up and held hostage, as a way to leverage the rest of the party to surrender. On the bard’s turn, the player had the idea to pretend to die in the hopes that the assassin would walk away, which I admit is not a terrible plan. The part where I objected is that to sell it, the bard described falling to the ground and shitting their pants in order to prove that they well and truly died. I initially said no, but then the entire table yelled at me and basically bullied me into letting the bard make a performance check to convince the assassin that they had kicked the bucket. I set the DC at 25, and judges…..they passed. I then had to narrate their plan working and we moved on from there. But, to this day, I still feel like the plan was too cartoonish to work, even though all my players still swear up and down that it was an incredibly logical move. Judges, who was right in this situation, the scatalitious players or the uptight DM? I humbly await your verdict. P.S. The bard player in question was my then fiancé, and now wife.

Rew Denneno

Hello my delightful bailiffs and that Jeff guy! Today I present to you the case of the (potentially) cannibalistic water genasi. In this campaign of three players I play as a water genasi named Gumbo who has recently defected from his knightly underwater order. The current quest of this campaign is our journey to travel to a wealthy city known as Okimar. In traveling there our party stayed in a local village along the way known as Slumville, whose military was in direct conflict with a gang of bugbears known as the wild ones. One notable detail about my backstory I discussed with my dm that I thought would be funny is having my character and water genasis of this world to eat bugbears whenever they wander into the ocean. My DM agreed to this peice of lore and thought it would be funny if it ever came into play— I did not think it would. After our first battle with the wild ones there were two dead bugbears left on the battlefield, to which I asked my dm if I could stealthily remove their carcasses and bring them to my room to dismember and cook, seeing as it is my characters main diet. I got a nat 20 persuasion check with the first officer of slumville who caught me, and he let me go willingly with the carvasses. The other pcs had a huge problem with this in character, claiming that bugbears are people and should not be eaten. My characters defense was that it is apart of their culture and due to differences in intelligence level water genasis do not view bugbears as people but as prey . I was successful with my stealth check but this bugbear eating fiasco has gotten our campaign into a huge mess. Since eating this one bug bear the entire community of bug bears has rallied against us, even those not in the wild ones. The first officer did not stay by his word and told the rest of the village, leaving us promptly exiled. When we arrived at okimar we were immediately denied with little explanation, only to what we can infer is my bug bear cannibalism. The campaign has gone totally off course and seems to mostly involve us surviving in the wild and warring against bug bears. It seems every time we play my dm and other two places can’t manage to not bring up my failure via eating a bug bear every five minutes or so. It’s hard to tell if they’re mad simply in character or if this transcends the game boundary. I did not know my silly wild character choice would lead to a total derailing of the campaign considering I ran the lore descision by the dm before hand. If eating a bugbear was going to lead to the passive aggressive table behavior I never would have! Judges am I at fault for simply complying with my characters wacky lore that was agreed upon?

AlolanRychu

If it pleases the (mostly) honorable Supreme Crit and their actual leader, the impeccable and undeniable Bailiff Emily, I present the Dilemma of Too Many Soldiers I'm not gonna lie, I'm feeling like I kinda beefed it. I'm currently running a hybrid campaign that took the players from Waterdeep: Dragon Heist into Descent into Avernus, throwing in some tasty homebrew to link the stories together. Long story short, one of the villains from Waterdeep went to hell and became a warlord and was gathering power by mass producing infernal iron automatons that use soul coins in the same way the vehicles do, and due to personal history (and a captured friend) my party wanted to take him on as soon as possible. I tried signposting as much as possible that this was NOT a good idea and that he could very easily wreck them. They said they wanted to anyway, which was fine by me because I wanted to present them with some interesting stuff after dying in hell. Justices, they whomped me in such a mathematically implausible way that they now have an army of automatons (using the Armory Golem stat block from the Kobold Press creature codex) at their beck and call. The fight should have killed at least one of them, and now they have a force that can EASILY trivialize the rest of the module. They haven't complained about any of this, and seem to be having a good time, but I do worry they're going to run roughshot on the rest of the campaign because of one extremely lucky encounter. Justices, am I right in my worry about this module becoming moot (due to work circumstances I simply do not have time to do massive homebrew changes which is WHY I run mostly official modules) or should I stop worrying and be fine that my extremely tactical and lucky party are going to steamroll hell

Danielle Carolla

To the ever present justices and the wife worm bailiff, I present my case of the stolen action surge. I was able to play in my very first one shot campaign. It was my first time playing and I was so excited to use my knowledge from hours and hours of NADDPOD listening. I was given several premade adventurers to chose from because of time constraints we weren’t able to create our own characters. I chose a level 4 fighter. During one of our combats, I had made a pretty great attack on the main bad guy. I proudly exclaimed that I would like to action surge, channeling my inner Hardwon voice. The DM allowed me to roll my attack, which hit, but then told me that I would lose my attack because at that moment a trap sprung and hit me instead. Judges, I would so upset by my stolen action surge, would would have likely downed the main bad guy with that attack. Was I wronged?! Or was my knowledge incorrect in that my turn would have still needed to be completed before the trap would go in order of initiative? I humbly await your judgement.

Doctor Ransom

Good day, may it please the divinely anointed and prodigious justices of the Supreme Crit and especially the Bodacious Bailiff, Her Lady Queen of the Wormderground, I present the case of the Interjecting Paladin. I'm currently DMing a Curse of Strahd campaign and one player in particular seems to grind my gears just a bit too much. This player is a Paladin and his IRL significant other plays the Cleric, who is a fairly new player to D&D but she’s learning the game really well. Whenever combat breaks out, Paladin loves to butt in on the Cleric's turns "suggesting" what she should do on her turn - spoiler alert it mostly involves casting Spirit Guardians! He barely lets her get a word in before he interrupts with what he calls “battle advice”. He’s even telling the party’s Bard what to do as well, saying she should use Cutting Words or Silvery Barbs against any attack that only hits him. It's become so glaringly annoying and I feel helpless as the DM. Justices I plead for your most sagacious and forthright judgment on this case. What ever shall a poor DM do to correct this pestiferously peremptory Paladin’s impropriety?

Noah Kyle

!!UPDATE!! To the justices and the bailiff I bring to the court an update AND a new case, the case of my players v. the Supreme Crit The Recap: I am the starfinder DM with bad self-talk who took the mulligan on a soul projection prison break when my player’s questions made me realize I did not like this plot thread. You sentenced my players to have cat John Cena threaten their lives and then jizz in the back of their car (it was a weird episode) The Update: we have had the prison break since this case was submitted and it went exceedingly well. The prison played many cerebral tricks on my players and in the end they broke the backstory character out only for an assassin, who was assigned to kill the character if she ever got out, to kill the NPC, the player that knew her, and another PC who sacrificed themselves so the rest could escape. It was rad as hell and has started a super fun goth arc in our campaign we’re all very excited about. A New Case: I was extremely excited to share with my players that we had been featured on my favorite podcast; I have been listening since ~Ep 50 of C1 and have mentioned something from the show to one or more of my players at least once a week. I tell you this to tell you that I can not do that anymore because to my players NADDPOD’s name is mud. They were all some combination of incredulous or enraged at the Court’s ruling that they were “pedantic” and that you should not question the DM’s story for logic. They are especially mad at justice Murphy, who in the episode was staunchly against asking questions at the table, saying things about him like”fuck that guy”, “that question hating chode”, or, “Murph, that 5 foot 3 bitch”. Any mention of the show or their punishment has me taken to the razzberry patch, specifically because “we didn’t sue you” and how dare I submit a case to a court that must have someone punished? Justices, should I explode my players? They’re talking mad shit, and I have a lot of power as their PC’s God, so should I just wreck their shit? Or have I done my players wrong by misrepresenting them in the highest crit of the land?

Jake R

To the highly esteemed justices, and Balif Emily who ranks higher than the one with whom I regrettably share a name with. I bring to you the case of the overconfident party members. I am a new DM for my Fiance and a group of her rowdy friends. In session one, after spending a few hours joking and intentionally ignoring all of my plot hooks to razz each other at a bar, the party eventually ended up at a Bullywug camp in a poisonous swamp to save to beautiful Maidens. The problem lies, in how they handled this encounter. After a well executed spy mission by one of the parties firmiliars and getting a lay of the land, the party then ignored the advantage they had over the situation, and decided to throw their fellow PC gnome directly into battle and start fighting the entire camp at once. After everyone in the party went down other than the Rogue, I decided to use some DM bs and inform them at this point that I had "forgotten" to give them all a minor healing potion and that the rogue could use this to save them. The party very closely and hilariously was revived and won the fight with barley any HP remaining. Now however, my party members have been razzing me in our group chat saying they outsmarted my tough encounter, and that they are unstoppable now. Justices, should I take my party members confidence down and kill them easily in the next upcoming sessions, or should I accept my razzing for the campaign as this is the president that I have set alowing them to escape after giving them a free handout. P.S. this is all in lighthearted fun we are having an amazing time, I just want to know if its wrong to knock them down a few levels in the confidence stat.

Z

Oh Great and Voluptuous Judges! Please consider this a humble defeat, on the part of this nastiest of bards. Months ago, I wrote in to ask if my brother was insane to try and trick me into playing Magic the Gathering with him in the middle of a DnD game. We have both seen the errors in our ways, and my brother conceded defeat after being sentenced to create a Lady Orca commander deck, which you can find here (or written out in an email I just sent): https://www.moxfield.com/decks/t-TIuvv8k0-i1rMaSA9-bg I believe I was also too harsh, so we’re going to plan a hybrid game that he always intended, and it’s going to be awesome. After all, we were playing Guild Masters Guide to Ravnica, which apparently had a MtG tie in the whole time, I was just dense. Thank you for bringing my family together once again, and now I can die happy knowing I made my favorite comedians in the world laugh a little bit. You guys are awesome :)

Mike Conroy

To the Illustrious and Most Honored Justices of the Crit and the Worm Wife Bailiff that would give Richard Scary a run for his money… I ask once and for all to set the precedent: Nat 20 on Initiative should mean you go first no matter what! Let me properly set the scene: To celebrate graduating college this year, some friends and I played a level 15 Two-Shot set in the Fantasy High universe with the premise of being that us players were recruited teachers at Aguefort (you know cause so many teachers have died the past few years). As would be expected, the final battle ended up being a fight against Aguefort himself. Knowing this would probably happen I planned for my teacher to in tradition actually be evil trying to cause the apocalypse, so I was prepped to pull out my secret weapon spells and make my big reveal on ny turn. I roll for initiative and see that sweet little 20 staring back up at me. This is perfect! I have free rein of the battlefield to use my spells! Then my DM said those horrid words to me “20+3 is a 23, Aguefort for 18+8 so he goes first”. I argued my case but the DM declared that RAW Nat 20 is only an auto success on attacks so I would have to go second. I conceded, but it has left a bitter taste in my mouth in the weeks since. Justices, I do not ask you to punish my dm, it is not their fault our system is flawed. I IMPLORE you to finally set forth the precedent that a Nat 20 initiative roll will always go first!

MyrMonkshood

To those litigeous hotties in the barrister wigs, and to the even more impressive baliff, I bring you the case of the AOE spell vs the invisible BBEG. My partner was DMing a high school wrestling murder mystery campaign. The final battle involved keeping the CEO of the wrestling league from hitting a sacred bell with a sacred hammer. A wild magic effect, not on anyone's turn, caused this baddie to go invisible right before our bard's turn. Our bard wanted to cast shatter on him without hitting our very hurt cleric. Our DM said it would be a DC 18 arcana check to place the spell in such a way, even though there was no way the invisible BBEG could have moved yet. This spooked our bard from casting this spell at all! I only complained to say that my DM would see me in court, but we quickly moved on. So here we are. Please allow me to shower him with stale croissants!

Bonnie Green

To the church of Dice Christ, I offer a confession. I am lying to my players. I have been DMing for nearly 8 years and after the WOTC rubbish recently, my players and I have moved around a variety of game systems. I have, in the back of my head, a dream to one day produce my own rules systems so previously whenever we introduced a homebrew rule, I made a note for my own system. Recently, when my players have asked for a rule clarification I have sometimes submitted a rule from my own system as a way to playtest it secretly. If the rule sucks, I can say, “dang, guess we’ll change it” and switch to the original rule. That way I can playtest my system and blame clunkers on poor Pathfinder 2e or Call of Cthulhu or Shadowrun. Unfortunately I believe my players are catching on, with one even buying the rulebook of two of our usual systems - unheard of! My heart is o’erladen with guilt at my own deceit and also the fact that I might soon be caught. I lay my eternal soul at the feet of Dice Christ, we lift up our hearts, we lift them up to the Lord, etc

Matthew J

To the honorable justices and everyone’s favorite wife worm, I humbly bring before you the Case of the Dhampir Mutineer. A couple years ago, our campaign was crossing the ocean to rescue one of the player characters, who had been abducted. In the meantime, the player whose character had been kidnapped played an Artificer who was secretly a dhampir. One fateful session, my Paladin, who had been elected captain by the rest of the party, was keeping watch at the helm. In character, I had to step away for a moment, so I asked the party’s Bard to take the wheel. The Artificer announced that she wanted to go for the wheel instead, prompting an Athletics check between her and the Bard. The Bard won handily, and he narrated his character casually pushing the Artificer away. The Artificer reacted by biting him with her secret vampire fangs. My Paladin grappled her and tried to get answers before things devolved into full PVP, but instead of answering any questions, she commanded her robot familiar to shoot me in the back. Two rounds of combat later, the Bard, who was convinced that the Artificer was a full vampire, finished her off while she was rolling death saves. After tying her up, we cast Revivify on her so we could get answers (and, out of game, to give the player a second chance with her character). For the next two hours, we begged her to give any explanation about why we should trust her going forward, while she refused to explain herself, apologize, or even acknowledge any wrongdoing (in and out of character). When our characters stepped off to the side to discuss how to proceed, the Artificer tried to break free of her bonds and escape. We knocked her back to 0 HP, and, seeing no other course of action that made sense in character, we ultimately decided to kill her. For additional context, this was not the only time that the Artificer player initiated PVP, but it was the only time that it resulted in a character death. Justices, were we wrong to kill our friend’s character twice, or were we justified in executing an unapologetic instigator? We humbly await your judgment.

Mad Dungeon Mama

To the Marvelous Murph, Courtly Caldwell, Jake, and Elevated Emily, I present to you... The case of Adam Ruining Everything... I am a part of a Humblewood campaign with my best friend (K) and her fiance (F), another couple (Adam and S), and another guy (J). We are a few sessions in, and I unfortunately wasn't there during the offending incident, but heard plenty about it. Everyone had rolled initiative and it was coming up on S's turn when our DM, Adam, was telling her what she should do while J finished up his turn with his oxen fighter Salisbury. When it finally came time for S to take her turn with Bottlecap the raccoon trickery cleric, she made her turn. It was, in fact, not what Adam had told her she should do. And he. Was. Pissed. He went off on a tirade of "Why does he bother... She doesn't listen... She's gonna get herself and everyone killed if she doesn't listen..." And so on... For FIVE. MINUTES! She quietly apologized, took her turn his way, and play moved along. Squaberto the pigeon and Swifty the fox, quickly and mechanically took their turns, still in shock. It's back to Salisbury, but the damage has been done. He stands up and leaves, and K and F follow suit. Justices. This is not a matter of who is in the wrong, but a demand for justice for Bottlecap and S herself. I await your ruling to determine how we can finally (as this is not his first infraction of ruining something) Ruin Adam.

Ali

To the Gold Medalists in When-Did-This-Come-Out Justices and the Semi-Pro Bailiff Axford, I present the case of the D&DUI: Early in my 5-year campaign, as a first-time DM, I handed out a Decanter of Endless Water. Over time, I let the players "upgrade" it and it was too late before I realized they now had a Decanter of Endless Booze that was filled an Elven healing wine. Through raw DM sweat, I balance it by adding a Con Save to avoid "drunkenness" (poisoned + 1 exhaustion), scaling with the amount healed. Punishing enough, right? Wrong. Judges, my players are always drunk. They pregame every fight with healing chugs to top off their HP and regularly teeter on the edge of death—not from enemies, but from alcohol poisoning. One nearly died mid-fight by getting 6 levels of exhaustion, saved only by bardic inspiration. So, Judges: Was I wrong to hand them the decanter? Should I have cracked down on their spiraling upgrades? Or should I just let them drink themselves to death while my BBEG stands there like their designated driver?

2fastBicurious

To the most honorable justices, even my burpless brethren the baby boy who is only a judge in Boston. . . Blake? Thank you especially to the beautiful bailiff sweetie! May it please the court and give you all the most supreme crit. ;) I'd like to submit the case of the quiet Kenku. My table was running a home brew campaign and we were getting close to finding and fighting our BBEG. Our party included a kenku, Crowbar, who played by the mimic rules that he could only repeat words and sounds he had heard before. The BBEG was hidden away on another plane and to get to him, we had to enter a cave full of grueling puzzles and traps to reach a portal. We barely made it through alive. At the end of the cave, our DM announced that we would be silent and communicate only in written form or telepathically, (though no one one in our crew had the message cantrip). We were presented with a written riddle (think "speak friend and enter" style puzzle). Part of the riddle was solving for the answer, the other part was determining who could say the answer. If we answered wrong, or the wrong person spoke we were told the reaction would be TPK bad, and we were very weak already from the cave. We sat around the table passing notes, and determined the answer to the riddle was "Onomotopoeia" and the person to give the answer was a choice between either the youngest member of our party, or the physically smallest member of our party. The problem? Crowbar was both. Crowbar vehemently insisted there was no way he would have heard the word onomotopoeia before and therefore could not speak it. Our DM knew going into this that Crowbar was both the smallest and youngest and seemed to be gleeful about our predicament. After several pleas to both the DM and Crowbar to try to find a loophole we conceded we could not solve the puzzle currently. I suggested we take a long rest, exit the cave, teach Crowbar onomotopoeia, rest again, and come back, as it seemed the only solution. In the process, we ran out of potions on the way out, and on the way back our cleric, the party's only healer, went down, and she failed her death saves. My hexblade warlock attempted to call upon my patron for help without success. In the end only 3 party members of our 6 member crew, including myself and Crowbar made it to the end concious. Crowbar triumphantly said Onomotopoeia and the gate opened. Our session ended feeling empty and hollow. In real life there was a fight after the session. The players expressed we were upset at Crowbar for being so stubborn and at the DM for intentionally putting us in this situation. Crowbar argued that's how his character has always been and we shouldn't expect him to change because of a bad in game situation. The DM argued that we could have been teaching Crowbar words throughout the campaign before this so we wouldn't be here. I said it was an intentionally obscure word and we had no reason to teach it. Our DM laughed at me for being so upset, so I got up and left with the cleric, saying we were going to start a new campaign. Later, Crowbar texted me and said I had overreacted to a simple difficult scenario, and that if that's how I reacted when things didn't go my way, then no one would ever want me in their dnd party. I feel justified in being mad, but wonder if I didn't react too strongly. So I come to the mercy of the court asking, was I wrong to take the Murph response of "find new friends" or was my DM being unreasonable? I humbly await your judgement and accept whatever punishment I may receive.

Nathan Perez

The Mascot Rat Restaurant that refused to be Forgotten. To the two esteemed judges, the EM-aculate baliff, and also some other scrub. I present this establishment that will just not die. During a stay at a settlement in the sky, I jokingly made a Chuck-E-Cheese style place called “Rocky Sprockets’s Turbo-tastic Funtime Onion Extravapalooza” (I was slightly drunk, I don’t know where the onion came from). My party immediately became obsessed with it, to the point where in order to get the plot going again, I had to have the mascot, a giant fat rat holding a wrench, do an insane amount of magic drugs and explode, destroying the facility in an arcane fart. Now my party constantly asks for more Rocky Sprocket landmarks wherever they go, and since I’m an enabler, I keep making them. Is there any hope to me having any sort of seriousness in my campaign, or am I doomed to forever open franchises with this mechanical mouse? PS - Go Bulldogs! (I’m from the New Haven area Jake!)

Tara Reid

O Sagacious Judges and Jesterous buffoonish (but handsome) bailiff, I come before the court seeking not judgement but fact finding. I dreamed a dream in which the man-wife of Emily Axford; Brian K. Murphy, told to me a joke so hilarious I woke up laughing uncontrollably in real life and frightened my dog, my cat, and my sleeping fiance. I ask the court, what was this joke? I wish to share it with my d&d table and frankly the world AND THIS COURT deserves to know the truth

Blaize Gordon

Forgive me holy emmissaries of dice christ, I bring to you the confession of the fiancé's forgone fun day. It was a nice Saturday, the weather was stunning, and both myself and my fiancé were trying to figure out how to spend such a wonderful weekend when this event occurred. I am a geek, I love my little gremlin hobbies like gaming, anime and books, my lovely fiancé is more of a doer, loves the outdoors, kayaking and exploring new places amongst other things. In the chaos of planning between seeing a movie or relaxing at home before a party, my lovely lady suggested "let's roll for it". I have Oft told her the Murphy motto of "never leave anything you dont want to happen up to a dice roll". Holy emmisaries, my mouth stayed shut and my hands shot for my nearest set of dice. I rolled higher and we went to the movies and ended up canceling our evening plans to party for a comfortable night in. I ask of you, am I a bad fiancé? And can I be forgiven for this transgression. P.S. our upcoming wedding is legend of Zelda themed, just popping this in for bailiff axford!

Ben Kaufman

I have a confession for the Dear Cardinals of Dice Christ as a DM experiencing a dark night of the soul. I've been the DM for a remote group of players running the Curse of Strahd module for a couple of years now. For months I felt the campaign was lagging and it felt like a chore to run the module as written. I kept trying to make it a bit more pop-horror, but the extra work to add-on was making it hard to keep regular sessions. That's when a vision from Dice Christ loaded into my Mixed Bag feed: America's Next Top Minion. I laughed, I wheezed, maybe I peed a little. One week shortly after, when I hadn't finished my prep for the night's planned session, I asked if my players would be down to try a little one shot. Only 2 of my 4 players said they would join for it. It ended up being an absolute blast - with the Instant Minion system, we met Mr. Friend (a muppet fired from his children's show, now selling energy drinks) and Yarplip (a male "imp-fluencer" who was horny as hell). Since then, my ANM evangelists have asked me to run one shots for my group when anyone can't make a session and even for my siblings-in-law following a baby shower. Cardinals, will Dice Christ forgive me that I actually enjoy running Instant Minion games more than Curse of Strahd?

benji b

Honorable Justices and also that man in a loincloth, I bring to you the case of Joel, the cowardly npc that my party gave a gun I was running a game last year for some friends (3 brand new players, and veteran), and in a small town they came across a local halfling named Joel (fully inspired by scoutmaster Denny), and convinced him to show them the way to the tower of the wizard they were hunting. On coming to the tower, Joel insisted that he was too scared of the wizard, and that he shouldn’t continue with them, openly admitting his cowardice. The rouge, named Hush Hush Harold, gave Joel an impassioned speech about being courageous, culminating in hush hush Harold handing Joel a revolver, with the words “Joel, you’ll know when the time is right. Do not hesitate to use this in your foes”. So into the tower he went, armed with his six shooter. Inside, there was a library that was guarded by 2 roaming gelatinous cubes. The party, all passing the save to see the cubes, decided to attempt to stealth through, so I called for initiative to track the encounter. Joel rolled highest. At this point I must clarify, no one made an effort to tell Joel to be stealthy, and none of them spoke in character while the decision was made. I gave the dm hint by saying “are you all sure everyone here understands your plan?” And I was assured that everyone did. At the beginning of Joel’s turn, I had the party roll an intelligence check and a “courage” check, using his charisma bonus. Judges, Joel got a 2 on his intelligence, and an 18 on his courage. So Joel, seeing an enemy and for the first time in his life having a weapon to take it on, stepped out from cover and fired at one of the cubes. Hell broke loose. The table erupted, saying it was an unfair call, and that surely Joel would know better. But judges I argue, is that not what the intelligence check was for, to know if it would be a stupid idea to stand up and fire? Judges, I ask, was this a fair call? Did my players give Joel too much credit, or was Joel finally being courageous for the first time in his life? P.s. in the same encounter, Joel Died, due to being absorbed by a cube while pinned between two bookshelves. The party was distraught, however, I maintain that Joel died an honorable and worthy death. This death also served the purpose of them not keeping Joel the rest of the campaign.

Just adopted a male bearded dragon and had to name it. So welcome to the family CHASE LIZ-ARD-SON.

Forgive me Dice Christ, for I have fucked up. I am playing a Divination wizard and have fallen into the trap of waiting for “just the right moment” to use my portent rolls. This resulted in it taking more than 2 real world months before we were in a climactic scene, and I was ready to use them. I had written them down, but told my party over Discord that I had lost the note. My DM said to just roll two new ones for the fight. Honored priests, though I did not have the paper, I knew in my heart what those rolls were; a 4 and a 13. I wanted the chance to roll something better for the battle. I rolled an 18 and a 14, which I was excited about. However, a corrupt paladin swung at me with a divine smite. I didn’t have the 4 to assign to the roll. This led to me being in death saves for the next hour and a half, between getting temporarily revived by my party. Though my wizard lived, I know what I did. May the clickity clackaty math rock gods have mercy on my soul.

Spenser Willden

Oh mostly honorable justices and elevated Bailiff, hear my plea. I write to you with a case of character disdain. A few years ago, I started playing in a game with some friends I’d played with for years before. A buddy and I decided to make characters who were brothers with linked backstories and conflict rife between them, and lo, all was well. Cut to now, and life circumstances have made playing in the weekly game more difficult for me (I’ve moved, I’ve graduated college, etc). This group loves playing weekly, and I think I’ve found that maybe this is not for me anymore, so I’ve asked if my character can be phased out, at least for a time, so I don’t hold up the game. The only issue is the DM—when jokingly asked his least favorite character in the game, he responded seriously by saying “the one who is holding another character hostage,” meaning me. He wouldn’t elaborate and we moved on, and the rest of the session he was weird and prickly. I think he thinks that by creating a PC with links to another PC, by leaving I’m sabotaging the story of that other PC. high crit—am I in the wrong here? Am I holding my brother character hostage? I seek validation in the weird vibes of what my DM said.

Santa Grinch Hugging HumBaba and two Fairies

Effervescent Bailiff/Wounderous Worm Wife Emily how do i seek forgiveness for Failing my insight check IRL when deciding to move to Phoenix for a emotionally unavailable lover i met playing D&D online.

Scottee

Hey there centaurs! I demand that my DM be summarily executed. The evidence: my character, a barbarian with Intimidation proficiency. His NPC: a random estate guard. Our party took said guard by surprise and my character threatened him with great violence should he not cooperate. DM asked for an intimidation roll. I got a 22. DM rolls a d4 and announces that the guard immediately screams out for help because, I quote, "scaring people reverts them to, like, fight or flight instincts." I helpfully informed the DM that this makes Intimidation almost utterly useless as a skill and still he did not relent because "yeah, torturing people doesn't work, and I don't want it to work in my games." Justices. No torture was uses, only threats of violence, and I don't think the mob would be such a cultural staple if scaring people led to completely random results. Please, inflict your justice unto this DM, and if you didn't start running in fear when an execution was demanded, I think it's safe to say that Persuasion is not the only social skill in the game. May the gods grant you victory.

Kneeburgers

I present the case of the MacGuffin Cat: To the predictably-sized judges and the teeny tiny bailiff: I’m the DM of a Witcher-inspired campaign where my players are monster hunters investigating the secrets of ancient sorcerers who concealed where monsters come from. While exploring an abandoned desert monastery the party found a magical black cat named Mossy who had belonged to one of those sorcerers. Mossy has become a passive, low-key member of the party, and my plan was for him to remain so. However, recently one of my players said he hoped “Mossy turned out to have some unknown power” and now I’m wondering if I should acquiesce! Would making Mossy a part of defeating the BBEG be a quaint job for a magical cat, or is writing in a feline MacGuffin too much? I humbly await your guidance.

Lucas Ahlstrom

Esteemed cherubic justices and the baliff in the corner hoarding shiny rocks: May it please the court, I present to you the case of the too slow calm emotions. I am the DM of a fledgling 5e campaign with all new players. One of my players, Monk, is such a wild card, that our bard took calm emotions at level 3 purely to have a way to put an end to his antics. In our most recent arc, some shit eating kids we're harassing the party, and Monk decided to throw a snowball full of nails at them. He rolled a nat 1 on his attack and the snowball landed at the kids' feet. Horrified at the attempted assault, the kids turned and ran away. Monk wanted to chase after them and attack one of them while Bard wanted to cast calm emotions to stop him. I called for initiative. Monk rolled higher than the bard, and Monk knocked out one of the kids with his quarterstaff before Bard could act. They didn't know the kids where the children of a local government official, and the party ended up in pretty hot water. Bard was livid that she couldn't cast her spell to stop Monk, and my call for initiative is still contested to this day. So justices, was I wrong for calling for initiative? Was I wrong for letting Monk go that far? I await your judgement. P.s. Monk has been much more cooperative with the rest of the party since this debacle.

DJ Matty Lil Crits

To the Wife Worm and Wife Guys of the Supreme Crit, and whatever Jill calls Jake to calm him down when he's crying, I present the Neglectful Husband. We were a group of lv 7s fighting a lich and his minions. the DMPC cleric had thrust her sword into the lich's chest to absorb his magic so we would take only half damage to lower the difficulty of the fight. Knowing the lich couldn't remove the sword, my bard cast heat metal on the sword. After 2 rounds of my bullshit, my DM ruled that I'd heated the sword enough to melt it, even though that's not how the spell works. I was fine with it, and took it as a compliment for my spell usage. We won without any permanent deaths thanks to the cleric's revivify and her father, a Duke of Hell, dragging the boss to hell to completely skip the second phase. My actual grievance is that on the way home, the cleric's husband, an ancient silver dragon and my DM's pathfinder character, arrived to guide us home. As we celebrated our victory, the dragon cornered my character demanding I buy his wife a replacement sword, as the sword I melted had been an anniversary present. As a lv 7 bard, I did not have the funds to buy a new legendary class sword. He said don't worry, I can pay it off later. Judges, I do not want to buy him a sword. if he wants his wife to have a sword to defend her, I recommend he be more present in her life. What say you? I humbly await the wisdom of her worm-li-ness and the compassion of the court.

Dayvis7

To the honorable judges and wife worm bailiff Emily I bring the case of the main character DMPC. In a campaign I've been a part of my DM plays a human fighter npc in full plate armor that magically contains a demon curse. His character cannot speak and communicates by writing on a chalk board. We were at a masquerade in the elven capital at our political rivals house, and one of our party members wanted to sneak away to get information. She was the only member that it made sense for them to go because they were the only elf and would not be missed. Our DM then states that his character would be joining her and when we asked how his very distinctive character would not be noticed missing at the masquerade said that his character had set up that four identical actors had been arranged to mingle in the masquerade so no one would notice he was gone. This is not the first time he has inserted his character into to places that don't make sense for him to be or giving his character items the rest of the part does have access to (like full mithril armor and weapons.) I'm I right to feel like our PC's are being made to side characters by our DM or I'm I justified in telling my DM it does not make sense for his character to be in places he shouldn't. I humbly await your judgment, and my punishment if need be.

Felix Principe-gillespie

To the high honorary justices and noble bailiff Axford, I come to you with a case that continues to rattle our table weeks later. It hinges on a simple question, can you fail a campaign? After spending months of play, amassing armies and levelling up to defend a city from the villain and his army, my players, through some of the worst rolls I’ve ever seen and some really unfortunate plays, just, lost. The city fell, and the villain killed them. We’re now getting ready for our next campaign and the feelings at the table are mixed. Most are excited to go back into the world and see what it looks like now, see if they can finish what the first party started, but two players have the opposite reaction. They have made clear they don’t want to play again if they can lose, they argue, what’s the point in all of this if at the end we can just be defeated, that I should have done some cosmic madness to ensure they won. I ask you justices, was I in the wrong, or should campaigns be allowed to fail?

Canadian Schubert the Mushroom 🍄

Emily and the boys: Was my DM right to turn down seven of my pitched characters? Some were for reasonable, world reasons. But he turned down my Storm Sorcerer because he thought the subclass was OP. Storm Sorcerers suck! He also turned down my satyr because I insisted that he was opposed to pants, and if he had to wear them, he'd flop around like a cat in clothes. He's got fur! Emily and the boys, bring down your judgment on someone please.

Jane Lee

To the all mighty Bailiff Axford, and the all knowing Justices Murphy, Tanner, and friend. I bring to you the case of the unmovable Grandma. Back in 2021 I started playing a through-zoom dnd game with my cousins, uncle, dad, and grandma. We played as dispatch detectives solving a train hijacking that was supposed to last about four sessions. However, I was unable to make it to the last game. While my whole family did go ahead with the session and defeat the BBG without me, we retconned my characters absence by saying that I simply was in the other room dealing with hostages and my cousin DM promised to hold one last session centered around what my character was up to. When I showed up to the last session, my family surprised me by announcing they had made all new characters to each play a different hostage and that it was now my job (alone) to come up with a plan to save them. However, when we started playing, my grandma ultimately decided that she would not listen to any plan I would come up with as she “didn’t trust authority figures”. The session then turned into 40 minutes of me trying to convince my in real life grandma that she could trust me, her own granddaughter. I’m timid and shy, so I didn’t say anything to the table, but even now this session bothers me. All knowing justices, and also Jake, I argue that if these were regular NPCS I would have been able to make a persuasion check to convince them to listen to me, and because of that I should have been able to make a persuasion check against my grandma instead of having to genuinely convince her to be on my side. Was I robbed of this by my own family, or should I have tried harder to get my grandma to have faith in me? I leave my case in your court.

Sneakyserpent 64

To the esteemed judges and that one balif seen attempting to talk to rats; a few years ago I had joined a group of people who took turns playing and running relatively frequent one-shots, each of which agreed to run RAW. I must admit myself as a rules lawyer who enjoys power builds, though as I'm not in dungeon Christ's church, this is no confession of guilt. One of our players offered to dungeon master with the exception that they add some homebrew rule changes; that potions can be drank as bonus actions, and that we ignore the action/bonus action spell casting limitations (you may cast a leveled spell on your action or bonus as the spell describes, but may not cast both a bonus action AND action spell in the same turn) As a bladesinger psionic warrior, I was delighted, though I knew that the game's balance would be wildly set off. Come the day to play, I start the first turn of combat against a handful of slime cubes by casting misty step to position myself properly, action surging to cast haste on myself, casting lightning bolt on the perfect line of slime cubes, and then attempted to cast booming blade with my new hastened action to finish off the final slime. Bladesinger's 6th level ability allows you to trade out any attack from the attack action out with a cantrip, haste offers an additional action that can ONLY allow you to take the attack action (1 weapon attack only) for 1 attack. The turn destroyed all of the enemies and ended combat prematurely before the DM threw reinforcements and the boss fight at us, at which point I subjected myself to a more supportive role to make sure the rest of the party had as much fun My questions is this- was I cheating for attempting to finish off the last slime with booming blade instead of my normal weapon attack on a hastened action? Was I rude to game the DM's Homebrew rules and womp the enemies in a turn? I await your judgement

Devin Awe

Context deprived, 2025 I'm haunted armor. Heat Metal on me, but Cold. Should I hurt? Jake Sucks.

Andrew Swope

To the honored Justices on High, and - wait, is that Jill's ex? I humbly ask: Can you tilt a cone? I played in a campaign as a draconic-soul sorcerer, and to embody the flavor I took damage spells that only used lines or cones so my spells would feel more like dragon breath weapon. In a critical combat, our party's helper NPC who was a size small Kobold was surrounded by size medium enemy minions. In an effort to save the Kobold I asked if I could tilt my cone damage spell so it would only hit the top half of the enemies and go over the head of our smaller companion. The DM said no, and I protested once trying to point out that the cone is coming from me so I can just tilt it up a bit. The DM said no again and I dropped it so the session could continue, but I still disagree. If a fireball can be placed midair to only hit certain creatures can a cone or a line not be tilted to do the same?

Gabriel

Humble apostles of Dice Christ, I come bearing a confession, for I have acted in anger. I DM for a small group of friends, one of which being a Divine Soul Sorcerer, meaning he has access to the Cleric spell list. He uses his sorcery points to use Twinned Spell on Spiritual Weapon, creating two extra weapons to control as his bonus action. I was quite flustered and tried to object to this, as he easily womps the encounters I plan, but he insists that, Rules as Written, it works. In a fit of rage, I had plotted my revenge, and they were ambushed by cultists. Since they were clerics of an evil God, I stocked all of them with Spiritual Weapon. The absolute pounding that unfolded left our friend group quite stunned, as I honestly only targeted him. I didn't kill him, but left him passed out after being mollywhopped by nearly a dozen spiritual weapons. I've come to repent for the actions I have taken in anger, though I must admit, it was really, really cathartic.

Raphael Majma

Dear Honorable Justices of the Court, and to the big ol’ sweetie pie bailiff Jake, I humbly submit to you the Case of the Rage Quit Paladin. I was playing in an online Theros-themed campaign with a group of strangers on a paid platform. I brought in my rogue swashbuckler/hexblade warlock—a charming scoundrel type—and was excited to lean into the roleplay. The rest of the party seemed chill, but a few cracks started to show early on. One player, a paladin, began voicing some discontent whenever I did rogue-ish things—like keeping my backstory vague or picking a pocket or two. I figured he was just roleplaying his character’s suspicion, so I didn’t think much of it and kept doing my thing. In the next session, we each had private scenes with an Oracle (huge props to the DM—this was very cool). The Oracle gave each of us a mysterious prophecy tied to our backstory. When the party regrouped, folks started sharing what they’d learned—but I kept mine to myself. My character had just learned he was secretly the child of a god and fated to clash with them. It felt totally in-character not to spill that to a group of strangers he barely trusted. Then… the paladin abruptly logged off. Poof. Gone. At first we thought it was a connection issue, but it became clear pretty quickly that he wasn’t coming back. I’d apparently ruined the game he wanted to play. The DM was kind and didn’t blame me, but the vibe was off after that, and I ended up leaving the game not long after. It was a bummer all around. So, Justices: Was I wrong to hold back in the name of character roleplaying? Should I have gone along with the group dynamic, especially since we were all paying to be there and trying to have a good time? Or was the paladin out of line for expecting full transparency from a rogue? With humble curiosity and chastely admonished vibes, Rafa

tippytulip

To the most illustrious judges and the effervescent bailiff, I present the case of the Pottymouth Police, may it please the court: I used to play weekly at a game hosted by a local game store. This game store had two cardinal rules— no outside food and drink, and no cursing at the table. Mildly annoying, but (probably) not that big of a deal. As a player, I suffer from the Murph-like curse of not just rolling low, but rolling bad. On more than one occasion I failed to roll above a ten for the entire 3 hour session. On one such occasion, upon rolling natural one number four (count them, four) of the evening, I exclaimed in a fit of exasperation “Jesus CHRIST!” The DM sharply urged me to watch my language— when I asked why (as there was much more colorful language I would have liked to have used), I was informed that if I used the Lord’s name in vain again, I would be asked to leave the table. Justices, am I correct in thinking this is absolutely batshit insane? I eventually left the campaign, but sometimes I still wonder if this is truly as bizarre as I think it is, or was the shop within their rights to lay down the law? I lay myself at the mercy of the court.

Alex W

To the higth court judges and lower court bailiff Emily I present the case of the Dm I think you railed loaded us I am a new dm picking up the ropes further first time and in my campaign . my players had just finished a convocation with the local mayor and I had describe there rather quick walk to the docks trying to get them to talk to the next npc on there journey then also for not as long as the players wanted. I then introduced the captain of the ship making them proceded to bord the boat with little interaction . After the session one of the members said thay felt a bit railed and pushed by the end and also wasn't able to go shoping for items . Between the end of that session I came up with a time loop situation that was to trigger early at next session on the boat to so thay would repeat the day again with a few more of a intress thread build in . And give a bit more time for a shoping trip and conversations Was I ok to put a time loop in so the party can go shoping and more story or should I of stayed my course and had a shop on the boat or something else I await for you're fair and just judgment .

