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Episode 403: Guard Card (Patreon)

Published:
2024-09-09 12:56:59
Edited:
2024-10-11 00:15:10
Imported:
2026-06
Tags:

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Content

We talk to Jasper Craven about his big old article on the security industry plus Punisher Skull culture and freaked-out paranoia of the American Grey Man

Read The Thin Purple Line by Jasper Craven

Discounted Harper's subscription

Files

Comments

dam

Hallo schlampe 👋

Travis

Felix begins speaking at… oh wait nvm.

grant brown

- I hear there’s a fed… - Hi, I’m Jasper, I’m new!

dominic

Good morniiiiiing, trueanon! have a great day!

Noah

Nothin better than a banger in the morning

Brendan Garcia

The rooster’s call is also not a pastoral “cock-a-doodle doooo!!!” like you hear in cartoons, it’s a guttural “erch-erch-aaaraghhh!!!”

Zac

General Malaise

will michel

9/11s coming up how is everyone celebrating this year

BeanCurd

General Anxiety Disorder

Brian Long

Going to binge the 9/11 series again - it’s tradition.

Blank

Brace have you been to Astor place barber? I feel like you’d dig the vibe

grant brown

Also have u had nyc pizza slice

Blank

lol what the pt being it’s cliche/basic?

Peanut Horse

General boobs sounds like a slutty Halloween costume you’d find in a spirit Halloween store

John Doe

My Father was Mr Banks, you can call me Piggy.

Kieran K

general-talia

Guydude

Brace is lion too, sir.

grant brown

haha kinda but now i feel mean (suite 303 is best in nyc imo)

wailing ken jennings

brace, im glad you did not apologize for being who you are with your bdsm accessories. i ran into a similar issue in a berlin airport, and boy do those guysnot go clubbing in that city *nearly* enough.

Blank

lol fair enough. They’re actually good tho! Or used to be, since Covid I’ve cut my own hair

Matt Jolo

Fall Fart, Kamala Cop

——

Canoeing is shooting someone in the head in a way that blows away a Canoe shape from the skull

Michael S. Judge

Felix spoke earlier about putting Gold Bond on your ass, and I've never done it, but I trust him

John Lemieux

A little San Diego tie in: the special forces asshole who flipped his testimony and let Gallagher get off on the murder charges was a guy named Giorgio Kirylo, and he recently k***ed himself.

Mango Bolsonaro

A lot of places that you are forced to go to get certification really do feel like human animal kill shelters. (DMV, Drug testing facilities, Drivers Training schools).

Travis

I have done this!

grant brown

honestly it’s a good tip

John Lemieux

That’s major general pussy to you

grant brown

read this msg bc brain flagged Lemieux 🐧 🏒

D. Elwood

really liked the article, reminded me of that Shane Bauer piece on the CCA years ago; funny that I think he also mentions the 9.40/h minimum wage in that, nice to know some things don't change

——

Brace: “yea I have guns and carry guns but I do it in a cool way, you do it in a weird lame way “

Alejandro Pepsi

My wife is a licensing analyst. Everyday she stops complete nut jobs from getting licensed so she kinda is better than cops at keeping you safe.

b2b saas purveyor

fun fact david berman was one a security guard at the Met

David Browm

Wanna take braces guns or Liz's creams? Not when I'm around mother fucker

eduard karpoev

Honestly real asf. I'm a citizen of 2 countries ans I've thought about either following through with the 1 year of conscription or joining the US National Guard. Like I know its fucking stupid either way but its like a male yearning to not be a victim in the same way men are drawn to martial arts because no matter how unlikely you are to get in a fight in the modern world their is a perpetual fear of getting your ass kicked.

Tryg

BARRED!

Dennis

At the mention of his bank, I realize Alexander Hamilton would make a great subject for y’all to dive into. Gore Vidal had some very interesting comments about his idea of why Aaron Burr shot Hamilton for example.

Clean Shirt Piggie

Isn’t Brace being a recovering addict with a gun a Hunter Biden wannabe?

Matthew Ho

i'd love a whole series about this fetishization of the civil war doomsday prepper tarkov fantasy. What is the mass hysteria causing Americans to yearn for zombie apocalypse?

TrueAnonPod

hunter is on another level I am not on his level

boop

take my podcast cohost…no , please ,take them!

Arid

So true about the paranoia in gun culture. I do USPSA target shooting and it's very laid back poke-holes-in-cardboard type hobby. Every now and then we'll have cops or tactical bros show up, can't shoot for shit, and never come back Also the cops usually have these tomb raider type thigh strap holsters that make their butt look cute

grymm

I don't have any friends despite being very likeable and fun. Hi.

Matty C

The National Guard won't do that. It'll just give you knee problems and bad shooting habits.

