Upsetting Day: Nathen Mazri's Sin Business🌭 (Patreon)

If you’ve got a big problem with sinning and no understanding of how psychology works at all, have I got a product for you, but first we have to talk about Garfield. Yes, it’s time already for my yearly Nathen Mazri check-in. To quickly catch you up, Nathen Mazri opened a Garfield-themed restaurant, and when he lost the Garfield license, his fragile psyche could not handle being dumped by Garfield. He’s since embarked on several ventures to attempt to win Garfield back, including selling Scooby-Doo-themed frozen meals, creating a “comedy” podcast starring a thinner, sexier Garfield knockoff, running for conservative political office in Canada, and now he’s started a wellness company that combats sinning. None of that made Garfield horny.

A lot of people get really into wellness stuff after a breakup, so maybe this is a healthy part of his healing journey! I mean, it’s as healthy as designing a skinny version of your ex that also looks a little like you and using it as a brand ambassador can possibly be. There are so many confusing things about what is happening here. Is he in love with Garfield, does he want to control Garfield, or does he want to be Garfield? I truly can’t tell anymore.

I think the current phase of Nathen, began when he publicly announced he was ending a period of celibacy. Yes, he looks scared and confused to learn this in the photo announcement, but I promise that was a stylistic choice. He announced his celibacy with a photoshoot, so I guess he could only announce ending it the same way.

Obviously everyone saw this announcement and immediately thought, is Nathfield, the cartoon Garfield knockoff Nathen created and produced four episodes of a comedy podcast for, also still celibate? Don’t worry, Nathen made sure to clear that up in the comments section of this post. Check out this conversation between Nathen, Nathen as Nathfield, Nathen as the Garfield Eats account that he still posts from even though he’s no longer a Garfield license holder, and Nathen as the Scooby-Doo account he still posts from even though he also doesn’t have that license. Garfield and Scooby ain’t eating anything of his anymore.

There’s nothing like celebrating your choice to fuck again with three of your imaginary friends. Why is Scooby-Doo excited about him fucking? What’s going on there? What drives a man to shadow puppet Scooby-Doo into cheering for his penis decisions? We’ve all got to stop considering things like that if we want to make it through this article.

So as we all know Nathen is fucking again and clearly thinking about fucking a lot, but he has no real direction, nothing to advertise or work toward, so he goes back to a familiar classic and posts about how Garfield is Muslim because all animals are Muslim and Garfield is very famously a cat. This checks out. Also, the edited photo he used really looks like he and Muslim Garfield are announcing their gay marriage. It’s important to note that it’s been six years now since this man has had any legal ties to Garfield, and he’s still this obsessed. He posted this two months ago.

In June he started getting mad about sperm. Sorry, he’s mad about the lack of sperm. He’s mad that a company called NEXT Life Sciences is attempting to create an easy and reversible male birth control option, which he called “the opening salvo in the total war on sperm.”

This man is adrift, and he needs a life raft. Back in June, he half-heartedly posted on the Garfieldeatsofficial account about launching an “energy snack” called Punch Eats with a new monkey mascot he made up called Punch. It’s clear that Punch never ignited in him the passion that Garfield did, and Punch Eats never materialized beyond two posts where you could comment if you wanted to pre-order and no one did.

The issue was Nathen already had an IP he made that he’s attached to. An IP he promised would soon no longer be celibate, and a cat who fucks is the perfect mascot for premilk. You might be thinking, why does premilk sound so perverted? I can’t really answer that, but I can definitely tell you there’s something subliminal there and the advertising isn’t helping.

So this is clearly a joke, right? Or he thinks he’s using sort of provocative jokey advertising to draw people in and distinguish himself in the bovine colostrum industry, which is an industry, by the way. Pre-milk is the milk a mother calf makes within the first few days of giving birth, and freaky little muscle boys really want to drink it, according to my research. So it’s not like he came up with this; he’s once again just a “branding wizard.” he takes a product someone else made and slaps a new label on it, and the label has a horny, legally distinct from Garfield cat that makes you real thirsty for pre-milk, and oh yeah he calls the product GOONCALF.

He also hates milk now. He’s taunting milk for some reason that I’m sure is very upsetting for the dairy industry. If anyone was ever going to become an anti-milk supervillain it’s this man.

So, we’re doing jokes and bits about sperm and threatening milk to sell protein powder, I guess? But the important thing to remember about this wellness company is that it’s also deeply religious and its second product is devoted to preventing you from sinning, because sins aren’t productive. In this case, sinning seems to mainly mean masturbating and doomscrolling. As we all know, the Bible is extremely anti-Instagram.

What is an Anti-Porn strip? It’s like a Listerine strip, but it contains caffeine, B-12, and L-Theanine, and from what I can tell, you’re supposed to take it when you’re thinking of sinning. I personally think the caffeine would just get me more pumped to sin, but it’s intended to be a behavioral tool that stops you from sinning. Does it taste bad? You might be wondering, like, is the idea that you taste this bitter, horrible thing and then you associate that bad taste with the feeling of sinning? No, it tastes like cranberry.

So every time you think about sinning, you get a delicious little snack and a burst of energy? I don’t think that’s how behavioral science works, my guy. I just don’t think this plan is very well thought out. He’s created a sin snack—a little reward for considering sin.

Not all of them contain caffeine. There’s also a sin snack night night version that contains Chamomile and melatonin and is meant to put you to sleep. This might prove more effective, since you can’t sin if you’re sleeping. Unless God counts dream sins, which you might have more of if you’ve conditioned yourself to associate the taste of berry with sinning.

The strips cost $34.99 for a box of thirty; now it’s important to keep in mind that price is absolutely ridiculous. We’re talking about vaguely raspberry-flavored paper. I found literally the exact same strips on Walmart.com for $27.99, literally, and I do mean they are literally the same thing. The strips are just branded differently, but inside the containers, the bagged product is the same, so you can easily tell these are the same product in different packages.

So that extra seven dollars is what Nathen had to pay himself for the licensing rights for the cat; it was probably like five dollars when he was celibate, but now that it fucks, he’s upping the price. He also sells them in massive quantities, up to 180 at a time for $164.99. So I guess he’s imagining people are going to be sinning a lot! It might not work the first time, or the second time, but the 180th time you give yourself a little treat for sinning, a light is going to go off in your brain that says, "This is delicious, and I hate it."

Nathen has also started a school where he can teach you how to have the audacity. It costs $199 OR $99 a month for two months. It includes lessons on things like The Triangle of Licensing, royalties, and why it’s ok to pronounce a mascot's deep religious devotion and kiss them a little.

I could never have imagined the evolution of this dedicated Garfield maniac. Part of me fears he will be president of the United States someday. The man does not give up, and he seems to have just enough money never to have to do anything but be publicly divorced from Garfield. Surely if he just keeps making businesses, one of them will work, right? I look forward to next year's report on Nathfield’s latest venture: deep-sea exploration, a physical store that rents DVDs. Maybe he’ll get into the Segway market? Anything is possible at this point.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: John McCarthy, who is also a clean, minty, refreshing snack you can have as a little reward after thinking about sin.

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