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The Tortle Tank: Homebrew Review! (w/ Jasper William Cartwright) (Patreon)

Published:
2022-08-05 05:05:01
Edited:
2023-05-26 22:31:46
Imported:
2026-06
Tags:

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Content

AD-FREE EPISODE FOR $5+ PATRONS!

Welcome to Tortle Tank, the show where four flippered financiers review your D&D homebrew and decide if they want to invest their hard-earned eggs. This week, the Tortles, as well as shellebrity guest Jasper William Cartwright (3 Black Halflings) take a look at crit-inducing coins, initiative hacks and one confusingly stealthy doll. Let's dive right in!

Production and Editing by Trevor Lyon

Listen and subscribe to 3 Black Halflings! - https://linktr.ee/TBHalflings

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Comments

NursingWounds

This has the kind of energy I want to bring into the real world. There's a 50/50 shot I win the lottery if I play, and I love that. XD

Murf'nLurph

"He's lost in the tank" nearly killed me😂

Austin Wiggin

Whoever Nathan T. Who sent the gang Reingeist- I live in your area! Let's go to a live show someday

t✨

im ngl i love fleshy so much 😭😭

Dizzy934

But where do i find the tub brisket one shot 😫

riskutforthebriskut

there's millions of poor people who do bring this logic to the real world lmao

Greg M

Ah yes the impetus of the Caldwell dvd flip

Hipster

I lost it when Murph defended himself about the “overly masculine” metal dice. Also, I loved listening to Jasper laugh this entire episode! He was such a delight and great addition to the chaos table!

Hipster

I was already deciding this episode was one of my favorites and then THAT happened! It solidified my decision.

Summer Tribe

That coin of certainty still amuses me. Just such a poor idea

Alex Moore

Literally was just checking Patreon for the new upload! Awesome! So stoked

Rachel

jasper!

Hanna Wen

YAY! so excited to listen.

Kelley

So glad to witness the return of turdiss. Edit: I listened to this right before bed last night and my dreams were haunted by Emily chuck checking D20s in the background.

Driftwood747

Yall gunna get lost in the tank again

Figgy Blue

The metal really shows how stupid this will be, in a good but douchy way.

sawnnyM

Initiative grouping is used in baldurs gate 3 the game! Works really smoothly to speed up combat.

David Lipscomb

I ran a Goliath Barbarian and fellow PC was a kobold rogue. We crafted a backpack for me to carry her around on my back like Master Blaster. She got sneak attack every attack every time

Garrett Morrow

I don’t even own a truck and I would absolutely buy a set of d20 truck nuts

aiyana graham art

the throwing your d20s at one another to change the roll and them talking about the utter chaos of rolling has beardsley energy/behavior written allllll over it

aiyana graham art

I think about emily saying "your stupid, thunking metal dice" all the time from when murph tried to roll them on a starstruck odyssey

Summer Rose (Grantaire)

yooooo shout out to rhinegeist! i moved here recently and they got me into beer. cool to know fellow naddpod lovers work there :)

Robin Moran

'The Pumpkin Chronicles' and 'The Pumpkin Guy' are basically Grib (Jacob Wysocki) in Zak Oyama's Rotating Heroes Podcast 😂

Sy Delta Parkertron

Aw man the slime was me! I asked them to put a message for you in the package but I guess they didn't. Glad you like it!

Sy Delta Parkertron

I just discovered the fun of playing with a slime and thought a Creek Water slime might tickle Emily's fancy

Ben Jackson

I personally love the group rolling tray idea, and will be suggesting it to my no chortle DM

Evilbob02

Id like to point out the two crew or choo choo crew put out a deathsave coin, in the merch club, not long ago. Similar to the coin of certainty.

Declan Konesky

I would totally have truck twenties if I had a truck. But I have a van 🥲

Chris Atkins

Caldwell's commitment to the bit even to the detriment of the pod... incredible

Temedar

More then one Emily and murf I'm 37 lol

Will

Jake absolutely killed the intro my god

Ryan

#releasethepumpkincut

Wyatt

Currently saving for a truck and I would definitely buy some truck twenties

Mae B

I would find some way to put truck nut dice on my tiny corolla I need them

J. Marshall Smith

I don't know if you all actually read these comments but I sent you all some stuff in the PO box a while ago and I don't care that much about the shout out but I am bit worried you didn't get it?

Sand Panda

So yea... might be stealing the truck nuts idea. I'm sure to give by word of mouth where the idea came from. ❤

Ariel, the Occasional Mermaid

You could try posting this question in the community feed—Caldwell responds to questions over there pretty regularly!

Nathann Morais

Alright alright alright. I love owlbear cave and I love that it is back, revamped, full of tortle references. I also love having Jake put his business side to use throwing jargons around in context to homebrew ideas and eggs. Tortle tank and Dungeon court are the perfect "D&D shows abou d&d that are super fun and don't need to be actual play". Also Jasper works so well with the crew!