Clean Shirt Piggie

For the polygraph ep you should have Liz take Brace’s gun and throw it in a grocery store trash can then frantically return to look for the gun an hour later. Have Yung administer the lie detector to Brace & Liz about the gun disposal and recovery process

Rangifer Tarandus

"what the dog doin" should've had YC on a mic sooner

Alex

Just paused the episode to read jasper’s article and it’s so so good y’all

eduard karpoev

Yeah ik, if the US had a 1 year conscription course of going to Basic & AIT I'd probably do that. The thing is though I have no interest in fighting for the US and the minimum 3 year contract is still pretty long. Their is no real good outlet for wanting to get trained as a civilian tbh

crunchyonion

i’m so glad yall have been letting yung chomsky out of his enclosure to play with the microphone

Noname

"The suburbs dream of violence. Asleep in their drowsy villas, sheltered by benevolent shopping malls, they wait patiently for the nightmares that will wake them into a more passionate world." JG Ballard mainlining the suburban id.

Jolene

General Arousal

Jolene

General Stimulus

B

impeccable use of the oblivion guard “STOP” soundbite ofc this episode rocked. I’m surprised nobody received the wisdom in brace extolling the virtues of a sap/blackjack. Jasper was so funny, the piece was great, the interview was great. Thank you for this digital splendor.

Jasper Petty

Solidarity with my fellow Jasper. There isn’t many of us and we must stick together .

T

I served with Seaman Stains and Roger the Cabin Boy

T

I went through a prepper phase - more gardening and canning than storing ammo and beans, but I was prepping none the less. In retrospect it was a response to ptsd - an attempt to control a world that had done some very real physical and emotional damage to me and my family. My prepping urge faded as I processed my trauma and learned to deal with my anxiety.

Andrew Lyman

Some of the guys who adopt the gray man identity don't even wanna be heroes they just wanna be proven right. "you should have listened to me" or whatever. At least that how some guys I know are

Vincent

I think, if you're going with Boobs as the third thing, Admiral Titties is better.

T

Had a thought. Could the increase in people not feeling safe walking in their neighborhood be correlated with increased homeless roaming our cities?

D

I worked for Universal right before Allied bought them and tbh it was great. Good people, good pay/medical, etc. Super easy too nothing ever happened

TrueAnonPod

no fuckinw ay your name is Jasper Petty bro

elizabethonline

heavy SILENCE after liz suggested a trump run for NYC mayor…the boys were stunned in the face of raw divinity

Betsy

General boobs 🫡

Natalie

only if you're scared of homeless people, which normal people aren't

T

I personally am not as a man, but most of the women in my life don't feel safe getting followed by tweaked out homeless at night lol. Not saying they need to be liquefied

Carter Drake

As a temple graduate, the point about parents from the suburbs presuming the city is unsafe is very true, all of the social media for temple police is filled with comments from fox addicted parents spouting off random fantasies of violence

Isaac Suárez

Gotta give Young Chomsky credit for the Oblivion Imperial Guard soundbite pull 😂

Jennifer Hammerhead

10:57. Me,screaming IT'S A BLACK JACK! A BLAACCK JAAACKK. While I vacuum my bosses office.

Jolene

Brace did you use chat gpt for your poem at the end

Jolene

LMM may have tainted that subject

Li Hongzhi

There’s a college football player whose name is General Booty

Li Hongzhi

Major General is a lower rank than General though

MD

My geriatric neighbors name is Dick Seaman

Agent Grange

Fun fact, dog pay is actually $7 for every human dollar. Also I'm obsessed with the idea that Pelaton has to have armed private security as their Swiss Guard to defend themselves from their own shareholders if they ever come knocking.

jrab

“Lie detectors” are magical pseudo-technology like “truth serums”, “artificial intelligence”, etc.

A_ZO

Jaspers laugh is adorable

Jingle Jangler

The security guards at my ER are allied. They do carry guns but are literally not allowed to use them. Most useless, potbellied sloths I've ever met, mostly. A few try hards and a few guys who are actually good normal dudes but it's obvious to me that company is fucked.

Kevin Price

Have you seen the crazy Philly cop with an enormous rifle with a 100 round magazine

SippyCup

you used to be able to fool them by clenching your butt cheeks

Alex “WORLDWIDE” Kellar

As someone who worked bar and concert security off and on for like 15 years, a lot of this hits (minus the training lol, you just have to be either over 6 feet tall or over 200lbs). Some places I saw what police culture might be about (omnidirectional insane racism that ceases to exist among those inside the circle, bullying dickhead behavior, and wild corruption/double standards… plus you wouldn’t believe how fucking armed some of these guys are under the black security t-shirts) Other spots and times I saw the potential for actual de-escalation in practice. But yeah, the pay is shit and you’re often out there alone and up shits creek if anything goes down, and that constant alertness will wreck your mind and body

SippyCup

Temple Grad here too, no doubt theres tons of fear mongering. The Temple Police force is a joke, and that mom was whack for hiring the security guard, but there have been some instances of students straight up dying or being held hostage in the past couple years.