The one they call Barlo

Warm greetings to the two rightful justices and the humble bailiff, with a smile that doesn't reach the eyes to the third 'Justice'. I bring the case of the stolen map! This took place last month and has led to the offending player leaving the table. We're playing Tomb of Annihilation, and our DM is doing just great. We play on roll20 and talk on Zoom. Three sessions ago, whilst the DM was explaining the new dungeon we found ourselves in (the map we could see was a corridor and all else blacked out), and before they finished the explanation our cleric had uploaded a copy of the entire dungeon map from the original source book they must have been looking at. One by one we noticed what had occurred, and not being the DM they could not delete the map, it sat there for all to see, until the DM said, 'What the hell?' Without saying anything the player immediately left the Zoom chat and texted the group simply stating "I am leaving the game". Muy picante, no? It's now been 6 weeks hence, and in this time it has been complete radio silence from them, save replying to me a couple of times. They have never acknowledged what they did and have now fully left the group and table he has been a part of for 4 years! Now, Justices, Bailiff, I am not emotionally defunct. There is something clearly bigger going on with my friend that they can't just say sorry and take a quick trip to "The Patch". I have kept all texts neutral and reassured them that we don't care and just want him back. This has also been met with mostly silence. They have since told the DM they think they're not understood by the other players and we're not a good fit for them, and that is why they have decided to leave the table and all text threads without so much as a 'cheerio'. I will continue to be supportive and encourage them to re-join us, and not just because we're now without a cleric facing the horde of the undead. However, this is crazy right? Please give me the justice I cannot bring myself to hand out in real life! Faithfully yours, Barlo P.S. hate the show x P.P.S. congrats "justice" Jake on a great adventure well ran. (Dear Wise and Noble Bailiff Worm, if generous reads have gotten out of control then please read Evidence A which I will attach below...)

Reese

To the noble Justices and the contemptuous bailiff Jack, (or the illuminated bailiff Emily). I bring to you the case of the Chicken Jockey. In my homebrew session my players we’re venturing into the dark Fey riddled swamps of Gravemarsh. They were investigating the wreckage of a carriage for a package. Upon studying the tracks near the carriage, they figured it was a chicken like monster. They found the package and went on their way. But not before hearing the screeches of a giant chicken monster (who has been mutated via methods similar to Blacklace!). Who attacked them from the dark. They all screamed “Chicken Jockey” but were sad to see their was no zombie riding it’s back. They thought it would’ve been an easter egg to the Minecraft movie and SCOLDED ME for not thinking of this! This derailed the rest if the session, being continuously brought up before I cut the session short to give them time to get over this. They were very upset i cut the session. So i beg you, please. Am I at fault for cutting the session short or them for making this session about a meme.

Rob's Wit

To the Honored Judges and Belladonna Bailiff! I bring to you the case of the Mirror-Beheaded Hydra. Elements: Mirror of Life Trapping, Enlarge/Reduce, Hydra As a DM to three fantastically creative players, I tend to really reward players when they think outside of the box. In this case we had a five-headed hydra that was appearing from within a Mirror of Life Trapping. Though the creature had technically been released, we had not reached it's turn in initiative, so i flavored its appearance as the five heads lashing out from the mirror. For context, the hydra is a 172 HP creature with 5 heads and has the following ability: Whenever the hydra takes 25 or more damage in a single turn, one of its heads dies. If all its heads die, the hydra dies. At the end of its turn, it grows two heads for each of its heads that died since its last turn, unless it has taken fire damage since its last turn. The hydra regains 10 hit points for each head regrown in this way. One of my players (my wife) took that moment to cast "Enlarge/Reduce" on the mirror, using the "Reduce" effect specifically. Though I try not to let flavor overly effect mechanics, this moment felt too good to pass up. Enlarge/Reduce does specify non-magical items, so I did ask for an Arcana check (DC 15) to do so, which her character passed. Here is the crux of my issue. Looking back, I should have rolled some improv damage dice and had that affect the Hydra. Instead, I declared that she could roll 1d6-2 and that would be the amount of heads severed by the shrinking mirror. With a 6 on the die, my wife slayed 4 heads of the hydra, and the rest of the party finished off the last head in the same round. Am I too rewarding of my wife's ingenious moves or do the judges agree with the outcome here? I fear that rewarding players with insta-kill opportunities like this could be a slippery slope!

Thefindingmoon

To the prestidigitated Justices and mended MLE, I bring to you the case of Bob’s Fiery Fate! In the last few sessions of our curse of Strahd campaign, we rallied a town of commoners to join us in facing off against Strahd. On the way to the castle we fought some monsters and sent a group of commoners ahead of us in the battle. The result, we managed to keep all 5 commoners alive and Commoner B AKA Bob, got a killing blow on a large fiend. We asked if we could have Bob become a level 1 fighter that we controlled and our DM gave this requested agency to our comrade Bob. We love Bob and in the next fight before Strahd he even scored armor and a flail that upped his AC to 20 and gave him solid fighting stats. I now bring to you the injustice. In our final fight against Strahd, Bob was knocked unconscious, on his third death save he rolled a nat 20. Everyone was elated. I said so Bob can take his turn right and the DM and one of the other players said very matter of factly that a nat 20 death save brings you to 1 hp but at the end of your turn. It really isn’t a big deal and if it’s a house rule fine, but they were saying it as if this was RAW. Bob ultimately survived 2 more rounds of combat, coming back to full with a second wind, gaining temp hp from an ally, surviving another strike and then met his demises to a high level fire ball. If Bob would have gotten his turn at the appropriate time, I believe due to placing he may have survived. At the end of the day we all had fun and I chose to revivify our paladin with my last 3rd level spell instead of Bob and we invoked a statue of him, but was I in the wrong for not speaking up for Bob or was I right to accept my DM and player’s incorrect ruling. I already had to smash one of my DMs counter spells due to the 60ft rule and wasn’t trying to be that guy, but I fear Bob’s fate may have been in my hands. I await your ruling. PS as a fun side note the Five Commoners were Commoner A (Adam) Commoner B (Bob) Commoner C (Carlos) Commoner D (Doug) Just Commoner (Prince)

Steven W.

To the undefinable Supreme Crit Justices and the wonderfully whimsical worm wife Wemily! I bring to you the case of Bart Simpson, the world's most hated NPC. I was DMing a campaign and the PCs were traveling to the Abyss to meet with a succubus warlord. During the meeting, I briefly introduced the warlord's bodyguards, which included a wispling (half gnome/half demon). I described him as “pacing back and forth behind the warlord, with his hands resting on hand axes” and “he has short and spiky hair. Kind of like Bart Simpson.” I got some light razzing for this description, but nothing else was said about him. The meeting with the warlord went well and the PCs were offered to stay the night as guests. That evening, the bodyguard was sent to deliver a message to the PCs. As soon as their room door was opened, the party fighter attacked the wispling, followed immediately by the party sorcerer plane-shifting him to their god's home plane, where the demon would be hunted for sport. Despite having never spoken a word to them, my PCs had unanimously decided to kill the bodyguard. After the session I asked how they came to their decision. One player said, “I knew he was going to die the moment you described him pacing with his hands on his axes.” Two others said it was when I compared him to Bart Simpson. Regardless, they all claim that their actions were justified. The bodyguard was supposed to back stab the party during a climactic fight, so it worked out that they just dealt with him before hand, but I ask you: Were my players wrong to kill my NPC before he technically did anything wrong, or are they just masters at sniffing out a traitorous Bart Simp-- I mean demon?

Mesa W

May it please the beautiful, radiant justices and disappoint the the bailiff, I present the case of the tale of two rangers. I play in a pathfinder 2e campaign. We were starting a second campaign taking place mostly underwater in a flooded area. I made a surfer dude ranger with a turtle animal companion. After we had a player quit mid combat after getting mad at the pathfinder grapple mechanics, we decided to invite another player in. I invited my roommate, and another player invited their dm from a different group. We decided to play in a “vibe check” oneshot to make sure the new players fit in with the group. The forever dm player brought a lone wolf ranger with an animal companion who was uninterested in interacting with the rest of the party, which initially raised the dnd court listening hackles of some of us, but to his credit he played a lone wolf character in the least obnoxious way possible and was still engaged, so we decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. The bigger problem came when the lone wolf player expressed that he wanted to bring the same ranger character to the permanent campaign. We initially objected to a lone wolf character joining the party and not engaging with the rest of us, but the lone wolf character insisted that the character wouldn’t be a lone wolf for long. I then raised the objection that I did not want to play with a second animal companion focused ranger, as I would feel redundant, which the lone wolf player didn’t acknowledge as an issue and said the characters will be different enough. I offered to change my character’s class, but the dm said that I shouldn’t be forced to change my character to accommodate someone else, and would not let me reclass my character. The dm eventually laid down the rule that the other player was not going to be allowed to bring the lone wolf ranger in, and the lone wolf player decided not to play in the campaign after all. However, I still feel as though I caused unnecessary drama in my desire to have a unique character, so I ask you judges, was I wrong to object to a duplicate character? Should I have just sucked it up and been one of two rangers, or was the dm wrong to refuse to let me change my class for the sake of keeping the peace? I humbly await your enlightening verdict.

You Yee’d your last Haw

To the honorably crit justices and the ever radiant bailiff Axford. May it please the court I present the PC crush: me and my group of friends have been playing the same campaign for about 6 years now. During Covid me and the DM started dating (we’re still together now) but this shift of me and the DM’s dynamic made the table a little…different? A couple sessions after we announced we were dating, our Barbarian player (DM’s roommate) in game role played a scene with my Bard and we ended the scene with an in game kiss. After that moment he started texting me almost daily to talk about our PC’s in game relationship. It became apparent that he had a crush on me in real life. It made role play really uncomfortable with my DM/significant other watching while our Barbarian would flirt with me, grab my hand in real life to hold, etc. I didn’t know what to do and neither did my partner. We didn’t want to ruin our friendship with the Barbarian/roommate with a confrontation and make an awkward living situation. So crit justices, I ask you, should I have put a stop to it? Should the DM have stepped in when I voiced my discomfort? Was the Barbarian just REALLY into the roleplay and me and my significant other just reading too far into in game actions? I leave that to the bench.

Corey Rasmussen

Hello Beautiful Council, I present the Case of the Encampment Party Massacre. To the esteemed council of eldritch lore keepers and the intern DM Jacob, I present a conflict of consequences feeling unearned. Early in the state of the notoriously cruel Curse of Strahd campaign, my players encountered the Vistani drifters. Understandably cautious after several rough encounters they took a tactical approach to potentially ambush these people should they choose to turn violent. All except for one who decided to "Crash the party" by throwing a barrel of the very scarce wine into the fire. The Vistani became enraged and then my two players preparing an ambush of "retaliation" were spotted sneaking around and they chose to murder the first person they saw. This led to an encounter killing all of them except for Madam Eva. Given that one of the players was very new to DND I let them go with a slew of curses on their characters and the promise of consequences down the road. Fast Forward to down the road, the players are complaining about their exceptional wealth and no use for it, when I informed them that there was a use, and that the Vistani can travel in and out of Barovia exclusively to potentially fetch goods from outside. They have burnt this bridge however by massacring a slew of them. Am I wrong for making my players suffer with the irony of endless glad and nowhere to splurge, or am I in the right for letting them even get this far without worse consequences. I humbly await your harsh but fair verdicts.

reeeen

Dear Justices Jacob, Hugh, and Brian and the queen bailiff Emily, I bring you the case of the Quid Pro Quo Paladin. I was DMing a second session with a new party where a group of wanna-be heroes went to HERO Con to meet legendary heroes, but discovered there was infighting. In the second session, the party battled through a dungeon to rescue a level 15 hero barbarian who had been betrayed by his peers. After finishing the dungeon, the party was preparing to free the barbarian when the parties’ level 2 paladin stated that she would only free the hero in exchange for his legendary sword. I gave multiple “Are you sure’s?”. It didn’t work. I then role played the barbarian explaining that the soul of his dead lover was imbued in the sword, so he couldn’t give it up. The Paladin didn’t budge, saying they would just take the sword off the Barbarian’s corpse. The rest of the party just accepted this. I gave in. I essentially threw away most of what I had planned for the whole campaign instead having the party free the Barbarian’s lover so the Paladin could have the sword. Was I wrong to not follow through and just kill this character for extorting a NPC 13 levels stronger even if it was the second session? We played for over two years and only stopped after a very toxic breakup.

Amanda

Confession Hello Father (catholic, get your mind out of the gutter Daddy Jake) Ms. Axford, Wife Worm, Justice… and I guess those other guys. The year is 2023, I’m in college. I had an acquaintance dm me after seeing me post NADDPOD as one of my top podcasts that year to invite me to join a group that semi-regularly met up to play and drink mead. As someone who has only watched/listened to d&d, I have always wanted to play. The confession is I knew this guy had a crush on me and got scared that my experience would be weird if he made a move so I did not join. I’m afraid I missed my one chance to join a game with at least one person I knew - playing with strangers makes me nervous. Will Dice Christ forgive me that I wasted the D&D opportunity I was so wanting?

Rowdy Grandpa

To the resplendent priests of Dice Christ themself, chief among them High Priest Tanner my fellow medium king (5 foot 6 on a good day over here): I come prostrating myself before the church and humbly seek your support. I am the DM of a group that consists of my significant other and four good friends! Besides my spouse, my friends have limited playing experience (but are huge fans of Dimension 20, if that increases the chance that this confession gets read) and have shown up to each session of our in-person campaign excited to play. I was eager to get things ~rolling~ too and decided my players should roll stats to involve them more in the session zero, though I've only done standard array stats as a player in other games. In my haste, I made a ruling that the "drop 2" system we were using would... involve the players rolling a D20 eight times total, and dropping the two lowest numbers. TWO of my players proceeded to crit for one of their stats, and everyone got at least one 18 or 19. In my hubris, I chose to keep the rolls instead of redoing the process with the proper rules. We are now a year into this campaign and I am challenged with balancing encounters for a level 3 party that boasts a Barbarian & a Paladin with 20 Strength / Charisma, respectively. Learn from my example, dice devout, and never hesitate to pause and consult The Good Book.

Matt Hartt

I only share this because you're not asking the crit for a ruling, but twin spell doesn't work on spiritual weapon. You were rightfully annoyed

Nicolas P.

To the highly respected judges and the bailiff I would not make eye contact with, I present my humble case. I play in a campaign where homebrewed that advantage and disadvantage can now stack. One instance of advantage is a flat +2 to the roll. Two instances is the regular roll two dice take the higher. Three instances is both combined. The same works in the opposite direction for disadvantage and they both cancel each other out like normal. Judges, while this may provide opportunities for optimization, I miss having my two d20s. Plus, my DM’s creatures always seem to have ways to gain more advantage and force more disadvantage than the players. I have not spoken up about my distaste because I am a yellow-bellied coward, but is this a fair rule? Should my double dice be stripped away from me and put behind the crunch of optimizing? I await your ruling.

Darkrisky

The Daddy Killing Patron To the incredibly badass judges and the plain bad bailiff Jared, I give you the case of the patron-less daddy killer. There’s a lot to this case so I will keep it as brief as possible. I played a sea elf fathomless warlock of a noble background with a surfer/stoner vibe and a distrust of authority. She’s at a school to get away from her overprotective parents who sent her there with a necklace of sending. (I have explicitly said to my DM I am excited to play this class and that I did not want an evil patron.) During their adventures, my character was given a flute by an evil entity. Not wanting the responsibility, she destroyed it. As she did, her patron began to scream into her head something about freedom and “destroying all the sea elves”. Concerned, my character decides to use her necklace of sending to call her dad to ask if he knows anything about her patron. When she contacts her dad in a FaceTime-y way, her dad screams at her that she has doomed her whole city by destroying this flute. Turns out that destroying the flute resulted in her patron being released from the plane her city elders were keeping it. A tentacle then rose from the water and skewered her father. (Keep in mind my character saw all this in a “Facetime”.) My character ran to the headmaster of the school to get help and he opened a portal to her home city which was being destroyed by my character’s patron. Suddenly, my patron got sucked into the sky without any explanation. My DM then turns to me and says I’ve lost all my warlock levels and had to choose a new class! He stood there smiling at me waiting for my answer. He was surprised when I said my character killed herself and then I quit the campaign. He quit DMing this campaign after this because he “got bored”. So I ask this of you judges, was I wrong to be miffed and should have waited to see where the cool storyline he supposedly had planned went or did I have every right to be upset? I await your humble ruling.

Logan Nash

Dear Honorable Bailiff Sheila, this is the case of the sleepy artificer. My brother runs a Strixhaven campaign with me and three other people a few weeks ago one player was unable to play, so I offered to twoshot a homebrew of something similar to spell jammer, my brother crashlands his ship and refuses to rescue the remaining survivors I asked him if he's sure And then he just proceeds to walk away. then later in the campaign after talking to a warlock patron who asks him If there is anything that he wants he asks for "a thing of nachos" The patron relents and is just like "You don't even need to make a pact with me to do this, I can just give you nachos" but he insists on doing a pact with them for the nachos, After the session I call him up and I'm like "hey why did you do this" and his response was he was tired after working his night shift job and that was his way of punishing me for waking him up, was I wrong to wake my brother up, and to also relent and give him the nachos or is my brother a goober who needs to be punished?

Zachary Andrews

Oh dear dice devils, I beseech thy evil wisdom. I run a campaign based loosely around the Netflix castlevania series taking place in a homebrew world of mine with airships and other magitech items. To make a long story short the party had an amulet that the vampires needed to complete their task of resurrecting Dracula but had evaded capture and detection for quite some time. The party was being stalked through a city and had even noticed their pursuers but chose to ignore them. After leaving the city they were ambushed in the sky by two other airships and held in place (breakable) chains. This ended the session but upon picking back up at the next I told them up top that this session was going to be very tough and that they would need to work together to escape and not necessarily kill all the enemies to succeed. The party immediately did entirely separate tasks and hardly cooperated to free the ship or at least escape with their lives. The crew failed to escape and were captured. As the session came to an end, half of the party was mostly despondent and frustrated, claiming that it was “unfair”. I will admit to making a mistake or two but after discussing it with two close friends/ players of mine, I’m not sure how to feel. They claim that they felt it was fair and that if they had worked together they could have won and escape but the other half disagrees. I’m torn on how I should feel towards the outcome. The sessions have stopped for over five months and one player even quit after his character “died” (I was planning to revive him with an Alucard background) with the rest being captured. Is it right for me to want my games to have stakes and consequences or should I just let my players womp me every session? (Side note: the players also had many magic items that they did not use during the fight)

You Yee’d your last Haw

Follow up: the Barbarian roommate and I have since had conversations about boundaries within roleplay. Sometimes he will still be a little too much during RP and will make my partner/DM uncomfortable but since they are no longer living together a lot of that tension has dissipated. Me and the DM will be having our 4 year anniversary soon and our dnd campaign is still going strong :)

Mr. Dude Sky

To the Deacons of the Dice I come seeking forgiveness and a way to get back into Dice Christ’s good graces. I am playing a Dragonborn in a group that was going to save some people in a Sahuagin lair but we would need to traverse an underwater passage. For most of us we could hold our breath the whole way. Unfortunately our Ork player was attacked by a vampire spawn the night before and had low constitution from the lack of blood so he couldn’t hold his breath as long. We tied a rope around each other so we wouldn’t get lost and then went in. The Ork player started drowning on our way through. He started having to roll death saves and if he could hold out long enough then they could make it to the air pocket in the lair. He passed the first save and things were looking good, but that’s when my transgression happened. I said “You’ll be good if you don’t roll a nat 1”. He rolled a nat 1. Things got quiet and I said “just don’t roll below a 10”. He rolled a 3. He drowned on our way to the lair. I may not have been the one rolling but I feel like I manifested this with my callouts. I beseech you deacons how can I possibly get into the good graces of Dice Christ after I killed our fellow party member like this?

Toxic Yobo

Greetings to thy three judgey ducks and lowly, lowly worm wife I was playing a devotion oath Paladin and the party was hunting down a murderer druid that was killing teenagers in town. Learning that the druids adopted mother was betrayed by the Kings of coin (the parents) the party decided to try and capture her alive. On the fateful session their was only two players out of five and not knowing how much hp the druid had I tried to do a non-lethal sneaky level two divine smite (not having any level one spell slots) The dm ruled that paladin divine smites couldn’t be non lethal and the amount of damage I dealt was the exact number to kill her, thus the DM said I broke my oath and I lost my paladin powers, suddenly a Wraith erupted from the druid which quickly striked down my now normal dude. Does killing a muderous druid unintentionally still deserving of praise or does my paladin deserve to be in the dirt with the other worm wives? Additional notes, the druid super killed two people and was going for a third so she definitely wasn’t innocent, the dm even let the other player revive the druid with a cure wounds in order to help fight the overwhelming Wraith while I died and went to limbo, not being accepted by his god.

garett144

To the venerable church, I have a confession. I doubted my dice and tested them only to be proven wrong. This was 40k not dnd so the dice in question were a bunch of d6. I went to a tournament which can be a 12 marathon of gaming with a one hour lunch break. Every single game that day I rolled like dog shit with the fancy dice I bought. I started to sour my mood as for the rest of the tournament I was under the impression that these expensive dice were imbalanced and I had wasted my money. The next day I decided to prove it by rolling each of my 25 dice 50 times and recording the results. To my surprise they came back close to perfectly balanced. I throw myself at your mercy as I have doubted dice christ and tried to disprove them. What judgement do you have for this hethen.

Jane Paintrain

To the Honorable Justices and the worm bailiff, Lowly - I present the case of the Marvel Menace. In the early days of our playgroup one of us wanted to try DMing for the first time with just me running two PCs. The practice session was fun and I agreed to another. What I didn’t know was that the DM invited a second player to the next session. I was nervous because my two characters were parodies of Marvel characters - funny for a one shot but far from what I would typically play in a full campaign. Of course, the new player comes in with Thor and Black Widow and a full campaign ensues. From there things only got worse as the second player created exclusively Marvel characters for all subsequent campaigns, one shots, and mini arcs in our larger play group. These PCs have not been well received at the table as we tend to play typical medieval high-fantasy adventures. Judges, I ask you - who must bear the blame for this superhero epidemic that has been going on six years now? Is it the second player for forcing his superhero fantasy into our forgotten realms, is it the new but overly permissive DM that enabled us, or must I make my way to a Dice Christ confessional and beg forgiveness for this superhero inception? Perhaps everyone is to blame and this case has no heroes after all. I leave the ruling in your capable hands.

Aidan Preston

To the Venerable Bailiff, and the Vulnerable Justices I bring to you the case of the butt hurt dm I am a long time player, and have DMed several games before. My housemates, partner and my partners cousins expressed interest in a game and so we decided to start one as a group, with one of the house mates DMing for the first time. Shortly after beginning our saga the DM (who was dating my partners sister) was dumped (by my partners sister). After this occurred we all started to notice the dm being a little unfair to my partner, and it slowly got worse and worse, to the point that multiple of us had magic weapons, including but not limited to a spiderman esque Phallic forearm protrusion that could pull enemies. However when my partner tried, on multiple occasions, to loot a simple whip the DM refused to give it to her. When confronted he relented… and gave her a broken whip that would require multiple sessions of work to fix. We confronted him and he justified it as “trying to make the world feel dynamic.” Ultimately we ended up leaving the game. I know we were in the right but was there anything else we could have done? My humblest thanks.

Josh Neal

To the esteemed judges and the amazing baliff Emily I bring the case of the overruled rune This happened in my first campaign playing dnd, I was playing a rune knight fighter in a Rick and Morty style campaign and in the a heated battle in this campaign we were facing a dragon with Rick as an npc at our side, the dragon was about to kill Rick with its final attack when I tried to use my cloud rune to redirect the attack at myself to save Rick, however, the DM said it didn’t work with no explanation and killed Rick anyway, was I wronged in my trying to save this npc that seemed important to the story?

JJ

The Case of the Ghosted Player If it so pleases the Honorable and most Magnificent judges, minus Jakeand and the baffling beautiful bailiff Emiliy, I have been a player in a long-running campaign with a group who all gets along pretty well except for one player. He only engages in RP during combat, while the rest of the time he is playing games, looking at pornographic images, or watching videos on his phone. In addition, he spent an obscene amount of time picking his toenails and burping very close to other player’s faces. Nearing the final boss battle, I had my baby, so we paused the campaign for a few months while I recovered. When I was ready to play again, the group decided we were going to start a whole new campaign and simply not include the problem player. We essentially ghosted him, and our DM told the player we simply do not get together anymore when he asked when we would play again. I ask the court, was this ghosting justified? Or will my baby and I be haunted by Dice Christ for the rest of time?

Hot Karl in the City

It is my pleasure to address the honorable supreme crit: Jake, the Lady Jake, little Jake, and lesser Jake. I present the case of Wrestlers Running Wild. My spouse and I were invited to play as the opposition in a level 12 colosseum match for a friend's group, as a special guest situation. In a moment of spousal synchronization, she looked at me and declared “Let's be wrestlers” as I said “Let's be heels.” It was perfect. I played an Aarakocra Druid, named Nature Boy, a flying distracting menace, supporting and confusing the battlefield. My spouse played Sandy Ravage, a Human Swashbuckler Rogue, who's sole purpose was grappling. It's been several years, but I believe the lowest possible athletics score she could get was a 25 (through Reliable Talent) To make things feel more authentic, we brought soundboards, filled with clips and performances from our mimicked wrestlers, to start matches and throw an “Oh Yeah!” or “Woooo!” when it felt appropriate. My spouse and I had a blast. It became quickly apparent that the group did not. Maybe it was the seemingly inescapable grapples and sneak attacks, maybe it was the flying birdman just making a mess of everything to throw off any possible plans. It's a mystery. A sullen silence descended on the other group as they frankly got womped. The game eventually ended with the DM declaring us as winners and the other group saying “Bye.” and quickly leaving. So I ask, were we in the wrong? Did we commit too hard to the gimmick? Should we have kept the sound effects (that I swear were used appropriately and never spammed) in the locker room? Or was the other group simply not ready for the tower of power, too sweet to be sour? I accept whatever terrible fate you bestow on me. P.S. The other groups DM is a long-term friend of my spouse and she says he absolutely loved what we brought.

Tykora

Hello honorable justices and the forever balif in our hearts jork. Today i bring you the case of the absent player. I dm a heavily homebrew campain for a group of friends that meets once a month. Now the problem is out of a 30 possible sessions this player has only showed to 5 and usually cancels a few hours before the meet up. I have tried very hard to accomadate them as they dont have a car i drive about 2 hours to pick them up usually. But the bigger issue is recently i had a talk with them about it and how upsetting it is to me that they cancel so often and short notice cause i put 80+ into prepping for each session and it came out they were intentionally making other plans because having a reoccuring thing on their schedule makes them feel restricted and spikes their anxiety so they make other plans in a panic instead of just telling me. I have told themthat we will be continuing the campain without them but their seat is always open for them if they ever want to stop by for a session or 2. I still feel bad about continuing without them was there a better way to resolve this? Everything past this is just extra information if questions are asked. Why does it take 80+ hours to prep a session?: 90% of my campaibs are homebrew from monsters, statblocks, items, custom tables, to the entire story. I also use and print minis for each session to accomadate one of my players that has aphantasia. I spend a decent amount of time picking music to set the tone of settings Why dont you just continue without them in the first place?: I have a rule where if one of my players cant make it i run a oneshot for those of us who can, but when they cancel mere hours before i dont have time to do that.

Marc Weinzapfel

To the illustrious Crit Judges Tanner and Murphy (what an incredible name for a law firm), the disgraced justice, Big Fat Jason, and the infallible cat mommy, Mrs. Emily Murphowitz Axfordson. I present the case of the Unfortunate New Boyfriend. So, I just started a brand new homebrew game for a quartet of fresh lil baby dnd first-timers. My wife's best friend (let's call her Faith because that's her name and idgaf bout using real names) has been watching Dimension 20 and, at my behest, listening to Naddpod to get some varying expectations for the game. She is doing wonderfully. To make her more comfortable at the table, I invited her cousin to play, as he had played in a one-shot with me before and has been begging to play since. Our other two players are my own cousin (first timer) and his long-time boyfriend who has played MOST of a Curse of Strahd game with me as well. He is my anchor and my little angel to help steer these new players when necessary. Once we arranged a session zero with the foursome, Faith's cousin informed me that his new boyfriend would be coming along. No problem. I love having an audience. It's a great way to entice new addicts. The week of our session zero, Faith's cousin informs me that his boyfriend is very VERY shy and is going to roll up a character to play. I didn't really have a good reason not to let him, so I said fine. He sent me his hardcore weeb backstory, I texted him separately to help flesh it out to be cohesive with the world, and boom. We were ready to rock. This man said zero words for the first two hours of actual gameplay. I asked him direct questions. I would get a smile and a shrug. Other players would ask him questions in character. Nothing. MAYBE an, "I don't know". Then they all spark up a blunt. Four of the fivesome were very high AND very engaged/having a great time. However, Faith's cousin's new boyfriend somehow got quieter. By that I mean he started dozing off at the table. We've only played two sessions and I keep checking in to make sure everyone is having a good time. I keep getting resounding yesses. (Wow. I've never seen yesses spelled out. What a weird word.) I have tried baking in some cool story elements for him to play with but I can't get him to FUCKING talk. I'm at a loss of what to do without hurting feelings and my other players are having a great time. Should I just drag this dead body along for the ride or should I nip this in the bud and have a serious conversation with him? Do I really want to use a TTRPG game as the catalyst for completely changing this man's personality? Also, this is Faith's cousin's FIRST boyfriend since coming out. He is in his 30's so it was a big moment. Fuck. Help! Also, thank you. - Marc Weinzapfel, DM 4 Lyfe

Kendall Bailey

May it please the crit, I submit the case of the concentrating spellcaster. I was playing a level 5 half-elf wizard in a one-shot with some friends. We were in combat and I cast Melf's Minute Meteors, I explained how six meteors floated around me, and then used my bonus action to send two meteors at an enemy. When it came back around to my turn I did a melee attack with my staff and then attempted to use my bonus action to send another two meteors at a different enemy. My DM asked, "Are those meteors a concentration spell?" I said yes. He responded, "Okay. Then all of your meteors went away when you attacked." I said, "A melee attack doesn't break concentration." He said it did. I began to protest, since this unexpected change in the rules would nerf me hard in combat. But another player at the table, who has never played as a spellcaster, spoke up and said, "He's the DM. He makes the rules." I let it go at that, not wanting to ruin the game for anyone. Later the DM and I talked about how concentration works and landed on me having to roll a check to maintain concentration during combat. It wasn't rules as written, but it was better than nothing. Problem solved, or so I thought. Fast forward to our next session, a one shot where we played level 10 characters - mine was a multiclassed College of Swords Bard/Swashbuckler Rogue tiefling. I should have smelled trouble in the air when, speaking to a devil, my DM asked what language I was using. I told him infernal, since I'm a tiefling, I have infernal heritage and thus speak the language. My DM replied,"Tieflings aren't infernal, they're usually druids." I was at a loss, but he allowed the interaction with the devil to continue, so crisis averted. Then we got to the final fight with the BBEG. In combat I successfully cast Crown of Madness on one of the BBEG's underlings, they swung at the BBEG and missed on their attack. It came around to my next turn and I asked the DM, "You want me to roll to maintain concentration on Crown of Madness before I use my movement?" My DM responded, "No, you can't move and keep concentration." I replied, "Didn't we agree I could roll for it during combat?" The DM responded, "No, I don't think you could keep concentration and move." Then the, "The DM makes the rules," guy from the previous session who, I remind you, has never played as a spellcaster before, chimed in, "Yeah, that makes sense." I was flabbergasted. But again, rather than make it a thing, I let the spell drop and used another spell attack instead. Am I too stuck on the rules as written? Or was the DM wrong to alter such an important rule of magic usage and action economy? I await your judgement.

Friendly Swamp Hag

Esteemed dice Christ Cardinals, I come not with a confession, but a proposal. Long story short, I have a tiny trebuchet behind my dm screen for launching dice in front of the table. One time I broke a player’s drink, it was awesome. It got me thinking, why doesn’t Dice Church have a violent way to handle the unrepentant? We could launch naughty and sinful players into the ocean via trebuchet. It would be sweet. All I ask in return is a tortle egg that I can throw out of a trebuchet. Wait, where am I? I was in church a second ago

Elliott Cordingley

Dearest Supreme Crit Justices, I bring you the case of the players vs. the magic dog. About 2 years ago, I started running the Wild Beyond the Witchlight module for some friends, who all chose martial classes with no spellcasting abilities. I introduced a DM-PC that is a homebrew magic dog. The Perfectly Ordinary Dog can cast spells in response to simple dog commands (shake, fetch, heel, etc), which the players would have to figure out through trial and error, as he’s a very good boy who only does as he’s told. Unfortunately, we’re over 20 sessions deep and my players still haven’t realized he can cast spells. They recently had an encounter in which the enemy cast Dominate Beast on the dog, and used him to cast spells against the party. The combat went poorly for them, and they had to flee without their dog. My players are pissed that they didn’t know he could cast spells until now and say I should have told them when they first met him. I agree it sucks but also they’ve had 2 real time years to figure it out! For the record, whenever they command him to do something, I ask them to say it in character and listen for one of his 11 command words. These are normal dog commands like fetch, shake, down, etc., but they’ve never said one. They’ve mostly kept him out of combat to have him protect a PC’s infant son when he’s present (50/50 custody), or take the help action. They also have been rather bad dog owners - they never named him and just call him ‘Dog’, they let him pee on friendly treants, etc. So I feel like this is just a natural consequence of their actions. Am I in the wrong for not telling my players about their dog’s arcane abilities? Or are they just bad owners? I await your swift judgment.

Lakeboss

To the musky judges, the perfect high justice axford, and to that other collegehumor (?) guy - I present the case of the splitting party. It is court precedent and dice church canon that thou shalt not split the party but in my current campaign my party is exploring a mystery in a city where there are several leads they are tracking down, each of which leads to a "dungeon" (a warehouse, a sewer complex, etc.) that unravels the mystery. However, my players are deadset on splitting up to explore each lead separately triggering encounters I designed for the whole party. I don't rebalance the encounters for the split party and they have even said "I don't think this fight was balanced"...should I be rebalancing encounters based on changing party composition, or should I keep the set pieces in tact and let the consequences of tentatively checking out locations be felt? Should I be laid upon a bed of pointy d4s in 20-sided dice hell? Please be kind benevolent justices

Spencer Stevenson

To the honorable judges and the wife-worm that aspires to be as good a bailiff as Jack, May it please the court I bring to you the case of the rapid immortal wizard. I played in a campaign where magic was outlawed and any caster who was caught was sent to a prison tower to study a mysterious rift. I played as a witch hunter who joined the hunters to infiltrate their ranks and find out what happened to my magic welding brother. After discovering the tower was responsible for keeping the rift open my party and I infiltrated the tower to try and close this rift, and free the wizards. In order to do so my character found the head mage who was responsible and tried to neutralize him, we had heard rumors he was immortal and very powerful so I hid in his chambers then when he came in restrained him with a nat 20. Thinking quickly and knowing I couldn't kill him I cut off his fingers to prevent him from casting sommatically. They grew back instantly and so I spent a whole session pinning him and cutting his fingers off. Next session I wanted to actually do something interesting so I called for wizards who were on our side to stone shape around the immortal to keep him neutralized. To my surprise he appeared to battle us at the end of the session with the dm saying he grew a whole new body from one of his fingers. I was very upset in the moment but now I wonder if I was in the wrong for using my witch hunting ways to try and take away the epic climax of the arc. I humbly await judgment.

Matt Craig

To the highly esteemed and odorless judges, the Pine-Sol ™️ Cherry Blossom edition Bailiff, and the oh-so-stinky other "judge", I present to you the case of.....brotherly love?? This was in a newish campaign that I was playing, and this one player, we will call him Jake, had asked if he can invite his older brother, we will call him Amir, to the campaign. The DM agreed and everything was okay at first. As our characters arrive at a tavern, Jake, an elven Bard asked to perform entertainment in exchange for a place to sleep for the night. After the dance, Amir's character started flirting with Jake's character. The first comment Amir made "you danced beautifully m'lady" was odd but didnt pay any mind. Judges....the next HOUR was us sitting around while these two REAL LIFE brothers began flirting with each other in an entirely overly sexualized fashion to the point of describing how they kissed. Nobody else at the table was RPing anymore, it was just Jake and Amir flirting. The DM eventually "faded to black" their encounter and we called the session there. The brothers were never invited back to the table but its still brought up to this day and the lack of justice from this has prevented us from moving on.

TingleToppleToff

To the supreme crit justices Muphy, Caldwell, Jak II for the PS2 released October 14, 2003, and bailiff Axford: Ran a star wars game for 2 players online. One player decided to go out to drink with his friends over appearing for our scheduled session. Taking him in stride (Justice Murphy, we are no longer friends, breathe easy), the single player and I ran a solo-adventure. We dubbed it, afterwards, Live 20 Die 1, in honor of the worst Die Hard movie and my players inability to not Crit. For better or for worse. He entered a Nexu (space panther bear garbage disposal) enclosure at a wealthy dilettante's home. The nexu had tried to escape and destroyed the security personnel. The player found the Nexu, a mother, passing. He rescued her child. Earned himself a pet, by escaping, rolling 1s and 20s in alternation non-stop. It was a truly epic adventure. The other player, at the next session, was furious. *He* wanted a solo adventure, too. Why did the other player get a pet?? That was unfair. Open and shut case, vindicate me by punishing him thoroughly. Good luck with a generous read.

bekahbooks

To the Most Radiant High Priests/ Justices Murphy the Just, Tanner the Wise, Hurwitz the middling, and our Divine Shield, Bailiff Emily Axeford—Keeper of Chaos and Vibes, I, Franky D. Golem—Warforged Juggernaut and Eldritch Knight of questionable memory—submit this humble confession to the Church of dice Christ. In a recent session, deep in a festering swamp thick with poison gas, venomous creatures, and my DM’s lovingly-prepared environmental hazards, I boldly declared myself immune to poison gas. In truth, I am only resistant. My error was due to the quick nature of the events happening and confusing the immunity warforged have to disease and the resistance to poison and the fact that warforged do not need to breathe. Regardless my error rendered the entire toxic biome moot, allowing me to tromp through the mire like a smug, steel-plated god. The party cheered. The DM died a little inside. I seek penance for derailing the encounter and ask for guidance on whether Franky’s ignorance was player error… or simply part of his programming. With heavy plating and heavier guilt, Franky D. Golem (And his remorseful creator)

Aaron V

To whom it may concern and the eloquent Bailiff Axeford, I bring to you the case of the backstory backpacker. I recently finished a three year long campaign set in the Princes of the Apocalypse campaign that I made into my own story. I had each PC creat a backstory within the world and workshopped how they would be fitting into the world while simultaneously incorporating a story arc for each of their backstories and creat a group world building experience. One of my players never gave me their backstory and said “we will figure it out when we get there”. Trusting them we moved forward and played it by ear. Fast forward to another players arc said player with no story wanted to interject themselves into the already planned history of this other player claiming to be a lost cousin or family friend. After the player denied this wanting his own spotlight the rejected PC did this with each and every other player trying to wedge themselves into their backstory. I tried working with him to creat one after the first failure but he just said “no I’ll figure it out.” Come to end our years long campaign and him complain that no one helped him do anything to write one when it was offered so many times. Were the others and I wrong in denying him entry into their backstories? Should I have done more to help or was his laziness and disappointment self inflicted?

