Dearly Divorced (Patreon)

original meme by drawindarwin on twitter, their template is here: https://twitter.com/drawindarwin/status/1517972910299877378 .

Bob and Kathleen met in high school. Adventurous and headstrong to Bob’s stoic and stubborn, Kathy should’ve been an unstoppable force colliding with an immovable object- and yet upon meeting, the pair instantly clicked and became best friends. Kathleen was just about the only beaver alive that could gently nudge (read: lovingly bully) Bob out of his comfort zone. Bobby and Kathy would develop deep feelings of devotion toward each other, which society dictated meant they should date. Bob was a dude, Kathy was a lady, so y’know, why not. Seeking mutually assured financial independence, the pair married upon graduation and moved in together, where they spent a decade entwined in marital bliss/romantic obligation.

It’s not that they didn’t love each other- they did! Kathy thought Bob was dependable and charming and funny in his own stilted, somewhat dorky way. And Bob found Kathy  a refreshing shock to the system, an excitable chatterbox always pushing him to try new foods and concerts and movies, playfully arguing with him over music tastes and getting him in a headlock when he claimed the best fancy cuisine in town was the local applebees. But over time, their differences become more and more apparent. Bob is a homebody, perfectly content to work the same job and eat the same sandwiches and watch the same sitcoms and fiddle with the same toolkit, day in, day out. But Kathleen wants more. The walls of their townhouse begin to close in on her. Kathleen wants to travel, to volunteer, to learn skydiving and sword-fighting and have authentic chocolate crossaints in Paris!  Bob finds all this to be silly flights of fantasy, and over time, Kathy encouraging him to try new experiences- which he once found both fun and novel- just begins to feel like badgering. Kathy in turn begins to feel that Bob is a big beaver-shaped roadblock standing in the way of her truly living her life the way she wants. Resentment builds, they begin arguing, until what was once a chipper married couple warps into a surly, apathetic pair of roommates. One day they have a big shouting blowup, and looking back they’re not sure which of them first said the word “divorce”- but it only adds fuel to the fight- doors are slammed, feelings are hurt, and they both go a period too angry to speak to the other.

Ultimately, they do finally have that quiet, much-needed conversation. Kathy never meant to make Bob feel like he was holding her back, but he says she’s right, it’s clear he doesn’t make her happy anymore. Maybe it’s time to move on, for her to finally be free. Kathy immediately starts to ugly-cry (which may or may not have made Bob ugly-cry), and says she doesn’t want a life without Bobby in it. They spend a weepy weekend on the couch with ice cream and tv, simply reconnecting as friends- and they both agree that the time has indeed come to end their marriage.

Though they got divorced, they didn’t separate. Bobby and Kathy went on to live together for several years, making meals together, celebrating holidays, Kathy dragging Bob on vacations and out to bars and to karaoke and skydiving (“Never again”, says Bob).

Although they no longer live together, Bob and Kathy are still best friends and family. He’s her emergency contact, the guy that nags her to get oil changes, her beer buddy. She’s his confidante, his giver of gossip, the lady that never fails to drag him onto the dance floor…and also the one who pushed him to stop being a wuss and ask out Toffee. 

-Kathleen is a late-in-life lesbian. Bob was initially upset about this, thinking their marriage was a sham- but Kathleen says maybe her brain just saw him as a super-hot stone butch lesbian. Bob is quietly very flattered.