Ben

A couple weeks ago a security guard killed someone at a grocery store in Portland, OR. Also in front of a Safeway. Also all the security guards around here have big ass guns idk if it’s a state law or something that means they don’t in NY

Mike Bess

J-Crave was great.

Matty C

Met a Petty Officer Seaman

Oliver Crane

This episode is hitting a little close to home.

chronye

rip banko brown

Henry

what about General Patton

Alexander Johnson

Shame to hear that TrueAnon is in the pocket of Big Harper's. What's next? Selling out to the New York Review of Books?

Soup Kitchen 2

I thought you said “general lube” and tbh its better for the joke than general boobs

dplol

Sheepdog

12345

It's so funny the disconnect between where the security craze happens and where violence actually occurs. Like the supermarkets are covered in guards but I've experienced way more violence working at Pizza Hutt and the emergency department.

TrueAnonPod

yeah that's why we wanna use one. I would use that other shit too if I knew how to get it. We're making RADIO here

gus

Dude it’s so weird to hand over a receipt to an armed guard in like Hawthorne… Idgi

Jabroni Ludd

Canoeing is not death by tomahawk. It is a euphemism that references the canoe shaped wound that occurs when you shoot a small high velocity round like 5.56 into the face at an upward angle. Think JFK back and to the left but instead down the middle so that a football shaped wound replaces the space between your eyes where your forehead would be.

Jabroni Ludd

Popularized by the Naval special warfare tier one geeks as a way of ‘scalping’ the dead that was also a unit calling card that calls to mind the mutilations of the phoenix program.

K H

There is actual need for security at bars and concerts. Thank you for your service. Unless you were mean to me.

K H

They can't hit shit except a dog in a penn anyway.

K H

Specialist Lube reporting 🫡!

K H

Absolute layup.

K H

Well housing costs are rising due to algorithmic price fixing, so it is possible.

K H

Major Titties

K H

No Thomas. No!

Héctor

Great episode and great deal on Harper's 👍🏻

Mauve_Avenger

"General boobs" is not good. "General friction" was right there. Bring me on the pod

SMARCEY

Why am I in no way surprised to hear that Brace owns a sap lmao

Clammy_Damp

Shoutout to General Butt Naked

Joe

General Self Loathing

Mitch

I’m a stationary engineer in a west loop building and I will say the level that management and security went to over the DNC was nuts. They were watching local news and worrying over potential for windows to be hypothetically broken.

Kyle Doeden

As long as we're telling dream jokes, I had a dream where I got two tattoos. One was a pair of handcuffs with the words "10 minute rule" which I knew meant that you shouldn't wear handcuffs in a fetish capacity for more than 10 minutes. Then on the other side I got a bear trap with the words "zero minute rule". It's a good punchline, but does rely on the fully made up 10 minute rule as the setup. 😫

Samuel Z Goldberg

The other night I saw an armed guard outside of Quarterworld. Do we seriously need guns at the barcade?

John Lemieux

Is that how you talk to an admiral?

Laura

yung chomsky with the tina belcher laugh @ 3:43

Sean

s/o to YC for mentioning Thief: The Dark Project

Cameron Young

Holy Crap Liz you must have seen the WSJ Article on Tether. 190 Billion a day!?! More than all of Visa changing hands

Joe

Looking forward to Brace's Rambo arc!

Joe

but but but they drew first blood not me

Amanda

Is there a gray man equivalent for a girl who’s just silly and worried about danger at all times?

Brian Ward

Brace! I actually published an academic paper on the history of cockfighting in early-twentieth-century Ireland. I also think cocks deserve valour although I didn't explicitly make this point in the paper

Kaleb

Also, the guest sounds like Edward Norton

Nathan El

Why is Liz talking about bikers? She’s parroting the narrative of the feds. Fuckin dumb.

Selecao9

Are you referring to their comments about the Hell's Angels?

Ben

Nobody going to say general booty?

treat

Oblivion NPC dialogue soundbite on TrueAnon on the week of my wedding?!?! What a gift thank you

Alex “WORLDWIDE” Kellar

As long as you weren’t drinking underage or being a horrific dick you were probably fine lol

B P

My neighbors rooster was killed when defending the coop from a hawk, a valiant death. No hens were harmed. I think Brace’s stance on fighting chickens is fundamentally backwards. Forcing them to fight is not giving them honor, it’s robbing them of the opportunity to truly earn it in death. I wish I could post a photo of him here, he was beautiful. RIP Blue, I can still feel your penetrating gaze from the beyond.