WesKane

The case of sticky fingers To the now tainted judges and the wonderful but demoted bailiff. I have a case of a sticky fingered warlock and a nark bard. In a campaign i was playing as a warlock who thought he was a bard, during one of our sessions we were investigating a manor that people were dissappearing in. It turned out to be a mansion of vampire but before any of our characters truly new these were bad people my warlock was snagging nice items while they were exploring the mansion. (I had snagged things by myself so none of my party new of my goodies). After the vampire fight we met up with the captain of the guard. One of the first things the bard says is that my warlock had looted the mansion and that was unethical. The dm as the captain did not care and was more focused on that they were vampire. Taking my goods to the trader i got a decent amount of gold which i then split evenly to the party including the bard. To be fair the bard seemed immensely guilty because she thought i was gonna keep all the gold for myself. It all ended very well with everyrone getting dope weapons and armor but i ask you lowly judges and wise bailiff, was my warlock still in the wrong for looting before confirming evil intent from the owners?

Cam The Spooky Frog Man, William Schitz Cousin

Dearest Supremest Crit and the Lovely Frog Bucket Hat Wearing Bailiff Emily Snaxford I present the case of The Big Boom. I played in an online campaign a year ago where the party was going though a time tower. The tower itself was 5 stories and each new floor we'd get a level. I played a Level 3 gunslinger level 2 wizard and we had just reached the boss battle, a giant time dragon. At some point during the beginning of the battle my party members made i plan I had not heard, they had planned to place 5 barrels of gunpowder in front of the dragon. And so they did Now naturally as a gunslinger I see a barrel of explosive gunpowder and I need to shoot it. So I did. None of the party members got hurt but it did severe damage to the dragon. This turned into me getting razzed for the rest of the battle and am still getting razzed to this day Judges am I being wrongfully razzed or was I justified in my hasty shooting of a giant barrel of explosives. I prostrate myself in front of the court and ask for the fairest of judgement

Dean

To the jubilant justices and the borderline insane bailiff, I bring you the case of the uninterested player I am a relatively new dm, but I have ran multiple one-shots and a campaign for my friends. A year ago, my friends asked to play in a campaign and I agreed. I built a world for them and changed it around to suit what kind of character lore they desired and ran them through Wild Beyond the Witchlight. However, every session we played was a bit rough since one of the players, the most vocal about playing and my best friend, seemed entirely uninterested in what was actually going on. He would go on his phone and zone out, then ask what was going on and if the npc the party was talking to was hot or not. At one point he took it into his own hands and started showing off "hot" pictures of Iggwilv/Tasha mid-session. As his character he would refuse to participate in the activities in the feywild and when combat did occur he said he "didn't like it" and would ask to skip his turn. Worst part is, at the end of every session he would say he "enjoyed it and had fun" while not even participating. I prostrate myself before the court and humbly inquire, what can I do to make sessions more enjoyable for both me and my friends? Am I dming wrong? He seems to be having fun but it's hard when beats of silence go by when asking him a question and he has no idea what's even happening. It feels unfair to the other players who have to do everything and waste time convincing him to do some things.

Whistler

Greetings to the luscious, fat-bottomed judges and the wilted, shriveled bailiff who is nonetheless giving it her all - I give you the case of the hot god milk. Picture me, a humble GM, trapping my party of adventurers in a demon-infested cave temple, where my poor players were at constant risk of contracting a homebrew illness I'd created called Demonrot. The only thing in this dungeon immune to the demonrot was a little slumbering flower god named Iji, whose sacred white lotus flowers still grew deep inside the temple. My resident cleric, who operates a soup kitchen, immediately asked to pluck these flowers and make a soup out of them, in the hopes of curing the illness. With the help of her fellow players, she rolled an outrageous number (nearly 30) and dubbed the results "hot god milk". I wanted to reward this incredible roll, so I stated that this hot god milk would indeed cure Demonrot, although it would quickly curdle and lose its potency. I thought this a fair ruling, but judges, my players shall not let me hear the end of it. They immediately hatched plans to make their elixir last longer by turning it into, quote, "hot god cheese", or even, perish the thought, "a hot god sandwich" or "cold god ice cream". I insisted that their concoction could better be described as hot flower juice, and thus could NOT be made into cheese, what the hell are you talking about; to which they responded that it's magic, how do YOU know it wouldn't make cheese, it's a cleric concoction that operates on the power of belief, etc etc. I shut down their pleading, but to this day, they insist that hot god cheese is still out there, ready to be discovered. I hope that the Judges of the Crit can help me reach a final culinary conclusion.

Tugsalot

To the Altruistic court for letting that one guy be a justice again when you really didn't have to, and to the philanthropic Bailiff for letting said guy take her justice high chair, I present the case of Rule of Cool Obstruction by Means of Previously Unknown Lore. I'm playing a new character in my campaign, a wizard/cleric multiclass, who has a fascination with storms as part of his backstory. As such, I've tried to base almost all of his combat related spells around things you'd find in storms. I have fallen in love with the spell storm sphere, and have been discussing with my DM the creation of new spells that work from and require storm sphere to be up and active; examples being strong winds or hail falling in the area of storm sphere. My dm was super on board with this and was offering suggestions to make these spells more balanced. I planned to try to develop these spells in game by studying storms out in the field and seeing the things they did and incorporate that into my magic. So, like the good little wizard that I am, I began my studies in the library. Here lies my slight, justices. It was here that I was appalled to find out that thunderstorms are incredibly rare occurrences in our world we play in, making my chances of study an incredibly difficult and arduous process. I am conveniently lucky that one will be coming in the next few days where we currently are, but it will likely be in game MONTHS before another thunderstorm comes to the world, much less in an area I might be near. Justices, is my dm in the wrong for not telling me about the scarcity of storms when I told him out of game how I planned to develop these spells in game? Am I being a whiney entitled spell boy who needs to trust his dms process? I leave judgement and punishment to the ultimate interpreters of the law, the High Crit.

Andrew Whitford

Dear Supreme Crit Justices and Bailey, I bring to you the case of the polymorph punt. A few years ago, I was in a game where my party was facing off against two frost giants. Our bard cast polymorph on one, turning it into a rat, so that we could focus fire on the other. Once that frost giant was slain, all that was left was this little rat, who had started nipping at the spellcasters that were keeping their distance from the melee. My character was a sorcerer who certainly would not want to be near the giant when it turned back, so when my turn came I did what anyone would do in this situation - I narrate myself punting the rat back towards the melee characters. Instead of the rat soaring away from me, my DM narrates that the rat immediately turned back into a giant as soon as I touched it, and the giant plops down right in front of me. I argued that to kill the rat I would need to have pushed it enough to break its bones, causing it to start flying away prior to it turning back into a giant. My dm wouldn’t budge and kept his giant right next to me. Ultimately I fucked off with misty step and we easily won the battle but I ask you, was my cool move nerfed or was the DM right to keep the giant right where he was? I humbly await your judgement.

Andi

Dearest Crit Justices and Crit Justice adjacents, I bring you today the case of The Fountain Crit. After being encouraged by our DM to "think outside the box" for completing his encounters & then being ambushed by someone we thought was an ally, I became suspicious of anything on the board that could potentially be hiding more foes or contain a dangerous substance. During this ambush, we were in a garden with a fountain in the middle, so on my turn, I shot at it and crit. My party was in an uproar that I'd "wasted" a crit on a benign fountain, but I'd already announced my intention to hit, and admitted I needed to investigate next time before just attacking.* So, the next time there was a pool of mysterious substance, I investigated and crit on my investigation, just to find out that it was also a non-threat. Once again, my party was in an uproar that I didn't use that crit to attack, despite declaring at the start of the round it was for an investigation. Since then, any time there is a fountain or statue on the board, they make jokes about keeping my character away from it so I don't attack. So, Justices et al, I ask, are my fellow players justified in their continued razzing, or am I correct to keep investigating those weird little spaces my DM could be hiding sneaky traps? Your infallible guidance is ever appreciated, Andi *this encounter was early in the campaign & the majority of the table were 1st time players, so they might not have known at the time to not switch targets just because you crit

Charlotte Gill

Good day, Justices Murray, jammer, Hurtbitz and bailiff Emily. I bring you the case of the new dm and the inventory jumping deck of many things. Last year I started Dm for the first time. This was also my first time playing. Most of the player at the table were experienced. In few months into the campaign the players encountered the Baba Yaga in and stole her tarot deck (DoMT). The bard took the deck and put in her inventory. A few sessions later and some large in game changes ( one of succumbing to their lycanthropy and running away and the paladin meeting someone from his past) he had a session which the bard could not attend. The party met a slightly annoying npc and some chaos ensued. One of the players. In character pulled out the deck and offered it to the npc (and claimed he wanted to kill him and was losing interest of the chaos of the session) 6 card pulls later we ended the session not sure what really had happened. When the bard returned the following session and learned of the antics she was the one in possession of the deck and they shouldn’t have been able to pull from it. The campaign ended not long after as I moved away. I asked you. Should I have remembered who was in possession of the cards or is that up to my players and what could I have done to prevent this from happening. I humbly await you judgement and will take whatever punishment comes my way.

captainGeneral

To the high justices, lowly bailiff, and the common jurors of the two crew, I beg for your opinions on a simple spell quandry. I attempted to cast purify food and drink on a glass of water with sediment in it. My dm ruled that the water was clean but the rocks remained, as only the water was purified. I think this is silly because presumably casting this spell should make things safe to drink, and the amount rocks was specified by the dm not to be. None of my arguments for this were heard, and my character went thirsty. Please help my party with it's quest for drinking water. Thank you for your time and unequivocally fair ruling.

Westheimer

May it please the honorable justices and the majestic worm bailiff. I submit the case of the Hometown Hulk out. In a seafaring campaign with four players, we found ourselves investigating a corruption in the hometown of one of the player characters, Sorcerer. While investigating the office of an absent city official displaying signs of corruption, the cleric left to rendezvous with a local, and the monk and artificer start looking in drawers. We voted for following this thread and investigating the official, the sorcerer the only one not completely sold. The sorcerer got angry with the party for searching the office for clues, and was very verbally against it in and out of character as the other two were finding evidence of weird shit to be examined. It got to the point of the sorcerer casting harmful spells on the other party members to get them to stop, and destroying the office in the process. It really killed the vibe for the session and tensions were high for the next few sessions, with motivation to follow the DMs hooks deflating with the Sorcerer intervening. We've since left the area, and if we have a 3/4 vote to do something with the Sorcerer against the party, then it's a deluge of complaining and unhelpful comments from the player. Should we, the rest of the party allow the sorcerer to get their way, or should the sorcerer deal with it, or excuse themselves from the scene if they don't like it? -Cleric

Blinkdog-182

To the Judges who have brought me more laughs than I could ever count and the incredibly creative and empathetic D&D player the wife worm herself bailiff Emily. I bring to you the case of the Caldwell to my Murph trying to be the enemy's conscience. Through the combination of the great old one telepathy and the actor feat my players have decided that it would be the same DC from the actors feat to convince someone that they are having thoughts implanted by the party. I let them know that this could work for some lower intelligence creatures but convincing someone that you are their thoughts is a very different thing than convincing them you are their neighbor. Can you weigh in on how you would rule that issue? I’m worried that despite my warnings they are going to try to use it as a get out of jail free card against the very intelligent devils they are heading towards. PS I never feel more seen than when Murph gets ganged up on for having a good/right opinion. Love you all

The one they call Barlo

Evidence A This is not a first offense. I ran Icewind Dale for 3 years and on multiple occasions this player seemed to pick the most optimal route through many dungeons, asking to look for traps or secret doors in rooms that had them and never without them. There had even been several occasion when discussing the game IRL they let slip how much they are looking forward to certain chapters or areas I was yet to reveal as a DM. This did not really bother me too much, I just took the challenge to throw out the sourcebook and rewrite most of the last two chapters myself and I am a better DM for it. However, I feel compelled to add this evidence in case Justice Murphy is in an uncharacteristically good mood.

Jake Shurley

To the Ever Competent Supreme Crit Justices Murphy and Colwell, the lovely Bailiff Axeford and the Ever Beloved Baliff Jake Hurwitz who I will defend the honor of in the parking lot of a Waffle House (I am not biased I swear), I bring to you only one simple question, Who Killed Mett the Automaton, the Character or the DM? A few years ago in a homebrew campaign, whilst hiking through the wilderness of a frozen tundra, we came upon the aftermath of a dragon attack on a caravan. Searching through, we found the lone survivor, an automaton who just then “awoke” for the first time. He was really friendly; real golden retriever energy, so we named him Mett and brought him along. Night time came, so we dug a hole for us to sleep in, and Mett offered to take night watch alone since we didn’t need to sleep. We all turned in early except for one character, our Warlock/Barbarian named Veltin. Veltin had been a very introspective quest because of the nature of his pact with an Ancient Ice Dragon. Veltin and Mett spoke with each other for a bit before Veltin retired for the night after leaving Mett with one last question. “What is Justice?” We all woke and thought everything was alright. Justice Jake Hurwitz!!! All was not alright. We awoke to the scrawlings of a madman on the snow walls and a crazed Mett muttering to himself about Justice. We all tried to calm him down until the DM stated “Mett’s eyes go dim and he drops to the ground motionless” After a quick moral dilemma, we shoved his corpse into our bag of holding and moved along with the adventure. After the session, I joked around with the DM about “How he killed Mett” which, to my surprise, he was confused about. He told me that He did not kill Mett, but Veltin did since he asked a question without one correct answer. I countered that he was the DM, he controlled the world and NPCs and could dictate who lives and dies, and he chose to kill Mett, which meant he the DM was the killer of Mett. The DM doubled down and said that Veltin was the one who killed Mett since he was the one who asked the question that caused his death. We agreed to disagree and even though we still jokingly argue about it from time to time, the DM, Veltin’s player, and I still play together to this day. So Justice Jake Hurwitz and others present, I ask you to settle this argument once and for all. Who killed Mett the Automaton? Veltin or the DM?

chaos staci

Recon Lightning Rod. Greeting Bailiffs and Irreverent Justice Jake Horbits. I run a level 4 campaign for players I gathered (or rather rescued as we've had bad experiences with the previous DM) from a game I was a player in. One player, a warlock, has scheduling issues so he will pop in and out of the game occasionally using a PC from one of our previous games with the other DM. We explain his absence by his Patron being a genie that teleports him away whenever he needs entertainment. This means I haven't been able to fully read his character sheet and inventory. In the prior campaign, that DM gave us overpowered items at level 2. For example, he gave my paladin a Holy Avenger but never allowed me to use it. During my campaign, an assassin was running off with a plot item, and Warlock says he wants to use his Wand of Lightning (from the other DM). I said no. No one else has a rare item yet, and the potential damage would merc this important NPC and ruin a main plot hook. Warlock was unhappy with my decision and didn't return, but I wouldn't have let him have the item if I'd had the chance to see his inventory. The other players are on my side and curious about the assassin. Am I a bad DM for not allowing this player, who is more like a tourist of the campaign, use a rare item I didn't give him? Even if his PC had found it in another adventure? Should I have let this tourist player destroy a plot hook for the sake of cool and fun? I await your judgement, Jake.

GurberBurger

To my beloved Crits and bailiff. I write you not to tell tale of exploitative exploits or imagination run amok. I am not writing you to seek settle of a slight between players or quell the crusade of a mad paladin or vengeful god. I write you to hail the everlasting and truest love I have for my players. Half a decade my players and I have ridiculed, lambasted, chaffed, critiqued, and guffawed at one another and I have cherished every moment of it. Upon each fortnight we tell the most wonderful stories of characters and worlds, and we laugh deep from our bellies. I love my players and my players love me and we will continue to build our world together, hand in hand. We will continue to tell the tales of slain thugs, soldiers and guards; of stolen corpses and swarming rats and flies; of misguided murder of politicians, protectors and folk heroes; of shouting matches, bullying and scheming between and against fellow players. Thank you, my beloved Crits and Bailiff. I would apologize for taking your valued time to witness me pour love for my players, but I cannot feel sorry for the love that fills my heart. Humbly yours, Gabey Baby

Justin Torrisi

Honorable Justices and Bailiff Worm Wife, Please take off your judges’ robes, dawn your religious garments, and take me to church… During lockdown, I DMed a game for my then fiancé and my brother. Being a first time DM with limited resources I decided to steal the Moonstone Arc of campaign 1 for what I thought would be a one shot. With my soon-to-be wife playing Moonshine and my brother playing Hardwon, I allowed myself to play Beverly as an NPC. After rescuing the Green Teens, my brother decided to kill Denny. Ok, a little over the top, but understood. It was in Ezry, they discovered that murder was the easiest way clear obstacles. Stunkbug? Betrayed and murdered once he got them into Duddle’s lab. Duddle murdered for his tech. PawPaw sacrificed while being used as a distraction. I made them fugitives and they barely escaped Ezry. I broke Bev’s legs to move the story along and then I had Bev stay at his parent’s house and introduced a new NPC… Galad. Hardwon and Moonshine are now the top generals in Thiala’s army having murdered Galad when they found out he killed Hardwon’s parents. They have conquered Galaderon, Ezry and Moonstone with plans to claim the world in the name of The Light. Beverly died defending the Church of Pelor. The campaign fizzled out when my wife and I married and moved across country. My brother is visiting us next month and asked if we could play DND. He has since listened to all of Naddpod and asked me if there is a “metaverse” in the world of Bahumia… I know what he wants. I am chained by my duty as DM and the rule of fun to give them the story they want to play. I am currently working on battle mechanics for their siege on Iron Deep. I am also piecing together an arc for them to discover to travel between the metaverse. They are coming, Justices. Please forgive my misdeeds, past, present, and sadly, future. Godspeed. Best, Thiala (yes, I now play her as an NPC)

Conor O'Donnell

May it please the Most Honorable Justices that guard the realm from the evils and that kickass Baliff, like why was there ever another baliff?? I bring you the case of the Weaponizing Backstory. A couple years ago, my friends and I were playing in a game dm’d by another of our friends. I had worked with the DM to create a custom race of Ice Elves The story was that my ancestor 1000 years ago was traveling on an Airship and when it blew up from a malfunction my ancestor made a deal with the Devil of Ice, Levistus to save him. The devil then cursed my family with ice cold skin and when someone turned 100 they would turn into a statue. Later in the campaign my character, whose goal was to reverse the curse on his family, traveled back in time 1000 years and i made a narrative choice to find my ancestors instead of learning info about our BBEG. When i found them and warned them not to travel on that airship, I rolled a NAT 20 to convince them. I watched them leave via carraige to the south of the country. When we returned to present time my DM said that the curse was still there because they decided after i left to not believe me and travel north and then board an airship in the next town. I argued with my dm that this doesnt make any sense and he told me that that was the story and if i didnt like it that i could leave. Was my dm in the wrong to use my backstory against me or was i in the wrong for trying to correct my family’s curse?

Angie the asshole

hello high court cuties and the radiant bailiff emily (big fan but you know that i pay to listen to yall.) I come to you with a potential court case. For the last two years my friend group and I have attempted to run a campaign with us going so far as for half the group to create characters and me the dmto buy us the books and dice. Unfortunately life has beaten all our asses and we have never been able to carve out a large enough chunk of time to get everyone’s character ready and a story set up. Now we have just graduated college and only have a month left before we all get scattered to begin adult life. To make life easier I bought a module to run so i didn’t need to prep and created characters that i believe everyone would want to play based on what they told me before and potential storylines i know they are interested in based on there shows, movies books ect. (I am the most experienced with dnd and a big part of the reason some were hesitant was because they didn’t know where to begin my friends are indecisive as hell but hey that’s life) Now the potential case, do I invite my friends to a going away party at my apartment making sure to carve out a few hours and spring a one shot on them. Obviously if they don’t want to we wouldn’t but am I crazy for planing this thank you again big fans but you knew that.

Erica B

Most Beautiful Buxom Bailiff, I present the case of the Unheard Command. My players were lying in wait to ambush a caravan. They needed a little time to figure out which wagon held the MacGuffin, so they'd blocked the road with a boulder. When the caravan leader got out to investigate, the Paladin pointed to him and said, "Grovel," casting the Command spell. I asked if the target creature needed to be able to hear the command word for the spell to work, but the players confirmed that the new 5.5 description says nothing about this. I rolled the save in front of the board and the NPC succeeded. I then narrated the caravan leader walking back to talk to another NPC in a different wagon. My logic was that he'd still felt the spell on him, resisted it, and now knew something was up. But while this was happening, the other players asked the Paladin if the caravan leader would know a spell had been cast on him, to which the Paladin's player confidently responded, "No." It was at this point that the second NPC made a successful Perception check and promptly dropped a Fireball on their asses. The Paladin clearly felt bad about losing the party's surprise advantage and argued that the caravan leader wouldn't have known a spell had been cast on him. I pointed out that if the NPC had failed his save, he would have known something had caused him to fall prone, and so they would still have lost their surprise. The Paladin responded that it was rainy and muddy, so the NPC might have just thought he slipped. Oh wise Bailiff (and Justices too I guess), was I wrong to rule that an NPC would know that a Command spell had been cast on them, even if they didn't hear it?

Elliot Triplett

To the effervescent and magnanimous supreme crit justices, and anyone else I’m supposed to acknowledge I bring you the case of the stolen spell slots. My party and I were playing in a homebrew world where we were Vikings shipwrecked on ancient Ireland trying to get home. Our dm had us play Gestalt (where we took a level in two classes at once, got all the abilities from each class, but only one class’ hp). My best friend, new to the game, was playing a cleric/paladin and asked how many spell slots he should get. I though he should get all the cleric spell slots and all the paladin spell slots for his level, but our dm ruled that he should just get as many spell slots as a cleric of his level would get. Because we’re reasonable people who respect our dm we didn’t argue, and went on to have an awesome campaign, but I remain curious as to what the noble justices of the crit would have done. Does giving the cleric/paladin only half the spell slots prevent them from having all the abilities of other characters, or would that many spell slots break the game? P. S. Since this is a request for advice and precedent rather than a true case, I ask if you sentence anyone, you sentence me for daring to bring this to your attention

Lungless

To the Jocoserious Judges and Beloved Bailiff, and Jake Hurwitz, I bring the case of the character who lies down. My players were rescuing some pirates from the noose, when things took a downward turn. Their wizard was front and center in the mix, freeing prisoners, but got sniped and went down in the open courtyard. The monk and ranger were busy punching and shooting. The Hexblade Warlock, however, chose to lie down in a corner of the courtyard, in a fish market under a large tent, and cast armor of agathys on himself. While the monk and ranger, under heavy fire, fought their way toward the wizard who was taking death saves, the warlock (who had medium armor and martial weapon proficiency) continued to shoot the nearest guard with eldritch blast, before declaring he was using half his movement to stand up, and then hid amongst a crowd of old women. Judges, this is not the first time this player has lied down. In my previous campaign, while defending their hometown from bloodthirsty cowboy mercenaries, this player's character (an assassin rogue with a high initiative/high damage quickdraw build) lay down inside a fortified hotel, only to sit up and lay waste to my roughriders through the gaps in the boarded up windows. Judges, is it my fault for providing such good places to recline and take advantage of the rules as written (doesnt say you can't lie down)? Or should this player's characters put themselves out more? I humbly await your decision. (P.s. we are all best friends since forever and having a blast)

Hannah

Dear Court of Cuties and Jake (welcome to naddpod, super excited you're guesting this week) I write to you a case of betrayal and confusion. First, I must say that my DM is most likely listening to this, so... hello Hunter. My D&D group found ourselves in quite the predicament the other day. Our intrepid heroes were stuck in an arcane lab in the astral plane, with a collection of artifacts, a mysterious orb (seemingly holding an NPC ally prisoner), and half a dozen mindflayers. We are a party of 3 level 11 characters, so while this was a a little spooky, it was entirely feasible. HOWEVER! We were absolutely sucking. My low INT monk kept failing intelligence saves and getting stunned (DM kept saying it was payback for stunning and womping his BBEG) and the other two players kept failing DEX saves and getting grappled by the mindflayers' nasty tenticles and getting their minds slurped. In a rare moment of not being stunned, my astral monk ran towards to orb and punched it a bunch, hoping to free the level 20 wizard NPC, an ally throughout our 3-year campaign. He emerged from his prison naked and angry. He was glad that we freed him and was happy to see us, but his rage at his imprisonment obviously outweighed his affection for us as he cast a 9th level shower of meteors on the entire room. Needless to say, we all died. Our DM was quite pleased with himself and when questioned about what he had done, he said "the wizard was upset." Luckily, the wizard revivified us all after our unfortunate and unpredictable demise. However, I can't help but feel miffed. We had only been in combat for 4 rounds (2 of which I had been stunned), and all of the cool arcane artifacts around the room were reduced to ash. Justices and Guest Jake, am I wrong for being miffed? Or was this a super janky move?

Magus Kunari, only knows fireball and jaegerbomb

To the honorable judges, the worm bailiff Lady Axeford, and that one guy who's afraid of cake. I bring to you the case of the Main Character Appointment. I am in a campaign with 4 other people, playing a session that's 3/3 (1 day every 3 weeks playing, 1 Day every 3 weeks not playing). Recently me and another player (my cousin) have begun to notice the blatant favoritism towards one of the other players. This player has gotten a special item, an entire side story that ties into the main story, and several other perks that put them an edge above others such as an eldritch deity speaking in their mind. Did I mention that they're playing a fighter? (Silence Murphy). Not to mention this dm has made a player fail a roll because they seemed to feel it would better the story saying "I call DM bullshit." And nearly cost our character's lives with the danger they weren't prepared for. Me and my cousin worked hard on our characters, building them to have open ties for the story if the DM wills it. (He's playing a feral tabaxi warlock and I'm playing a dragon ranger eladrin who's accent changes with their season). Judges, am I and my dear kin wrong to be feeling like this? Or should we hope that our dm has stuff planned for us down the road? I await your wisdom and your divine judgement. (Except for Jake's)

Dee-Jai Cowles

To the ethereal and immortal justices and the best of us bailiff Axford. I bring the case of the harsh consequences. In college I was in a campaign of 10 players. This was the first time playing for most of us. Our DM was a champion and handled our large group well. During a climactic fight where a monk, of the DM’s making, was rendering a lot of our melee damage dealers useless our ranger was distracted on their phone. When it came to their turn it took a lot of name repeating to get them to pay attention and when they finally looked up they said “I just shoot an arrow”. When prompted with “at who?” They replied “I just do”. On their attack roll they hit a nat 1. Our DM described the arrow hitting and damaging our wizard. The party was outraged and immediately turned on the ranger and used their turns to down them. We finished the battle victorious but with most of our party dead and it ended up being our last session. A side note this was 3.5 and I’ve heard there are consequences for poor rolls. But justices: I bringing to you. Was our dm justified in punishing our ranger for their disinterest or should he be brought to justice many years after the fact? I await your verdict

Sean Q

To the honorable Judges of the Supreme Crit, and the ever noble Baliff that I slipped 20 bucks as a bribe: I bring to you the case of The Boy Who Cried ‘Unfair.’ For the past few years, I’ve been DMing a Fairy Tale based campaign with my partner and close friends. It started off as a few sessions, but everyone enjoyed it so much that it’s become a nearly 50 session high level campaign. It’s the best campaign I’ve ever run, with an eclectic party of Little Red, Puss in Boots, Hans the Hedgehog, Jack of the Beanstalk, and The Boy Who Cried Wolf. Me and Boy’s player have been close friends for years, and have been playing DnD together for almost as long. However, as we have gotten into higher levels, I’ve noticed that he can trivialize a lot of combat which makes it difficult to balance. Boy is a rouge/shepherd Druid, so sneak attack mixed with hoardes of summoned snakes that have 40hp makes it hard to create balanced encounters. So… I’ve started directly targeting him in combat more than other players. High level enemies using AOE spells to try and hit more of his summons, or strong targets targeting him directly to make him break concentration. This all came to a head in our most recent combat, where they were fighting a campaign long villain. Judges… through a mix of breaking concentration on haste (which causes the target to lose their next turn) and rounds spent in death saves, Boy was basically inept for 5+ rounds of combat. He brought this up to me, saying that it upset him that he was being targeted so much, but I rebutted that because he’s such a strategic player with a strong character, enemies in the campaign would logically think to prioritize him as a target, and I as a DM needed to account for encounter-ending shenanigans. But still, I feel bad knowing that he’s felt stressed by this targeting, but also know that if I don’t put pressure on him, he’ll sweep through tough fights. Judges: Am I in the wrong for targeting this player, or is it fair that I have my enemies play smart and go after a big threat? (PS: Not totally relevant to the case, but Boy’s player was actually a bartender at the D20 Maddison Square Garden afterparty, and talked to Emily for a bit about our party’s Little Red.)

jordy v.

To the Judges so Critical, and the Bailiff so not Jake, this it the case of The Cleaved Arms. Years ago, I played a Tortle Tempest Cleric, who had lost his arm in a BBEG battle. While it was a badass moment, it was something I wasn’t exactly keen for, but I pushed through. Following this victory, my character spent the next (in-game) year finding the resources, spending the coin, and going through physical therapy to create and adjust to a new mechanical, steampunk-esque arm. Fast-forward to our second-to-last session of this campaign, and my party member, a Dragonborn Barbarian, was charmed by a powerful enemy during combat. The rest of the party failed to defeat the villain and his Dragontortle, and he had our Barbarian, still charmed, roll an attack on me as I kneeled there defeated. The Barbarian rolled a Nat 1, to my excitement because that was obviously a miss. Instead, however, my DM narrated that the Barbarian cleaved my other arm off with her axe. I was pretty upset that this occurred, as my Tortle had gone through so much to get a mechanical arm, only to have his other arm be cut off. I would also like to note that nobody else in the party had any body part removed from their self, and these two incidents of me getting mutilated were the most brutal moments in the entire campaign. When half-jokingly confronting the DM about this, her response was “I had nothing else for you so yeah.” I ask you, shouldn’t the Nat 1 have meant the axe would miss me? Was the DM targeting me to an unfair degree? I await your decision, and would give it two thumbs up if I didn’t lose my hands.

CJ

May it please the profoundly profane Justices Murphy, Hurwitz and Tanner and be adequately acceptable for the bailiff Emelia. I bring before you today the case of the the note-taking note taker. I'm currently DMing a 5e campaign set in an alternate 1920s New York. Last year one of my players - and titular stenographer - had to temporarily leave the campaign due to work commitments. As the self appointed treasurer it fell to their Mastermind Rogue to hand-over the party's hard earned stacks prior to going on hiatus, something that both the player and their character were reluctant to do thanks to their friends' proclivity for gambling, drinking and getting mugged in shady back-alleys. Eventually they relented, painstakingly providing an inventory down to the last nickel and dime along with a warning to the party that they would expect it back on their return. Needless to say over the following weeks the party did everything in their power to blow through the cash: no odds were too long, no scotch too expensive and no alley too uninviting. On their return the Rogue received only a couple of bucks and a light razzing regarding the paultry state of the treasury. At this point they replied - and I quote - "You really think I'd trust you chucklefucks with our entire stash?" It turns out they'd only handed-over half of what the party had earned, keeping the rest back so as to avoid just this situation. The players were in uproar, saying that their PCs would have obviously noticed the Rogue pocketing such a large sum of cash or should at least have been allowed to roll for it. The Rogue's player disagreed, simply stating that if the other players learnt how to write or do 2nd grade math they would have picked it up. I admitted that I had noticed the discrepancy but since nobody else at the table raised it, chose not to mention the difference, further angering the group. Eventually I allowed for retrospective deception and slight of hand rolls against their passive insight and perception - all of which were beaten handily with a 26 and 31 - but the party maintains even this compromise to be (and again I quote) "Utter bullshit." So, I ask you: was the note taker wrong for using out of character character flaws against our friends? Was the party right to be aggrieved at being so fiscally whomped? Or should I as DM have called for a roll and revealed the duplicity sooner? I - and my players - will take note of your decision.

Joe Howard

To the honorable Supreme Crit justices and the dreaded lowered baliff Emily, I bring to you the case of the centipede that “doesn’t take opportunity attacks”. I was playing a level 2 variant human paladin with the shield master feat, allowing me to bonus action shove enemies when I take the attack action. We were a party at three, with myself and the cleric being relatively tanky protecting our squishy warlock, who was the DM’s boyfriend if that matters. We play with a full battle map/grid and the bonus action shoves had allowed our party to, dare I say, whomp our dm with masterful positioning. The encounter in question was against a centipede like thing that was only one size larger than me, allowing me to shove it off our warlock who quickly scampered away. The stakes were all but gone, but the DM had it go for one last stab at the warlock. When I asked about an opportunity attack, he said this had an ability to negate that. We were able to survive and after the session, I asked my dm if it really had that feature and he told me no, he just wanted to take one last stab and knew it was low hp. Justices, I ask you, was it fair for my DM to ignore the rules in order to keep stakes high or was this a case of a power hungry man who was just unwilling to take the small L. For context, we were later TPK-ed in this same session and I don’t fault him at all for that. My only complaint for this night was the one described above.

Isabella

Justices, I’m living in a prison of my own making.  A year ago, I thought it would be fun to run Curse of Strahd for my brother, husband, and brother-in-law. Everybody was new to DnD, and I was very excited to share my favorite game with them. Throughout the campaign, my husband and BIL have given me nothing to work with in terms of their characters. My BIL is playing a cleric of Lathander. I try to give his character stuff to do, but his social anxiety makes it a challenge. My husband is playing a murder-hobo oath of conquest paladin who is dead set on conquering Barovia for himself. My brother is playing a half-elf wizard with an intricate backstory and a clear motivation.  Justices, here’s where the problem lies. A couple of weeks ago, my husband got upset with me for giving my brother “special treatment”. In the middle of a climactic moment for my brother’s character and his surrogate father, my husband said, “Why don’t you give us moments like this?” I was taken aback and asked what he meant. He said, “We’re in a place that doesn’t exist in Barovia to find mythic cows to make magical cheese. You never give us stuff like that. You give [your brother] everything he asks for.” I then told him that his character’s behavior is uncouth and I refuse to reward power-hungry murderers at my table. He doubled down with the “that’s what my character would do” argument. My BIL was silent for this entire kerfuffle, but my brother thought it was hilarious. Later, when we were alone, I tried to have a serious conversation with my husband about his character and why I hate the megalomaniac archetype. His character threatens, tortures, or kills anyone that doesn’t join his cause and I hate that shit. He said he should be able to play the game the way he wants to. I’ve tried so hard to tell him that DnD is not a video game and is, in fact, a collaborative storytelling game. My brother gets to do whatever he wants within reason because he’s the only one at the table who collaborates with me to build a story. Not playing is not an option. Justices, am I wrong for railroading my husband and giving my brother “special treatment”? Or are my actions just, as my husband likes to play the worst characters imaginable? I eagerly await your ruling. Also, Bailiff Emily, you look stunning today. 

Miles Studenick

Honorable Councilfolk, I seek your help and support in this case!! I run a Mad Max-ish game, my party is in a desolate red desert wasteland with access to old, cranky, rusty vehicles. (Mechanically, I use Infernal War Machines from “Descent to Avernus,” with a few homebrew tweaks to make them fit the story and setting better.) After throwing my party down a cavern into a fall which was thousands of feet, making them fight off mechanical imps and ghouls residing in said cavern, discovering a dilapidated military stronghold, and facing off with one member’s insane evil vampire brother, I made my misstep. I set up some labyrinthine tunnels for them to navigate to exit the cavern and get back to the surface. Some of these turns bore gifts and treats, others held traps and threats. Nearing the end of the tunnel, I had set for them an arguably horrible and barely salvageable vehicle. My intention in this encounter was that they would sacrifice this vehicle as a means of breaching the cavern, and they would be immediately rewarded with a much better vehicle. With a disabled trap blocking the exit, my party decided to place a brick on the gas pedal to use it as a battering ram, where it would then take off into the distance to its ultimate demise. All according to plan, and their sweet new ride was mere FEET ahead of them, just around the corner. However, I was bamboozled. My mistake was in my wording. I foolishly described their shitbox vehicle as a “Monster Truck.” As it took off to its eventual end, and prior to discovering there was in fact a MUCH better vehicle awaiting them, one of my players cast “Hold Monster” on the vehicle that was swiftly escaping them. My jaw fell slack and I put my head in my hands. On paper these vehicles are NOT creatures, they’re categorized as exactly what they are, vehicles. The wording of “Hold Monster” is “choose a CREATURE you can see within range.” Yet, here I was with a party who could clearly see I had been ‘had’ and reveled in it. Ultimately, I allowed them to cast it and paralyze the runaway car, in spite of the fact that the vehicle’s condition immunities include paralysis. I made the caster roll an arcana check AND had the vehicle roll with advantage against the WIS save, as the spell was never made for this. My player wildly succeeded and I rolled a 3 and a 4. Egg on my face, the rowdy crew in front of me now had TWO vehicles on their hands. They were kind enough to dismantle the smaller one and present the salvageable scrap as a gift to the native toadfolk, alleviating a HUGE headache for me. Presenting the evidence before you, I humbly ask, did I make the right call? Was I well and truly ‘had’ by my players? Or should I have denied them? I am grateful for your benevolence and guidance in this matter and excitedly await your ruling. All the best, Miles

Andrew Howe

May it please the Great Almighty Court and Emilia I think, I bring you the case of the Really Fast Raven. My friends and I run a D&D table with a rotating DM to ensure everyone has a chance to play and to create their own world. While about half of us are experienced DMs, the other half have used this format to test out their DMing skills for the first time. This case comes from one of these first time DMs. My friend was DMing her first ever session in a post-apocalyptic setting, in which all of the PCs were level 14. The tone was quite dark, and as the party began to come together, one of my fellow PCs saw an omen. His brother, who had betrayed his flying kingdom and plunged it to the earth appeared before him in the shape of a giant raven, taunting him, before flying away. I, as a Druid, quickly asked to turn into a Giant Eagle and give chase. However, when I asked how fast the bird was, my DM paused for a moment and responded “…he’s really fast.” I asked how fast, as the giant eagle had a speed of 80 feet and I had expeditious retreat on myself. She again responded “he’s really fast.” I let the issue drop, however we still razz her for this phrase to this day. Justices, was I right to follow this foul fowl, or was my DM within her right to claim this bird was simply “really fast?”

Quack Dragon

To the honorable justices Murphy and Tanner and the wonderful worm bailiff Emily, as well as that other guy that just lost the game. I present the case of “Strahd v. His Own Portrait” I’m playing a 9th level wild magic sorcerer who is Strahd in a weakened state and missing his memories after being almost killed by Vecna. My party and I having just killed Baba Lysaga were searching through her hut when we came across a portrait of Strahd. I rolled history and remembered when I had the portrait commissioned and completed, I wanted it so began to take it off the wall. I was killed instantly and my magic items were vaporized as I was hit by what I think was a modified version of disintegrate. I asked if I could counter spell it my DM said yes, I rolled a 19. He then had me roll 2 Dex saves (DC 27) to save myself and the magic items I initially succeeded in saving myself but not my magic items until I remember that I had advantage bc of my Robe of the Arch Magi, I rolled again and succeeded on both rolls. My DM then had me roll again and if I succeeded it would only save my Staff of Power, I passed. My friend brought up later that my counter spell should have negated all of that and I think that if I had remembered the portrait that I would have remembered putting a spell into it, also my DM is a bit of stickler for the rules so it’s surprising that they’d modify disintegrate to destroy magic items as well. So justices was I fairly womped or do I deserve my magic items back.

