Chapter 269: A Battle of Desolate Itto.exe (Patreon)

The Geo Archon of Mondstadt, Noelle, is truly a terrifying force of nature. Even a fierce and boisterous warrior like Arataki Itto could be utterly overwhelmed by her sheer might in a test of strength. She functioned as a veritable humanoid Ruin Guard, capable of cleaving Starfell Cliff in half with a single swing and shattering a cobblestone street with a single punch. One could easily imagine standing upon her iron fists or watching horses gallop along the sheer muscles of her arms.

Amber cheered enthusiastically in the digital chat interface, shouting that Noelle was mighty beyond belief. Kaeya playfully dubbed her the Geo Archon of Mondstadt, while little Klee clapped her hands in delight at her fellow knight's incredible prowess. Fischl declared that such magnificent power was only fitting for a maid who shared the same spiritual domain as the Prinzessin der Verurteilung.

Arataki Itto, however, bristled with indignation, demanding to know what message the video was attempting to convey. Did it imply that the great Arataki the First was weak? Kamisato Ayato chimed in with gentle amusement, assuring the gang leader that losing to Mondstadt's own Geo Archon carried no shame whatsoever. Xin Yan agreed wholeheartedly, pointing out that facing a legendary guardian of Mondstadt was an honor rather than a defeat.

Watching the influx of praise directed at her, Noelle felt her cheeks burn so intensely that it seemed as though steam might pour straight from her head. The display was simply too embarrassing for her humble sensibilities. Meanwhile, Brother Itto remained deeply dissatisfied, vowing that he would eventually travel to Mondstadt to challenge the local rock deity directly in hand-to-hand combat.

Soon enough, the final video of the day appeared on the celestial screen, bearing an unusual and intriguing title: Arataki Itto.exe. The formatting of the title immediately caught the audience's attention, closely mirroring the chaotic style previously seen in the segment dedicated to Noelle.

Arataki Itto grinned broadly, declaring that judging by the title, he was destined to look exceptionally cool. Tartaglia sighed in mock envy, while Yae Miko expressed polite skepticism, noting that a style of this nature did not guarantee a flattering outcome. Kujou Sara dryly agreed, remarking that it was mathematically impossible for a fool to look majestic under such editing. Itto immediately accused them of harboring deep jealousy toward his peerless charisma, while Xiangling urged everyone to remain patient as the video finally commenced.

The visual feed opened abruptly with a quirky, eccentric soundtrack reminiscent of an agitated swarm of bees, immediately setting a comedic and chaotic tone. The camera panned across the bustling streets of Inazuma City, where Brother Itto could be seen accompanied by a pair of Hilichurls, strutting through the alleys in an outrageously flamboyant dance routine. Pausing near a prominent stone wall, he cheerfully borrowed a paintbrush from an unsuspecting bystander and scrawled a bold declaration: Sara is a smelly tengu dog.

Having completed his artistic vandalism, he grabbed his Hilichurl companions and bolted down the street in a panic, sprinting all the way to the outskirts of the city where he happened to cross paths with Yoimiya. Since the two frequently bickered, a confrontation was inevitable. Taking up a dramatic fighting stance, they instantly engaged in a high-intensity game of rock-paper-scissors. In the opening round, Itto threw scissors while Yoimiya countered with rock. In the second round, Itto played paper only to be defeated by Yoimiya's scissors. By the third round, Itto threw rock and lost once again to paper. After suffering a dozen consecutive defeats, the proud oni slumped forward in utter devastation, while Yoimiya performed a gleeful victory dance to celebrate her triumph.

Before Itto could recover his composure, Kujou Sara emerged from the city gates, vowing to crush the troublemaker into dust. Terrified by the familiar threat, Itto fled in blind terror, ultimately finding himself cornered in a dead-end alleyway after a frantic pursuit. Realizing there was no escape, the cornered oni turned to face his pursuer, adopting a fierce posture as he prepared to fight for his honor. Kujou Sara, however, could not be bothered to engage in a formal duel. With a swift flick of her wrist, she hurled a heavy pouch of demon-repelling beans straight into his face.