Selecao9

lol who cares fuck those fascist pigs

Breakaway

Back in the 00s, I knew this arrogant, macho hippy dude who claimed he carried a big, rubber dildo for self defense, because he could tell cops it was for sex stuff and not a weapon. Anyway, he crashed his car and died while fleeing the cops after robbing a medical grow op somewhere in the Emerald Triangle.

Natalie

this ep was freaky and sad but also a lot of fun. I love your rapport with this great guest and welcome him back anytime (I'm the arbiter of guests who are allowed back)

Natalie

brilliant

Natalie

happy wedding 💒

Swimaroo

It pisses me off that I have to wait in line at self checkout because there's only 2 cashiers and then I have to wait in line again for security guard 😮‍💨 best to go to Beaverton

AfroCommie

just at the start of the ep. here, please please invite cory doctorow one day

Blaine M

I need to hear the brace drawing a gun story

Ball Atreides

General Taylia sounds kinda like genitalia idk

Kelson

Was thay in nevada county or Willits?

Gwyn

We had two roosters and about 15 hens. One rooster had really fucked up energy and was always kind of attacking everyone, including the hens. The other rooster was calm and did not attack unless there was actually a threat to the hens. He also foraged for food for them and had a special call when he found something good. You could say one rooster represented toxic masculinity while the other one represented healthy masculinity. You can guess which one the hens liked and which one became coq au vin. The trick is to have one rooster for a small flock. They aggravate each other.

Gwyn

My point being, I agree that there are better ways for roosters to find honor.

Breakaway

I don’t remember where it happened exactly. Somewhere with windy mountain roads

gibbypatrol

Love when we get to hear a Liz poem

Shiv

shout out to YC for not giving in to the opportunity for a Hamilton 🎶 drop/jumpscare

Natalie

also brace the poem was legitimately good

Natalie

RIP Blue ✊🏼💙

Jon B

Anyone else listening while on building patrol?

Kelson

There was a jacked hippie dude ripping off a few of my friends back in the day, lol. But there were a lot of hippie dudes stealing pot at that time

Sam de Waele

They’re a fucking cartel of rapist psychopaths

Aaaaaaaaaaaron1

"canoeing" as it was explained to me was shooting someone in the forehead and having the bullet essentially split the top of the head open. don't remember where I heard that. But apparently seal team 6 did that to bin laden after explicitly being warned not to, and that's maybe why there aren't (public) pics confirming his death

Anon Ibid

My partner works for allied. When she went to training there was only 1 other white person in the group. She googled his knuckle tattoos cause she thought it was some nazi shit. Turned out to be a Sons of Anarchy tattoo.

Anon Ibid

I had also heard that canoeing someone was standing over them and shooting them point blank in the head with a hollow point... but years later I encountered the hatchet narrative.

Daniel

Brother Brace’s “you are the freak here” bit around the hour 22 mark about the paranoid delulu Amerikkkan’s wandering around heavily armed LOOKING and WANTING for a chance to be a hero by the path of violence is so fucking on point. This whole episode rocks

BruiseBlu

I remember seeing a dude wearing a green ‘tactical’ graphic tee with Keith Harring style army men with guns and repelling from helicopters. It’s like if Chapele Roan gets cast as the next Punisher

libra man

…but buttbuttbutt butt

Nathan El

You don’t know what you’re talking about . Speaking truth matters and it’s pathetic to parrot the narrative fed to the public by American law enforcement.

Nathan El

You’re a moron.

Aaron Christmas

Whoa new Til Death Do Us Blart dropped early this year!

Selecao9

do their cocks taste that good? don't forget to come up for air sometime

Petrorenminbi

Private browsing Major hotties General anxiety

Selene

anyone ever thought about how orwell sounds like oral

Louise

Oh man I follow graymanbrief on Instagram. Their take on events is fascinating. One comment under a recent "Civil Unrest Brief" was by a personal security and consulting llc advising "Heads on a swivel" and another comment whose profile pic looks like the Punisher skull wearing shooting earmuffs says "When and where does the shooting start"

LPO Crane Jefferson

I've seen so many think piece headlines prepping the masses for the return of Andrew Nipple-Piercings Cuomo.

Nathan El

You mean the feds that you’re gagging on? Keep parroting the narrative that’s been fed to you by the government

Liam Potter

Punchline- Generic Cialis

hotgirl69

I hope more tickets become available 🤓

Nothingburger Burgerreich

Suggestion: generally boobs. So the joke goes: I need a small army to help me jack off: private browsing, major hotties, and General Lee Boobs