NobodyWrites

May it please the crit and the worm wife in equal measure i bring the case of stolen rhythm. I ran a very long campaign for my closest friends, wife and brother. I stole from my brother. He was playing a thri-kreen reflavored to be a hecules beetle and wished to play a homebrew class, Pugalist. I accepted but quickly came to regret this. He was to good. Ive never seen a class tear apart monsters like he was. I asked him how he was doing this and he just told me "its all about my rhythm". Rhythm is a resource for pugalists like ki points but by spending one turn doing nothing they can regain all points. It was maddening. So quarter way through the campaign I began modifying his class. My first victim, his rhythm. He accepted begrudgingly and eventually we reworked his character to be a monk. The theft still haunts me. Was I in the right to rework a class I accepted or should have I let him tear me and my monsters to shreds with his titanic rhythm. I await your judgment and your punishment.

Eric Callahan

May it please the okay justices and the incredibly talented bailiff. Please rule on the murder of Benoto the Vampirate. Our group is playing a spelljammer campaign, and they ran across a derelict spaceship with spooky happenings on board. In this ship there was a stranded Vampirate named Benoto. The players very quickly decided that he was up to no good, a literal vampire-pirate, and probably at fault for the terrible things on the ship. The reality was that Benoto was meant to be a goofy NPC that wanted to join their crew. They killed Benoto in cold blood. The key issue in this case that needs ruling upon, is that as the DM I forgot to do a silly Italian pirate accent for Benoto, and all of his verbal defense for why he was there ended up sounding very suspicious. Justices, is it my fault as the DM for not giving him a silly little accent to indicate he was a friend, or were my players too hasty in judging a Benoto for being a Vampirate.

Kingzley Sparkman

CONFESSION: To the esteem apostles of the most high rolled, Queen Worm, and that one guy who is a motorcycle now I think? (Biker Mice from Mars), I bring you the confession of the unprepared birthday stats. It was a Tuesday afternoon, and as I was procrastinating at work I decided to text the group chat " D&D Saturday?". To my surprise the chat immediately started blowing up, with emojis and gifs to be seen everywhere. One thing was clear, this Saturday, we were playing some D&D. Cut to Saturday, 4 hours before my party members were to show up at my house. I'm staring at a blank piece of paper, a blank map, and a blank encounter tracker. I have not prepped a single thing for the session except for the story beats and milestones. I decided to throw on one of the best podcasts ever, specifically a Dungeon Court episode, for a little motivation. It was a very birthday heavy episode which reminded me, it was one of my players birthdays today! Now I had a choice; spend the time I have prepping for this 5-Hour session, or make preparations to celebrate Borius the Wise's birthday. My dear clerics of crit, I chose the latter. I got a cake, I made food, I even texted the group chat to remind them it was the player's birthday. This lead to them bringing snacks, drinks and gifts for Borius. Even though I did not fudge a single roll during that session, I did fudge every single stat of every single NPC they encountered. I just went with my gut for whatever felt right. Adding between +7 and +13 to attacks and rolling twice the damage dice of whatever my players did previously for damage. Somehow Dice Chris was still handing out nat 20s to my players and shit rolls for me ultimately leading to my womping. I don't really feel sorry for what I did, I honestly don't even know if this is technically a sin in the dice church. It was kinda stressful though but luckily my players suspected nothing. So like.. am I good? P.S. everyone had an amazing time. Borius was a very happy 25 year old.

Alexander Robbins

To the Magnificent and Magnanimous clerics of Dice Christ, I bring before you my case for forgiveness. My players were a mere level 5 when this happened. I was a new DM, a mere 3-4 sessions under my belt. I presented them with a combat encounter and had several (3-4) baddies for them to fight that were weak, and two higher bosses. One of my PCs is a rogue/barbarian, a Sorcer, and a Ranger. Being new, I didn’t balance things properly and very easily could have had a TPK. On the fly, I quickly changed the amount of attacks, the damage done (less than what I rolled), and let them do an intimidation check after the bugbear rogue cut the sidekicks head off and took a bite out of it. The head chop and intimidate never would have happened had I not changed the health and attacks to make it easier. Being new, I don’t have regrets about not killing my players, but should I be punished for not honoring the damage and attack rolls, or am I given forgiveness for the atrocities of not honoring Dice Christ?

Sammy

To the Esteemed Justices and the Saucy Bailiff Emily (or if it's that other guy, 'sup) I come to you with the case of the Inept Wingman DM. My friend Riley asked me to DM a one-shot campaign with some of her friends, including our mutual friend, Ingrid. Riley wanted to use this one-shot as a way to play matchmaker for Ingrid and one of her friends, Karl (Ingrid did know of these matchmaker intentions and was fully on board). I'm a relatively new DM, so I ran a pre-made one-shot, and it was a lot of fun! The players all said they had fun and I enjoyed DMing. Here's my case: this was designed to set up Ingrid and Karl, but that effort utterly failed. The adventure was sort of puzzle-based and there wasn't a lot of time for the characters to interact with each other--therefore little time for Ingrid and Karl to get to know each other. It didn't help that Karl is a very quiet dude and didn't speak much unless directly asked to in character. I did let Ingrid's character shine in the final boss battle by putting the boss in the perfect position for her monk to flurry of blows it to death, but other than that, I feel like I let my friend down as a DM wingman. Should I have done more to throw Ingrid and Karl's characters together, or did I do enough by DMing the adventure and trusting Ingrid to work her magic herself?

Ubiquity

Dear eminent and paramount justices and the bailiff… damn uhh… this is awkward *nervous laugh* i’m usually good with names… anyways, I present the case of the Sedated Spec-Ops. I DM a heavily homebrewed world, so homebrew that I overhauled the entire magic system but that has surprisingly gone really well and is not the reason i write in today. Today I ask you justices if I have gone too hard on a player. In our world the PC’s are playing through a prologue where they have to escape the underground city they are from to get to a surface level apocalyptic wasteland. In the first session they met an escort that tasked them with collecting a sum of $4000 to be escorted out of the city. One of my PC’s is Burp; Burp is a hulking, special operations military officer monk with a 17 STR, 16 DEX, 14 CON, 6 INT, 14 WIS, and 7 CHA. During another session Burp surprised me by deciding to go beat up and kill pimps and taking there money instead of going the bank or robbing a dice game as we had planned. I allowed this through a small combat encounter and continued on the game. The next session after being frightened by another PC’s dad Burp jumped out of the other PC’s apartment window, I asked them “if they were sure??” and after a luck roll and a clutch casting of Blade Ward they landed in a dumpster without dying. I then had them roll a stealth check where they got a 9. The next morning I narrated them being found by gang members associated with the pimps and survivors from the pimp altercation, they used a horse tranquilizer to sedate and kidnap him. I set a CON save at a high 18 in order to keep the session moving and not have a combat encounter ensue they rolled a 17. I narrated them falling asleep. They later argued that this felt like railroading. I then proceeded to tell them that if they had tried to persuade the other PC’s family to let them stay for the night or went to back the military base that they would’ve been fine. We continued on with the session as planned, he was robbed but as intended he easily got most of his stuff back. However, I still wonder if i went in too hard just to get through our 3-4 session prologue. I humbly throw myself at the mercy of the court unless that’s only for confessions in which case i don’t. PS. Btw in case this matters the campaign is loosely inspired by the movie Tank Girl, so the underground city they are in is like normal modern day late 80’s/ early 90’s America so all the characters are “human”.

Dale Mitchell

To the honorable court and the one and only true bailiff, Emily: I bring to you the case of "Should I stay or Should I go now?" Judges, I have been playing for 2-3 years in an online Curse of Strahd campaign, which we are fast approaching the end of. The problem arises when the player themselves has an issue with the rules, who a monster attacks, or if someone doesn't want to follow up on their plan because they want to do something else with their turn. They've caused multiple heated arguments over pretty much nothing, most of which have been when they've argued about rules (which ended up throwing off the mood of the table for a while but usually we recovered the mood through cheesy one liners and jokes). Only recently, they've repeatedly snipped at me for simple things like, not lowering my initiative or not letting them take me and drop me directly on an enemy because i had my own plans in mind. Whenever this happens, I try my best to say no thanks, or just ignore the comments altogether, but it never fails to kill the vibe and I don't want to put up with this weird passive aggressive behavior they seem to constantly have. The DM is friends with this person, and in private I've talked to them about their friend. The DM then responded to that they've seen the problematic behavior too and acknowledged my concerns, but ultimately nothing has come of it. I've also expressed wanting to leave if we're not done with this campaign soon, to which the dm expressed they also want to be done and over with this campaign. Judges, should I leave, or should I try and finish this campaign?

Brock Wright

May it please the court, the ineffable justices, and the most worthy bailiff. I present the case of Druid v. Party, a bitter dispute over cover, conduct, and compassion. I play in a text-based Discord campaign as a Circle of Stars Tiefling druid, styled after Herne the Hunter—majestic antlers and all. Recently, our party received a vision in a church, directing us to a mysterious presence in the tunnels below. There, chained in the tunnels, we found a creature—a drag’khar. While initially feared to be a child-eating horror, the DM described it as small, wounded, and pitiful. It spoke with a childlike voice. I rolled Insight—twice over 20—and sensed no malice. My druid pleaded: give me 1 minute to cast Augury, to consult the stars and divine whether sparing it would bring weal or woe. The party refused. Swords came out. So I did what any good, antlered druid would—I threw myself in front of the creature, shielding it with my body. Immediately, two players objected—not in character, but out of character—arguing there’s no RAW provision for "body-blocking" a creature. I countered that as a Medium creature shielding a Small, I could reasonably grant some degree of cover (per PHB cover rules). They insisted this was "rule-breaking" and "unfair", and no provision existed in the rules for it. The DM compromised: I’d grant the creature cover for one round. Alas, one of the two player’s who opposed my actions immediately cast spiritual weapon above the creature’s head (neatly bypassing the cover) and killed it with one blow, my druid was devastated. I submit to the Court: Was I out of line for trying to add a cinematic moment of roleplay—even if it bent the rules slightly—for a dramatic, moral beat? Or were my fellow players wrong to shut it down before the DM could even consider the drama? I seek a ruling, and perhaps—just perhaps—some justice for the drag’khar. Respectfully submitted, A heartbroken stargazer.

picsofish

To Her Benevolence the High Bailiff Emily 🦭, I come bearing a confession to present to the Lowly 2-Preme Crit Justices Muzzy, Jort, and CowAfterFeverDay. 🌜 I recently began DMing a campaign online for a trio I had never played with. We started off very strong until one player encountered a major scheduling issue. Rather than work things out, they opted to disappear and block everyone. ⚖️ As sad as it was, it opened up a space for my IRL friend to join, and I must confess that I am feeling guilty for how truly grateful I am. 🧀 He has been my player and GM before, but hadn't played in a while and was nervous. In Session 0.5 we jumped into roleplay almost instantly, and the group chemistry was on fire. 🐀 We've been playing weekly, and it's been so much fun. All 3 players are connecting really well both in and out of game, and we can play longer sessions overall. Our last session was one of the most chaotic and fun sessions I have ever DMed. 🔥 2preme Crit Justices, will my soul be cast into the Nine Hells for abandoning my guilt and leaning into the newfound beauty and chaos that has come from this sad departure and blessed arrival? I await any judgement or blessing you may provide 💖 All my love, Benji [P.S. - Thank you Caldwell for naming my Mantis Shrimp NPC 🦐! Congrats Jake on Skaldova 🦣! Emily, may you always find strange + beautiful things in your path 🍄. Murph, your views on cool rocks and tiny jars are archaic and misguided but as a person you're alright I guess 🦃.]

E.E. Gads

Most beloved bishops of Bahumia and Beyond. I prostrate myself before the Church today seeking guidance, for I believe I may be cursed. I recently moved to Los Angeles from Maine and started up my first ever DnD campaign with some friends I met in improv class (Shoutout UCB!). Upon our first meeting for session 0 at a local game and tea shop, I decided to buy my very first set of dice! I embellished a little bit and bought a very nice set for around $80. Dear priests... My first roll with the d20 was a Nat 1. Even worse than that tho, when I got home and decided to roll all the dice at once (just for fun) the d12 fell from the countertop about 2 or 3 feet to the floor and shattered completely. I ask of you, what should I do to dispel this curse? Must these fragile dice be retired already, mere hours after purchasing them for a hefty sum? I humbly await your absolution, thank you. Note: they are not glass dice, I found out only after calling to see if I could replace it (I couldn't) that they are some kind of crystal material.

Bb Woggle

Good day to the honorable judges of this court, fearless bailiff Axford and, oh wait come on I remember his name... Yes! Jonk, you're there too I guess. If it may please the court I bring a case of future PC pre-meditated murder. I'm currently DMing my first campaign and we are using Never Stop Blowing Up. Most of my players are new and I chose the system because of lighter mechanics and heavier focus on collaborative storytelling. It's a crime story that takes place in a world aesthetically much like that of Naruto. The campaign has been great so far but one of my newer players early on leaned into their character being an arson hobo, going so far as to burn down a police compound when the impulse hit at the end of one of our sessions. Taking this as an opportunity I have built a lot of story around this aspect of the character as they are a pretty big mystery relative to the rest of the party. I've been giving them flashbacks and laying hints throughout the world to explain their firey desires. However, part of that is I have already written their death. I've ensured the scenario has weight and emotional impact when it happens but after effectively starting a gang war unprompted, the arsonist PC needs to be dealt with. The issue is I believe my player is finally starting to realize the weight of what they are doing well after the fact and has begun to get gun shy with arson and generally gotten self conscious about playing their character this way anymore. Honorable judges of the high Crit I humbly ask for your counsel, am I right to kill my PC in this way or should I pull back out of respect to my player? I humbly await your wisdom and ruling. PS for some important context the PC in question is the soul of the police chief's sister trapped in the body of a cat that can inhabit other creatures. I have come up with a solution for the PK but I am effectively killing a ghost

elizabeth

To the beautiful, magnanimous justices and bailiff, may it please the court. I was playing in a campaign with a group of friends about a year ago. Around six or seven sessions in, the DM said, "I don't really like running combat, so this is going to be a more roleplay focused campaign from here on out if that's okay with all of you." Three of the five PCs were happy about this, as they prefer the roleplay part of the game; myself (a ranger) and one of my other friends (a fighter) were a little disappointed. I was fine to go along because I was a beast master ranger and my animal companion (a hawk named Barley) gave me plenty roleplay opportunities. My other friend, however, was a champion fighter. She asked if she could switch classes to something with more options for roleplay, since her entire character/all subclass abilities were built around combat, but the DM said no. The DM justified this by saying that we had already played enough sessions that it would be weird to change it when her champion subclass abilities had already come up multiple times. The campaign disbanded a few months later (no other combat encounters were run) due to other issues*, but I still feel my friend was wronged and should've been allowed to switch classes to something that had more utility outside of combat once the DM decided to make the campaign more roleplay heavy. Was the DM justified in telling my friend to stay a champion fighter despite not running combat, or am I correct in thinking this was a weird move that just served to decrease my friend's enjoyment of the remainder of the campaign? *In case the court is interested in the drama, two of the PCs who were dating in real life had also made their characters romance each other in a way that was (kudos to our DM) very interwoven with the plot of the campaign. They broke up, didn't want to keep playing romance, and the campaign kind of fell apart around that.

Hannah M

To the Jubilant Justices and Beloved Bailiff, may I present the case of the Wizzing Wizard: I am currently in a campaign with 4 level 3 players and a relatively new DM. Last session, we were approaching the tower of a NPC who had the quest item we needed. We did not know if he was friendly and we had never approached this tower, so we did checks to look for traps and an entrance to the tower. After comically low rolls as a group, we didn't perceive anything and our wizard character goofed around and said he wanted to pee on the lawn of the tower. We as players knew there would be a consequence, but wanted to allow player agency to make their own mistakes (a la Bev and the vomit berry). In response, 7 fire elementals were summoned and began attacking. In the first round, the wizard and barbarian were downed. By luck, the artificer had a winged familiar summoned that day and sent it to the top of the tower asking for a cease fire via a recorded message. The plea was successful, we did not TPK, and the quest continued. I ask you, was this a fair response or an overreaction to the goof? For background, this was the 4th combat in a row with non-corporeal opponents. We don't have magical weapons to effectively fight them. Even if this response is justified, there is certainly growing frustration due to these encounters

BullywugNugTug

Dear esteemed bailiff Axford, along with justices ryan, cobble and that other one who should know his place. Today I bring you the case of Professor Honk and the Goose-Hating Paladin! My 7 player table, including me, began a campaign with all of us having varying experience with 5e. One of our new players was super excited their character, a Goliath Oath of Vengeance Paladin. When asked about their backstory, they simply said, “I hate geese. I am waging a war against geese. I want all geese dead.” This was inconsequential, since our campaign had ACTUALLY NOTHING to do with geese. For the first couple sessions, this player seemed kind of checked out since they didn’t have many opportunities for indulging in senseless goose murder. This was until our party had to remove a glyph of warding from an ancient tome. Our path led us to a person named Professor Honk, who worked in a back alley selling magical services for a low price. When we arrived, who did we see before us but a meek, Awakened-but-failed business-goose, scrounging copper to try and make a living. Our Paladin was overjoyed! Immediately, the player exclaimed, “I draw my axe and charge!” Guys, this was our only lead for hours to get this glyph off, I didn’t know what else to do! My character, a bard, cast Calm Emotions on the Paladin, who failed their save, and was unable to go after this sad, pathetic bird. Needless to say, the Paladin was floored, and did very little speaking for the rest of the session. To make matters worse, the rest of the table was almost equally bummed that they didn’t get to see this goose, a valuable asset to our quest might I add, obliterated by a party member. So I have to ask the 2 esteemed justices before me: Was I the asshole for “taking away an RP opportunity”? I humbly await your answer.

RecsBecs

To the Honorable Justices Murphy, Tanner, and ... Humphrey?? And the D&D Queen, Master of the Multiclass, Oracle of the Optimized Combat Axford. I don't have a case. I just wanted to compliment Emily.

Fuzzboxx

Hello my Honorable Judges and the cromulent Bailiff Emily Today, I present the case of the deadbeat Dad My cousin joined my already running campaign and his character's goal was to rescue his kidnapped 6 year old son. In real life he is an incredible father. This gave me idea of making the boy vital to the main plot of the campaign, meant to travel with them once rescued. He however never brought up his missing son to the rest of the party. After about 6 months and 25 sessions it finally got brought up. Everyone in the party was obviously shocked that he never mentioned it. He said there were more pressing things to do -- There were not. After ANOTHER REAL LIFE 6 months they finally rescued the son. My cousin's first reaction was to get rid of the kid immediately, he wanted to put him in an orphanage, a school for magic, even a brothel?? The party was obviously shocked by his behavior. Am I wrong for having made the 6 year old boy a major part of the campaign expecting my cousin to be all for it or should I have waited to find out what kind of relationship with the boy my cousin wanted to have?

Romy Seidel

To the honorable Supreme Crit Justices, May I present the case of the conflicted lover: My party's barbarian went through a breakup with his long-term girlfriend (not a player but a friend) a couple of months ago. Now recently, my party's bard started dating this very girl and is unsure of when and how to inform the barbarian of the news (we have a session coming up in 2 days). The breakup was relatively amicable but remains a touchy subject for the barbarian. What I am seeking to hear from the honorable Justices is when the best point for him to deliver these news would be. I worry that telling him before the session would sour the mood and I feel that he deserves some time to brood over this. At the same time I feel strongly that keeping it from him would not be fair either. Additionally, I would like to request a ruling for the two players involved regarding the future of the campaign in case the barbarian decides he no longer wants to continue playing with the bard in the party. I patiently await your fair judgement.

Sam Ross

To the honorable justices of the Crit, and the vastly improved Baliff, I bring the case of the missing opposable thumbs. In a Never Stop Blowing Up adventure I am running, a player trapped in the body of a dog was attempting to disarm a nuke by blasting the controls with Nitroglycerin Heart Pills. I said sure, this would be Tech Difficulty of 6. The player was happy with this, and prepared to roll. However, I stopped him, and said that because the pills were in a childproof container and he was a dog, I needed a Stunts check of 8 to open the pill bottle first. The player was not happy with this, and was annoyed that opening a bottle would be harder than disabling a bomb. I reasoned that pill bottles were specifically designed to be hard for kids and animals to open, whereas a control panel wasn't designed to be explosion proof. The player failed the Stunts check, leading to the nuke going off and the PC getting lightly injured. Judges, was I wrong? Is it easier for a dog to open a pill bottle than to disarm an explosive? (PS - If it matters, the dog is a Blue Heeler Australian Cattle Dog)

Jake

If it would please this court of cuties, I present the case of the Traumatizing Pixie Cut. Many years ago, I was DM'ing a campaign in which the players were all middle schoolers from our world who through a twist of fate gain magical powers and must fend off an invasion of magical creatures at their summer camp. Fun, campy, light, PG, classic, lovely…. Over a couple sessions, the PC's noticed that some of the much younger kids would show up to camp events with a few, or several, more baby teeth missing than was tooootally normal. After investigating, they discovered that a rogue Tooth Fairy (using the Pixie stat sheet) had been striking bargains with the kids in exchange for extra teeth. Tracking this Pixie to the outskirts of camp, they caught her in the act of extracting three teeth from a willing but frightened kindergartner. The PC's jumped out of the underbrush with one PC swinging their greatsword at the Pixie (which has exactly 1 hp). I described how with one fell swoop, the PC completely bisected the Pixie, its gossamer wings fluttering in the air as its body thumped to the ground. In character, the PCs described how their characters all dealt with the horrific trauma of murdering a mostly-innocent fairy while the party's druid was sobbing and trying to, quote, "put her back together." Judges, did I go too far? They'd previously used non-lethal damage before, but in this instance did not ask for it. Was it implied? Should I have asked before narrating the morbid end of a childhood myth? I totally lost our campaigns as-til-then PG rating and forced a rather disturbing coming-of-age experience on my party. The players rolled it all into their character's development, but the PCs, the kindergartener, and the campaign were never the same again.

Andrew E

Dear esteemed and revered judges, and Judge Jank, and of course the most highly regarded of bailiffs, I come to defend myself in the case of the Balnor Buddy Disintegration. In a long term campaign with some friends, one of my players had drawn from the Deck of Many Things, and he drew the knight, getting himself a personal knight just like Balnor, except he was more useful most of the time. The player character and his knight became best buds and were practically attached at the hip, and the knight became an integrated character in the party. Late in the campaign, before an online session where I had a boss fight against a military general and a powerful sorcerer planned, my players, for some reason, decided to harass the music bot in our discord channel. I repeatedly told them to shut the hell up so we could start the game, and they didn’t listen. Eventually I told them if they didn’t stop I was making them fight a dragon. They did not stop. We began the session eventually, and the fight started as planned. A couple rounds in, though, I introduced a young white dragon to the fight. My players were at first very upset, but then they came up with a brilliant plan to manage the now three-way battle. In the fray, the party’s bed buddy knight and the dragon unintentionally flanked the evil sorcerer in a cramped alleyway. I decided that a competent evil sorcerer would use twin spell and cast disintegration on both the knight and the dragon. Out of sight of all PCs, at the end of an alleyway, the knight was reduced to a pile of dust. The dragon survived, and then finished off the sorcerer. The party then destroyed the dragon and the general, and found their friend as a dust pile. My players (lightheartedly) give me a lot of shit about introducing a dragon and getting their best friend dusted. I think they deserved a dragon. Oh shining judges and Cake, who is in the wrong, and what vile punishment do they deserve? Another dragon, perhaps?

Cheyenne

To the wife worm and the justices who grovel before her, may I present the case if the bad birthday bud. I serve as the forever DM for our little group. One if the guys, let's call him M, had a birthday coming up and wanted to DM. He set up a one shot, we had cake, and I got to play! Yay! Another player, let's call him B, spent most of the session questioning rulings and making *interesting* claims about his character abilities. I was usually looked to and every time gave the response, "The DM makes the decision here." Cut to the meat of the case before us. Two PC, one baddie, and the sentinel feat. If the baddie moves, players one and two get attacks of opportunity... but what if player one has sentinel. That stops the baddie moving, so does player two get an opportunity attack still? I don't remember now how our birthday DM ruled it, only that B was heavily displeased. I'm curious, wife worm (and I guess the judges can decide too), if the sentinel feat stops everyone taking an opportunity attack? Or if the baddie should get hit several times? Or if it even matters, and the DM rules in cases like this and everyone else can stop whining

Seaweed

To the Judges Murph the Mercurial, Caldwell the Quick... Jake, and to the Archbailiff Axford, I present a case of equine intervention; Picture the scene, adventurers trekking their way through dense jungle, on a journey to unravel the mystery of why they all washed up on an island, and to find a gem they'd been asked to acquire for passage back to the mainland. We came across a combat, a dwarven mining crew, clear cutting the jungle to plant charges, and a group of Treants, defending the jungle, who we decided to side with, only lightly traumatising our pacifist cleric when she set off a chain reaction of the dwarves' hand grenades. The Treants decided to finish off any survivors, but we, not being monsters, untethered their ponies so they wouldn't immediately fall prey to something. Eventually successful, discovering a prophecy and picking up a newly formed demigod on the way, we found that when we got back to town, there were wanted posters of all of us, for the disruption of mining and murder. Investigating this, we found out that not only had the ponies made it way back to their camp through dinosaur filled jungle, they'd been questioned by someone who just so happened to be an adventurer with speak to animal, and grassed us up so well they made full sketches on posters three days later. The kicker, this was used to remove our leverage negotiating our way off island, and completely negate the abilities of our dedicated negotiator. The defendant, our GM of 6, stands accused of rail roading, and unreasonable levels of horse snitchery, does the court concur, or are we overreacting to our surprise witnesses?

Rainbow Cake

To the Infallible Judges and the Valiant Bailiff, I bring to you the case of the talkative players. I am a player in an in person campaign with 9 players and 1 amazing DM. She's prepared, armed to the teeth with beautiful minis that she paints, has maps, throws in roleplay moments for each of us, and is all around the kind of DM people dream of. Judges, the issue lies with several players at our table. There's a lot of side talk. I don't mean getting distracted by the random NPCs we encounter or how mechanics work--during our last session a player was (at a regular volume) teaching another how to cross stitch. Things like this happen every time we play. I've experienced this by running a few one-shots with them. Several players will talk about other things during scenes they're not interested in, talking over players and DM. I've almost treated them the way I treat a group of rambunctious 8 year olds I teach before stopping because it would come off as condescending. The absolute worst part is this: Every single player in this game is between the ages of 28-37. There is no excuse of youth, of not knowing how to interact in group settings. Judges, my question is this: how do I call out these players without throwing our 2 year campaign into chaos? How do I stage a table-wide intervention without becoming the BBEG?

Dylan C

To the Most Honorable Justices the infallible Bailiff...... and jake I have been playing dnd with the same group for about four years. Our usual set up is three players and a DMPC to help balance the party. One of our players was really new to dnd when we started so we tried to go out of our way to cater to them. We let them drive the party choices most of the time, we regularly bent rules that were too complicated for them, and we had to institute a no pc death policy since they found the idea of their character dying really upsetting. This special treatment has persisted to this day. Recently we finished a campaign, and that player asked if he could try DMing a one shot before our usual DM started a new campaign. We agreed, and he told us all to roll level 7 characters. As soon as we started playing it became clear that our Interim DM had not prepared. We were supposed to spend five nights in a haunted hotel, fighting the monsters. Instead we were subjected to a long, incoherent, and confusing shopping episode in the town around the hotel. This happened multiple times and stretched the “one shot” into six sessions. When we tried to go back to the hotel at night to fight the monsters, we were not allowed to fight them. They instead made idle threats but ran away and vanished once the party tried to fight them. And we got the feeling that the Interim DM didn’t have any stat blocks prepped. We tried to be patient since this was the first time he was DMing, but then came the final fight. Despite telling us to roll level 7 characters, he had us fight: a bone devil, two nagas, four skeletons, and four ghasts all at the same time. He kept targeting my Paladin because I was the only one with healing abilities. He never attacked his own DMPC, claiming that he “forgot he could do that”. The fight resulted in a TPK where only his DMPC survived, and the DM was both smug and gleeful about killing all of our characters. Judges, I know that DMing is difficult, but was this unreasonable? He literally cackled when our characters went down. I humbly await your verdict. [Emily, please wait until the moment you think it’s funniest to reveal this] PS: Our Interim DM is my 10 year old nephew.

Jelly

To the distinguished sweeties: I play at my DM’s house, and they have a belgian malinois “guard dog”. It is not well trained. One of my fellow players brings their two medium sized dogs to each session, riling up the DM’s dog and causing it to bark and be extra aggressive. The player with the two dogs hasn’t gotten the memo to not bring them every session, despite the DM hinting at them being unwelcome. Last session as I was arriving the DM’s dog bit me and left a bruise. They were very sorry but I don’t really want to play in that setting anymore. The problem is… the dm is the one with the huge dnd setup, custom table, lights, etc. Am I wrong for thinking this dog thing is a big deal? Should the fellow PC get the hint we don’t need extra dogs during the session?

Cactus

To the wonderful and gorgeous judges, and the fabulous bailiff, I bring to you The Cum Conundrum. I play a Paladin of Sharess in my long running DnD game. Recently, one of my fellow players took to the stage in real life and in said stage play, a man eats a desert so good he essentially cums himself to death. As a Paladin of the horniest goddess, I was struck with inspiration! What if I could put the mort, in la petite mort? I have also recently multi-classed into Bard and as such proposed this: When using the spell ‘Starry Wisp’ if the damaged caused by the spell was a killing blow, the person…or fey, fiend, aboration elemental etc. would earn their carnal release in death. My DM has so far said no and that ‘I hadn’t earned it’ but I argue that I am just a humble servant being denied the chance to spread Sharess’ love to all. Judges, am I wrong for wanting to grant the world their pleasure, or should I be shunned to the carnal corner?

Lord Zoltan

May it suit the “court” and please the best and only bailiff, Emily. I bring forth the case of Heat Metal vs. Damage Absorption Shield My family is doing a run through of the Golden Vault module with my mom as the DM. We had a mission to stop a baddie that had taken over a town with drones. While in combat with the automaton baddie, our bard (played by my partner) cast Heat Metal on the baddy’s arm since she couldn’t really doff her own body part. The baddy failed her Con save and had disadvantage on her attacks. When it came around to my partner’s turn, they tried to reactivate Heat Metal to keep the disadvantage. My mom said that since the damage absorbing shield the baddy had regenerated was up (which we had been told about already), the disadvantage would not occur because she herself wasn’t taking the damage. My partner argued that Heat Metal had been cast on her body, thus taking away from her personal HP, not the shield, and she would still have the effects of the spell active. Also, not nullifying the spell given that the shield wasn’t technically made of metal. Eventually, they settled on the damage being dealt to the shield up to its HP then the possible overflow being applied to the baddy, but no disadvantage until the baddy took actual fire damage. This settlement was fine to me but put a damper on the game for the rest of the night. Not sure why it was such a big deal since my little halfling monk was the one getting attacked and the damage was still dealt. I figured I’d ask the spell master and her minions for their point of view. PS. They don’t know they are being put on trial but they listen to the show. Feel free to dish out whatever punishment you see fit. Love y’all so much!

Max Littman

Dear benevolent judges, and the wonderful bailiff: I bring to you the case of the prematurely extinguished pyromancer. I started playing in my friend’s pathfinder campaign as a rogue with latent psionic abilities. I had always planned (with the DM’s knowledge and permission) to multiclass into a kineticist, essentially a pyromancer. Once we leveled up, I took a level in kineticist only for the DM to tell me I can’t use any new abilities until a certain part of the story. I continued playing and waited patiently to access my latent powers for THREE MORE SESSIONS, each several months apart, only for the campaign to end abruptly due to scheduling conflicts. I was so excited for my character to advance his narrative but never got the chance. Judges, was I wronged?

Theo Pinehill

To the beacons of truth who are the justices, and the whimsically ephemeral bailiff: I present the case of goblin personhood. I am at a table where all the players are first timers and the DM is a seasoned player but it’s his first time running a game. At the end of our first dungeon crawl where we demolished a great number of goblins, we stumbled across their sleeping area where we found 3 baby goblins cowering in a corner. Our Druid prevented one of our other members from killing them on sight, and my halfling bard with an orphaned backstory was determined to find a better situation to leave them in, so we devised a way to bring them with us in a barrel. This seemed to catch our DM off guard, I think he expected a different solution for his moral dilemma. The debate comes in when we made rolls for taking care of these sweet babies, the DM having us make animal handling checks. In my mind, goblins have language and are considered humanoid therefore should it not be persuasion checks? Full disclosure, as a bard my persuasion is obviously much better than animal handling. We wound up losing the goblins in a bandit attack (rip Huey, Dewey, and Louis) but the debate of goblin personhood still arises with no resolution in sight. Wise justices what say you, are Goblins people? P.S. this debate is all good fun and we respect the DMs decision in his world. We’re all having a blast!

Ilana Galpert

Elementary Schoolers V. Basic Ethics May it please the court and mildly baffle the bailiff, I DM for kids at an afterschool program grades 2-4. Right now, the kids are in the underworld. The year was going to end in a battle bots combat and while they enjoyed designing the robots, only 2 out of 9 kids were interested in the quest. So, in an effort to stall, I gave them all a session of downtime. Three kids asked to rob people. I said sure. One of them failed and decided to kill the person (just some random guy.) One was successful and absconded. The last one was successful but decided to kill the man anyway (he was a store owner selling red and blue yarn that was his only crime.) The two kids who murdered innocent civilians were taken to fire prison by fire elementals. I'm sure they can break out, but the last 2 sessions of the campaign have been completely derailed. Judges, is it my fault for letting the kids carry out their nefarious deeds, or should they have not committed the ultimate sin? More importantly, should I even try to get the story back on the rails when most of them weren't interested in the robot battle storyline anyway?

Jorge Fuentes

May it please the bird justices and that wormy bailiff on duty, I bring to you the case of the multi rule book conundrum. As plainly as the title states, there was an incident during my orbital blues game where I (the DM) made a ruling on the starting gear loot table that my player (he also has a DMs book) disagreed with because he got the updated book. We had a back and forth regarding the topic and he didn’t get why he couldn’t have the high quality holo drone he rolled a natural 20 to get. I eventually caved because ultimately this is a narrative game and a holo drone done well requires a savvy check so it’s not perfect but am I wrong to think that you can’t really bring a newer version of the rules to a game not using those versions? I await your swift and beaky justice Edit: I will note that the two books have slight difference in them (a twelve gauge shotgun being called a combat in the newer, and certain loot tables extending past what I have) and in certain combat instances he would look up the stat blocks on enemies in game (I don’t use them as combat is already deadly in and of itself so I try to customize my enemies for each bounty)

Michael Allison

To the Honoured court and the Onerous bailiff: In a homebrew campaign I'm DMing, I put a lot of work into creating a rich world with intricate map, a host of gods, several arch-baddies, politics, and cosmic happenings that all secretly hint at the fact that the party is on the surface of a cell and should become obvious when they reach the underdark, which will look a lot like the inside of a human cell. I'm a microbiology grad student, so I went DEEP into making this world make sense. My good friends have leaped into this world, and most of the characters are great. One friend, though, began as Tuggston, a bard obsessed with re-growing his foreskin (and I mean OBSESSED). I let him do it, but on the first session it just happened that in meeting the viral phage baddies, he was turned into one of them and ran off. He took it great and came back next time with a new character: Angelo Kelly, a cleric who wets the bed every night and wishes to wake up to a dry bed one morning. This is literally everything he gave me. I want to encourage goofs within my lore, so I told him he worships Amigdala, the Princess of Fear, hence the nightmare and bedwetting. I hoped this would bring him a little more toward the story aspect, but every spell he casts is still peen-related. Judges, how do I steer my dear friend toward my beautiful lore and away from his crotch?

FoxyNarwhal

To the honorable Crit Justices and the wife worm bailiff that our Druid wouldn't have been able to speak to, I bring you the case of the Druid who wasn't allowed to speak with animals. Our Eladrin Druid, excited about all of the critters she'd be able to interact with, had been magically yeeted into the material plane just to run into our merry band of dunderheads. After making friends and setting out, our DM was describing the scenery, and our Druid excitedly cast Speak with Animals on themselves only to find that they were absolutely unable to communicate with creatures from the material plane... because she had never seen them before! Our DM posited that, as a result of only knowing fey creatures, she would have no point of reference in communicating with animals she had never seen before. In his campaign the fey wild is homebrewed as a plane of creative chaos, but I'm of the opinion that shouldn't make a difference as far as speak with animals is concerned especially since it's a spell and literally magic. Justices, was our Dumbfounded Druid right to walk away from the campaign after her whole main thing she was excited about - was taken away? Ps. The party agreed that was wack af and understood her not wanting to continue

Ash

If I may approach the clergy of Dice Christ at such a time, I would like to confess on behalf of a player at my table, (I am the DM), as well as share the good news that the belief in Dice Christ has grown as a result of my player's transgression. At my table, our Gnome Ranger, Melissa, was up to roll her attacks on the Satyr Revelmaster. She was reviewing her abilities, and so I answered a question in the meantime from another player at the table. Clergy, Melissa was compelled to confess to me and the table in that moment that she secretly rerolled her attack roll while I was distracted because she rolled two natural 1s in a row. In her rush to demonstrate her transgression, she proceeded to roll another natural 1. On this day, I told my table of newbie players about the power of Dice Christ, and the necessity to repent for our Dice Sins. On behalf of Melissa, please accept this confession. Praise be to Dice Christ. -Ash, the Dungeon Meistro

ZZ Digital

Greetings Supreme Crit, and Balling Baliff Emily! I submit to you a case of personal hells: My party got split up between planes in their quest to steal a gem of planeshifting from the villains. One player landed in Hell and began rescuing NPCs that the party knew from personalized tortures. The rest of the party met with the leader of the villains, who offered them a deal for the gem they wanted. The PCs immediately took the gem, and used it as the villain instructed, and were trapped in personal hells of their own. What makes this court worthy is that i explicitly told them the villain was evil. But one Player was in such a rush to get to the scene with a particular NPC, they didnt think to doubt the villain, and missed the event entirely. Later telling me that i screwed up because i didnt tell them to roll to check the villain was tricking them, and that i didn't tell her it was practically impossible to get to the scene she wanted to on time.

YourAnimeDad

To the affable and actual Crit Justices and Bailiff Schmemily I present The Case of the "No Rolls Needed For Lore DM" Now in most campaigns we roll checks to learn about the world around us. Not at this table! Instead you are bombarded with exposition dump, by breathing in the area of the NPC with ANY information, sometimes not even the helpful kind. My DM insists on giving at least 3-4 minutes of unrolled for LORE DUMPS. While talking amongst the party in our last session and me simple role-playing my character asking about our Paladins belief system we get a pseudo cut scene when our DM begins rattling off details about everything in LORE instead of letting the PC even talk. I've tried direct confrontation, I've tried talking private, I've even just straight up interrupted to ask him to stop. Judges what should we do? Should I except my fate as the seasoned PC of the group? Or should I take some other action? I yield my turn to the court

Em_Dragon

#DiceSatan To the wise bailiff Axford and her three blind mice, I bring the confession of my permanent stay in Avernus. In our Avernus campaign we are level 3 and had a near-TPK against a wizard. They threw a high level fireball at us and attempted to flee but the barbarian wasn't having it. We next had a cone of cold thrown at us, then the wizard turned invisible and tried to flee again. My ranger's high perception found him and then at disadvantage fired her longbow, beating his shield spell and scoring max damage on both D8's, breaking his invisibility and letting the Barb finish him off. While leveling up I made a horrifying realization. I had written a 3 instead of 2 for my con modifier, resulting in me having three extra hit points. When I was hit with the fireball I was three points from being knocked out, and when hit with the cone of cold I was three points from dying outright. Dice priests, its clear to me now that Dice Christ is showing me my sins in such an obvious way. I feel disgusted. Not only have I sinned against dice christ but I have corrupted my party's path; we were never supposed to win that fight, or take all of the wizards cool magic items after. I have damned not only myself but my entire party; we are walking the path of Dice Satan. I have not come to you for absolution, for I am beyond it. But please take mercy on my companions, especially Nibbles McTibbles the barbarian who did not know he was doing the devils work. I will accept my eternity in Dice Hell for all eternity, thank you.

