Unfinished Song-in-Progress: Fighter (Patreon)

I wrote this recently while walking home from... I'm actually not sure what 😅 but I find that I actually start writing pieces of things while I'm just out for a quick walk pretty often, even if I'm just on my way somewhere as opposed to just out for a leisurely stroll.

Fun fact: I don't typically listen to music or anything while I'm walking, partly because I don't want to deprive myself of the random flashes of inspiration I get while my mind is more "idle".

I wrote this piece about the part of me that took over for childhood KT - the part of me that got me through all the hard stuff and dealt with all the trauma, and ultimately, kept me safe. But also, the one who holds all my negative beliefs about myself and the one who people pleases and avoids setting boundaries because she learned that keeping everyone else happy was the safest bet for surviving 🫣

I never really got much chance to just be a kid. I took on parent/caretaker and therapist roles by the time I was 6...honestly probably younger, I just don't remember. And that was too much for a kid to take on, so... enter fighter KT 💪

But the thing is, I don't need fighter KT anymore. I don't need to be in constant fight or flight. I'm no longer in an unstable/unsafe environment. And don't get me wrong, it's not been that way for very long, but... a couple years now, anyway. So the part of me that learned to keep me safe in those toxic environments isn't really doing me any good anymore. She's actually hurting me more than helping, now.

Like... do you ever find yourself questioning good things and putting up walls/pushing good people away because you're so used to good things meaning that bad things are coming? Because you're so used to being manipulated by people you thought you could trust that trusting anyone feels, not just difficult and scary, but legitimately unsafe?

That's fighter KT. She had a reason to learn those things and those things genuinely kept me safe for a long time, but now they just leave me...lonely. And anxious.

But it's reeeeally hard to let her go. Because she got me where I am today. She was all of me for a really long time.

So this is just a little diddy I wrote about that while I walked home one day 🤷‍♀️

Lyrics:

Learn to let go of the fighter

'Cause I am safe now

She got me here

But now she's shutting out

All the ones who wanna love me

I love her, but she's struggling

To let them in

(('Cause she's always been

Fighting))