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We catch up with staff shuffles in the Trump cabinet, Canadian elections, and more crackdowns on expressing dissent around Israel. Then for the back half of this ep we’re pleased to bring you AROUND THE SMOKE, our new segment breaking down our picks, locks, and passes on who we think will be leading the Catholic Church in the next season. Will the next pontificate go to a flashy newcomer who can lead the franchise to a new era? A steady hand with a mastery of the fundamentals? Did Francis really put up the numbers we’re led to believe he did? Where’s a good Sixtus when you need him? Will, Matt & Felix break all the key stats down YOU need to know heading into this year’s Conclave.

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Comments

jer

Second lil bitches

Jamal James

Chapo releases on my birthday🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

ploob

🫡

ploob

Oh he back

Michael S. Judge

Respectfully, you fuckin' Prots are standing on my corner now

Michael S. Judge

As the man once said: Sono eretici, il mio Signore, ma non cattivi

JD Nonce

Everyone remember that show the Young Pope or something where Jude Law played like a sexy pope who drinks cherry coke? I think I remember everyone at the time being like ‘this is the Trump pope’. Totally possible that someone is going to tell me this tv show doesnt exist and I dreamed it while recovering from sun stroke

christoph.s

As a catholic, I must say Felix would make a great Pope he is already celibate and antisemetic.

justdave

If the actual Christman doesn't have a say in your little ruby slipper ceremony, I'll tell the ghost of Bill the Butcher to haunt your entire family

Michael S. Judge

You tell Bill the Butcher he's got 6 weeks of being an altar boy at 7 a.m. mass trying to decide whether to wake up the violent rage priest who's already shitfaced in the sacristy, wondering if you could take him 1v1 in a molestation battle

Ligma

You guys would love Newfies

justdave

Don't make me get my ouiji board - I know how much they scare you people

Michael S. Judge

I'm related to so many dead priests that you won't even get a dial tone before they're yelling at you

sam

matt sounds so good!!!!

interzoa

PopeWatch of course Matt wouldn't miss it

Matthew

Habemus Slopam 🙏

Himbo Slice

For those of us that live in Australia Michael Portillo and his endless train surveys and expeditions is the only programming allowed on SBS after 730 pm

Dan Young

The Catholics are still in the game until the day they have an American pope. If that ever happens they may as well just pack it in and nuke the Vatican.

justdave

I heard that a 1v1 molestation battle was the only way to undo a laicization

Alvaro del Campo

Matt sounding more and more coherent every time he’s on love to see it

Jack

Matt’s on top form, love to see it!

Michael S. Judge

I also have a cousin I've never met somewhere who could tell you that, because one of those priest uncles knocked up her mom and would have to leave the room every Thanksgiving and Christmas to take calls from her in rehab, in jail, etc. Lol I fuckin hate that guy

gyogyogyo

Pope segment is 👍

Reed

Our big beautiful boy Matt Christman, we love him don’t we folks! Many people are saying he’s sounding great, maybe even greater than before!

christoph.s

The Aga Khan lead the Nizārī Ismā’īlī a group that formed after the Ismā’īlī split up. (Ismā’īlī are of course Shiite, and follow the Ja‘fari jurisprudence)

Kez, please hold me

ABOUT THE ENCAMPMENTS: Does anybody know of there is any way to stream it? I'm in Australia and couldn't find a screening here...

justdave

My father was a Wisconsin catholic. The way he spoke about it always reminded me of "the road to peridition" (that gangster movie with Tom hanks) for some reason.

justdave

Poor Midwestern Catholic is like the bleakest caste. I know it turned him into the worst kind of bastard

LowEndLem

Pope watch pope watch

Des Mosome

I have a priest friend (who is a fruit). He says Tagle may take the name Francis II. Apparently Aveline (the dry boys didn’t mention him) has been called John XXIV (John XXIII brought in Vatican II). Parolin is a centrist, and is older, so may be a compromise between left and right.

Nate Wood

Felix needs to drop the fake ass laugh

George Mitri

“Frank the Tank”. GENIUS.

Joe

Who’s got smoke for me!?