Cory

To the steamiest judges and the frumpy but supportive bailiff: I bring you the case of the consistent maniac player. A few years ago, I ran a homebrew campaign based in the Mortal Kombat universe with some great players and their original characters (do not steal). I'm currently running a campaign with some new and old players, based in "modern day Sword Coast" with magic batteries and vehicle engines that run on spells stored in said batteries. Regardless, one player is consistently insane. Let me explain: his very first pitch to me was "Alex Murphy, a former human police officer turned Warforged--" RoboCop™. He pitched me Actual RoboCop™. Next, he pitched "Bryson Rickard Nyte, aka B. Rick Nyte" and just constantly called him Brick Knight, with bricks as his only weapons. A character with masonry tools who just made bricks during his long rests and threw them during battle. I let him play this one, because I just wanted the goddamn game to start. He didn't cause any incidents except pledging fealty to the BBEG and then getting trapped forever in hell at the end, so I think everything worked out. His first character for our new text-based campaign, which I started before getting everyone's character sheets, was "Dr. Bruce Banting, a radiation researcher who changes when--" the Incredible Hulk™. God dammit. I made a private wiki for the campaign and immediately noted "This player is how I die." Anyway, Hulk™ died without rolling death saves because he ignored that he was the only one still inside a volcanic dungeon when I rolled a fatal Lair Action from a table. Thank God. His latest character seemed just like a silly old elf wizard named Kas Par. No further details other than that he was ghostly pale, so my mind brought me to Casper the Friendly Ghost™. Nope: he messaged me months later that he's secretly an aged and amnesiac Phantom Ranger from Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers™. My case is thus: Am I in the wrong for just letting this maniac do his thing? Is he in the wrong for being so, so insane? Or is the answer some third thing? I leave my ego and my very life at your mercy.

Binky Fiasco #1 Fan

To the exalted judges, and their loyal and widely respected bailiff — I have been a member of a dnd group for over four years, spanning multiple campaigns with rotating DM's and various players cycling in and out of the table, outside of a core group of 4. Our most recent DM has been running a campaign for over two years, building on extensive lore and the world we created, with the games being hosted at his apartment. However, our DM began dating a player at our table several months ago, which was a shock to the rest of us, as we would have not suspected they would be a good couple. Over time, the DM worked with their girlfriend to revamp their character's backstory, making them the central focus of the story. As time went on, we noticed tension growing between them, with the girlfriend intentionally pushing the DM's buttons, and the DM getting visibly aggravated with their girlfriends in-game shenanigans, which included asking if their stinky farts delt poison damage to enemies. A few days after a particularly tense session which ended on a cliffhanger, with us at the precipice of finishing a long quest and about to face off against an ancient dragon, we received word that the DM and the player had broken up with a lot of drama. This schism marked the end of our dnd group, as the DM needed time away and their now ex girlfriend was the driving character of the story. Judges, am I wrong to think that the DM should have waited to break up with his girlfriend until after finishing the campaign, or at least until after resolving the cliffhanger he left us on? I humbly await your judgement.

Darvit

Dear Honorable Justices and the Refined Baliff Emily, If it pleases the court, I present the case: Haggard DM v. Army of Amply Assed Automatons I run a homebrew fantasy campaign that has a significant warforged component to the setting. While some warforged are scattered around the world, most live in a mysterious cloistered city named Volt's Requiem that flies through the sky disguised as a storm. Two of the PCs (artificer and battlemaster) are warforged covered in unknown gylphs who have had their memories wiped. I have foreshadowed that they are related to the mysterious city. At one point in the campaign as a little one session event, I told our divination wizard PC that they saw a vision of their home town in flaming ruins at sunset, destroyed by a swarm of asteroids. Unfortunately, I slurred my pronunciation of asteroids slightly, and my player's instead heard "Ass-droids". Many bits followed and we had a good laugh, but when I tried to continue, my players begged me to let them fight a swarm of ass-droids. I capitulated to my players' puppy dog eyes and declared as a special non-cannon one shot I would grant their dumb wish. The players battled my improvised battalion of big booty bots at dusk. It was epic. There was junk spraying out of trunks, a stampede of bots backing it up, and breath attacks flavoured as farts. The warforged PCs improvised the the big booty bots were their society's equivalent of the sith. The battle was brutal and the players won when the warforged battle master bested the commander bot and chopped off its ass, the source of their dark powers. Justices, it's six months later and my players are still obsessed with this big assed robot bit. Everytime I let them off the leash, the session inevitably becomes a cavlcade of cake clapping contraptions. They constantly try to imply and joke that Volt's Requim is ruled by an ass based theocracy. The warforged PCs roleplay that something deep in their programming is telling them to do ass based worship. The artificer is trying to build a temple that is essentially a strip club filled with "thotomatons" while the battle master has had their own ass gold plated and encrusted with several emeralds. I have steadfastly refused that any of this stuff is cannon, but I can't actually have a character reject it in world because Volt's Requiem is supposed to be mysterious and cloistered. At last, with my players now quickly approaching arrival in the city, I can no longer delay my decision. Am I correct in denouncing this diocese of derriere dropping droids and banning the bit once and for all? Or am I guilty of gagging their glorious golem GYATs. Ps. Please pass on my congratulations to Baliff Jake on his upcoming retirement.

Andy W.

Reasonable and respected Justices, I have a simple but important question for you: how many potatoes can a goblin carry? I was DMing an encounter for my level one players, they were to escort a cart of potatoes from town A to town B. Believe it or not a band of goblins ambushed them along the way and tried to steal some taters. During the epic battle a goblin warrior managed to down the monk while two goblin twerps carried off a large sack of murphies (potatoes). I specifically said that they had to work together to carry the sack. The party accepted it and saved their monk. However when they arrived at town B they found that they were missing 200 patatas. This lead to aggressive and violent IRL argument as in town A the party was told they would be fined a copper for every missing spud. They vehemently claimed that there is no way that many tubers could even fit in a standard issue sack. Now justices, I will be honest, I did pull the number out of my ass but I still feel that it is entirely reasonable. The logic of 100 tatoes per goblin is sound and I feel that everyone knows it but keeps arguing because I am outnumbered. I have absolutely no care about the two gold pieces but it is very important to me that my party admit I am right. Please pass your sentence.

Maddy Muntz

To the extremely talented Bailiff Axford and her gaggle of raucous judges I bring the case of the anti social artificer. I am a player in a Wild Beyond the Witchlight campaign which is incorporating a lot of homebrew and epic back stories. Our artificer has repeatedly lied to the party about their identity (originally she was a ‘cultural appropriation incarnate’ grifter dwarf but he was actually a con man gnome who dabbled in drag) and is incredibly selfish. Now going by Grunt (he/him) never buffs the party or actively helps and has now taken a level of cleric so he can charge for weddings and funerals using Ceremony. Everything about this character screams anti social edge lord which normally wouldn’t be a problem, just annoying, but as it turns out our DM has based the first large homebrew story beat around this players back story, pulling in family and affiliations from times past. This annoyance has now become a problem because out of game we have an idea of what’s going on but in game Grunt won’t tell us what is going on. We are all getting very frustrated so I ask the court, is it the DMs fault for setting up a core story point around an edge lord, the players fault for not participating in the game they signed up for, or my fault for being upset at the table and really I should just go make bird-lesque rather than play D&D. I thank you for your time and await our brutal punishments.

Noblet

To the honorable Judges Murphy and Tanner and the great Bailiff Axford, I submit the Case of the Lost Chase to the Supreme Crit. Or we’ll call it a Dice Christ Confessional if I’m found guilty. This happened several years ago in a 7-person Discord/COVID-Era campaign @ LVL 6. In a town where we were trying to gather some intel (and were also getting up to hijinx by floating the idea of unionizing the lumbermill) we gained the ire of the town guards, while the rest of the group ran away one of the team decided to stay behind and blast the guards – who being guards were taken out by one Fireball. Taking that cue, we robbed the town stables of their horses and fled. The next Session, after we stopped a while outside of town a group of 20ish guards appeared on the horizon on horseback. I stayed back with the Paladin to hold them off while the rest of the group escaped. (As a Pact of the Genie, I flew 30 ft in the air, cast Hunger of Hadar and used Repelling Blast to push them back into the AOE). This combat was a took the rest of the session and was a SLOG but we womped the 20 or so guards – they attacked me with disadvantage (I was at long range for thrown Spear attacks) and they couldn’t hit the Paladin’s high AC. By the end of the session the DM was mad and one of the players had started playing Super Smash Bros. Melee on the side. The DM later revealed to us that he was upset because he had planned a whole chase encounter, which we avoided by just killing our pursuers. So what should have happened here? Was it metagaming to know that the Guards would probably be weenies? (I also DM so I know guards are weenies, but we had also just fought some in town) Should we have just run? Also where did those horses come from? Again, if this was my fault then this was actually a confession and not a case and I would prefer not to be punished. But if it was someone else’s fault please punish them appropriately.

Trash Gremlin Dami

Oh, to the lovely and respectable judges, with their truly wonderful bailiff (either of them), I am a DM who was trying to DM for a group of 6 friends of mine. Two of them have played other ttrpgs while the rest were newbies. During a homebrew campaign that I based off the seven virtues instead of the seven sins, one of them wanted to be a drunk paladin whose wife died a while back. Originally, he was a blacksmith who had an oath of glory. However, as we played on, he didn't like how the subclass felt. I allowed him to change to a vengeance paladin due to his backstory. He also wanted to try new skills, like cooking and mining, as he had seen anime like Dungeon Meshi. I let him change his subclass once, but he still didn't like it, saying he felt too weak (even though he did a total of 75 damage at lvl 7 against a boss). He eventually said he wanted to change to an Oath breaker. What should I do, should I let him break his oath or should he keep trudging through his current subclass?

Kaitlyn S

To the lofty and unquestionable Justices, the sultry Bailiff Emily, and that other guy: I bring you a possible future DnD crime (get your milk baths ready) I’ve been in a campaign that has played weekly via Discord for over 2 years. It’s been great! We’ve been on amazing adventures and I love playing with my little group. Earlier this year, our DM got a new job that made him unable to play until he works there long enough and can get a schedule change. We all understand and support so our group is on a hiatus until he can come back. It’s been 4 months now. After playing every week for over 2 years, I am really missing my DnD time and missing hearing all my friends voices making beautiful and often silly stories together. I have been wanting to try my hand at DMing and would feel safest DMing for a group that I already know I vibe with. This is where the future crime comes in. Justices, would I be guilty of a crime if I posted in our Discord and asked everyone if they want to play with me DMing while our regular DM is unavailable? Is it totally fine to maybe usurp him temporarily? Or should I suck it up and try to find a new group to get my DnD fix? I lay myself at your mercy and milk bath future crime wisdom -Kaitlyn

Haley Lukes

To the wonderful (and sometimes lowly) judges and the illustrious Bailiff Emily, I have what is hopefully an open and shut case, however, your ruling is necessary in the case of DM vs Middle School War Crimes. I work with gremlins(I mean middle schoolers) and host after school D&D where they have the chance to learn and play with me as their DM. Here's the issue - I've had to institute a "No War Crimes" rule at my table and the children are NOT thrilled to say the least. It started with an issue last year where one of my SIXTH graders asked if he could describe his kill and I mistakenly let him. What happened next could be described as a true massacre. They were fighting twins and my student decided that his finishing blow was to chop the twins head off and then throw it at the other twin that was still alive. To top it all off he said to the twin once the head landed at their feet that "Hey, I think you're missing something." From that day forward I have had to have the table rule of no war crimes, and the explanation has only grown longer as kids come up with more ideas - they were not happy that I wouldn't let them waterboard someone for answers.... So judges - am I in the wrong for banning war crimes or should I let my gremlins have more free reign in their games with me? I humbly await your response and hope that you can finally set this straight for both them and me!

CamSmall

Greetings Judges and Bailiff, I humbly present the Case of the Unlucky TRex. In a game of Curse of Strahd that I DMed, my players were in THE Battle with Strahd at the end of the game. The druid of my party polymorphed themselves into a TRex after being knocked out of their last wildshape. The next round, they tried to attack Strahd's coffin, which we had established as having a higher than typical AC for coffins because it was Strahd's coffin. They missed their attacks. The player then asked if they could use a Luck point to reroll. I originally said no because TRexes don't have luck points. After some debating back and forth between the other players and myself, we left it to Dice Christ to see if they could. Dice Christ decided no, and combat continued. My players made it out alive, but are still bitter with me for not allowing it. I feel allowing Dice Christ to decide was more than generous. My question is this: would a character who is polymorphed have access to Luck points (or other feats) in the polymorphed form? I await your judgment, and may Dice Christ save me if I have wronged my players.

aMeanSquirrel

To the Honorable Supreme Crit Justices and the bailiff of fluctuating esteem, I present to the court, the case of the purchased party plunder. We were playing Curse of Strahd, I was playing a druid and the accused a rogue. We also had a ranger and a bard in our party. While trying to sneak into a werewolf den to rescue an NPC, our rogue decided to distract the werewolves from his sneaking by throwing a bell to alert them to the rest of the party. Needless to say things didn't go well and I had to sacrifice my druid by transforming into a wolf to lead the pursuing werewolves away from the fleeing NPC and party. Which is why, as my new character, I didn't feel I was able to intervene in the debacle that arose next. Our party had been gifted a powerful sword (before my untimely sacrifice) which the rogue had taken as he was the only character using a short sword. However, our DM was disappointed with the rogue's anti-party actions and decided that the full power of the sword could only be wielded by one displaying a good alignment (less to do with alignment mechanically and more as a prompt to curb his behaviour and get the party working together) Well instead of changing his behavior the rogue decided to sell the sword, which had been gifted to the whole party by a travelling wizard and was crucial to defeating the Dark Lord. Not to an NPC, the town was broke, he sold it to our party, and the ranger actually paid him for it! My new PC, a Barbarian, was not yet part of the party, just another guest at the inn, so I was unable to interact with this party discussion and point out the lunacy of this move. The game came to a premature end a few month later with my DM trying to race to the finale, and to this day I refuse to play with the rogue's player anymore, but I ask you Justices and... Jeff was it? Who was at fault here, the selfish rogue or the ranger that went along with his bs and bought a party item from another member of the party? I await your magnanimous and indisputable ruling

Kaitlyn S

Extra context: I joined this group from a Facebook post in a DnD group I was in so everyone was an internet stranger to me back at the beginning. I do know 3 of the 5 other players IRL since I brought them into the group when PC spots opened up. It’s been the same group of people for the last year and we all get along great

Aiden S

To the honorable judges and the girlboss bailiff Emily, I present the case of the Werewolf Emancipater. Two years ago, I recruited a group of friends to play in my DMing debut, a homebrewed campaign about a princess kidnapped by an evil cult. The party was investigating a warlock's tower when the Tiefling Rogue stumbled across a locked wooden crate in the basement. She rolled a high perception check on the crate, and I told her it was wrapped in chains and something inside was growling and thrashing, almost as if a dangerous creature was locked inside. She managed to convince another PC, the party's Wizard, to open the crate for her. The wizard rolled a high tool check to pick the locks and released a full werewolf into the room. The three rolled initiative (no other characters were in the room). The rogue was first in initiative order, and she used her full turn and bonus action to dash out of the building and hide, leaving the wizard in the basement alone with the werewolf. I felt that the werewolf would naturally attack the closest person, which was the wizard. Judges, I'm not proud of it, but I crit on him and he almost died in a single turn of combat. The wizard was able to disengage and escape on his turn, the werewolf failed its perception check to find the rogue, and I narrated that it ran off into the woods. When they joined up with the rest of the party, it was pretty clear that the entire table was pissed at the rogue. We went on to finish the session and played this campaign for six more months, and the party never trusted the rogue again. The table blamed the rogue, but the rogue blamed me, saying that I shouldn't have put a caged werewolf in the basement if I didn't want someone to open the cage. Judges, am I to blame for this rogue's antics and our wizard's near-brush with death?

Godd Rugal

To all the judges I love equally, wink at the one I obviously love the most, and the highly respected bailiff. I won’t bore you. A few years back, I was playing a homebrew game with a group of friends, but something was amiss. One of our members seemed to have the Dice Gods solely on their side. No matter what they rolled, it was always a success. If the DC was 17, they would roll an 18. If it was something unattainable like a DC 30, well, they had the perfect nat 20 for the occasion. At first, we thought nothing of it. They would fail rolls here and there but never on anything crucial. Eventually, our DM got suspicious. She decided she wanted to test the player’s luck, and we switched to digital dice—to the dismay of the rest of the party. We all had our suspicions, but nothing beat rolling actual dice, you know. After a few games, the rest of the party was stumped, as their rolls mostly resulted in the same outcomes: succeeding just enough to pass most rolls, rolling nat 20s when things weren’t stacked in their favor, and failing non-crucial rolls every once in a while. The player didn’t know why we switched over to digital dice; they were just told that our DM wanted to switch things up, as we had been playing for several years. Judges, was our DM wrong for forcing us to use digital dice when there was no "technical" reason to do so? Or were they just being a good DM and trying to figure out if a member of the party was up to no good? I respectfully await your judgment equally, wink at the judge who knows they’re my favorite.

Maximus Jiron

To the glorious justices, baby justice jork, and the effervescent bailiff, I present to you the case of the girlfriend focused dm, So during covid my friend and I really started getting into how to play dnd, obviously we could only play over discord at that time but as restrictions lessened up we started looking for our first in person game. Fast forward we find one, make characters, and are super pumped to finally play in person, that was until we went to the first session. In the game was myself, my friend, two other random players, the dm, and his girlfriend; this is where the problems started. We started at lvl 3 which is typical, however the dm’s girlfriend had not one but two lvl 5 characters with magic items and feats from another home game. At first I was not too bothered but as we started playing it was obvious the story was meant to have her as the main character with everyone else as supporting cast. Once again as a first time in person player I was not too bothered just because I wanted to play so bad, however what finally got to me is when I realized she had completely stopped rolling to do anything and was proclaiming NAT 20s and damage that were supposedly rolled before it was her turn in combat because “she knew what she was going to do on her turn.” We didn’t want to be accusatory but we noticed this kept up encounter after encounter for a few weeks, ultimately taking away all of the stakes with the game. So we brought it up to the DM and he said he lets her get away with those things because she has a lot going on personally and he is only dming to bring her some joy so we could either like it or not. We chose not to like it and my friend and I completely ghosted them and finally convinced our friends to play with us starting up our group that still plays together today. But I ask Justices, should we have given them the benefit of the doubt or were we right to leave the game and ghost them? P.S. One of the girlfriend characters was a mute, that could only telepathically talk to her other character because they had a psychic link that was formed when they were younger allowing them to take actions on each other's turns basically giving each of her characters two actions and bonus action per round.

Sonny Joon

to the beautiful bailiff and those other guys: i often reflect upon my first ever dnd campaign and if my dm dropped the ball, or if i just needed to be better. i hadn't consumed any dnd media before playing my first campaign. most i knew was memes about obnoxious and horny bards. wanting to be a problem for my dm i decided to go that route (quickly was humbled with an immediate love interest and dropped the classic 'roll to seduce' shtick quickly) but here's where the issues come. i was playing a half orc bard with like a 20 strength and 18 charisma and shit stats everywhere else. had no idea about optimization, simply playing to what would make sense for my himbo. (strong and charming) we only had the starter kit and filled out paper sheets with reading descriptions on the web to set up characters. (no beautiful dndbeyond character setups) the bard description does mention spells, but everything was so confusing, I thought the song of rest and bardic inspiration WERE my spells. i didn't cast an entire spell for the whole of the starter campaign book. i died a LOT. because of my strength i ended up being able to land some hits which helped. and eventually when we played again after i listened to dnd podcasts i reconfigured him to be a bardbarian and did cast actual spells. so i ask you. as my dm was a seasoned player and knew the game, should she have pulled me aside to ask about me not casting spells after reaching 0 for the 6th combat in a row. or as a new player should i have just spent more time trying to read the website more and ask more clarifying questions to keep from dying so goddamn much?

Lady Jacqueline P

To the the royally amazing justices and the beautiful Bailey Emily. I present to you the case of the unbalanced DM. I was playing an sorcerer in a college themed campaign with my friend who was a first-time player DM'd by another friend. Our party was chasing down a plot hook from the first-time players back story and our druid, rogue and barbarian dashed into a hotel after an NPC connected to said plot hook leaving my sorcerer the first-time players fighter and our wizard waiting in the carriage for them to give us the all clear to join them. Justices we sat in the online session for three hours waiting and never got to help with the mission because the DM pretty much forgot we were there as the other three players had all the fun and bad rolls. The druid did apologize later for running rough shod over the session but I ask you should the forgotten players have spoken up to remind the DM we were there or was it on our DM to make sure everyone got something to do during the session? I bow to your ruling and would like to add the first-time player has found a better campaign to learn with after nearly giving up on D&D. -Misty

Abigail Agnew

To these dioceses of the dice I come bearing a dice Christ confession; I killed my sister. I was dm-ing a virtual session during Covid for my twin and younger sister. My younger sister was deeply invested in the combat we were playing through, but my twin, a notoriously sleepy bitch, was nodding off. Desperate to at least finish the combat I asked my little sister how many hit points she had left after I’d hit with an attack then proceeded to say, “oh my god, that’s exactly how much I just rolled”. This was a lie. However! After downing my little sister my twin was really dialed into the session and we played for almost another hour after the combat had concluded and no PCs actually died. Please, what must I do to atone for these sins?

Dr. Eggman

I just wanted to say hi and that I hope you all have a nice day. Also I've been looking everywhere for my emerald, have you seen it?

Sawyer

To the high cardinals of the Dice Christ, I humbly relinquish myself to the fate of the church for my sins against Dice Christ. Several years ago as a sophomore when I was still relatively new to DnD I tried to host my own campaign for several other new players as well as my more experienced friends. I was running Storm kings thunder and in one session the party is supposed to meet a giant to help them on their quest and here is where my fault arises. I wanted to make the stakes higher so during combat i wanted to bring the party close to defeat before the giant saved them. During the fight balanced by the book they kicked the monsters ass, my butthole puckered so hard, so I lied about the health, I lied about rolling crits and saves, and potentially worst of all, I singled out one of my friends to try to down him. With sweat pouring down my face I figured one player down would at least up the stakes so I targeted him. Everyone could see my flustered demeanor, the mood was quickly soured because of how the fight went. Instead of a high stakes fight and interesting meeting for a plot important character I gave them a frustrating slog of a battle with a pitiful introduction. When the session ended I don't think anyone was happy with it. I still think about it, I feel guilt and throw myself to Dice Christ to punish me for lying about my rolls and overall letting the DM sweat blur my vision and commit atrocities against my friends. We played together after that and it worked out and I learned from it. we talked about it after eventually but it still haunts me. Thank you Cardinals for hearing my story

Ella

To the most highly esteemed bailiff Axford and also the justices I guess, I have a long running campaign with friends who I love dearly, but who tend to by less combat focused than I am. I love a good role-play heavy session, but I also find battle a lot of fun, while my other party members almost always will start a conversation with a potential enemy, start to feel sympathetic to them, then end up refusing to do any violence. Recently, while sneaking through a castle on an island, we overheard two guards talking about how they just ate their fellow soldier, Todd, and he was delicious. I thought this cannibalism discussion was finally my chance to have some good, morally un-complex combat, so when one of the guards went off for a bathroom break on one of those medieval parapet style toilets (the ones where your whole butt is basically sticking out the window of a tower) I announced that I was going to shoot the toilet out from under the guard, dropping him, pants around his ankles, a hundred feet to his death. Only then, about fifteen minutes later, my DM revealed these guards were actually trapped on this island by the BBEG, were slowly starving to death, and had only turned to cannibalism out of desperation. Now my fellow players won’t stop razzing me for my cruel toilet murder, while I just want to occasionally kill a cannibal without having to consider complex moral implications! Am I in the wrong here, and should have investigated further to see if the guards had a good reason for eating Todd, or do my fellow players and DM need to stop razzing me for me extremely cool and clever latrine kill.

Ziel R.

May it please the court. I bring the tale of two storm boys. I play a storm sorcerer in a campaign, and the recent story arc had us going through the plane of earth to break the primordial tempest out of its prison. Throughout the adventure it was revealed that my characters tribe was created to protect The Tempest, and I spent the weeks leading up to the jailbreak learning to harness the powers of transmute elements to awaken the seal. It came time to actually break the seal and I just. Could not roll to save my life. Forget snake eyes. This was more spider eyes. I rolled with advantage. Both ones. Used an inspiration. Another one. Bardic. A one. Guidance, a one. The party's storm herald barbarian asked to help out by using his storm aura to amp the tempest. The DM allowed it. He rolled mid and the DM waved it off saying. "It's fine. You just needed to not roll a one" Since then, he's been leaning really hard into being The Avatar of the Tempest and saying that he gets his magic from the tempest etc. The issue here is that, he's already got a backstory where he gets his powers from being the reincarnation of a Thor style demigod, but everyone else at the table, including the DM seems on board with him getting his powers from The Tempest and any link my character may have had seems to be dropped. I'm not sure what to do here. I don't want to pull the DM aside for fear that I'm reading too much into this, and if he does have something in mind for my character I don't want the big twist to be spoiled for me, but I feel like I locked myself out of my character backstory because I just could not roll above a one. orz.

LonkRonk

To the illustrious bailiff and hot-boy-summer justices, I present the case of the sassy seekers and the sad boi. I and some good friends are playing in a new, dark, system where the gods abandoned the world and took all the metal with them. Each character has starting stats that you don’t roll for or change until you level up, so my beautiful, plant/bug loving man started off only intelligent and very weak in every other skill. He’s gotten slightly better as we level up, but the problem has arisen in a couple of the players constantly questioning my choices or making fun of him. The setting is definitely dark, and I made him a bit sillier, describing him as Tarzan with Prince Charming hair, though I try to be serious as the GM changes tones. I also chose a path that two other players chose as well (I am setting him up for a very specific path down the road). His skills are limited to plants, he has no range, and is very squishy for now, but they have made a point in each session to comment on how weird he is, or why I’d didn’t take one path or another, or commenting on why my stats are the way that they are despite that being predetermined. We’ve all played 5E for years, but this is a new system to all of us. I also feel the need to add that another character of mine, a very squishy (9 con) and somewhat silly sorcerer in another game was also consistently questioned and mocked, and I was the only one at the table on the receiving end of such banter. I am also setting her up for a sick multi-class in the future and had to make some sacrifices. So justices I ask, am I wrong for not having made my characters more serious and more optimized for our group? Do I make too silly of choices? Or should I be allowed to play my handsome, funny, plant-man without backlash? I humbly await your judgement.

Matthew Sturm

To the honorable Justices and everyone’s favorite Sebulba-loving bailiff, I present the case of the invincible rats. I played a swarmkeeper ranger in a level 15 one-shot, flavored after the pied pier with rats as my swarm. The one-shot concluded with a PVP contest where we were trying to get a gift card out of an indestructible barrel. I had found the barrel and was carrying it up a rope trick under one arm. At the end of my turn, I used my swarm to give me a flying speed in order to avoid falling, describing it as the rats grabbing the rope and creating a rat chain platform. One of the other players tried to frighten everyone in the area, and after everyone had rolled their saving throws, he said, “But what about the rats?” My brother, who was DMing, and I tried to explain that the rats were just a feature of my subclass and weren’t really separate entities, so they couldn’t be frightened. After some arguing from the player, he eventually moved on and we assumed that was the end of it. On the players next turn, he tried to attack the rats in an attempt to make me fall off the rope. We once again explained that they weren’t separate creatures and couldn’t be hurt. The other players tried got upset and shouted, “So you’re saying the rats are gods!” After a lot of laughing from everyone else at the table, we eventually got him to stop going after the rats and try something else, although he was still in a pissy mood for a while after that. I ask the court, were my brother and I correct that you can’t target a swarmkeeper’s swarm, or was our friend correct that we incorrectly made the rats gods?

Ryan

To the blessed saints of the Church of Dice, I must confess dice crimes. When I was but a wee lad I was invited to my friend's 10th birthday party. On this special occasion we played LOTR risk, which was a revelation. Even moreso was the blossoming of a lust for dice as I witnessed my first d8. As a weak willed lustful child I thieved these dice when none were the wiser and have harboured the dice and guilt for over 20 years. I thought that I had returned them, but I was shocked to discover the sins of my past merely hid in the corners of my belongings. Forgive me my sins and guide me to salvation as I have not seen this friend in many years.

Alec Posta

To the kindly bailiff and the three guys in silly robes: I present a case involving a small hint, and a big assumption. My players were exploring an abandoned, magi-tech university. When they entered the Dean's office they found that it still had an active security system, which works as follows: The entire floor of the room is one large pressure plate. If the plate detects a load radically different from the Dean's last recorded weight, 4 glass tubes built into the desk will spawn 4 elementals to attack the intruders. As soon as the weight is no longer detected, the elementals despawn but if the glass tubes are broken there is a violent discharge of electricity and the associated element can no longer despawn. As the players entered the room I told those with high passive perception that they felt a slight “give” when stepping into the room. During initiative rolling there was table banter where I said the fateful line: “Well…you don’t TECHNICALLY have to fight them”. Cue more than two rounds of my players getting womped by the elementals as they try, turn after turn, to persuade them to stop fighting. During the encounter I described the monsters as “mindless”, reiterated the hint about the floor to the ENTIRE party, and emphasized that breaking the glass tubes was having no effect on the enemies whatsoever. They eventually (barely) defeated them all, but my party was INCENSED. They were mad because I had told them, quote, “You can negotiate with the elementals”. After MUCH confusion I figured out that they had taken the line, “You don’t technically have to fight” to mean, “ you can negotiate”, when what I really meant (and hinted at) was that there was a puzzle in the room that they could solve to bypass the fight. Was I in the wrong for not giving enough guidance, or are my players just salty at their own stubbornness? P.S. Elsewhere in the building was a day-to-day record of the Dean’s weight to act as another clue. They hadn’t yet found this when entering the office.

Ben Fleuter

To the exalted bailiff, and those three stooges that live in her shadow I bring to you the 25 year old case of the Walking Gun. When I was 11, I GMed a futuristic and dubiously balanced homebrew TTRPG we called Power Rage. Basically a mashup of Star Wars, Animorphs, and Dragonball. When attacking an enemy base, my 9 year old brother's character - a space assassin named Necron - ran for cover under a two story tall laser gun. On the gun's initiative, I had it walk 30ft, turn around, and blast poor Necron to ashes. It was my first ever kill as a GM. To this day my brother still argues that Necron's death was unjust - as the toy used to represent the giant gun had until now represented stationary turrets. I argued that the toy itself had legs, so of course it could walk. Justices, can you please put this case - which is so old it can rent a car - to rest? Does Necron deserve justice? Or was my brother being too rigid in his imagination? -Ben PS: My brother is 34 and a powerful lawyer now. He has three kids. He is so strong. Please help me.

Isaiah Simpson

Your Honors and maybe even Jack if he hasn't been disbarred in the last 30 seconds, I present a simple question: Should people be responsible for learning the intricacies of magic before being allowed to play a casting class? Look. I know this is just a game, and everyone should be able to play whatever they want. I understand that. But I get respectfully heated when the casters, for example, use a spell that damages themself just as much as the enemy and then my Paladin has to use a turn Touching Hands instead of tossing a handful of d8's for that tasty smite damage. Am I right to be a little ticked? Or should I just relax and let the druid Call Lightning down upon themselves and the surrounding enemies when there's another group of enemies just 20ft away...? We even lightly begged the druid to just target a further group so they wouldn't hurt themselves, but they doubled down. How much precision should we be allowed to expect from the casters amongst us? To be clear in the session where the druid roasted themself nearly to death, we all had a good laugh and made it out of the combat alive. All in good fun, but I can't get over this question: Should we require some base level of spell understanding before entrusting someone with our character's lives and destinies? I eagerly await your judgement, A sad paladin

J Henry

To the sexy supreme crit justices and girlboss bailiff Emily, I bring to you the case of the false friendship. After years of searching, I finally found a group to play d&d with. We are a large, westmarch style group with multiple DMs all running sessions in the same world with whoever signs up. In the first few sessions I played, I made fast friends with a girl we'll just call E. E began bringing her roommate, K. K is one of the most gorgeous men I've ever seen in my life, and I initially thought he might be E's boyfriend. The group from that session began meeting up once a week, and as I talked to E more, I learned that while she and K had known each other since middle school (we are all in our mid to late 20s), they were not dating and that K was in fact gay. I wanted see what would happen, so I added him on Snapchat and started talking. However, E told me in a later conversation that she knew K had a pattern of hooking up with guys and then never talking to them again, so I decided I wasn't going to try to take it any further than being friends. We talked constantly, and at one point I told him I was going to stop drinking at our sessions (even though we usually meet at a bar) because I felt like I had gotten a bit too aggressive at the table recently and I was sure people were tired of me yelling when I rolled low. His response was "I know I am." I felt so bad and sent an apology to our group chat, but several others in the group said they supported my decision, but didn't see a problem, and enjoyed having me at the table. About a month later, E had to leave our group when she moved out of state. K and I had been talking every day for 3 months at that point, and he said he would continue coming to sessions after E left. However, a few weeks later (about 2 weeks ago as I'm writing this) K cancelled on a session. This was the second session he had missed since E moved away, and would have been the third had I not convinced him to come 2 weeks prior when he was having a bad day. Since everything between K and me had been fine up until this point, I decided to check on him and make sure he was doing okay. He suddenly became very cold with me in his responses, and stopped replying at all over the next couple of days. I decided to let it go and give him some space. He came to next (last) week's session, so I assumed his mood had improved somewhat. I tried to talk to him a couple of days ago, but he was again cold and standoffish. Our DM said in the group chat yesterday that K (as well as a couple of other players) would not be at this week's session. When I got there that night, I asked the group if anyone had checked on K recently. Our DM said they had talked earlier that day and that K would not be coming back. There were no details given as to why, but I can't help wondering if I'm at least part of the reason why he decided to leave. It also could be that he didn't feel like he didn't feel like he was part of the group, especially since the rest of us had become very close friends. However, he never really made an effort to engage with any of us, and also never attended any of the social events we held outside of gameplay sessions. In addition, the last week he came was the last of 3 sessions where my character had not been able to do anything due to a long series of low rolls, and I was very vocal about my frustration at the circumstances after the session ended. Among all of this, my mind keeps going back to something E told me, that the main aspect of K's personality is that he's an asshole. Justices, am I to blame for K's abrupt departure from the group, or am I being too hard on myself and is K just flaky and kind of a dick? I humbly accept whatever punishment you see fit for either party.

Ol Bad Eyes

To the Bodacious Bailiff and the Supreme Crit Justices that may or may not deserve their seat on the bench, I bring to you the case of the Wrongful Retcon. For my first time playing DnD I joined a game that was already deep into a campaign ran by my brother and several close friends. I played a Lv 14 Wild Magic Sorcerer named Forgo, a bonkers embodiment of chaos that would make my fellow Tanner proud. The game was amazing with my character being introduced as already fighting the pair of bosses the party had came to defeat. During the combat I was blasting off Disintegrations left and right and thanks to rolling a 1 on my d100 Magic Surge I was Reincarnated and gained all of my spell slots back, which led to more Disintegrations. Dice Christ was in my corner that day and I pretty much soloed one of the bosses, and then came in hard to help the party whomp the other one. Everyone had a great time, even the DM, despite him drunkingly complaining about how powerful his guys were supposed to be. I was welcomed into the party with open arms and they all remarked how great it was to finally have an offensive spell caster on the team. I was on cloud 9 and carried that with me for the entire month before sitting down to our next session, where we were greeted with the words, "we are going to redo last session because I got too drunk to remember Legendary Resistances". We reset and my character was introduced in the same exact way, but with one major difference, every single one of my attacks were Legendary Resisted. Like the party said, I was their only combat spell caster, which meant that I was the only one burning through the Legendary Resistances. I spent the next 8 hours sitting at the table utterly defeated as I watched everyone of my party members do 100s of hit points worth of damage due to homebrew skills, all while I got magic blocked for 6 turns in a row. In the end we still won the fight, but I never recovered the feeling of excitement I got from that first session. We played a couple more sessions after this, but with every boss fight I was reduced to burning Legendary Resistances and by the time they were all burnt up the encounter was over. As a DM and someone who is working on their own TTRPG system (Roll Off!!: Shar Harmonia Edition, if you know you know), I understand the need for Legendary Resistances and other mechanics designed to prevent bosses from being killed in Round 1, but I ask today, is there a better way? Because being the designated Legendary Resistances Burner really killed any of the enjoyment I was having with the character.

Allison Talbert

To the Illustrious Judges and the little cake boy Joseph. I ask for your judgment today, on a moral quandary regarding my next campaign. I have run and completed 7 D&D campaigns in my life mostly homebrew with the exception of 2 Curse of Strahd campaigns. I carefully curate my D&D groups to get a fun mix of play styles and D&D experience, taking care to only invite people who I think will be fun and interesting to play with. My groups have ranged in size and composition, sometimes some people know each other before we play, sometimes everyone is a stranger, but the one thing that remains consistent in each party is that during the course of my campaigns, 2 of the real human players will start a relationship together. 6/7 couples that met and started dating at my D&D table have gotten married, with the 7th couple announcing their engagement just last month. (Congrats to them!) I am just getting ready to run a homebrew campaign (based off of Emily’s Winter Solstice one-shot) with a new group of players. Judges, my question is this: do I have a moral obligation to warn my future players that 2 of them are going to end up happily married to each other? Also would it be wrong for me to invite players with match-making in mind? Judges, I am but a simple country DM (who loves love and has these 2 friends that would be really cute together). If I promise not to make it weird, am I good? Or does the very thought of match-making make it weird and ruin the sanctity of the game?

Amanda Cox

One time in 2005 my dad collected one of every crop in Pit, preventing anyone else from winning, and made a 5 minute game stretch into 10 minutes. My mom still won’t play Pit with him. What’s the statute of limitations on bad behavior in board games? P.S. my parents have been married for 35 years. P.P.S. one time I also did this in college as a joke at a board game night and got a big laugh. this is just a brag. Thanks!

Armis

To the honorable justices Murphy and Tanner, the wormy bailiff Axford, and the highest of honors to justice Hurwitz for DMing an incredible campaign, I bring to you the case of railroading. I'm currently running a campaign based on C1 for my friends who've never listened to the show. I've made my own changes to people and locations here and there, but the early levels are planned to follow how C1 went before the band got to Galaderon. One of my players was apart of the Eldritch Knight program in Ezry, and I was hoping they'd use that connection to seek out Duttle for answers. I even gave him a dream sequence about a dark secret in Duttle's lab that they should destroy, but when the time came they still chose to leave Ezry. Instead of letting them go, I opted to use some warforged knights to bring them to Duttle's lab. Justices, was I wrong to push them like this? They didn't seem to mind about it, and the player did seem to enjoy learning that his brother was also part of the program, but I still can't shake the feeling that I should have let them go on their own path. I eagerly await your decision.

