New Song: "Mostly Scientifically Accurate Unicorn Song" (Patreon)

A long time ago, when the earth was green,

There were more kinds of animals than you've ever seen.

There were sabertooths and mammoths, archaeopteryx,

And meerkats, moose, and millipedes in the mix.

There were mermaids and sirens in the deep blue sea,

Turned out they're mostly seals or a manatee.

A rhino far away looked like a horse with a horn,

And philosophers called it a unicorn.

Now in the Middle East, a big storm did brew,

With more precipitation than they were used to.

A fella named Noah said God told him to build

A boat before they all got killed.

And take some

Green alligators and long-necked geese,

Some humpty-back camels and some chimpanzees.

Some cats and rats and elephants, but don't you forget

Enough room for their food and their nests and shit.

Now, it took years for Noah to build that ark,

And chase down all the animals so they could embark.

Deforesting the neighborhood, growing feed,

And wrangling waiting animals because they’d breed.

They didn't have Komodo dragons or kangaroos,

No rattlesnakes or wildebeests or cockatoos,

No hungry hungry hippos, and sure as you're born,

Neither rhinoceroses nor unicorns.

Well, the rain came down, and the Ark hit the tide,

It had maybe four hundred species inside.

And unbeknownst to Noah, while things flooded there,

The rest of the world was spared.

Sorry, pal, we got 

Records from the Chinese, they did just fine,

And Western Europeans, an unbroken line.

In North and South America, and Africa too,

So, Noah, the only one all wet was you.

The waters receded, and the rainbow was a sign

That God would never again flood the world -- but he was lyin’.

Because of global warming, we’ll be sunk someday,

But none of that is why you don't see unicorns play.

They're on a big magic island in the Irish Sea,

With hippogriffs and pegasi and a dragon or three.

Some goblins, orcs, and dwarves and elves and fairies too,

‘Cause they never know what stupid stuff the humans will do.

They turn those green alligators into purses and shoes,

And camels are beasts of burden they abuse.

So a pony at the Ren Faire, with a cardboard horn,

Is as close as you can get to a u... ni... corn.

Music: "The Unicorn" by Shel Silverstein