Itto's nose twitched violently as the sacred legumes made impact, and he sneezed so forcefully that he practically exploded on the spot. The fatal weakness of the oni race proved insurmountable once again. Kujou Sara emerged victorious, accompanied by the triumphant victory theme from a classic fantasy roleplaying game, and promptly collected a rare Geo Vision as her spoils of war.

Immediately following the comedic prelude, the true feature film began.

The iconic, high-octane rock anthem Red Sun blared from the speakers, establishing an epic backdrop reminiscent of a legendary boss battle. The camera shifted back to the scenic wilderness of Inazuma, where Arataki Itto was captured standing proudly, meticulously combing his vibrant red hair with an air of absolute vanity. With a dramatic sweep of his hand, the comb vanished in a flash of golden light. He dropped into a classic sumo wrestling stance, his amber eyes burning with intense, aggressive determination. To his credit, when Itto deliberately cultivated this specific persona, he projected a genuinely striking aura of rugged masculinity.

Moving in time with the driving rhythm of the music, he hefted his massive redhorn stonethresher and unleashed a flurry of devastating strikes against unsuspecting monsters in the field, sweeping away lesser foes with effortless theatrical flair.

The camera angle abruptly shifted downward to showcase Itto's well-defined abdominal muscles, highlighting an impressively sculpted physique. However, the perspective then panned directly toward his arms, revealing a stark and disproportionate lack of heavy muscle mass. Itto's facial expression instantly twisted into a look of absolute mortification, as this specific physical trait represented his deepest insecurity. While his overall combat prowess was undeniable and his core physique was exceptionally athletic, his arms stubbornly refused to match the breadth of his chest, creating a wonderfully bizarre visual contrast.

Undeterred by the brief moment of self-doubt, the gang leader pressed onward through his wilderness campaign, swinging his massive claymore with boundless enthusiasm. Although his raw technique lacked the disciplined precision of Kujou Sara's martial arts, his sheer destructive output easily placed him among the foremost fighters in Inazuma.

As he continued his patrol, he spotted a lone Hilichurl performing a strange, rhythmic dance atop a distant cliffside. Interpreting the creature's movements as a personal insult, Itto decided the cheeky monster required a firm lesson in respect. Channeling geo elemental energy into his fist, he executed a powerful leaping strike, shouting the name of his loyal beetle companion, Ushi. The energetic little beast soared across the chasm like a living projectile, sending the startled Hilichurl tumbling backward while its soft, rounded body bounced comically against the rocks.

Emboldened by his minor victory, Itto decided to seek out Kujou Sara once more to settle old scores. Upon locating her near the domain entrance, he unleashed an endless torrent of elaborate boasts and heated insults, delivering a trademark angry-ghost tirade that nearly caused the composed tengu general to collapse from sheer mental exhaustion.

As the musical score surged toward its dramatic climax, the lyrics echoed across the quiet valley: When the breeze blows, the flames grow hot. The greedy are in chaos in the world of the waiters. Itto activated his elemental burst, summoning the golden club of the Oni King to smash through opposing forces with unrestrained fury. Oh, what a magnificent view. It is truly a natural sacrifice to the art of battle.

In a subsequent scene, Itto encountered the mechanical automated sentinels of ancient ruins, only to summon his loyal subordinate Gorou into the fray. The little General Gorou materialized in a flurry of tactical support, floating gracefully through the air while a chorus of adorable Shiba Inus surrounded him in a protective formation. Itto reached out, affectionately patting the canine warrior on the head while Gorou let out a flustered bark, utterly overwhelmed by the affectionate humiliation.

Following a whirlwind of chaotic combat and explosive energy, the dust finally settled across the battlefield, leaving behind a trail of smoking ruins and scattered debris. As the final notes of the anthem faded into the evening breeze, the screen displayed a final contemplative phrase: When the sun goes down, we shall never forget a red sun shining above heaven.

The video concluded with a final comedic shot of Arataki Itto marching triumphantly across the landscape, swinging a club made of chocolate treats and merrily smashing the heads of nearby monsters with a blissfully vacant grin plastered across his face.