Samuel Watson

To the all-good high priests of the clergy and the cake boy- no cake MAN who DM'd the incredible Skaldova. I ask you to rise from your milk baths for a future sin. I am a bad DM. No, I'm not doubting my skills, my campaigns are fantastic and my players are lucky to have me. I know my worth. No, I am a bad DM because I make my players cry. I know my friends well, I know what storylines will hook them in, and I know how to twist the blade to pull at their heartstrings. This does come with the side effect that I get upset as well as I get sucked into the story we make together, but it's worth it for the high highs that come from the low lows. I do not ask the clergy to tell me to stop, but to forgive what I must do in the name of a great story.

Jake

P.S. Unrelated, but in the week preceding the finale in which this campaign and my friends campaign - which was taking place in the same place and time - were to intertwine, two of my players broke up (messily), another player (unsuccessfully) asked me out, and then their mom crashed into my car. The final act never saw the stage.

Dandelion O’Candles

“Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match / find me a find / catch me a Thicc Level 15 Divine Soul Sorcerer who is independently wealthy.”

Babbles The Clown

Ello honorable Justices & worm wife Bailiff Emily Years ago we were playing through "The Rise of Tiamat" campaign when we got to a section with a kennel of ridable Wyverns, I was playing a fighter with a negative Wisdom but profecency in Animal Handling. We were to roll to use the Wyverns for an escape, & I rolled 4 Nat 20s in a row on the wyvern to tame it. The table of course lost their shit & I argued that that was now my pet forever, the DM argued that there were no rules to have a per wyvern but eventually relented when I told him I wasn't planning to become a dragon rider or anything. My character simply loves animals & literally had a puppy he carried around & hide ala PawPaw years before I ever met PawPaw (but my puppy had far less to do with plot) So I ask was I wrong to fight for Goldie or did the dice proclaim that we were met to be friends forever? I humbly await your decision

Rin Carranza

Dear Justices and to the wonderful, delighful goddess of Bailiffs, and fellow troll wife, Bailiff Emily (may your rein mever end); I bring you the case of "I cant wait to kill that lady" I am dm'ing for 4 players (friends of 8 years) in a dark fantasy homebrew setting. Throughout the campaign the group was hunting down a npc (we'll call her Johanna) that they wanted Vengeance of for kidnapping one of the PC's sister, who was inflicted with a terminal disease. Hot blooded and rushing, they would catch up to Johanna every once in awhile where I would show case what exactly they were going up against. Little windows of what her abilities were and how she uses them. In one example, I show cased her fighting against were-rats and holding her own inside of an Ash storm. Several sessions past and they got to a point where they caught up to Johanna and found out that in her guilt of using their sister, she toke her to a village to heal her and when the party found her in the past, she explained that she was fetching items for the cure to make up her action, and that she did this to get back to her wife. The party acknowledged this but I picked up the hints that they still wanted kill her. So I mentioned that a npc (we'll call him Rocky) they've been traveling with is her rival and wants her out of his way. So they teamed up, and waited for their moment to strike. Rocky gave healing pots, tips and plate armour to the fighter. This is where things blew up in my face. The group waited at night, but attacked rocky and knocked him unconscious. They killed Rocky's two squires and then engaged Johanna. I made her as a mini boss stats designed for cr3 when they were a level 4 party at this time. I thought it would be an easy 3 round fight as she was mostly a beef cake of 100 HP and some martial stats. I wanted the fight to be even easier with Rocky to reward them with engaging with npcs. The dice however, said otherwise. This is when this case becomes also a christ dice confession. During this fight, the party rolled poorly but I was rolling hotter than ever. But I admit to fudging my rolls to be way more misses than hits because this has been their peak interest and I wanted them to win. After almost 20 rounds of combat, I decided I can't fudge anymore, and with the guilt of cheating, I rolled her rolls open under the guise of fun. She rolled ungodly well and ultimately smacked the party down, resulting in three players failing their death saves mid fight. They then said this fight was bullshit and that I've been railroading them. To keep things brief, they accused me of railroading them since they kept finding pieces to track her, railroaded that they had to find her and even kept a secret chat from me because they couldn't trust me knowing that they wanted to kill her. Judges, and fellow troll wife Bailiff, am I guilty of railroading? I tried to talk to them more to see what they're feeling and what made them thought they were railroaded, but they no longer talk to me and want nothing to do with me. All i got was I should've been more like Matt Mercer, and take notes from Final Fantasy games. Will dice christ forgive me? Thank you all, and I await the verdict.

Meetch

Hello to the resplendant Baliff Emily, and your honors Jusge Murphy, Judge Tanner, and especially Judge Jamiroquai. I love your music. I bring you the case of "The Actual MotorGUYcle" I GM'd a group where we played the Cuberpunk Red TTRPG based on the Cyberpunk franchise. In a gritty night city, my Edgerunner players were tasked with discovering what happened to the Edgerunners they played previously, who had all died in a TPK. They discovered an npc, Norville, who had been hastily and unwillingly turned into a cyberpsycho as a punishment, being augmented with all series of implants bolstering his strength and agility. Upon defeating him, they took pity on his predicament and wanted to nurse him back to health. Now something to know about my players: they were all on the verge of being cyberpsychos themselves, so they behaved erratically despite being mostly good at their core. They had got it into their heads that they could turn Norville into a sentient motorcycle. One of the characters, the Tech class, had poured all of his stats into the "Invention" skill, making him highly capable to create, you guessed it, a MotorGUYcle. I stood fast against this, not wanting something so silly to sully my very edgy tone I had set up. Despite multiple crits and sound planning on their part, I refused again and again. I still get razzed about this as they were pretty intent upon riding Norville into a firefight. JUDGES. Was I wrong to prevent a man from being reduced to just a MotorGUYcle, or was I right to want to keep intact a painstakingly crafted tone to my world? I await your vrooms of judgement.

Matthew Sturm

To the honorable Justices and everyone’s favorite Sebulba-loving bailiff, I present the case of the barrel rider. I was playing in a one-shot that ended with a PVP competition to win entrance to Heaven+, a premium afterlife. We had to find an unbreakable barrel on an island full of barrels and grab the Heaven+ gift card out of it in order to win. After the barrel was found, I grabbed it and began climbing a rope trick with it under one arm. When I was one turn away from reaching the portal at the top, one of the other players attempted to misty step up to me. More specifically, he wanted to misty step onto the barrel, hoping that the extra weight would cause me to drop it. My brother, who was DMing, initially ruled that I would need to make a strength save to hold onto the barrel, and then the other player would make an acrobatics check to stay on the barrel if I held on successfully. After some further deliberation, he decided to reverse the order of the rolls, citing that the misty stepping player might just immediately fall off and make it easier for me to hold the barrel. He failed his check and fell off, which resulted in me having to hit a lower DC on my save due to only having to withstand the initial impact rather than having to hold a whole person’s weight continuously. I succeeded my save and was able to make it into the portal and pull up the rope on my next turn. The other player initially argued that he shouldn’t have needed to make a check to stay on the barrel because he teleported directly onto the barrel and that I was unable to move out of turn. My brother cited that he might fall due to the rope moving drastically at the fulcrum point of my grip, causing me and the barrel to tip because of the extra weight. The player then argued that my save shouldn’t have been easier even though he fell off, but was overruled due to the original justification for the lower DC. For the record, I rolled higher than the higher DC anyway, so the lower DC didn’t even matter. I’m glad things worked out for me, but did my brother make the correct rulings, or was the other player robbed of his cool moment?

Keegan Plank

Howdy to the omniscient judges and the cutie patootie bailiff Jameson!! Today I bring to you the case of the Druid Craft Toot v Sister. I recently started DMing a virtual campaign of DoiP with my mom, sister, brother, and significant other, all of us newbs to DND aside from my brother. When the idea was posed, everyone seemed super into trying a new form of quality time. I was under the impression that things were going swimmingly until I learned that my sister had my mom create her character sheet using ChatGPT. This set the precedent for her participation; during our first official session, she had my mom recite her brief character introduction, my brother directing what her character should say/do, and inevitably zoned out for the entire 3hr session. We are now 5 sessions in, spread out over the course of 2 months, and she has yet to be able to roll a d20 on her own for initiative and attack rolls, doesn’t listen to storylines that relate to her directly, and even walks off unannounced to eat snacks or walk the dog for extended periods of time during combat. Her lack of participation has become so palpable that other players have started to feel that their gameplay is being negatively affected. And that’s where my case begins; my S.O, noticing my sister’s lack of attention, cast Druid Craft to produce the smell of a fart and announced that my sister’s character had ripped ass in the middle of a tavern full of their acquaintances. I didn’t ask for the parameters of the cantrip or any type of roll, as I was increasingly annoyed and wanted to see where things went, and I let the scene play out. After several minutes had passed of PCs and NPCs ribbing her for the indecent display, she came out of her zoned out state and wanted to prove her innocence. By then, she had been prompted numerous times by me (as NPCs) and other characters to engage with the scene, and still hadn’t noticed, so I didn’t allow her to make any persuasion check and let her effectively get blamed as a crop duster. My question is; am I terribly evil for letting my S.O use Druid Craft in this way without a deception check while also refusing my sister the opportunity to prove her innocence? I sit humbly before the judges and await your ruling. Love, the humble tootmiser

Kody Chipman

To the honorable Justices Murphy and Tanner, baby DM Hurwitz who's growing up fast, and the extravagant wife-worm bailiff Axford. I present to you the case of the Undead Centaur PC. My husband and I have been playing D&D for the last 7 years, with my husband being the forever DM and I, a PC with some long time friends. Over the years, we have played many campaigns and have gone in many adventures. We have even done smaller campaigns with other systems such as Starfinder and Pathfinder. Our case begins when a few months ago, the DM wanted to start a Pathfinder campaign, with the entire thing being a massive, classic dungeon crawl. One of our friends in this new campaign, Jake, always enjoys playing characters that would turn Justice Murphy into a salt golem. For example, in the last 5E, he played a halfling bard named Yon Von Jon who wore nothing but lederhosen and spoke in a slight German accent. In a Western campaign, he played the Colonel from KFC but spoke in quick little huffs that no one could understand. In this case, Jake wanted to play a home brew undead Centaur for the dungeon crawl, but after the first hearty battle, our cleric went around healing and before Jake could be healed, the DM ruled that because a healing spell is radiant, it would actually hurt him and he would need necrotic energy or just wait for a long rest. After that, Jake seemed to lose interest in the rest of the session and after, politely said dungeon crawls weren't really "his thing" and he preferred an open world where he could talk to NPCs. Justices, I ask you, should my DM have warned him earlier about healing mechanics as an undead or was he right to wait and let him see for himself? I dog-like humbly wait for your judgement. P.s. there were no hard feelings between Jake and the DM, and he returned to the table for our current 5E campaign.

Geshem420

Honorable Justices and Beastly Bailiff, I present the case of the Flaking Friend. I have a friend who is in two campaigns, one with me and one i am not a part of. She frequently flakes on our campaigns just when we’ve managed to pick a date that works for everyone. But then she flakes on other, non DnD social events to go to her other campaign. Justices I ask you, what gives? does this friend just not wanna hang out with us? Is she just a mess? Should I talk to her about her flaking? Should we give up on our goofy and delightful campaign and start anew without her? I am at a loss. Your ruling will decide the fate of the friends.

Cathy Lewandowski

To the bodacious bailiff and the mostly-fine supreme crit justices, I need your judgement on an egregiously late legendary resistance. In combat, my bard upcast a Psychic Lance spell against a powerful enemy, who thankfully failed the saving throw. This meant he would take 10d6 damage and more importantly, would be incapacitated until the start of my next turn. I rolled my damage dice and excitedly let my party know it was gonna some chunky damage once I added it all up. At this point, the DM announced that the enemy would take half because he was using a legendary resistance after all. I protested to my DM that it wasn't right to change his mind after I'd already rolled the damage dice. There was a little bickering -- the DM is one of my closest friends, so it was in good humor for both of us and our online table of friends -- but I did acknowledge it's his table and he can decide to uphold this if he wants to. He did so and we all moved on, but I'm still feeling salty about it. Justices, am I wrong in feeling wronged, or did my DM do me dirty? (PS: In case you are considering giving him a generous read, you should know that we're all quite experienced, so this definitely wasn't just a sweaty DM panic move on his part.)

Matthew Sturm

To the honorable Justices and everyone’s favorite Sebulba-loving bailiff, I present the case of the rope trick robbery. I was playing in a one-shot that ended with a PVP competition to win entrance to Heaven+, a premium afterlife. We had to find an unbreakable barrel on an island full of barrels and grab the Heaven+ gift card out of it in order to win. After the barrel was found, I grabbed it and climbed up a rope trick and pulled the rope up. It took 2 actions to open the barrel and then grab the gift card, so on the first turn I opened up the barrel and waited for the next round. One of the other players directed a kraken, which had followed us onto the island and had been attacking all of us, toward the area of the invisible portal in the sky in a last ditch effort to stop me. My brother, who was DMing, had the kraken use all of its movement to get directly under the portal, then said that it made a grapple attack with its tentacle through the portal, rolling to see whether it attacked me, another player that I had charmed, the open barrel, or just the air. I argued that it shouldn’t be able attack inside the portal because it wasn’t inside the portal and attacks can’t pass through rope tricks portal. He ruled that it could attack because he thought you would be able to punch someone through the portal even if you couldn’t shoot them. He rolled a 1 on a d100, which resulted in the barrel being grabbed and yanked out of the portal. I attempted to save my plan by saying that the gift card might fly out of the barrel when it was yanked. My brother agreed, but gave it better odds to come out outside of the portal than inside. The card ended up falling out outside of the portal, letting the next player in initiative walk up and easily grab the card to win. Did my brother make the correct ruling by allowing the kraken’s attack, or was I robbed of my well-planned victory?

Lulu

Greetings judges Murphy, tanner, and Hurwitz, who I would fuck marry and kill in that order, and Bailiff Axford who is above being the subject of such a childish game. I bring you the case of the commandeered campaign After more than 8 months of weekly sessions our party has done basically nothing in game. We’ve been in less than 5 fights, one week of travel has taken up to three full three hour sessions due to the dm seemingly not preparing anything and asking us to roleplay the travels and when we ask to fast forward to the destination he says it’s still a ways away. Because this was such a slog I offered to run another game over other week so he had time to prep more and not feel stuck as the forever DM. Everyone at the table loved this idea and we moved forward with the plan but the main dms sessions have not improved. Two of the players asked me after a game of we could just do mine instead but being adults with lives and plans we would have to do it on the same night as our already weekly game and this might end up excluding our dm if he doesn’t take it well Justices I have not yet pulled the trigger but am I wrong for wanting to take over the game even though it may turn a party of four into a party of three or is it okay because our DMs game is not fun for the other player?

Carl S.

May it please the court. I present the case of the Skipped Side Quests. Our party was nearing the climax of the campaign, hunting down the BBEG: an ancient, memory-eating vampire. To reach his lair, we had to traverse a haunted forest. As we ventured deeper, our party found a small stone altar tangled in thick roots. Our DM described eerie whispers rising from it, calling our names and offering each of us a secret in exchange for a magical item. We chose to ignore it and kept walking. Not long after, in the distance, we spotted a robed, faceless figure slumped against a tree. It slowly lifted its head, tilted it toward us, and gestured towards us with its hand. Once again, we kept walking. At this point, our DM audibly signed, but moved us along. We reached the manor and charged in. The battle was swift and brutal: four rounds, total party kill. Stunned, we asked our DM what had gone wrong. Our DM informed us, calmly, that we had skipped two side quests designed to level us up. Then, the following week, he admitted that in a moment of spite, he’d added two extra henchmen to the final fight because we “speedran his cool forest.” So I ask you, honorable Justices: Was our DM right to whomp us for ignoring his carefully crafted optional content? I humbly await your ruling.

Emil

To the honorable justices, the effervescent bailiff, and that guy who has been on at least one write-in advice podcast for twelve years, I bring you the case of the table of exes. I DM for three college friends of mine. Two members of the party, the barbarian and the rogue, had an incredibly messy breakup shortly before we graduated two years ago. We started playing a year after the breakup, when they both approached me and said they would be interested in playing and thought DnD would be a good medium to try to become friends again. I agreed for some reason. The game started off well, everyone laughing and feeling like we were back in uni. Things took a turn during the third session when the rogue alluded to keeping a secret from the party (I had approved this beforehand). The barbarian immediately began rolling unprompted insight checks, culminating in a shouting match, all in-character. The two have been at each other's throats ever since, such as declining to use healing potions on each other, physically throwing each other into obvious traps, and complaining about the other to random NPCs. When I attempted to speak to them both privately after the first few times this happened, the barbarian angrily told me that the rogue is a problem character and that he needs to get it together. The rogue, on the other hand, told me that he has been having a lot of fun role-playing with her, saying that "the RP is so intense, it almost feels like she's really mad at me! She's so good at this," and that it reminds him of why they started dating. I kind of didn't answer after that. Justices, am I a coward for not wanting to intervene and have that conversation, or is it fine that I'm trying to just troop through it and hope they work out whatever this is organically and in-story? None of this aggression has extended to real life as far as I've seen, and the other player has said it's fine, but we keep making eye contact during the minutes-long arguments and I feel like maybe it's not. For further context, I introduced them to each other and was somewhat involved in the breakup. PS. Jake I really like your substack

Doctor Ransom

Honestly I would have done the same thing as a DM. Walk in Dice Christ my friend, you need not feel ashamed.

DMing Librarian

To the honorable justices, and the often misnamed Jonk, I submit before ye the Case of the anti-favoritism. My partner is DMing a prequel to Descent into Avernus and I am a player at the table. So far, the adventure has been incredible and my partner does a great job as DM. As we progress, however, I’ve noticed a theme of me being the butt of some jokes and being ignored when I speak. This may be in part due to the campaign being played online, but I’ve noticed it’s just me that is getting routinely ignored. Another issue is that my partner will often hand out boons and inspiration to other players for being adventurous and doing the whole “I pick it up” when the DM has hinted it might be cursed or have an adverse effect. However, when I try it, I specifically get in game banes and punishments - like curses. The biggest issue I have is that one of the other players is an aggressive murder hobo and is additionally using knowledge they learned from playing BG3, and my DM is rewarding using this knowledge learned from a completely different context. I realise I am submitting what seems like a laundry list of complaints, but as a forever DM who is finally getting a chance to play, the overwhelming unfairness is chafing me. Ps: when I spoke to my partner about my feelings of unfairness, they told me that it was now too far out of context to know what I was talking about, so I should point it out as it happens. But justices, I worry that such blatant finger pointing might ruin not only the atmosphere of the game but also my friendships with the other players.

Gunner P

May it pleasure the court, and pander to the honorable judges and of course Murph the most respectable patron of the wrestling fandom. I bring you the case of the "ACCIDENTAL" Cursed blood drinking sword meta build. I Co-DM with my wife primarily because of our 5 month old son taking too much attention for one person to properly handle all the duties that come with the job.. anyways my wife as DM early on in our campaign gave my PC the periapt of wound closure, no big deal right? Well after several close calls but never any real need for the item i left it attuned and simply forgot about it. Fast forward 6 months worth of sessions and a newborn child later, my character was mistakenly Soul-Bound to a Vampiric sword my wife and I had built together. It has an obnoxious sentience of its own, ironically sounding like a bloodthirsty Shank, which gives my max DEX rogue disadvantage on stealth checks, which is great flavor and i love it so no problems there. But the issue lies in the sword has the ability to cast Vampiric Touch with the Cost of a DC 15 CON save to not gain a +1 to Death Saves and Crit Fails on Death saves for every use that isnt passing the CON save. This rule has worked fine until a recent battle had my PC downed making death saves. I was promptly reminded about the Periapt of Wound Closure which then raised my dilemma... If my character is immediately stabilized upon going unconcious. This amulet has my PC sitting up like the Undertaker making Booker T piss himself Have we accidentally meta build my PC by making death saves being the penalty for my cursed sword? And should i just hand off the Amulet to a companion NPC in order to remedy the situation also providing plot-armor for said NPC I feel guilty and plead guilty so i do ask for the harshest of punishments like a Tombstone from the Reaper himself, in order to deter future DM's from abusing their privileges due to negligence!

Sof

Dear honourable Justices and the ever wise Baliff Emily, If it may please the court, I present the Case: Shot thorough the heart, am i to blame? I am a DM for a mischievous & horny bunch of Queers, as am I. Who at our session zero specifically requested two things: a whole lot of romance and for me to "traumatise them". After a ship ride that i predicted would take 1-2 sessions, finally wrapped up after 5,(They were really busy gettin' reeeal busy with some ship crew, and developing some messy romances) they accidentally had reveled some critical information about the ship crew (which they were going to meet up with at a tavern) to the wrong people. So a happy accident for me! I followed the instructions as i have been given and i let them have a great ol'time and as one of the players had a messy argument with their love interest i narrated him rising from the table to say" i wish you good lu" but was interrupted as he got shot through the heart with an arrow and then ended the session. The players broke out in screams, protests and gaping mouths, especially as i wouldn't reveal if it killed him (ofc it didnt but they didn't know that). So my question for you lovely justices is: shot thorough the heart, am i to blame? or did i just fulfill my players wishes? My fate is in your hands!

Jake

Holy moly

AutoReroll

To the honourable Justices and the ir-razzable Bailiff Emily, I would like to bring you the case of the surprise hard reset. A couple of years into a campaign our DM needed to take a break for a few reasons and I took over DM duties with a Witchlight campaign. Suddenly, a few months later she declared that she was ready to resume our campaign with quote "some crazy new ideas". Since I host the sessions, she arrived early and was excitedly sharing some of her new ideas, including the fact that we were to be isekai-ed into a lore appropriate demi-plane. "Well, more like reverse isekai-ed" she chuckled "because you would lose all your items and restart from level 1". My stomach filled with ice. What..? Sensing my reaction, she went on to explain that she kept giving us powerful homebrew items and we had already hit the "rocket tag" stage of combat by level 7. I insisted that she speak to the group before a surprise reset, and although she seemed upset by our reaction, we ended up reaching a compromise (lose all items and mechanically limit spellcasting) and things are now going great. Justices please weigh in, was I right to prevent a nasty surprise to the group, or was I just putting my thumb on the scale to help myself?

Michael Hall

Dear members of the high crit, I think everyone is doing great, I’m come before you with a question. Am I allowed to be pissed about this homebrew?! We are playing through dungeon of the mad mage, and are running everything pretty much by the book.(adjustments are made to fights cause our party is smaller than recommended for the book) and we are in the mad mages maze level. Throughout the maze are tiles that are unable to been seen by perception or investigation and unable to be detected by magic. Once stepped on you are teleported to a random point in the maze. After much frustration of our party being separated and teleported to rooms of monsters or over lava and fighting our way back to each other only to open a door and be teleported AGAIN, I expressed my frustration with this Mechanic. I knew old dungeon crawls had bullshit like this in them but was flabbergasted at how nothing could be done about it and how unbalanced this was and how it was making me feel defeated. I made it clear I was mad at the mechanic and NOT my dm. Finally exiting the maze after many more teleportings we ended the session. At this, as we were packing up and I was talking about that dumb mechanic, my dm chimed in and said in the book once you are teleported YOU ARE IMMUNE TO IT FOR 24 HOURS BUT HE CHANGED IT!!! So my question is, am I right to be mad about this change?

Sage deGaia

Hear me, o ye most celebrated bailif Axford! Greetings to the holy justices Murphy and Tanner, and a weak smile for that other guy. I bring to you the case of the disappointed Aarakocra. A few years ago, I ran a game for my wife and a couple coworkers. The most novice player among us (who we will here call Matt) chose to play an orphaned Aarakocra rogue (bear with me, justice Murphy) with the physical characteristics of a rooster. In the process of talking with Matt to help build out his character's backstory, I pitched that perhaps he was secretly Aarakocra royalty, heir to a throne but hidden away on the material plane to keep him safe from political machinations in the elemental plane of air. He seemed stoked, and told me he wanted to be as surprised as his character at discovering any further details. Flash forward 10 episodes, Matt is moving and his character will be written out of the story. The time for the reveal has come. Our rooster Aarakocra has just narrowly survived an assassination attempt, due to the timely arrival of another Aarakocra, a knight with the visage of a Guinnea Fowl. The knight explains that he has been sent by her highness, the Lady Gallina of Coopsburrough, to protect her long-hidden heir and shepherd him home. There is some deliberation, but eventually, Matt's character agrees to go to Coopsburrough and face his destiny. In our post-session debrief, Matt turns to me, looking a little disappointed, and says "I didn't really want my whole family to be chickens." Justices, I was at a loss! I could agree that the whole conclussion felt a little unsatisfying, the real-life dynamics of Matt's move meant that we were writing him out several episodes sooner than I had expected, but he had described himself as a rooster, was I wrong to build his family line around such a theme?

LongRestFrenzy

Forgive me and my entire party, honorable representatives of Dice Christ, for we have gravely sinned. It was during the deep throes of the pandemic, and some friends and I, all first-time players with a first-time DM, rallied together virtually to try D&D. We made our characters and set off on our quest to the Lost Mine of Phandelver. And doing the math these 5 years later, I honestly believe we spent about 80% of that campaign sleeping. Clergyfolk, we never took a single short rest. We spammed long rests after every single battle, even ones with just a few skeletons. We must have camped out in that mine for weeks before we finally managed to reach the BBEG. And to make matters worse, we wreaked havoc on the action economy. Every round, I did as many bonus actions as I could find on my incredibly well-rested sorcerer’s character sheet, because hey, it was just a bonus! There was no drama in the campaign, we all had a lot of fun, and I have since actually learned how to play D&D, but from the bottom of my heart, let beg for mercy from Dice Christ for my bonus bonus bonus bonus bonus napping ways.

Matthew R

Fairest High Crit Justices and the Timeless Bailiff Emily, I bring the case of the high roller. I play in a handful of campaigns with a player who is terrified, almost anxious, to roll anything lower than an 18. No matter the roll, he’s always trying to up the numbers, unless he knows what it’s for and doesn’t care about the outcome. In one game where I DM for him, he said sheepishly, “23,” when I asked for an arcana check, after making a dramatic production over how bad he rolled. I told him flatly, “on a scale of 1 - 20, 23 is incredible. Remember, the scale is 1 - 20 roughly,” emphasizing this. In another campaign where he and I play together, the DM asked for a perception check. Knowing I roll like Murph (bad, not low), I added some class feats to bolster my result and got a 16 overall. My friend/player says, “I gave you a d8 bardic you should use,” to which I responded, “no, 16 is pretty good and I may need it for my next roll.” Justices, how do I get my friend to understand that any number the dice gives you can be enjoyed, and to not fear low rolls?

william small

RE: Please punish my child To the gorgeous, hung, and exalted Jake and those other three little logs: please punish my child. For years friends have told my wife and I to try out DnD, but always had excuses as to why we couldn't play with them: their party was full, they were playing a complicated system, i was a suspect in the murder of their loved one, they were on a break, etc etc. I finally said "fuck it, we ball" and decided to buy the Dragons of Stormwreck Isle starter set and play with my wife and daughters, who are 7 and 9. The campaign was going swimmingly, and my daughters both picked up the mechanics pretty quick and LOVED some good role playing. The problem arose just before the fight with the BBEG Sparkrender, a young blue dragon. My 7 year old daughter Violet (for simplicity's sake we'll call her "Persimmon") made a beautiful staff out of clay and painted it red and blue. She described to me (for simplicity's sake we'll refer to me as "Aubergine") how it was a magical staff that kills dragons, and begged me to put it into our campaign. I'm not (Aubergine isn't) a monster, so of course I said yes. I decided to make the weapon be able to stun a dragon, and hid it in the loot they'd find as they explored the dragon's keep. We played the last session, and everyone had a great time. They (Persimmon, her sister, my wife, and I ((Aubergine))) had a ton of fun, and killed the stunned Sparkrender in three rounds with none of them taking damage. I am sad that the dragon didn't murder one of my children's characters and thus teach them an important life lesson about grief, responsibility, personal sacrifice, thriftiness, geography, or the crushing relentlessness of our own mortality. I of course grounded my daughter for this and have had her change the oil in our car a few times, but I would like a group of professionals like you to really drive it home and deliver another punishment so that my 7 year old realizes the consequences of her whimsy. Thank you.

Nathaniel F

To the most esteemed Baliff “Executioner’s Axe”-ford, the lowly Byron Smurfy, and, you know. Whoever else. I present the case of the thieving DM. Hired by a simulacrum-like illusory wizard, we found and fixed his now-dead Prime Wizard’s “illusion-made-real” machine. Our Wizard and Artificer tested it with an illusion of a pile of platinum bars, totaling some 250k or more gold, before using it on the illusory Wizard. All seemed successful. On our way back to town, our DM told us the platinum had a half life of one hour, and is starting to disappear (the now-real wizard was fine, though) As he mentions this, a little red devil guy, complete with evil mustache and French accent, pops out of our PC wizard’s watch, and does, well, not much of anything. We shrug it off as a later problem and we book it to the town bank. We set up a deal with the bank teller to launder the money, and hand her the platinum. At that moment, said little devil guy pops back out, pushes the teller into the bank vault portal, jumps in after her, and locks it from the inside. Sealing our money, nay our joy, away. We have played many campaigns in this world with the same characters, and characters from the in-world guild we started. The bank is “still investigating” - Real world and in-game years later! Please, we need him to be judged, you’re our only hope!

Kerri

Dear honorable justices and either the illustrious Emily Axford or lousy bailiff Jape. I present the case of the co-worker coup. A group of coworkers and I, (restaurant industry) and our partners, had talked about playing together for almost a year before a new coworker (we’ll call him Luke) came into our lives and offered to DM for us. He’d been a player and DM before and graciously agreed to run a campaign for us. We enjoyed a very fun 1-5 lvl campaign, and despite his sort of shy and by the book style all had a great time. In between this campaign and our next one, another party member ( Chet) felt confident enough to run some one shots when the entire party wasn’t able to attend. His style is much more verbose, he’s more comfortable improving, does all the fun voices, etc. the problem comes when we’re about a third of the way through storm kings, run by Luke, and a third player (Steve) starts pulling other players aside at work and saying Chet is a better dm and we should just have him take over as full time DM. He doesn’t like a few homebrew things Luke does, like roll our death saves behind the screen. Chet is fine with this coup. Other members are as well. Justices, is this unfair? Luke was kind enough to let us play for the first time and mitigated all of our first time flubs with his patience, even bending over backwards to keep Chet’s character alive... I feel it’s only fair to at least let him finish his campaign! We all put a lot of work into these characters and back stories, I want to give him a chance to see it through. Not to mention is seems rude to a friend and co worker in real life. Steve was also recently kicked out of a different group for complaining about their home brew rules. Also all three (Luke,Steve, Chet,) are my bosses now. Can this campaign be saved? Do I need new friends? A new job? I await your judgement and possible punishment eagerly. P.s they can’t really fire me, I’ve been there forever, and we’re all good pals.

Annika

To the lavender-scented judges and the pea-scented bailiff Emily. I bring forth the case of the illiterate dragon: My boyfriend DMs a campaign with me and my sisters. My pact of the chain warlock was in a trial that involved stealing an egg guarded by a dragon and her magical wards. For my turn, I had my lovely pseudodragon familiar (who can understand common and draconic) fly to the egg and read the draconic glyphs guarding it, then translate the details to me via our telepathic bond. My dm ruled that my familiar can’t read because “although it understands draconic, it cannot speak”. I lost the argument but have since stayed salty. Judges, am I wrong to be offended on behalf of my son who is a very smart and special boy?! I prostrate myself before your 80 foot tall bench.

Dingus

To the eye catching justices and bailiff Emily and the where did he go Jake. I offer the case of the Misplaced Sacrifice. I was in a cyberpunk game playing a Furbolg druid who suffered from a blood curse due to events in the story. A somewhat evil party member of mine was given a magic knife and was only told "it can give a life for a life". After the final battle my party won but my Firbolg, Broglif, was succumbing to the curse and was dying. That party member remembered the knife and making a guess stabbed my guy with it in the chest. Effectively sending my Firbolg to hell while he ascended to the heavens. I was laughing my ass off while the DM, panicked, described the rapid ascension and deception of each respective PC ending the game there. So Justices, was that party member in the wrong for making a bad call or should my DM have given clearer instructions with the knife. I leave their fate in your hands

wouldn't you like to know

May it please the court, I was invited to join a campaign that a group of my friends had already been playing. I decided to play a Celestial warlock, and thought it would be a fun twist to pass her off as a cleric. The DM was enthusiastic about the idea, even allowing me to rename my Eldritch Blast to "spicy Sacred Flame" to lessen suspicion. When I sat down at the table, I learned that the party had specifically asked the DM for me to play a cleric, since they wanted a healer. I also learned that our monk had a deep hatred for my Warlock's fallen pantheon because they'd destroyed her village. A few sessions later, when my character's ex-wife outed her to the monk, this created what I thought was amazing in-character drama, with the monk pinning my warlock to a wall by the neck and my warlock barely able to convince the monk to spare her life. However, the monk was unable to get over the betrayal. My efforts to mend the relationship (which included training together as I multiclassed into paladin) were in vain, and the monk left the party over her differences with my warlock. The player made a new character, but despite the new character having no reason to have a problem with mine, they were still frosty towards my warlock and mistrusted her implicitly. The final straw was our epilogue, where I narrated that my character (an elderly human) died the way she least expected to - of old age, surrounded by friends. The monk's player chimed in to say that her monk returned to spit on my warlock's grave. After seeing my reaction, she tried to walk it back as a joke, but when I told her it didn't seem like she was joking, she reluctantly confessed that she wasn't. Justices, I beseech you - was the in character behavior justified? Even though my character did not directly betray the party, was a months-long lie and a hidden loyalty enough to justify leaving the party, only to return in the epilogue to spit on my warlock's grave? I eagerly await your judgement.

Billstrom Billings-Clyde

To the most gracious Bailiff, Emily, and the statuesque, ever-wise Justices- save for that one guy- I want to say Jonk? I bring you the case of the Admant Arc (Character). A few years ago, I volunteered to be a part of a monthly live D&D show, that would have an overarching story, but each show could be watched standalone. Due to some scheduling conflicts, some of the more experienced performers and players weren’t able to commit for the duration, and so I was one of three regulars selected, none of us knew each other prior to this. Because these shows were live, I’ll keep the characters vague: I played a a surprisingly progressive monk with a composite East Coast accent, there was a plucky reporter Bard, and the third player was a Druid. At first, I was excited. I’m a huge fan of NADDPOD as well as Dimension 20, but the issues started during the session 0. They were playing a socially awkward character and expressed this by getting close to our faces and yelling… which instinctually put me on edge and had me physically back up. This wasn’t something they did outside of character. They also played their character mentally as a child, but we found a workable dynamic. The kicker was during combat: when none of their attacks seemed to hit, and we noticed their spell modifier was strangley low. During the break, we discovered on their character build, wisdom was one of their lower stats. They were surprised it was the key stat and after adjusting it, got uncomfortably defensive. I tried to gently ask how much experience they had with D&D, which I can see could come off as offensive. I was just so thrown by having the Druid’s key stat so low, and I tried to also mention that I was relatively new and had some resources I could share that gave me quick rundowns of different classes. After that session 0, the DM scheduled some pickup practices so we could all work on general chemistry and performances and things seemed to smooth other. We had our first show, people seemed to really enjoy it and I thought everything was ok. Wrong. During our second show, there was a fight between the Bard and Druid. Something about him being a little immature, but also not personal- completely in character, and something you’d expect in a sitcom plot that would be resolved by the end of the episode. They split off and there are two plots we cut between, which helps with us fetching quest items. The DM reveals that one of the villains is actually related to the Druid and he offers to recruit him. I was paired with the Bard and we steered out plot to resolving her issues with the Druid and resolving to make up. When we meet the Druid, they’re torn between us and their sibling, the villain. Their first choice is to try to freeze me and the Bard in ice and take away our agency, which the DM graciously shut down. Then Bard makes and impassioned speech apologizing. They refused. I make an impassioned speech apologizing, asking them to come back. They refuse again. Then they join the villain and fight us. Keep in mind, this is all in front of an audience- half thought it was exciting, and the other half seemed visibly uncomfortable by the Druid’s behavior. The show ended with him leaving with the villain, and we all stayed after to talk about where to go from there. The Druid replied: “I felt it’s what my character would do.” The Bard and I were frustrated, but calmly tried to explain all the obstacles and issues this caused. Were we going to keep cutting back to their character and the bad guy during the shows? Why didn’t they meet us halfway? To every question, he said he didn’t think about that. After the meeting, the Bard and I brought up that the Druid may have lied about their background and experience, but the DM insisted on talking with them to try an get things worked out. In the end, the refused to make adjustments and quit. The other shows went off without much more of a hitch with guest performers popping in. But honorable Justices and Bailiff, I prostrate myself before thee, humbly requesting Jonk wait outside as I receive your judgment: who was wrong in this scenario?

John Tanzer

I come today beseeching the highest ecclesiastic court of Dice Christ in adjudicating a case involving the fudging of rolls and spousal bullying. My wife--girlfriend at the time of the inciting incident--has a recurring guest character in the ongoing game that I run. I ported over a beloved sorceress of hers from a campaign that her friends abandoned into the system we are using (from 5e to 13th Age), so she could easily jump in when she's not busy with grad school. This is important for two reasons. One, this character has a lot of similarities to my wife in personality, and two, death mechanics work slightly differently in 13th Age. In second time she played with us, the party got dragged into a netherrealm where a necromancer cult were trying to transcend their leader into a lich. The cult's ritual included a broad perimeter that kept out terrible things, so the instant the lich-to-be was slain, the wards went down and the party had to run. Terrible shadow hounds raced in, dragging down the few remaining cultists and very visibly eating their souls. The party quickly recognized the intent and dashed for the portal. Most of them. My wife, thinking of the durability of 5e characters, tried to fire off a parting spell and was instantly beset. Your Honors, behind my screen I rolled multiple crits, dealing an amount of damage that would have immediately killed her via 13th Age's rules but not 5e. I allowed the first crit to knock her out, but treated the other hits normal, leaving her alive but on her way to see the Grinch. She was rescued and escaped. Your honors she does not know that I fudged this near-murder, and thanks to her not listening to the non-campaign episodes may never know. However, since then, she has taken this to indicate that I am a brutal DM. She revels in telling the story of the time I almost killed her, especially to people who don't play with us like random coworkers, delighting in me squirming about it and spreading a reputation as a meanie behind the screenie that I feel is unearned. In our main campaign I have never killed a PC and don't particularly intend to, though in the interest of maintaining dramatic tension, I'd rather my players don't know that. The defense of "I should have killed you but chose not to" is not a defense I particularly want to enter into the record if I don't have to. Is my wife's gentle roasting and light defamation of my character to every family member and coworker she starts talking about D&D to simply the price I must pay for pulling my punches? Must maintaining the kayfabe as a heel be my penance for a sin in the eyes of Dice Christ?

Dean

There's more I just remembered. He was a human fighter. He only wanted to play a "man whore" to the point of doing an encounter with a dryad from the sourcebook, he asked to persuade her to stop fighting (which the book calls for) and when I asked what he says to her, he picked up a Cerberus miniature from a different game I had gotten and said "bark bark mommy". I made him make the roll at disadvantage for that. He is also flaky, which really sucks since he's one of three players and I don't wanna consistently run his plot hooks without him.

Dana Aderholdt

To the mighty judges and that dirty little wife worm Emily, i run a 5e campaign for me and a few of my friends. Before one of the more recent sessions one of my players childhood dogs died (sorry for the bummer). As I understand it, it literally happened an hour before we were supposed to play. Since I’m not a monster I asked if she still wanted to play or we could just hang instead. She was a little unsure but after some conversations with me and another player she decided she wanted to do something to keep her mind off things, so we decided to play. The problem is that the session ended up being a very intense combat that featured me knocking her real life fiancés character unconscious twice and then started attacking her. One of the players made a joke that maybe I should giver her a break but she was the only character close enough to attack that wouldn’t be just hitting the unconscious fiancé. Dice Christ did end up intervening and gave me two Nat ones on my advantage attack and No one actually ended up dying in the fight but looking back it I do feel like I maybe should have gone easier on my poor player. I lay myself at the mercy of the court.