Reed

Enough with the antisemitism please

Reed

Comments like this make me realize how thoroughly uneducated I am

Reed

Happy bday my fellow gay comrade

Dick Wolf

Felix, it's time to finally put your money where your mouth is and just become a Shinto fan. Look, I know it's been nearly an unbroken century of losing seasons, but the Eastern conference has become so top heavy. With your help I think we could easily sneak our way in as the wildcard over the Mickey mouse ass Buddhists or the Orthodox frauds. Maybe a hot take but I think if we're the 8 seed and Protestantism is the 1... I don't know, is it wild to say that we could win that? With your unrivaled understanding of analytics and access to Gulf Oil dark money, I really think we could go all the way.

Dick Wolf

It's been nearly 2 Millenia since the last time a Pagan team went all the way. If you won just one ring with Shinto, that's an automatic statue, think hard about how much more that would mean for your legacy.

Tyler

first

Hardcore Virgin

Congrats to all on this most sexual of days. May the genitals be thy gateway unto the soothing fields of pleasure

drewb

Deeply funny to me that Felix knows about Michael "trains" Portillo

Shane-A112

hit the nail on the head. can confirm as a downwardly mobile college educated zoomer. what are they gonna do? fire me? arrest me? I can't even aford an apartment, healthcare, or food WITH a job I needed a degree for. my humanity is all I have to look forward to. they cannot kill me in a way that matters.

justdave

Stay safe comrade. "They have to win everyday. We only have to win once." -In honor of the day, remember that your life has more importance now than ever.

Brent

🫡

Fernslinger

I’d like to point out that, while there is a preponderance of ruddy cheeked toffs careering about in Land Rover’s in the south of England, there is also a good amount of high dex, low HP thieves down here too

RanRan Bobandy

Posting this before listening and all I can say is that, as a Catholic, I just want them to pick someone that will piss off all the Trads (especially the Trad converts) that are still mad about Vatican II

Patrick Banks

During the Pornocracy there was a Pope named Lando

demonsweat

SE-DE-VA-CANT *clapclapclapclap* SE-DE-VA-CANT

SoConfused

45:40 okay I was agreeing with them up until the halberd slander, that was utterly uncalled for

Brent

Some mumble rapper needs to use the bar, “pop smoke we got a new pope”

Tim O'

I didn't know there's a Cardinal Pizzabella. If he gets elected, he should keep the name. Pope Pizzabella the First.

Savannakhet

New Pope should initiate Vatican III. I'm not a Catholic but I think that's basically the same as 'third impact' from Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Blue Myself

“I Am Second” is actually the sequel to “I Am Sam”.

Doug Cartel

Jesus Christ matt comes out swinging in the first minute

Mountain Dew Or Crab Juice

The Vatican city would be taken more seriously if they combined the MP5 and the halberds and complete our ascension to the Warhammer universe.

Doug Cartel

Felixs comments on Ukraine to me explain why we've seen multiple slip-ups where leaders call Ukraine Iraq by accident

Zach H.

Pope Luigi Mangione. It’s time for an American pope. And he takes the name of one of the Warrior Popes like Julius II.

Maxwell

Our beautiful treat boy sounding better every episode.

Throw Away

“Judaism has never been in worse shape besides the obvious”

b-rar

Every NWTer is either an ice road trucker or married to one

Harry

this one was a heater

Omegasmash

watching conclave before this episode is paying off hugely

Will

Matt sounding spry god damn. 2018 tiger woods

Quadabyte

Mark Carney will save the economy because of all the new "Fuck Carney" merch that has to be made.

Jakew

As a resident of said small town in Texas, Greg Abbott is a bitch

Marxist-Swoletarianist

“Frank the Tank” is some all-time shit. Cushboys eatin real good again.

Toshio42

I approve of this pronunciation of Poilievre. Makes him sound like an emigre provocateur George Smiley is hunting down.

Jake Scalia

What’s the song at the end of the episode?

Delapore Media

So good to hear Matt. Everytime he's on he sounds a little stronger, but this show felt like a big step forward.

nick

Skyrim (Canada) belongs to the Nords (neoliberal bankers)!

Benj

Good shit

Meowzedong

Pinoy pope would brick their weak convert minds.

Sam Bondurant

You guys are on a heater lately, I’ve been enjoying all the 70 min eps.

