New Song: "Rhinestone Claymore" (Patreon)

Okay, this one will make no sense at all unless you watch this video first:

https://youtube.com/shorts/a_9kPQ0-oqU?si=dFjrpjl74hnhBpfC

I’ve been walking these streets so longChafing against this thongI know every fold in my cellulite’s chapped and itchy.Discomfort’s the name of the game,By the end of the day I’m bowlegged or I’ve gone lame

There's been a load of ugly fashionMy bank account has seen some trashing,And I can't believe the clothes they're puttin’ on me --

Like a rhinestone claymore,With my boobs thrusting out like a hooker or the rockettesI can't take one day moreOf these halogen headlights I’ve got hanging on my chest,At least it distracts from the rest.

Now, the bad outfits just won't stop,There's a Saint Laurent strapless topCosts thirty-five hundred, and barely covers my nipples.And the Miss Sohee cropped Vanguard,Two shoulder-length gloves with a bra attached fails so hard.

There's been a load of ugly clothingFrom men who look at gals with loathing.But I found a use for this crap they're sellin’ to me --

Like this rhinestone claymore,sixty-six hundred dollar Red Sonja-style chain brassiere,Maybe I’ll cosplay Thor,Take a hammer to designers who display this crap each year,Give me yoga pants and a bustier.

Now this ain't what I wanted to play,See, I’m in the SCA,I’ve got a big Scottish sword like they used at Collodun.And there's also a big ol’ mine,The blowing up shrapnel all over Vietnam kind.

See, I’m an ancient grognard gamer,There's different stuff I use that name for,But I can adapt, with this super glue, just wait and see --

Got a rhinestone claymore,And it sparkles and shines when it's takin’ off someone's head.Another rhinestone claymore,Push the button, everyone around it is stylishly dead,That guy's got a disco ball for a head --

From my rhinestone claymore,And I'm still wearing that Red Sonja-style chain brassiere,Gotta find Prince Namor,Who has nothing to do with this, but I need a rhyme right here,A non sequitur, just so we're clear....

Music: "Rhinestone Cowboy" by David Weiss