Gicky

WARNING SPOILERS FOR LORD OF THE RINGS THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING. ALSO TW: SPHINCTERS. Dear honorable justices and new DM (but no less lowly) bailiff Jake. A friend of mine wanted to try his hand at dming, and I as a long time dm gave him some tips. I told him to be careful when describing the environment as it is often the case that what the dungeon master may think is a minor detail, the players mistake to be the key to cracking this whole thing wide open. Moreover I told him to never describe anything in a way that could be misconstrued as phallic or resembling a butthole as this WILL derail the session without exception. Cut to our first encounter with some eldrich flesh monsters in a strange fleshy cave. The fight is not going in our favor and the mood at the table is getting deflated. The DM picks up on this and in an expert move describes a horrifying howl coming from deeper in the dungeon, and has the flesh monsters suddenly stop and look panicked before fleeing ala the goblins in moria fleeing at the sound of the Balrog (note the spoiler warning). Unfortunately he had the monsters flee through a hole in the fleshy walls of the chamber, which closed "tightly like a sphincter". Judges was I wrong to encourage the party to spend 20 minutes lubing up and coercing the sphincter to open, resulting in us being attacked by an eldrich horror of flesh and bone? Or was this an important lesson for the DM to be careful with word choice? I await judgement. P.S we managed to get the sphincter hole to open but couldn't get our whole bodies in, just the tip.

Will Griffin

Wow. How many sessions was this campaign?!

Horace

Dear Murph, I humbly bring you the case of the edged t-rex. I am a newer dm and was running the first session with 3 of my close friends of our new 2nd short campaign. The party was imprisoned by a shadow syndicate running the country. This is a level 8 campaign (since we played once before). My players were fighting some corrupt guards and were low on health. During combat my bard decided to turn the tables by turning our rogue into a t-rex using polymorph...naturally I panicked and tried to think of ways for him to not do that every combat and absolutely destroy me. I told the bard that archers were going to attack him since, in world, they would understand some magic and see that the ratfolk rogue couldn’t turn into a dinosaur without someone casting a spell. He countered with the fact that if a giant t-rex just appeared, the archers would shoot it instead of him. I said I would roll arcana vs his deception (hes a bard and has +10) to see if they figure it out. He rolled a nat 1. My archer shot him, and he lost concentration before the dino could wreak havoc. Judges was I wrong in sweating so hard and not wanting every single combat to be me versus a t-rex? My players were upset (nothing too serious they still razz me about this), but I did everything by the book and gave the bard a chance to defend his logic with the dice. I always want them to have fun, but I don’t want things to be too easy if they have a constant get out of jail free polymorph card. I graciously accept any punishment bestowed from your divine judgement.

Tuesday Cross, only here for the surf n’ murph.

‘Sup. I wanted to do something fun for my birthday (my first mistake, caring about birthdays) and I organized a one shot. The players were my best friend, her husband, and my now ex-husband, none of whom had ever played before. My cousin, a grizzled veteran of the game, also agreed to join. He and my best friend were enthusiastic, the husbands, not so much. So my best friend, cousin, and I decided we would play for three hours on our own and then The stick in the muds would join us for the final hour. What mainly bothered them about the game was the role-playing aspect, so I made them characters where the premise was they were two normal people (themselves) who found themselves sucked into this world and suddenly had powers, so they didn’t have to role-play as anything other than their own befuddled selves. It actually went well, and everyone seemed to have fun. Apart from the fact that my best friend and my cousin were very deep in character. My best friend in particular was playing as ‘neutral evil’ and was dedicated to the bit. In character, she began to butt heads with her husband‘s character, because team wonder-husband were doing probably too good of a job role-playing the characters I had given them. When we achieved the final goal of the one shot, my best friend made a big deal about finding a particular item, and how important it was to her and her story arc. In doing so she insulted her and my husband’s characters, calling them out for their different play style. Her husband decided to attack, and with a Nat 20 killed her, dead. The husbands thought this was really funny, but my best friend and my cousin were mortified, and my best friend was very sad because this is a character that she envisioned continuing on with. Deep down, I know that in character she antagonized, but was it worthy of a death sentence? I humbly leave it up to you to decide.

Jamie ßuçklānđ

To the Almighty church of dice christ, I bring to you this confession. I have a fantastic group of friends who I have been playing DND with for years. During one of our campaigns, we had leveled up and my paladin had gained the warding bond spell. When I attempted to cast it on a party member, my DM asked whether I had the spell components. We had never worried about spell components before, but I had a look. Warding bond requires 2 platinum rings. I remembered we had found some rings in a much earlier session during a dungeon crawl, so I looked back through my notes. We had found 2 platinum rings, but we had sold them. I told the party we still had them, and proceeded to cast the spell. Buy it gets worse...In a later campaign I took over dming, and my previous DM was playing a cleric. She cast warding bond on a party member, so I asked her...does she have the spell components? She did not, so the spell was not cast. Oh dice Christ, please forgive me for my shady inventory keeping!

The Magic Strugglebus

Cliff Notes: They stole the boat and hijacked the entire campaign. Dear Supreme Crit Justices and person who eventually relented to take my coat at the door and is currently eating an old lifesaver I left in the pocket. Years ago, my D&D group lost their DM and I inherited the role. As a first time DM, I may have went a little overboard with prep, and meticulously designed a new campaign on an island full of mysterious creatures and civil conflicts. Justices, I mapped every river, tributary, and granary on my island. But 5 minutes into my intro, I mentioned the boat they were taking to said island and that was the last time we talked about the island. What followed was them working together to steal the captain’s lock box, and with a nat 20, convince the captain that they were just the trustworthy group of adventurers to get to the bottom of this theft. By the time their witch hunt was over, the captain didn’t have any officers to keep himself out of the brig, and they had a boat. I tried to DM the next few pirate adventurer sessions, but I left my heart on my island. Justices, Should I have railroaded this table of shitheads, or did I do right, letting them strip down and sell the train for parts? XOXO, Chris C. PS: Since then I have only DMed modules, but it always feels more like being a step parent.

who_wolf

To the buff and gorgeous justices and that whisp of a baliff...Juice I think, it doesn't matter. Though my campaign disbanded on good terms one question still perturbs me; how do you deal with a long-winded dungeonmate? Don't get me wrong he was a nice dude and all but I could legit feel my soul leave and return to my tired body multiple times during his turn. Some weeks my gf had to talk me back from the ledge to return for a game cause this guy was soooo long winded it was maddening. Anyways, if that was your pet peeve would you say anything to your DM and if so what? Thanks, i appreciate you all.(except Jake in case of a tie). P.S. I'm high and drunk on the can as I write this if that matters. Love you all!

Rebecca

To the bone dry justices and the slightly soggy bailiff, I bring to you the case of the OP spider. I’ll cut straight to the point. It was our final session. I was playing an Elven Warlock named Alanis, as it is a dope ass name and whoever came up with it is quite cool. We were trying to finish up the quest we were given and had ended up in a field equidistant from a wizard tower (our end goal) and a random city. So we determine to go to the tower. This was apparently contrary to what the dm had planed. The DM moaned a bit about us not going to his cool city, then got a funny look in his eye and narrated my character’s shoe getting stuck in the mud. So I narrate taking my foot out, pulling out the shoe, and then putting my foot back in. SURPRISE! In the shoe was a spider that then bit me and poisoned me without a save. That poison PARALYZED ME INSTANTLY and the DM was adamant that I would be unable to move for the next three days. And that’s how the campaign ended. A full year of play finished with my character paralyzed in the mud with no story arcs completed. So I ask you this, was the DM right to “railroad” us in such a way? All in all it doesn’t really matter, this is just a thing that will come to mind every once in a while and I’ll get pissed off all over again. I await your response. PS: I have many examples of this dm being……interesting in his rulings but that is a case for another day

ShrimplyAwesome

Dear most honorable Justices, the exalted wife worm bailiff Axford, and that one guy named Jorkinit I think? I bring you the case of the Hijacked Heartfelt Gesture. I’m in a home game with my now fiancée Rowan and “Sarah” whose wife “Syd” DM’s for all of us. Currently we’re on a mission to depose an evil king that my character helped put in power during his backstory. Our last session ended with us discovering a rebel camp and deciding to spend a couple days with them to plan before continuing our journey to the capital. Towards the end of that session I privately asked the DM if the camp blacksmith could make a dagger from a crystal my fiancées character liked and some brass knuckles made from a rare ore we found, for my character to give my fiancée and Sarah’s characters respectively, to which the DM said yes. Now Justices, all I expected was for these weapons to be cute little mementos that represented our journey thus far, as both Sarah and my fiancée play spell casters and don’t really use melee weapons much. So imagine my surprise when the next session roles around and the dagger I had made turns out to be a +1 viscous dagger. Sounds great right? Well it would if it weren’t for the fact that right after my fiancée got her dagger, Sarah gets her brass knuckles along with a two page description detailing all the magical stuff and extra damage they can do. Justices am I in the wrong for feeling like there’s some preferential treatment going on or should I just be happy that one of the little trinkets I had made could potentially one-shot the BBEG? P.S. My fiancée plays a sorcerer and Sarah plays a Druid and the Brass knuckles were completely home-brewed as far as I can tell.

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort

If it please the court: I’ve been running Season of Ghosts for about a year for my wonderful group. The campaign mostly takes place in a small, isolated town of tight knit villagers. My brother has been playing a human cleric. Daughter of a rich family who left her wealth behind to spread word of her faith, her steadfast optimism and dedication has earned her the admiration of the locals, as well as the rest of the party. In our last session, he joked that she should take a penalty on a stealth check because of her size. We asked him how big she was, and he revealed that she’s seven feet tall. This brought the session to a halt. As the GM, I could never shock the players the way this did. They asked why he hadn’t mentioned her height before, and he said “it’s never come up.” He said he’d written her height on her character sheet, and as part of her intro had told us “she’s tall.” Some other players were wondering if or how their characters had never noticed just how tall she really is. He repeated “Its never come up” and that he didn’t see why it was a big deal. Are we right to be shocked by this reveal? Are we being height biased? Should we make character height a mandatory part of session 0 in future campaigns? We will solemnly accept any verdict. If it matters, he’s 6’1.

Cade the Bard

I come to you today to ask if I did my PCs dirty, or did I give them all they needed ahead of time, and they just didn't see it. When I first started GMing, I devised an epic campaign centered around three ancient orbs of power. They were, simplified, Orb of Power (Arcane), Orb of Might (Marshall), Orb of the Divine. My PCs, a Paladin, a Wizard, and a Cleric, all did well throughout the campaign. They were told the orbs were evil, even learned, when they touched their first one, they *almost* got taken over by it, but the will save was just enough to fight it off. From that point on, they kept them wrapped and shoved deep in a bag to prevent them from accidentally being touched. The campaign went on, they found them all, traveled to the place they knew they could destroy them, and set about to do so. In a last-ditch effort, the orbs sent them images of what they wanted. The Paladin, before destroying the orb of Might, saw armies of good Paladins to train and lead, the Cleric saw images of heading up ceremonies to her goddess and teaching the next generation, and the wizard a vast library like no other. All they had to do was say "Yes". These images were as real to them as could be, as if they were seeing their own future. Of the three, only the wizard stopped and said, "This isn't real, I will it away," and thus, broke the images, and was able to destroy her orb. The other two, however, took the deal and became corrupted by their orbs. They would then later come back in my next campaign as twisted and corrupted versions of themselves that saw only what the orbs wanted them to, since they had allowed it in. They thought they were doing good, but in fact, the orb made them see fighting evil, when in reality, they were fighting the very things they wished to protect and serve. The two that failed said I didn't give them enough information, and they had been tricked, but, I feel they had been so careful already...surely they would have seen this coming. I beseech you to give a ruling on this that I may put my conscience to rest. If I did them wrong, then I bow to your mercy.

Z Juhn

Dear Lords of the Crits, and that guy who was once in the same video as star of the Sonic Movie franchise, Ben Schwartz. I come to you with the tale of "Pickle" the Barbarian. Many years ago, my middle school did a Clubs night where new students could come and try out different clubs. Me and another friend went to a then very popular board game club, where one table at particular was running DND. Having never played, we sat down at the table, where the DM gave us both some premade character sheets, saying we just had to fill in stuff like Name and Backstory. With little choice, I ended up with the barbarian, and before I could even finish writing down the name I wanted, an older student walked up behind me and said "Oh! You're playing the barbarian? You have to name him Pickles!" Apparently he and the DM (as well as a few other people at the table) were already in a DM group, where they had an epic character named Pickles the Barbarian, and they wanted my character to be an homage to that character, even though I didn't know them or Pickles. I was essentially strong armed into having my name be Pickles, saying that it could be a "nickname" and the character name I had chosen, long forgotten in a chant of Pickles, was basically ignored. The session went horribly, with two of the DMs friends basically hijacking the session and killing every NPC they interacted with, while me and my forgotten friend tried desperately to stop them, our cries ignored by the DM. Was it wrong for the table to force me to play Pickles the Barbarian, even for a 2 hour one shot in the basement of our school? I know there wasn't a lot of time, but I feel like there's no point in giving custom characters if what little customization is taken out of your hands. PS. There was a photographer for the yearbook at the event. When the yearbook came out, one of the friends had (unintentionally) blocked me completely from the photo, making it seem as if I wasn't there at all.

CrowsNestCraft

Hey there, I come asking.. forgiveness? I am typically a DM and the last DnD campaign I ran was a group of children(including my 9yo daughter) at my local library I was volunteering at. One of the sessions I rolled soooo many nat 20s and the encounter was already a bit too strong for them so I fudged rolls and nerfed the encounter. Fast forward, I have been mainly running Monster of the Week that uses D6’s for over a year, so that D20 hadn’t been used for a year. I pulled it out of my drawer to use as a player in a Frost Maiden campaign I’m in. I rolled 5 nat ones in that session, but ended with a clutch nat 20 as a final roll. I was under the impression that fudging rolls on children is the one exception in dice Christ’s eyes, so why was I punished and did I deserve it? P.S: I have been in the Frost Maiden campaign for 3 sessions before that, but I used my NADDPOD Pawpaw dice. They treated me well, it’s just the dice I used to fudge rolls on the kids.

Cody Gustafson

Brian Murphy. Damn just damn. I’ve seen the new d20 and good job man. You got it.

Dustimus

Dear most honorable justices, I've got a story about one of my players. As a fun homebrew item, I let my party have a juicer "that can juice *anything*." It was all in good fun until my friend started pushing limits—it was funny, however, so I kept letting him escalate it. First, the juicer would only work on things big enough to fit in it, but he took the interpretation of *anything* to mean *anything*. He decided to juice a magical item—a sword, if I'm remembering correctly. I let him drink it, and I gave him the enchantment from the sword until he eventually did a long rest, where I told him he urinated and lost the effect. Everything was fun and games until he met one of the gods of the campaign. He proceeds to produce the juicer, use the juicer, juice the god, drink the god, and become a god. At that point, I was fully willing to just let him ascend into the Pantheon and roll a new character, but he decided he wanted to role-play out what would happen next. He goes on a spree, drinking each god and gaining their power before eventually becoming the one remaining god above all. It's hilarious and I'm glad it happened, but I also feel like kind of a pushover. Would you have allowed this to happen? It was really, really funny.

Toni

What did the other players do while this one was off spree juicing gods??

Dustimus

Laughed mostly. It was a small group and we all sort of have the same sense of humor.

Wren Ash-Piper

Bless me Dice Christ for I have sinned. This is my first (and hopefully only) confession.I submit for your adjudication the confession of the fudged decapitation role. I had been playing in a campaign with my husband and 3 of his friends for almost a year but only about 7 sessions. From the beginning it was clear that my husband, our DM and I were interested in a slightly more grounded campaign with some shenanigans sprinkled in at appropriate times whereas the other two PCs, we’ll call them Kyle and Richard, were content to have a 1000% shenanigans campaign based on characters who were drunk all the time. We play over discord because our DM is based in a different country. Richard ended up being consistently distracted and disconnected from the sessions, often joined while running errands, playing shows in the background, or having dinner with his parents. He missed significant portions of the session, including both lore dumps and combat. Even missed out session 0 and didn’t look at any of the lore- causing him to create a character with a partially world-breaking backstory. As the only woman of the group, I felt uncomfortable voicing my discontent for fear of seeming shrewish. I do not happen to be terribly fond of Richard for a variety of reasons, not the least of which includes opposing political views. All of this brings me to the night of my offense. We had finished a fight in a suspicious town with an enchantment that had been mysteriously broken without us knowing. Our DM heavily hinted that despite being out of initiative something still was off about the town. Richard’s druid decides to go sleep in the trees outside of the town while the others were sleeping in an abandoned inn. Surprise surprise, Richard is attacked- by Actual Cannibal Shia Lebouf. We fight him and win by the skin of our teeth. again we all try to go for a long rest but this time with us doing watches in shifts- except Richard is still sleeping in the forest. Everyone else was resting in or around the inn but he just “wouldn’t do that.” My barbarian was doing the first patrol around and Richard gets attacked again. I truly debated whether or not to save him. But I did begrudgingly since I was the only one who could get to him fast enough. As we fight Actual Cannibal Shia Lebouf, we are struggling and our DM says that we find out through magic communication scroll that we need to decapitate him to kill him all the way and the only way we can do that is with a nat20. The fight goes on for two more rounds and Kyle has told us that he has to sign off by 12:00am because he has work in the morning. It is rapidly approaching midnight and our party is looking worse for wear as we are only level 3. I rolled my attack and got an 18, obviously not a nat20 but I said it anyways and narrated an artful decapitation. In between sessions, the election happened and the rift between myself and Richard was deepened. Ultimately, after several discussions with the DM about the interpersonal issues with undertones of political anxiety and the future of the campaign, we decided to subtly kick Richard out and continue on without him. the campaign continues on a less than monthly basis but i can’t help but think of how we retcon killed his druid. Deacons of the dice, I humbly ask for your forgiveness. Did I rob Richard of a just campaign send-off because of our beefy background or do it just be like that sometimes? PS. Since this role, I have made an effort to roll in front of my husband every time to keep me honest. I also told my husband about what I did as he and Richard were closer despite me knowing Richard longer.

Dave Rife

To the humble clergy of the church of Dice Christ and that guy from Jake and the Fat Man. I come to you wracked with guilt over the misuse of a difribulator. I play in a monthly game amongst strangers at my FLGS where we play the same characters each month but at different tables with different players and GMs. This particular session featured 2 wizards, a rogue, a fighter and me, a battle smith artificer. At the beginning of the session the fighter asked if anyone had any healing powers. We had just turned level 9 so I had acquired "Arcane Jolt." I said that I had something, which while not much was more than the nothing the rest of the group was packing. When we finally got to our big bad of the month the fighter charged in, knowing that I promised to help them stay up as best I could. 3 rounds later the fighter fell and failed their first death save. On my turn I attacked the already vey bloodied baddie and hit fairly hard. This is where I failed my comrade in arms. After a successful attack with a magic weapon Arcane Jolt let's you chose to do either an additional deal 2d6 force damage or heal someone nearby for that same amount. My thirst for glory got the better of me and I went for the extra damage and rolled a 3. Not enough to take him down. Finally, the poor fighter rolled a 1 on his next death save, taking him out of the game. I seek Dice Christ's forgiveness on my sin of being a glory hog and will endure whatever penance that may be laid at my feet. If it helps, the player got to roll a new character at level that has become a table favorite.

Khakimonkey

Dear Wife-Wyrm, and the Supreme Crit justices who are beholden to her whims, I present to you today the case of The Nat 20 initiative Injustice. 
 To set the stage, our party of four level 6’s including my character, a half-orc barbarian named Gblorg (the g is silent), are pursuing a giant otherworldly serpent, and upon encountering it, it raises a chunk of the earth with all of us into the sky, and we roll initiative. I manage to roll a natural 20, and the session ends. 
The next session, the singular enemy not only manages to outspeed my barbarian, (it was later revealed to have also rolled a natural 20), but has a unique lair action. On initiative 20, the creature would mark sections of the ground to be hit by lightning at initiative 0, which would then damage anyone on said land and destroy it, sending them to the abyss below. 
 My barbarian had an initiative of 22 total. There was never any chance for my barbarian to ever dodge the lightning, and when I pointed it out, the DM simply had me make a dexterity saving throw to grab a ledge when I was inevitably hit. My barbarian managed to survive, by some good rolls and a clever use of the enlarge spell by a party member, but I still think it was grossly unfair for me to have been punished by simply rolling well.

 Justices, am I right to think I should’ve been given a chance to dodge said lightning? 
Or was my DM right for raising the stakes of the battle even higher?

 P.S. My DM did later allow me to survive the 500 foot drop when the platform crashed using my relentless endurance, which was pretty damn badass, so please take that into account if sentencing against them.

Insufficiently Caffeinated

I beg the court's assistance in healing a rift that has torn my family asunder. (Jake may need to recuse himself, as the case involves cake.) I've been DMing a campaign for my husband and my two kids, because I am a Cool Mom, Not Like the Other Moms. Their characters wandered into the Feywild, where my daughter's character was recruited as a participant in "Is It Cake?", the Feywild's favorite show: she had to roll performance checks in each challenge, and the other characters could give her advantage by successfully encouraging the audience to root for her. I thought things went well: it was challenging, but my daughter's character won -- and then, of course, the mimics posing as cakes-that-didn't-look-like-cakes attacked the host of the show, battle ensued, and the party emerged victorious. Here's the part where my family falls apart like a poorly stacked layer cake: my son and husband argued that I should have had my daughter roll skill checks with her proficiency bonus, since it has been established that her character has proficiency as a baker. I argued that it was a TV show, and that since the appearance of the cake mattered, asking for a performance roll was most appropriate. My daughter sided with me, even though she had only a +1 to performance. (Full disclosure: by "this has torn my family asunder," I mean that we had a jokey disagreement about it for about five minutes, and I'm pretty sure my husband has forgotten about it entirely at this point, but I'm happy to bring it up again if you rule that I'm in the right. If it helps, you can strike this parenthetical for the record and instead say that the argument was very dramatic and that my husband and son have been wearing Grinch suits in protest ever since the incident.) We will respectfully abide by your ruling.

Mnixon

Dear court, Thanks, :)

Figgy the Cat

Dear reasonable, admirable and amenable judges. And also, Hi Em! I come with a case of a too forgiving party. My friend came to me at work asking for my advice on his situation: He has played 5 sessions with a new group, he knows 1 other person and are brothers in-game. Of these 5 sessions, 4 of them has resulted in TPK's (minus the wizard) but because of the wizard. Ie: casting fireball...always, no thoughts, 0 brain cells. The party then sits for up to an hour, EVERY session waiting for the wizard and the dm to roleplay and/or retcon what the wizard has done in order to revive the party and continue the story. Judges, and the endless creative spell slinger herself, I ask what your advice would be for my friend. I know the wizard is wrong to always cast fireball, resulting in the barn burning while the party sleeps, but is the DM also wrong for allowing this?! What should this multi-revived brother do? P.s. my advice was to bring up how being killed and revived hurts and takes a toll on the soul, thus, letting the wizard know that its not fun for in-game and out. Then if that didn't work, to bring it up to the DM out of game and tell them you're not having fun anymore. Then if all else fails, it's Murphs favorite punishment: just get new friends! Thanks!!

QuadDamaged

Beloved Justices, and new and improved bailiff - seriously you should have seen the old one: I submit to the court a case of not once, not twice, but thrice-stolen identity, and lack of proper compensation ensuing. "Symbol Of Deliciousness", aka. Delicious, aka. "The Fairy Chef Previously Known As Muscade" - a level 9 Fairy Bard who spreads culinary joy by stuffing non-euclidean muffins in the pockets of his comrades as bardic inspirations - has had his identity stolen by his DM on too many occasions: First, by signing a contract sharing his name and character with a Djinn in order to be allowed to leave the Fey Court, and spread Cuisine around the world - fair one might say, but this was done by my DM without player knowledge before the start of the campaign, and I discovered this after investigating several fast-food inns named after my character that advertised using his likeness. Second, our culinary artist got caught helping a warlock companion free his patron, and triggered a spell from an Ancient One that bent reality. To escape, he gave-away his will to reclaim his identity and had to reinvent himself as an up-and-coming Fey Patron. Once again, fair is fair, and as they say "Ai Ai Yog-Sothoth, two in the bush." Third, and this should qualify as entrapment, a pan-dimensional shopkeeper sold me an armor made of excerpts of old stories. Yes, entrapment I say! Which Bard would refuse to wear Plot Armor? The price to pay: There is now a clone of my character roaming the multiverse, doing - and most importantly cooking - gods know what! After having my identities ripped from me, and seeing my character sheet scarred with whiteout, I figured that several contracts signed in the past with various thieve guilds and/or warlocks would be null and void as according to The Old Ways, they should be transferred to those who now wield my name, face & soul. My DM said no. Please help before I break bad and make others Never be Heard From Again. Signed: I am not really sure at this point.

Gom

Dear jocular Judges and buffoon bailiff, The party, lets call everyone Michelle, The Rock, Ludacris and me aka Vin, have been playing this campaign for about a year. It is a largely political intrigue game focused heavily on rp. The combats we do have are almost always deadly, and Murph I don’t mean XP goal deadly in this very case I mean 3 CR 13 Vampires vs the party of 4 lvl 9 PCs. The combat went poorly for many reasons including rooftop combat with The Rock not having access to climbing speed or flight in any way. The combat is coming to a close where Michelle and Ludacris are down, The Rock is at ⅓ hp and I, Vin, am the healthiest at ¾ hp. I, Vin, suggest we need to turn tail and run. Michelle is very dedicated to killing one of the vampires for story reasons and has decided “I live my life, a quarter mile at a time” basically we gotta fight. I, Vin, bring said vampire down to the 1 hit range. Michelle absolutely beefs it on her turn and then so does Ludacris. Looks like we’re all about to become Brian O’Connor. Suddenly a question is brought up by Michelle “Hey DM what is the likelihood of successfully cashing in that favor now?” No other player at the table knows what this means. The DM says well you can try and takes Michelle to a private chat, we’ve all had private chats before don’t worry. After about four minutes, two mysterious d100 rolls, and a mysterious charisma save they come back to the main chat. We are informed that a magical portal takes us across the continent and the session wraps. I, Vin, hate this sudden deus ex machina. Death has been shown as a real threat in fact we have even TPK’ed before, funnily enough to this same vampire. So I, Vin, go to the DM and say that us suddenly getting saved feels cheap, making the threat of that fight basically non-existent after the fact, I, Vin, also did not like that a singular party member could unknowingly make deals that affect the whole party and finally using a divine intervention like mechanic for a non-warlock/paladin/cleric PC was taking away a cool tool from another player. The DM comes back heated and says essentially three counter points over the chat. 1. “It is my world if I want any PC to be able to make deals I can, it is not your place to tell me the divine intervention mechanic goes with another class.” 2. “The teleport taking away tension is subjective, just cause you don’t know the cost doesn’t mean there isn't any, plus I am tired of a rotating cast of characters.” and 3. “This was not a party wide deal at all it was a teleport that took all willing people and obviously you would all be willing, you could not be willing if you want” The conversation ended with no real understanding of what I was trying to get across and all I, Vin, learned is don’t bring up anything serious because even small things set off the DM. Should I have just kept it to myself?

Jules V

My humble justices and audacious bailiff, I present the case of, “My DM made my character piss themself.” I have been in a dnd group for over a year now playing through Curse of Strahd. We originally attended sessions rotating houses, but are currently online as the DM temporarily moved away for work. Most sessions have been great and everyone gets along very well. We’ve even done a couple of outings to dinner and escape rooms outside of D&D My character Markos, an elf gloomstalker ranger/rouge went to the country of Barovia in search of his long lost adventuring mentor, Warrin. After a long journey, Warrin was eventually discovered chained in a dungeon run by Strahd. We recused him only to discover that it was in fact a changeling pretending to be Warrin, and after my character was stabbed in his sleep by the changeling, he killed the creature with the face of his beloved mentor. Crushed, the next day we arrive at a dungeon and I am immediately separated from the other 4 party members and am exploring the area with a few npcs. We encounter strange psychic creatures, who begin to probe our minds. With no role to be made, the DM then narrates how years ago when my character was a young adult, there was an instance where I needed to relive myself in a busy market, but couldn’t find a proper bathroom. He then describes that my character fully pisses themselves, and the crowded area notices and mocks them, and that he feels that deep shame as these creatures look into his mind. Justices and bailiff, am i wrong fit feeling like I’m being kicked while down? I’ve never described my backstory like this and i don’t see the narrative point for a peeing your pants memory to even exist or come up in this context. I feel like I’m being set up for failure at every turn. There hasn’t been any outside drama, as we’ve been all online for a couple months. Should I speak to the DM about being picked on or is this just a party of a larger journey that just feel pretty pissy at the current moment?

Anuj Chowdhuri

Yooooo judges and baby pig bailiff, May it please the court. i play in a campaign w my friend a new DM who recently turned a book she was writing centered around a post cataclysm Underworld from greek mythology into a dnd campaign! we so far have only played a session zero and she green lit a Similar 1 Barbarian/2 Druid multiclass to ylfa from neverafter complete with a Reskinned shifter (blood wolf a Werewolf with a wolf personality/human personality in their body). i have been wanting to play a Circle of Dreams druid to have the ability to heal while being a masochistic sack of hit points forever! while we were trying to discuss the way to mechanically reflect the fact that my wolf was magically fucked up in some way that allowed them to wild shape (ex. into a wolf w 8 legs as opposed to a giant spider). In our discussion, she called me a power gamer and said i was cheating the system with this build as she didn’t think i should be able to wild shape, rage, and heal all at once. As we continued to talk, i conceded to a different build that still allowed a raging healer (2 peace cleric/1 barbarian) that made more narrative sense in her world since she saw no magic to contaminate in the werewolf’s transformation to explain wild shape. i completely understand the narrative reasons to change the build and the less generous read one could give to dream druid’s bonus action heals while raging. Judges, is she right, am i a Power gamer and a Cheater? I lay before the court as a masochistic sack of hit points myself accepting of any punishment you lay before me.

Mr. Hyde’n’sneak

To the venerable justices, the bubbly bouncing bailiff, and that guy we’re still waiting to see on 8-bit book club! I bring you the case of the custody rug unknowingly ripped from underneath my feet. About two years ago I joined a couple of my siblings and their friend in a weekly dnd campaign that my brother DM’s. When I first joined they were debating on how to sell a manticore egg they found as my sister (playing a male paladin) was sick of taking care of it. I immediately offered raise the egg myself being a circle of stars Druid & soul-knife Rouge multiclass and having Axford levels of animal love. After 10 months of real time and roleplaying constant doting parenthood ie; making sure the egg is warm and protected, skin to shell contact, and even getting advice on future care and potential struggles from a friendly beast master ringmaster, I was checking on the egg alone during some downtime where the party was split and off shopping. My DM said that I heard a noise and saw a crack appear! He then narrated how everyone came back from shopping at that exact moment and made us all roll an animal handling check. I didn’t think much of it because I had been rolling for this egg for months but I still got a 24! My sister who originally gave up the egg rolled super well and got a 25. My brother then described how the little baby manticore emerges from the egg and immediately Imprints on my sister’s paladin believing him to be the true parent!! I was flabbergasted! And involuntarily let out a verbal, “oh no” to which my sister immediately tried to retcon the ruling. I told them Dice Christ has his story to tell and apologized for ruining the mood with my verbal spout but I ask you honorable clerics of the crit was my DM right to bring the parenthood down to one final roll? Should I have gotten full custody based on how much was already invested?? Or was my dm right in narrating the scene of my child’s birth and leaving me empty nested.? I lay myself at the mercy of the court. Also I have some parenting books for sale if Jake or Caldwell are looking.

Brian Edwards

The coolest and cruelest judges on the bench and the savviest bailiff, I present to you the case of the Chaotic Multiclasser. Recently I was playing a 1 shot in a local D&D group that uses their own leveling up system where you register a character and level up by playing sessions in the group. This way, as you level up, you can play at higher level tables. If your character dies then you need to make a new one and start essentially from scratch. This session was for Level 5-8 characters. I found myself playing with a player who brought in a Rogue/Wizard/Warlock multiclass PC. Even the DM wondered how that could work to which he replied "I don't know either". The whole game was essentially him saying "This is what my character would do" and offering up crazy plans that were either half baked or never paid off including writing letters to the Warden of the prison we were infiltrating that were never read aloud; offering to be a distraction by Disguise Selfing into a little girl who just shows up in the prison, and offering to burn down the prison as we were trying to stealth to find our contact person. We basically had to put our foot down more than once so as to not get caught by the guards or outright killed. Judges, what do you do when a player is determined to get their character and potentially the rest of the party killed?

Nadia the Dice Druid

To the Brilliant Bailiff Emily, and Jesting Justices Murph, Caldwell, and Jake, I come before you, ashamed but not as repentant as I should be. In an online campaign, playing my Aberrant Mind sorcerer, I cast Suggestion on our barbarian to convince him to wear a clearly magical crown. None of us could identify it, and someone had to test it, right? I was hoping for a thinking cap situation, but that’s beside the point. I figured with a fighter, a paladin, and a ranger in the party, we could restrain him if anything went sideways. It was fun, until it wasn’t. Upon a failed Wisdom saving throw, the DM ruled that the cursed crown possessed him and it seemed that we were incapable of removing it. Our barbarian began a violent and tyrannical rampage and chaos reigned. Treasure was lost, alliances crumbled, and more than one of our PCs was put to rest. As you might imagine, the party is not happy with me. So I ask for trial by combat or quest, a ruling or sentence to redeem myself and perhaps one day rejoin the group chat. I await your judgement, A Mostly Sorry Sorcerer

Barely Competent Roll-Players

To the suave and smexy judges ams thr beautiful worm lady Emily. Oh amd Jake is there. Man imagine being so lame right be named Jake...couldn't be me. Anyways I present the story of the time I shouod have died. Long story short we are playing Curse of struad fighting one of his wives in a duel. She had said it was to test us not kill us so she wouldnt use high level spells if we followed the rules. (We where like level 5 at that time) we said we where trying to kill her so no rules. She was a bladesinger so I used heat metal so she couldnt use her swords. We did way better than our dm expected which was frustrating him. But out paladin went down so I went to heal him. But when I did she used bigbys hand and attacked me and critted. I was already low and she did over my maxed health in negative. (I was a warlock) so I declared "I am dead'l" My dm chucked and said "you mean down right?" And I responded with "Oh no she did so much damage I am outright dead." He looked shocked since he was a new dm. I had died before and my other friend who was a dm looked over and confirmed I was in fact very dead. My current dm freaked out not meaning ti have killed me outright and insited that I didnt die. And I instead lost and limb. Which everyone agreed it was fine. But to be honest im kinda miffed I didnt die. The game lost some steaks after that and fizzled out so ee never finished. I always think back and wish my dm had just committed and killed my ass. I probably should have said something but he was new and no one else wanted me to die but I'm still a little disappointed I didn't. Please sentence my dm to start snd run this game again so we can finish it or sentence me for being a masochist who wants to die I guess I dont know I'm not a judge.

terst

Dear all of you beautiful creatures, I bring before you the case of the totally normal guy. My group has been playing a campaign in a homebrew setting for almost a year. Lately a new player joined the party. Enter Richard, a human warlock who goes by Dick. When asked about his appearance, the player said that he's an average looking middle-age guy. When asked about his background, or how did he end up in the dungeon where we found him, he couldn't give any information, claiming amnesia. My character was immediately distrustful of him, and the more time passed the more the sentiment grew as he never shared any info on himself, his past, etc. At first we were expecting some big revelation, something from his past resurfacing, but after a while it became clear that he just hadn't bothered coming up with any background or reading anything about the setting. The only information he gave us was that the character was loosely based on Richard Nixon. In a recent session, with our group on the verge of TPK, my character had to choose between trying to revive him, or keep fighting. Due to his manifest distrust for Dick, he didn't bother helping him and Dick failed his final Death Saving throw. Was I right to do that, or should I have put the group behind my personal distrust and distate and saved him? P.S. the character didn't seem to be bothered at all by Dick's death, and in the end we even managed to resuscitate him.

Marissa Bickford

Dearest Justices and Wormy Bailiff, I humbly (and preemptively) ask the court is it ok to TPK a group of 4th graders? I run an afterschool program with 4th-5th graders playing dungeons and dragons 3 days a week. My kids are rad but also absolutely chaos gremlins and last session I legit told one of them “I’m coming for you”. One of the little beans wanted nothing more than to play Stoic the Vast from How to Train Your Dragon, including a dragon mount. Alas, this drove all the other feral children wild asking why they could not have dragon mounts! Especially one child who, for context rolls up each week with a D20 back pack and the entire monster manual memorized. I had to find a childproof way to tell him that his party member just wanted to be a little guy flying around BUT if I gave him a dragon he would fuck up my day. Unfortunately I lost my argument hard and ended up with a party of 5 level 5 players mounted on adolescence red dragons. At this point I told them that all actions have consequences and that I’m going to have to pull out the biggest baddies for our final session and I will be trying to kill all their mounts. They yelled in protest but I think I was more than fair. Am I the villain? Or do children need to learn the harsh realities of the [fantasy] world sometimes? I lay myself before you.

Lili McGee

Dice Christ, why have you forsaken me?! I alternate between playing in a campaign and running a home brew game. Recently, I went on vacation but HAD scheduled myself back to have plenty of time to prep for the next session. Instead, I extended my trip bailed on my homebrew session for some beachy R&R. Upon my return, a friend ran a one-shot in my place, and we proceeded to roll TWENTY Nat 1s and fifteen Nat 2s. Since then, I haven’t cracked a 10. Did I anger the Dice Gods with sun-soaked betrayal? I beg forgiveness—and a Nat 20 or two.