Dan

I know that it’s readily evident if you’ve been within 10ft of Caldwell opening his mouth, but I love the self awareness of his insanity

Dallon Taylor

dont yall SELL a challenge coin?? why does no one have a coin!? 🤣🤣

Kyle Veach

...what's wrong with metal dice?

Emily Kelly

i think you guys should run seasons of this and then at the end each have to run a one shot implementing all of the home brew rules you’ve collected. or an all out brawl like the 8 bit book club monster mash and you use them like skills against each other LOL

atlasrising

My fave thing about Jasper is that he can be on either end of the Caldwell-Murph dichotomy. Like he absolutely has hardass no-nonsense DM-Murph energy but equally the Jasper/Caldwell combo is just *chefs kiss* 😂 I'd love to see a chaotic Jasper/Caldwell vs sibling energy Jake/Em one shot or something... Although Murph may need a complete nonsense detox afterward

Grace Bee

Lol my first dnd character was a halfling bard and I drive a Ford f150 XL, 2 different Ford rangers, a Chevy S10, and a Dodge Dakota for my job. So I would buy at least one pair of truck d20 nuts!

Bryce Vernon

I’m definitely the dice truck nuts kinda guy😂😂😂

Not Another D&D Podcast

I actually DID use the challenge coin! It's normally on my bookshelf where I record. However, when you live with a toddler things are rarely where you last left them. ~Caldwell

Neji

I like the B team idea, I was already planning on doing something like this in my campaign, inspired by a similar mechanic in Assassins Creed Brotherhood and Revelations

Hedge

Right?! We Cinci-nadpoles need to get on pitching a live show here. (Also, welcome to town!) Rhinegeist's rooftop is gorgeous and I think it's out of season but Night Whale is such a Fia beer.

Desiree K

I love Emily's laughter of pure joy at the concept of yeeting dice at other dice.

Marissa Bickford

Absolutely living for this format! More plz 🙏 Great inspo. And also now I’m thinking of lizards with nipple tassels - but entirely no nipples 🤷

Ilana Galpert

I miss our owl entrepreneurs, but i do love the new tank. maybe there's a compromise here. there are owl bears and dragon turtles--why not owl tortles?

Austin Johnson

God help me I heard the call for fan art of a Bailiff Tortle with a big ass and handcuffs and I delivered.

Lady Land Puma

100% would buy the D20 truck nuts for my DM 🤣

Tim

I would buy D20 truck nuts almost immediately to put on my Toyota Matrix.

Jorde

Fia had that tight Josh Allen spiral

Grass

I need to learn to drive and get a truck now

Josh Stadtmiller

My slammed drift truck would love scraping truck duts

Tyler Foster

Murph: "One.. ironic.. 19 year old." Me: "Actually I'm 22"

Marge In Charge

There was such strong Billy Mayes OXYCLEAN energy from Murph that I think his next gig needs to be an infomercial. This was the try out. “ONE IS NAMED APPLEKIN AND OTHER ONE IS NAMED ORANGEKIN” 😂😂😂😂

Kevin Wixom

I've got a bright pink 94 F150 lwb 2wd. Understand completely.

Kevin Wixom

Man I completely underplayed Fleshy's role in the description. I gave him to the team Cleric because his heavy armor meant he kept failing stealth checks AND it made him question his own God as it was a "living" automaton, something he would view as heretical, and he was always fighting the juxtaposition of "devout follower" and "independent do gooder".

SoupLightning

The future mavarus chronicles could really benefit from fuck points 👉

Grace Bee

Holy shit Kevin I'm so jealous

Max Roniger

I want those truck nuts lol

Dylan Irish

Anything with one or more Halflings in it is a good plus up for an ep! Love having jasper in this

Blue Ashe

I don't know how to feel with Murph correctly guessing my age right with the truck nuts bit

Zoe Jones

Bold of yall to assume that I won't put D20 truck nuts on my Honda civic

John The Third

From the shout outs… Rhinegeist is awesome. So glad it’s in IL now.

Morgan Monroe

There’s something about the camaraderie pertaining to D20 truck nuts in these comments that makes me love this community.

Nick Powell

Uhhhh we have Rhinegeist in IL???? This changes everything

Katie P.

I'm a 5e DM, but I really love 2e. It is great for multi-classing and it offers so much customization.

Daniel Anderson

I feel like the throwing dice rule just came up when a bunch of players were rolling and one time a player hit another die, and it was ruled that it was allowed. But I think its only intended in cases where multiple people are rolling, as opposed to some sort of advantage or luck point where you decide to start chucking extra dice.

Garrett Durham

When you think about it everything’s already a 50/50 chance because it either happens or it doesn’t so we should all just use coins.