how I make decisions (Patreon)

today is my 32nd birthday woohoo! :D the older I get, the more I'm able to accept myself as I am and my desire to work with rather than against myself grows in tandem. making the artwork for this month took me in more places than I could have predicted at the start. at a certain point, the frequent changes take on a humorous bent and I realized I was waiting to see how things would unfold like any other onlooker.

let me take you through the pivots of my thought process. it started out like any other month, sketch some ideas, see what sticks, and go from there. nothing out of the ordinary til my eye lingered on artworks with strong compositions. feeling struck by their overflowing presence and impact, I did some quick studies to try to understand their workings on the most basic level.

my note that reads "restraint is a skill". why does it feel so hard to leave things empty?

I wanted to try and make a piece that spoke in that same strong compositional language, so I did some more sketches based on what I had learned. from experience I know that these first attempts will tend to be half-baked. not enough time has passed yet for the lessons to sink in, for me to even know how to use the new information. it's okay, everything is built in trying.

here comes the part where I panic a bit.

3 attempts at artworks for the postcard, none of which work for varying reasons. trying too many new things at once. I've never forgotten littletinyegg's 20% maxim, that the most you can ever really push outside of your comfort zone in a new piece sits around 20%. anything past that and you just end up lost, below that you find yourself bored in want of a challenge. the last piece I like quite a bit, but it feels so divorced from how I'm actually feeling in the midst of summer. it's better suited to a cooler, darker time of year when the days are short and the night reigns supreme.

1 week left before I have to present a postcard and sticker to the patrons. ok, let's reset. I take note of what isn't working among the above 3 and gather that they all just feel too heavy and serious. I figured something lighter in tone, more soothing less bold would suit my mood better. enter a fairly strong pivot.

as I've shared in last month's sketchbook posts, I've been painting a lot lately. even though the patreon mail is usually made digitally, the majority of the art I make these days is actually done traditionally. painting is one of my favorite mediums and is when I feel most "free" making art. I like how the medium does a lot of the heavy lifting and creates unexpected effects and layers that somehow always turn out beautifully without my intervention.

I noticed I was inherently drawn to mixing shades of blues and greens and could sense I was in need of something refreshing. it felt like a step in the right direction, away from the solemn heaviness of grey blues and thick paints, toward something lighter, porous, and filled with ease. I leaned into the new color palette and gathered tactile sources from my environment (sheer curtains near my desk, the breeze blowing through the screened windows, the taste of sweet hydrating fruit on a hot day) to create a feeling I could relate to. things finally began to click on a fundamental level and I didn't feel a need to reject the idea as it stood.

for me, making art isn't about searching for what is perfect. or more accurately, art is a vessel that takes on the energy of your approach. as my general approach toward life, toward myself, loosens and expands, so too does my willingness to meet the art where it's at. to not force it into shapes or toward directions it ultimately doesn't want to go or isn't the right time for. I see my role of artist as one of paying attention to that energy flow and helping it along. what do I wish for at 32? that the energy may flow where it needs to go, that I can accept it when it does and not resist whatever lessons I need to learn.

speedpaint is up top, wallpapers are below. thank you for reading and enjoy <3