ThacoIsWacko

Oh glorious paragons of dice justice, and baliff Tucker, May it please the court: Back in the olden days, circa 2006, I was running a 3.5 game that saw the characters go all the way from lev 1 to lev 20 and beyond. Along their path, the party came upon a 100 foot cliff they had to climb. Easy, right? Not when there's a giant up top, tossing 100lb boulders at the climbers. Cut to ~Ian~. Ian's a gnome...I forget his class, probably fighter. He also has gauntlets granting him a 22 strength. As boulders rain down, Ian argues that he can catch these boulders since they're only 100lbs. The amateur physicist in me knows that F=MA, so those boulders aren't even close to 100lbs by the time they arrive. Some napkin calculations gave me a (wrong) answer to the weight that Ian still would not have been able to lift (my math said 10,000lbs, but was deeply flawed) I ruled he could try to deflect them, because this discussion was quickly becoming heated. It worked, the game went well, and I'm still Forever-DMing for all those folks, but they'll razz me to this day. * What I haven't told them is that years after the fact, I talked to my chemist friend about converting Newtons to pounds, because my math didn't account for that conversion. He texted me this thing that you don't have to read on-air: F = m·a = kg·m·s^-2 = N Where: m = 100 lbs a = 9.8 m·s^-2 kg·m·s^-2 × (2.20462 lbs / 1 kg) = lbs·m·s^-2 lbs·m·s^-2 × (0.3048 m / 1 ft) = lbs·ft·s^-2 - Putting it all together, just take your force in N, and multiply it by 0.6720 and it will give you what you need. I have never run these numbers, because I'm scared Ian would be proven right. I'd ask the justices to rule, but I only have ears for Tucker.

kroggydo

Card christ confession??? My homebrew campaign saw my characters escape into the fey wild to find the archfey of magic to help repair a sacred elven relic. Upon arrival the crew has found themselves in the middle of a tournament between the Seelie and Unseelie court for the favor of the archfey of magic who moves independently between the courts. Upon arrival they notices an exotic tent with a goblin hosting the deck of many things for them to draw if they did him a favor. Upon completeing the request the crew recieved a tarot style prophecy from the deck (thank you book of many things for the awesome dm tool) each player was allowed to declare draws from the deck. And all but one of my characters recieved amazing cards, but the one character who didn't grabbed cards that cancelled eachother out, and declares more draws. Now it might have just been the electric atmosphere (or the extra strength "potions" we had been drinking all session) but we let him draw more, and the new cards were even crazier (he ended up drawing 5 cards in total), and basically would have broken the game. So after some retrospect and a glass of water, I decided to retcon then events by making the goblin in charge of the deck who had cartomancer abilities, rewrite time using the fates card, and offering the player 1 last chance, to draw from a modified deck, but be bound to draw again in the future when the deck demands it, or to walk away. He ended up drawing again and accepting the curse, but I still sometimes feel guilty for not letting the cards enact their will. I ask for forgiveness

Dubjubs

Dice Christ Confession: Howdy clergy, I apologize in advance for how crazy this is but I feel like I have to share it. I have a tale that spans over a decade in the past. A group of friends (who today are no longer friends so shoutout to getting new friends) wanted to play more DND after our first few 3.5e and Lost Mines of Phandelver forays. I wanted to DM and converted the old Temple of Elemental Evils campaign from the world of Greyhawk into 5e (this was like 2015). I used to record my DMing sessions so I could listen to them afterwards and take notes so I could stay focused in the moment. I went back recently to listen for 'nostalgia' and had to admit I was a little hard on the problem player- but not much more than the rest of the table imo. I had some beef with said player that influenced my DMing to unfavor them. Almost everything happened off table and I tried to squash it to keep the peace. I won't elaborate too much because I could literally go on for hours. One example of being too harsh is my players accidentally burnt down a village's crops, and I ruled that the problem player (a warlock) used a spell to try to 'blow' the fire out but I ruled he caused the flames to get worse by feeding it oxygen vs. allowing the white dragonborn barb using his breath weapon to help put it out. I feel like my player had an idea and I shut it down too quickly in favor of 'reality' than recognizing their desire to solve the problem. Worst examples of player behavior outsode of the table: they were weirdly homophobic (yes, weirdly) and an incel; starved their own pets to death, stole human blood and pointed a -thankfully- unloaded gun at people as a 'joke' (including me which caused an altercation). I gave them the benefit of the doubt for a long time because I tried to see the best in people but I couldnt do it anymore. The worst of these happened withim a year or so after the DND game fell apart and led to the friend group/roommate sitch unraveling. Once again: shout out to getting rid of bad people in your life. But I digress- I have run some limited one shots and short lived games, but feel that I am cursed from the rancid vibes of my first DMing opportunity. I prostrate myself in front of the clergy for absolution, and to bless my future DM and player endeavors. With all love and respect, Your loyal servant Dubjubs P.S. have y'all ever thought about having a conclave to elect the head of the Church of Dice Christ? As a long lapsed Catholic I eat this shit up so thanks for doing it.

Brian Edwards

Dice Christ hates kids, I guess?

CrowsNestCraft

2 of which had significant learning delays. So take what you want from that about this so called messiah

Dan H

Hoping yinz can provide some closure for me on this one because my wife is tired of hearing about it. Back in 2020, I was playing in my first campaign and my first nat 20 moment was so anticlimactic it still haunts me to this day. Our five person party had been locked in a dungeon with all of our limbs bound to the wall. We had to succeed on strength checks to free each limb individually. I had been rolling poorly and the other parties members each had a few successes, but I remained fully bound. I finally succeeded, nat 20. As a fan of naddpod prior to playing, I expected something cool to happen for my nat 20, nope, I freed one arm the same way everyone else did. Next person goes, rolls a 12, gets a limb free. I have DMed a few times since then and I always like to go wild for nat 20s, so I can’t help but feel like a cool moment of busting out of some bindings for my first nat 20 was taken away. Please help me, my relationship can’t handle much more.

lawless-crows

dear fergalicious judges and the so delicious bailiff emily, i present the case of my players unionizing against me. i dm a homebrew campaign with 3 of my high school friends. to incentivize them to do the recaps with detail and flavor, i give the recapper an inspiration dice ranging from a d4 to a d12 based on quality and vibes. my one rule is they must use it in the same session they recapped, to prevent them from being saved and used later. besides, they’ll have an opportunity in each session to earn another one! one of my players (who, totally unrelated, is my long term partner who i live with) forgot to use his inspiration dice. he asked if he could use it in the next session, and i said no, but he could recap again and get a new one. instead, he went on strike and refused to recap. fine, i have 2 other players. another player did the recap for a bit, but then he forgot to use his inspiration. after the session ended and we left the discord call, he texted asking if he could say he used it on his last saving throw. i said no, and he joined the union and refused to recap. folks, they are saying im a union buster. judges, am i wrong for sticking to my rules and not letting these inspiration dice roll over? i think the players are being petty because they can literally just do the next recap, but will follow your instructions/punishment as you see fit. sincerely, a dm who definitely is pro union in real life.

ZoeyHorse (Afterdark)

To Twilight Sparkle Murph, Trixie Caldwell, Starlight Glimmer Emily and annoying dragon baby Spike Jake, I bring you the case of the time that friendship was not magic. I was DMing for my little pony themed d&d, where all the actual main characters had been frozen in time in the middle of Canterlot meaning the day night cycle was not properly functioning. The gang had the knowledge of how to fix this mess by traveling to hidden vaults around Equestria to gain powerful crystals that could solve the issue (filled with antient unicorn technology, breath of the wild style) Quite early on, one of the players (who is very into her roleplaying) let me know that her character, an earth pony fighter named Splinter, probably wouldn't actually want to stay with the party and instead go back to look after her family. This was fine with me, as it meant I had a chance to accommodate her request and add extra motivations for her character, and meant that she could still be having fun too. I then planned to have her family be kidnapped by the Changeling Queen Chrysalis. However, just before the part of the session where this new motivation was going to be added in, a different player character, a Pegasi storm sorcerer named Thundersnow, told the fighter pony that she was fired, due to an altercation they had the previous session. The player for the pegasus hadn't told me about her plan. The fighter pony said "ok" and left to go see her family. This blindsided me completely, and I was left to frantically redo my entire session plan and ended up finishing early, saying that I needed time to work out how to get the gang back together. I have yet to find a soloution since the two characters do not like each other at all. I've never encountered a situation like this before where characters actively don't want to be on the adventure. My Little Judges, should I have warned the other players that Splinter was already close to leaving so they knew not to do anything drastic without warning me first? Lots of love xoxoxo P.S Lou Wilson would be Applejack

dancelikeaman

To the Honorable Supreme Crit and Bailiff Emily, who I'm sure is looking so nice today, I bring a case against Bob the Flaky Cleric … and also, player agency? When I was a beginner DM, I was excited to run a Level 3 one-shot to get practice with combat. The setting was the ruins of an arcane prison-turned-oubliette, and the one-shot “big bad” was a guy XP farming the prisoners. I had a table of six, my 3 usual players and 3 work colleagues we’d never played with before. Cut to the night of the one-shot. Everyone is assembled except for one of these work colleagues, “Bob,” the party’s Cleric. But Bob told me the day before he was “in,” so I’m confident he’s just late. NOPE. It’s fully 30 minutes into the session before Bob texts us (because WE check in with HIM) that he is not coming. However, I’d actually prepped two versions of the one-shot, changing the CR of the monsters. Now that Bob’s flaked, I say, “I think you’re facing a TPK - should we switch an easier version I wrote? I’d just need maybe 15 minutes to edit my session materials.” In MY HEAD, this isn’t even a real question, but to my SHOCK the table says no, they want to go ahead with the TPK. Now I’M stuck having to honor a stupid decision! In the end, it wasn’t a TPK — but ONLY because I decided both the opportunistic “big bad” and the Oni he released to cover him (which disguised itself as a damsel in distress and Charmed the Fighter into being her hero guardian) were more interested in escaping back into the world than in killing the party. Still, one character fully died, and the Fighter was basically incapacitated the whole battle (which, luckily, the player found hilarious). I ended with a somber epilogue, because while they did solve one problem (the adventure McGuffin) they had unleashed some serious baddies into their kingdom. (Which, if I remember right, they collectively decided not to mention to their king.) My main case here is: Bob should be punished, right? For abandoning the party without a warning that would have allowed us/me to adjust the session?* But what’s REALLY bothered me for the whole year since this went down is: Was I wrong to listen to (or ask) my players about sticking with the harder one-shot? Should I have pretended to listen to them but actually secretly changed to the easier version? I try to give my players a lot of agency, but then they do stupid shit like this and I don’t even get to practice the combat mechanics I wanted to practice because I’m too busy doing mental gymnastics saving their dumb asses. * Note that I already lightly punished Bob by keeping the Cleric in the world, naming him Bob, having Bob the Cleric abandon the party in-world, and then having the king blame Bob for the PC’s death and banish him from the kingdom.

Jasen B

To the judges and the highly esteemed bailiff Emily, In my campaign, my party encountered a flying ship carried by a Roc). One of my players, Jack, befriended the bird and wanted to keep him as a pet. I told him that the bird needed to eat a special diet of rare non-native fruit if they wanted it to stay with the party. They quickly found a week's supply of fruit on board, but another character accidentally destroyed it due to a curse. Jack tried and failed to find more in local markets, but knew he could find more in a far away island from a different character’s backstory. So, he decided it would be best to go to the island to start a global fruit trade network so he could buy the fruit in local markets around the map in the future. The rest of the party did not want to do this. They wanted to focus on the urgent, world-ending plot and didn’t really care about the bird. However, Jack was dead set on becoming a fruit tycoon and was ready to abandon the party to keep the Roc. I told him that if he left the party, he would have to make a new character and wouldn't really be able to roleplay having the bird because Jack would be effectively gone from the story. After 10 minutes of arguing with the other PCs, Jack reluctantly agreed to let the Roc go. As he began to mournfully set it free, I described the Roc letting out a sad and confused “Caaw?” Upon hearing this Jack said fuck it, jumped on the back of the bird, left the party, and spent the rest of the session rolling a new character. Some players were mad at the player for ditching the party. While Jack blamed me for making the Roc too sad. But judges, was my player wrong for leaving the party to start an international fruit trade route?

TeamLouie

To the Cutie Patootie Judges and the Bailiff with the Good Laugh™️ I present you the case of the Dungeon master with a grudge? We had a DM take over the helm after the original DM said he wouldn’t have time to do it anymore. Things started off fairly interesting. Until things started getting tedious, like making us narrate turning a doorknob to open a door or having to look in a specific direction before making a perception check. Then he started picking off players. We were in a house where every room had monsters, be it zombies, a mimic, sludge monsters, a book that possessed you, etc. We were in this house for 3 months of game time. Ten 4-hour sessions. He said it could be done in one session and we were just playing it wrong. When I called him out on this, he seemed to start targeting me. He pulled my character into a toilet occupied by a squid, and even though it was adjacent to the room the other characters were in, he said the other characters couldn’t hear my cries for help and started counting until they could hear me. It was 47 seconds. He made me play 7 turns of initiative where I was just getting crushed and eaten by a poop squid before my friends could come and help me. Needless to say I died. And then he would mock my character backstories, first for not being detailed enough, then for being too detailed, or giving him “nothing to go on”. Then he would outwardly say I would take too long on my turns, even making me move seats in my own house so I could sit next to a more experienced player “because I needed the help”, even though there were less experienced and slower players at the table. Despite all this we had a pretty decent friendship outside of the table, at least I thought. We went to cons together, had dinners, he’d pay sometimes. It came to a head one movie night when he came to my house and sat in my usual seat, refused to move, and made me reach over him to grab my nightly medication that was on my side table. Then after the movie, he complimented my girlfriend’s new character backstory and said I should do what she does. This is when I finally confronted him about everything and he acted innocent and shocked. “You think I’m picking on you?” He asked? And when I told him my reasons and all the comments he made and his response was “Well you can’t be good at everything. I’m not your babysitter.” That was when I decided I was gonna leave the campaign because other people were attached to their characters and I didn’t want to break up the table for my grievances. This upset everyone except the DM who happily proclaimed that D&D was now at his house. Other people asked for a resolution and I tried and he refused to budge and to my surprise, the table voted him out and we’ve been playing at my house with our original DM ever since, except for recently when I’ve been trying my hand at DMing. I ask you humbly this. Should I have stuck it out or was I right to have tried to get out of that campaign? Did the DM seem to have it out for me or was that all in my head? I accept any punishment you may give me.

T B

To the Honorable Supreme Crit and the bathykolpian Bailiff. I bring to you the case of ME vs the Public (DND Community). One as common as cambions and combustion - and equally demonic. My problem: I have searched high and low for a game. From online engagements to the dusty corners of a forgotten games shop. However, I simply cannot find a long-term group. The background. My experience is limited - I have only played one proper campaign in my life and that was more than a decade ago. However, my knowledge is deep. As a 38-year-old (meaning the prime of life), I have followed DND lore since the days of increased rest times to memorize higher level spells. However, each time I join a game (usually as a devilishly charistmatic rogue with a penchant for pickpocketing), I am not invited back. Often, they offer polite excuses such as "we appreciate your ambition as a player, but have decided to go with another candidate. Please keep looking at our game postings for future opportunities". So I put it to the court - has the real world "Experience Paradox" - where someone must HAVE experience in order to GAIN experience - leaked into our majestic fantasy world? Or am I a problem player? Should I stop trying to steal gold from my fellow party people in session 1? Or is it a case of the DND public being too prude? What is the best way to find your long-term group? Sincerely, A really really sad and lonely rogue

Beluga, Gunks undersea mount that only drinks dr.p

To the supremely justifiable justified judges and the not so justifiably but ever-presently wormy and trollifiably bailiff, I present you the case of Jailed joke. I play at a small table with my friends that really plays whenever we have time (not often). We were set on a mission to find lost goblins who has gone missing in a nearby mine. We were on a path when we were stopped by 2 “guards”. One of my friends being more outgoing and likening to make people laugh attempted to befriend the guards and proceeded to say, “Have you guys seen any mine-goblins?” The guards responded no and he bursts out saying “Mine-goblin deez nuts!” The table bursts out laughing and the DM rolls to see how well the guards can take a joke. Apparently he rolled poorly because the guards were mad and attempt to arrest him. My friend then proceeded to try to “faint” and act like he was dying or something. The table thought it was a bad idea but it was too late. The dm gleefully said that the guards grabbed him and were going to take him to a nearby jail. The party them spent the next 3 sessions trying to jailbreak him, while he sat there rather stone faced and bored. Judges, was this the fault of our joking bard or was the harsh punishment of jail time from the dm too extensive. I sit in my little froggy chair slurping my slushee obnoxiously loudly awaiting your justifiably justified just justification. (I am reposting this idk if that’s allowed or not?)

Grace Holland

To our most justly judges and the beatific bailiff, I present to you the case of a spell of undo consquence and despair. During a campaign a pc had a missing fiancé that was spotted in a city several days journey north. On our first day of travel that pc said they were constantly looking for their missing love so dm had them roll a perception check. After a bad roll, dm said they spotted the fiancé walking into the woods. Given our intel, i didn't believe this but rather than roll the same check myself I cast animal messenger to see if it lead north or into the woods. We gave the messenger a very detailed description* including long haired, dark blue tiefling with antler horns. The dm had the messenger lead us to a human solider wearing a helmet with antler horns who arrested us on the spot because magic is outlawed there. This severely derailed our quest and later the campaign ended abruptly without ever having found the fiancé. This felt like an unfair consequence for a leveled spell because the solider was so different from the description, but I didn't speak up at the time. Judges, should I have fought back on this or was it within the dms creative rights? I await your judgement on behalf of my darling druid genasi who wanted to be in a throuple with this couple *note: my pc had never met the finance and was using the other pc's description

Panner_Samuel

We had a character player die, and I was a wizard that was so squishy but I had to run to get the undead zombies away from the other players, so I ran into a gas filled room with a pit of water, lit it, and jumped into the water having the ceiling collapse on top of me. All of the pcs worked together to get me out, and it made us work better as a team ! It was fun

Panner_Samuel

I once had a PC insult my enemy Stradh, and I told them out of character that if they made one wrong slip of the lip, I would judge them accordingly. I ripped out their heart in one strike. ☺️thank you judges

zestoflemon

To the tall, towering judges and the teeny, tiny bailif, I present the case of the surprise boss womp: Years ago I was invited to a level 10 boss rush campaign, where each of our characters would be henchmen who were tasked with overthrowing their evil bosses. I craftilly created a 5 barbarian(totem)/5 rogue(swashbuckler) professional wrestler who was stuck in a contract to work for a criminal, ex-wrestler manager. On a mechanical level, I would use my elk totem to speed around arena's and my reckless attack to grant automatic sneak attack on my foes and expertise in athletic to win grapple checks. The first session of the campaign was the boss fight against my boss. Much to my surprise however, on my boss's first turn of combat my ex-pro-wrestler boss ended up actually being two djinn in a trench coat with a magic sword. He immediately hit me with a magic poison blade which poisoned my character for the next 10 minutes, granting disadvantage on my rolls. then, he vanished into the earth to pop up again later. the poison made it impossible for me to gain sneack attack, since having just one source of disadvantage prevents sneak attack, and cannot be overcome but any number of sources of advantage. my whole build had been countered in one turn (with no greater restoration to save me). I was reduced to an all holds barred knife throwing match without any sneak attack damage and my allies cleaned up the fight for me. P.S.: the bosses womping their henchmen ended up being a minor reoccurring theme in the next boss fights, and the later sessions were a blast which allowed me and my fellow PC's builds to shine. P.P.S.: This DM listens to the show and has a wife and child so please keep this in mind for the potential punishment

Philthy

Oh holy Cardinals of the dice Christ conclave. I have to profess I held my tongue at my DMs expense to save my groups hide. In our recent session my group of a divine soul sorcerer peace cleric (myself), our divination wizard, and our soul knife rogue were attacked in the dream realm by a dozen undead wizards. I had fallen twice already when I rolled a nat 1 on death saves when our rogue used his long bow in melee range. Our Dm said that’s fine and let him roll with no disadvantage. Partitioners, I know for certain all campaign we’ve been using the sharpshooter 2014 feat which doesn’t affect melee shots for him rather than the 2024 rule which does. I held my tongue he blasted that zombies ass and we managed to survive barely but I still feel unclean in the eyes of dice Christ. Can I be forgiven or is my divine soul forever tarnished?

sam s.

i NEED them to do this one hahahah

Launch

Murph, I'm going to you directly because I think this will make your head explode. My DM has confessed a few times that he is not a "crunch guy" and does not get much enjoyment from the mechanics of 5e, he says he's "here for the narrative." Mostly, that's been fine, since I'm knowledgeable enough about mechanics to meditate on his behalf when I need to. However, we are playing a dragon centric campaign where most of the point is that we will be fighting dragons. We recently had a fight with an ancient green, where my DM revealed the secret stats to the cool dragon slaying weapons he gave us sessions ago. Murph, we had three of these bad boys and they all dealt 2d12 + 150 to dragons. Yes, that's a flat ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DAMAGE on a hit. They were all +3 weapons as well. I asked him why he didn't just give us some reflavored dragon slayer longswords from 5e. He said they weren't special enough. I asked how he could possibly counter balance for these stats. This dragon had over one thousand hit points. It was a slug fest Murph. The wizard (who did *not* have one of these weapons) just sat in the same spot and disinterestedly fired off cantrips. The dragon didn't move a single inch the whole fight. Over the course of 3 rounds, (we killed an ANCIENT DRAGON in THREE rounds at level 10!!) the dragon only used 4 legendary actions. It did not use frightful presence, even though the DM brought up that it was an ability the dragon *could* use at the start of the session. Murph, do I just never use my cool weapon to make combat interesting? Or should I just blow through fights like he intends so that we can "get back to the story"?

DM Joe

To the honorable justices, I'm seeking a bit of etiquette advice! I have a group of 3 friends I've been playing with for about 5 years, we're all in our late 30s. One of those friends has developed a new eating habit, he chews super loudly with his mouth open. (Picture like an ad for that big league chew gum or like cartoon lip and teeth chomping). This chewing behavior seems to be new, as the other three of us all noticed and mentioned it after he left one session early. My question for the court, how do we tell a grown man his eating behavior is pretty gross? Do we just have to tell him to close his mouth when he chews? We're all fairly close, but not really a group that critiques each others behavior. We humbly await your etiquette advice.

Alan C

To the Jurassic Justices Tanner-dactyl, Hurwitz-eratops, and Di-Murph-odon, and the ever-benevolent Bailiff Velocir-Axford, I present The Case of Plot Armor Proficiency. I’m a first-time DM running a campaign for a group of first-time players—college and hometown friends. The party: Gwenevere the tiefling sorcerer, Seaslug the dwarven ranger, Caracara the human fighter, Freduardo the half-orc rogue/monk, and Teo, an elderly elven warlock with a primal archfey patron. Right before the finale, Teo dreamed of his patron — a rotting stag covered in lichen — who reminded him that death is natural and sacred. The next day, the Level 4 party raced to stop a wyrmling’s ritual. I planned two encounters before the big boss fight. First: some harpies they womped. Second: some kobolds and a CR 2 Lizardfolk Geomancer. The Geomancer’s Hail of Stone recharged four rounds in a row. Most of the party failed their saves each time. Everyone went down at least once, and they burned through nearly all their potions. Then, Teo dropped. He failed a death save, then took another from a fresh Hail of Stone. The ranger had Cure Wounds but was stuck in melee and couldn’t reach him without eating a wall of opportunity attacks. Teo’s next turn. He rolled a 9. Silence. Then, he asked, “...Uh, am I dead?” I panicked and said, “Your patron casts Guidance. That bumps it to a 10.” The fighter took a wall of opportunity attacks to heal him the next round, and Teo made it to the boss fight. His player laughed and called it “plot armor,” but I’ve felt guilty ever since. The patron shouldn’t have intervened, but killing a new player right before the finale felt cruel. The party still razzes me for the difficulty of that fight and for saving Teo with divine DM intervention. So I ask: Was I right to be merciful after unknowingly designing a death trap, or should Teo have checked into the retirement home in the sky? I await your ruling. May it bring me peace… or punishment. P.S. After the finale, the sorcerer dipped into bard, and the fighter and monk retired for an artificer/wizard and spores druid. Heals aren't a problem anymore.

David Bellis

A Dice Christ Confession: I come to you to seek whether I have pushed the power of a DM too far, not by cheating what the dice rolls, but manipulating character backstories. Rather than giving my players the opportunity to create backstories from scratch with insights to the world, I did it with them from the get go…but I would say upon reflection, I had more of a say than they did. And by much more, I’m gonna go with 90%?? I convinced our fighter to be uppity stickler in old rusty armour who is the sworn protector of the princess. A barbarian who goes into a “trance” rather than a rage where his bestial features come out, including a tail but does not know his origin. And a small warforged wizard in a robe, classic wizards hat. Yes…I essentially made my players Steiner, Zidane and Vivi as we are currently going through the story of Final Fantasy 9 (at the point where they first arrive in Lindblum after defeating the Black Waltz #3 on the airship). My players have no idea and one player in particular hates the FF games with a passion. I confess here that I’ve done this but to what end am I in the wrong? And I know this is wrong to some degree as if it wasn’t, I would have shared these insights with the players. The players are enjoying themselves and it helps IMMENSELY as a DM with a new born baby in terms of prepping, know the lore and story line perfectly…but I do feel guilty of taking away my players capacity, creativity and ownership around one of the best parts of DND, character creation. I humbly seek out your judgment. David B PS From Australia and you guys are the best. Can’t wait for when you come back down under in the future.

Alex Clapper

May it please the Crit, and the Revered Bailiff Emily, I bring before you a few cases, please choose whichever you most enjoy. 1. I present the case of the MurderHobo Heist. Back in college when I ran a campaign, my players decided they wanted to rob a bank. I cannot stress enough that this was not related to the campaign, they just decided this was something they wanted to do. So, I had them roll for finding a bank. With a fairly poor roll, I told them that the only bank in town was the Main Bank that served the whole city. I warned them that this would be very difficult, but they insisted on doing it anyway, and we ended the session early for them to plan. When it was time for the heist I too had done a lot of planning, and almost immediately they were discovered after tripping an Alarmed (the spell) door. They all escaped relatively unscathed but were upset with me for not allowing them the heist they wanted. Judges, was in the wrong for not allowing my players to have fun and play how they wanted to? Or was this true murderhobo behavior that was adequately punished? 2.I present the case of the Fudged Crit Fail. Back in high school I was very new to D&D, and still, in this instance, playing my very first character ever (Dragonborn Fighter). We were fighting a White Dragon, and I rolled a 7 to hit. I was sad, but content with my miss. However, my DM said “Wouldn’t that be more interesting if it was a Crit fail?” To be fair, they weren’t wrong. That fudged nat 1 caused the dragon to explode into ice shards, killing my character, a prominent NPC, and another player’s Legendary Character (a character with a lot of lore that he’d be playing for years). It changed the tide of battle and the session utterly. I was shocked, of course, and the other player kept shouting that I’d killed his character, not knowing the DM had fudged the roll. Judges, should I have spoke up for myself and not allowed this to happen? Or is this just how the game goes sometimes? 3.I present the case of the College D&D Competition. As the title would suggest, I was in a D&D competition in which a bunch of pre-rolled characters battled it out in a sort of battle royale, and you earned points to get prizes. I was one of three remaining players at the end, currently in second place, and the other two wouldn’t be able to, due to the few characters remaining, be able to earn enough points to get on the leaderboard. However, *I* had a possibility to get first. I pointed this out to the person next in initiative, saying that if he let me get that one more point I needed and didn’t kill me, I’d be eternally grateful, especially since he wouldn’t be able to get even third place if he killed me and the other player. He ignored me, and killed my character next turn. I did still get second place (and a small Wyrmwood dice box), but I still think about this interaction. Was I wrong (or even rude) to ask this of a fellow competitor, or should he have been cooler and helped me win? Alliances were encouraged in the game, if that helps. I throw myself upon your mercy and accept any ruling you see fit to pass down.

LuneGazer

The tale of the disdainful DM To the most critical crit justices Murphy, Tanner and the once beautifully bearded bailiff turned dm… Jonk?, and the Bailiff of the Crick Axford I started playing DnD for the first time with a friend from college and a few people from work. Since I was new I started with a basic character and all was fine... for a while. Once we started leveling up I took the lucky feat because it seemed like fun and might help my wizard maintain concentration. The moment I stated that I was using one of my lucky points though, the DM looked at me in disgust and said "Just remember, anything you use, I can use too" making me feel like I couldn't use the ability anymore but also being told I couldn't change my choice of feat. Was I wrong for taking something that was so overpowered to try and feel heroic, or should I have known to have disdain towards abilities that give exceptional advantage to one side. I await what I hope to be a fortunate decision P.S. I would later learn that the DM did not just mean in his own campaign but he would build full characters that abused certain traits in one-shots DMed by whoever would use one of these abilities against him. Example: A halfling chronurgy wizard with the lucky feat so he could have halfling luck, chronal shift, and luck points P.P.S I wish I were joking.

Alexander Powers

Noble court justices Hurwitz, Murphy, and Tanner, and resplendent Bailiff Axford: I present to you a very special DnD court case: me vs *myself.* This is NOT a dice Christ confession, but a case in which I bring myself to justice for my own crimes against equity. I have been DMing a campaign lately and overall, it seems like my players are loving it. However, I've been noticing a recent trend in my DMing lately- when I invent NPCs on the spot, I of course draw from tropes and stories I was brought up with. But I'm finding that this is creating a sexist imbalance amongst my NPCs, especially because our campaign is so far very military-heavy. When I reach into my memory banks to pull out a character on the spot, a male character comes out some 80% of the time by default! When I have time to prep and think, things are far more equitable, but caught in the moment I'm finding myself consistently drawing on these tropes that are just leaving all the badass lady and non-binary warriors out. How do I improve my medeival improv and cleanse myself of the ghosts of the past that haunt my world building? Is there anything I can do to absolve myself of my sexist narrative crimes? Please judge me accordingly, and punish me for my sins as I so rightly deserve.

Boris Bokchoy

murph when did you get so jacked wtf. smoke show in cloudward ho

Meghan

Recently my player started reading the mistborn series…. To my excitement and horror as it’s one of my favorite fantasy series but also I’ve borrowed heavily from it for inspiration on the current campaign so I asked them to wait to read it resulting in awkward silence and then being razzed for “banning books”. Am I within my right as a thieving dm to warn them / ask them to wait to read my key inspiration texts? Or have I fallen to the propaganda of banning books?

TonyB

This court case is a good submission for pride month. To the esteemed Crit Justices Murphy, Tanner, Hurwhisk, and the resplendent bailiff Axford. I offer to the Crit a tale inspired by the bailiff herself, and as such I would like her vote to be tie-breaking if it comes down to it. Without further ado, I present the case of the gay cliché catastrophe! I replayed and rewrote the old winter solstice mixed bag that Emily ran years ago, and I’ve ran it twice as a spooky horror oneshot for friends. A few friends wanted to play a oneshot, so we setup a night and folks made characters. One of these friends, who we’ll call Costco, had a shift at Costco on the day of the oneshot. So that morning I called to check if he needed help making a character. He said yes because he’s had no time, and I offered to make a level 5 barbarian he can just jump into (he had played dnd before as a fighter). He said that would be fantastic and he was looking forward to it. I made a level 5 human barbarian, with the path of the totem (bear) that makes rage resistant to all damage. I wrote a silly name with a bear pun and forgot about it. When the party arrived that night, I showed Costco his barbarian and said “oh yeah that name was just a placeholder, go ahead and change it to whatever”. He said “No actually, it’ll be funny if I just kept it”. Costco then proceeded to morph his voice into lispy valley-girl and introduce his character, a large gay man with my placeholder name: Cher Bear. His portrayal of Cher Bear proceeds to be effeminate, stereotypical, and is exactly as offensive as you’d imagine from a straight man who watches a lot of It’s Always Sunny. So the oneshot started with party investigating a farm. Everyone was exploring and rolling checks, then Cher Bear wanted to cast speak with animals as a ritual in the barn. I prompted him to describe what casting that spell looks like for a bit of flavourful description, and to my horror he replied “I just kind of rock back and forth on the floor in the fetal position saying ‘daddy don’t hurt me’”. I remembered it was a ritual and offered back “for ten minutes?” and he said “oh yeah”. I was flustered, but responded the spell worked and now all the animals in the barn were alarmed by him and his vibe. He proceeded to get into beef with a literal cow, and the situation escalated distracting the whole party for well over an hour. When they finally arrived in the abandoned village, Cher Bear immediately approached a cat and described casting the spell exactly the same as before for more animal antics. By this point the party had settled on ignoring the weird energy and plowing ahead with the plot, our sorcerer even used minor illusion to cast a duck for Cher Bear to talk to and be distracted (like giving an iPad to a baby). By the time the party got to the forest, I could tell it was getting late and the oneshot would need to wrap up soon. I described them entering into the forest and we sadly agreed this would need to continue another night for a part 2. It’s been four years, and we have never done part 2. Costco has since apologized for the way he portrayed Cher Bear and the try hard/cards-against-humanity-energy. I have DMed for him since this and he has gotten much more comfortable with roleplaying and socially acclimatizing with the party. I reflected on that night and genuinely wonder if this oneshot a failure on my part. It does not take long to sniff out a Yugo, and I could’ve nipped it right at the start or leaned into it and accepted a heel at the table. I was so focused about setting the ambiance and my spooky narrative descriptions, when I should have been more ready to stray from what I prepped. Additionally I offered a level 5 barbarian to jump into, and while I created a character sheet I didn’t actually create a character description or concept for him, just the character sheet. I couldn’t even be bothered to come up with a real name for him, thus the spooky oneshot was undone by the antics of Cher Bear, a name I merely wrote as a placeholder. The last piece of evidence is crucial. I myself am a large gay man (often considered a bear or a cub), and my voice is definitely more of a tenor. Cher Bear’s introduction and portrayal rattled me, I kept wondering if it was some kinda sick power play or just a joke that bombed but he won’t let die. So Justices I ask for your judgement on this failed oneshot. Am I, the DM, to blame for the derailment of this evening? Or was it Costco AKA Cher Bear, whose strong character choices just did not match the vibe?

JPine

To the supercilious Crit Justices Hurwitz, Tanner, and Urphy, and the cilious bailiff Axford: I ask you to consider the alleged crimes of a DM against our 36 PCs and decide once and for all whether he (or we!) should face the swift and merciless justice of the Supreme Court and/or get new friends. Our DM is running three games in the same world, with 36 PCs. Our first charge? Misogyny. He put all the women in one party along and the guys in the others, with the reasoning that "you'll have more fun that way". This was followed by his insistence that my (female) character needed to have a secretary background and refusing to hear our explanation for why that was unacceptable. In the first session, my character was even called a diversity hire. Our second charge? Hijacking PC agency. He starts sessions by telling us what he wants to happen in the session, encouraging us to move quickly so we get more of his plot done. 45 minutes spent monologueing about scenery plus a 45 page document of extra rules to be memorized led us to feel more like NPCs. Speaking of NPCs! Our third charge? DMPC overload. In our last combat session, we landed in an encounter with 30 NPCs that lasted 4 real hours, during which each PC acted only twice. See previous accusations of monologuing. Justices! We beg for your judgment: are we, the PCs, at fault for allowing this to go on? Or is this miscarriage of an adventure on the shoulders of our DM?

Kate

I have a confession for Dice Christ. I was running my first campaign with other players who were also new and we were just having fun and learning the game. I worked really hard building my world, talking with players to get their input, and I even made a custom map with all their villages in it. Everyone was really into it. However, one of my players decided that the point of the game was to win and they knew how to play DnD because of Baldurs Gate. When other people were going, this person would be on their phone playing other games or they would be telling the others what to use as their next move. During fights, they would try to find out what they were fighting and look up the HP to know how close the to finishing it they were, and decide for the team if healing or attacking should be done (for the PC who was a cleric, not themselves). I got messages from the other players on the side saying “hey this isn’t fun because this person keeps telling us how to do things to win.” I was also becoming frustrated because they were telling me how to DM, and not giving me any character background to develop their PCs story but getting frustrated they weren’t getting as much depth as everyone else. When I would ask for more depth, I was told “I’ll leave that up to you”. I had a really cool encounter with blink dogs, a sort of full metal alchemist vibe with the bad guy making a homunculus, and an underground rebellion with lots of character development for one of the PCs. It wasn’t perfect but it was mine and I was excited, and so were the PCs. This player stayed at the back of the lab for most of the fight and there were other players in front, but I went out of my way to down their PC. Even had my bad guy walk past a player. They got really mad because all of the other players didn’t do medicine checks or try to bring them back up, not even the cleric. They ended up surviving, and we kept playing a little longer, but I don’t feel bad about it at all. I don’t know if I need forgiveness, but it has weighed on me from time to time. The group does not play anymore, and I think part of it is that no one wanted to play with this person, however the night we were supposed to play, my husband and I had a baby instead. Side note: my son and I listen to NADDPOD in the car every morning, and I plan to get him into DnD too (although we may have to find a more appropriate show as he gets older).

Brian Edwards

That blows. And no way should they have redone the session. That's insane. If you as a player forgot you had a certain ability and only remembered after, they wouldn't have re-done the last combat.

Brian Edwards

Let them fry and do what you want with your turn.

Casual Apocalypse

To the 2 wise judges and the illustrious ever beautiful stenographer. I present to you a case that may put your justice at odds with the church. I play in a 5e campaign in which one of my fellow players always plays a rogue or ranger specializing in stealth. She will often go into “stealth mode” if she rolls good she will be more bold in her actions stating that she’s “practically invisible” but if she rolls bad she will opt to stay back with the fighter until combat starts. The main issue is that by the holy text (especially the new rules) she’s allowed to do this. I have no grounds to stand nor would I tattle on a fellow player. Judges I plan to dm one day, would I be wrong to go against the scripture and make my players roll for stealthy actions rather than “stealth mode”.

Jake R

Update, in out last session, my bad guys didn't hit ONCE in our 4 hour session, so I think Dice Christ has spoken on this one but would still appreciate the justice Murphs weigh in, I lay myself before the court.

Girlgeek6000

To the esteemed justices and their equally esteemed bailiff, I bring to you a question of campaign bait and switch. This took place many years ago, back during 2nd Edition's heyday. These were very different days, with any number of instant death traps common in modules, and some folks who saw the GM and PCs as adversaries. For this campaign, our GM had explained that he was tired of running games for edgy characters with tragic backstories and that he wanted us to create well-adjusted, happy characters, based out of the same hometown, and adventuring to address problems in the local area. The players all made characters with ties to the local community, including a list of NPCs that made up each of our families. (I made a twenty-year old half-elf ranger, living with her human father, with an elven mother who regularly visited when not adventuring on her own.) Our first session seemed to go well as we went to explore disturbances in a nearby ruined keep. We had some close calls, but successfully completed our mission and started our journey back to our home town. As we journeyed back, though, the DM described a strange overcast in the sky that thickened to deep mist by the time we returned home to find that the village had been attacked by some terrifying creatures that had abducted villagers, including all our loved ones. We all figured this was a plot point to motivate us to rescue our loved ones from whatever creatures were creating the strange weather. Because of this, we were all horrified when, after defeating the monsters that abducted the villagers, we discovered *a sack containing the bones of the abducted villagers, who had been devoured (including our loved ones)*! While we all stared at the DM in confusion and horror, he related that our village had been absorbed into Ravenloft, and the ever-present mists signaled that we were actually going to be playing in a horror setting. You see, in 2nd edition, Ravenloft was a domain that would occasionally take over random locations, bringing adventurers into the dark and horrific land. Apparently, he had us make well-adjusted characters with family so that we could live the tragic backstory that now would motivate our characters to seek justice or revenge. The players (including myself) did not take well to the bait and switch, saying that it was unfair to have asked us to spend time on our NPC families and friends just for them to end up horribly murdered. The DM argued that we had played lots of horror games before and he was just trying to capture the spirit of the setting. We ended up never having another session of that campaign, rebooting to a different set of characters. This episode remained a point of argument for years, however, with the DM claiming we had overreacted and the rest of us claiming that he should have warned us not to get attached to the NPC families. I ask you, justices, were we justified in our anger after finding our families devoured after being asked to make happy characters? Or was the DM right that our general agreement to playing horror games as a group should have had us prepared for NPC tragedy?

Bagofchips123

To The Hot and Moist Crit Justices, and very hunky bailiff, I present the case of the hoarder of heads. Im a new DM and one of my players got access to a bag of holding because I did not want to restrict the party to just what they can carry. The 10 foot tall Dragonborn Paladin decides its a beautiful idea to start collecting bodies of literally every enemy he kills. He had 10 goblin bodies, a mimic corpse, multiple drow heads, and the entire body of topher the tiefling before I decided to look into the rules of the bag. I said that because I learned the bag is 2 feet in diameter, he wasn't able to even fit the bodies in to begin with, but I really just want him to stop collecting bodies cause its weird and I hate it. Should I be punished for crushing the dreams of a mass body collecting paladin, or should he be punished for now suggesting to chop off each head of the bodies so he can fit them in the bag now. Stay effin jazzy!

Ingrid Rossi

Simple! The bodies rot in the bag of holding and become an awfully smelling sludge, ruining most of the contents. It’s not a fridge, it’s a bag.

Bagofchips123

Omg that is amazing. AND if it gets really bad, their items would be covered in sludge lmfao