Woke Batou

Yes, noticeable ❤️

Sam Bondurant

Also when did evangelicals go from I am third (god, others, myself) to I am second? Maybe feels too on the nose in a post trump world

Eric

ESPN but about the conclave gotta be one of your better bits lol

McNuggie

Hear that? It’s the polish crones of Chicagoland screaming for the blood of these PJP2 blasphemers. Streets are hot, don’t come back Felix without some smoke.

Alex Weber

Cardinal Dolan is going to get selected during the Taco Bell commercial

d.a.walker

Hell yeah Tagle is like Anthony Edwards

Josiah

Always been like that tbh

Tvvvv

MATT! MATT! MATT!

Fat Cobra

Screech me in, Canada! I'm ready to leave this shit hole country

JJ Mann

“Persona Au Gratin” is top 10 Felix moments for me. Instant classic

thicchatlogan

there should be a papal combine before the conclave, I need to see their vertical and 40 times. we need a guy that can make contested catches on the boundary and in the red zone, francis was solid but a strict possession guy as your number one target limits your ceiling in the postseason.

Sam Bondurant

Went to church and did young life til I left for college and I am third was a big t-shirt/ rubber wristband slogan back then. Feel like this just got reinvented overnight to sell more merch.

Ben

Mattttttttttt

Michael Rosen

I still can't believe the draft picks Judaism gave up in that trade for Michael Rappaport

Travis

Felix begins speaking at 45 seconds

king_von_diesel

As a cradle catholic and the proud owner of 3 pairs of addidas slides, I had an actual spit take

Sam

My grandfather used to call John Paul II “Jackie Paul Deuce” and Mother Theresa “Mammy T” He walked so chapo could run

Ben Clarkson

I love Matt and I am filled with joy he is healing.

Michael S. Judge

Mother Teresa was a fucking Hollywood bum with a loser mentality (she stole a ton of money from her fake hospitals and used it to bribe Church officials to fast-track her thru canonization)

Nash

Matt is so fucking back

Cory Gipson

The Texas town in question is San Marcos. It’s not huge by any means, but serves as a major nexus point between Austin and San Antonio on I-35, which is gradually becoming one sprawling metro. It’s a college town adjacent to several parks, bodies of water, greenbelts, and a massive shopping center. It’s undergoing pretty rapid growth.

CS

“Frank the tank.” Matt seems to get better every episode. Many such cases - more and more people are saying it

Michael S. Judge

One of those NATHAN BARLEY jokes that even some Angloids don't get now, where the hack Sunday Supplement guy is trying to hire Dan, he asks what they're working on, and the guy makes a "check this shit out" face and says "What's On Michael Portillo's iPod?"

DT

It's kind of inspiring watching Matt get back up to speed. Forcing his thoughts through his new Soup Brain has to be like resistance training for the intellect. Our beloved oaf is getting gainz on his brainz.

Ceeg

He’s gonna go down as the best inside slot receiving pope since Edelman

叔叔六十四 (Uncle64)

Can't wait for Trump Pope to publish the Orange Catholic Bible Matt's working on

Wyatt Denham

I think Thomas and Jake from pendejo time used to live in San Marcos (the tiny Texas town yall talk about) I used to see them at bars around here. Also we have at least 3 maybe even 4 basketball hoops.

Mattc83

That pope draft analysis was better than anything Mel Kiper could crap out.

John Lima

Vitor Belfort mentioned!

chapotraphouse

You guys have a great squadron. I think your wins over Tengrism back when the team had a different name are the stuff of legends. I have always said, Shinto is my second team.

Nick Morolda

This is the best riffing the show has done in awhile, and possibly the best long form riff they’ve ever done. Also, it’s so Harting to see how Cush is coming back into the fold has he gets better. Earnest posting time

Matthew

No no, Screech-Ins are something we do to Canadians to fleece them of 20 bucks and inflate their bar tabs down on George Street *click click*

John Lima

What would be the League Status of the Druze currently? They have Amal Clooney on one hand but their most prominent leader Jamblatt looks like a guy who owns a carnival and of course being closely allied to Israel all point to a third tier relegation

Reece Coren

Henry Hill driving around paranoid looking for the helicopter of agents ready to drop down and arrest him for not laughing at elon’s hat wearing a hat joke

Ben

Return of the mf king

scarletsymphony

49.6% of the north west territories are Indigenous, and the population hovers between 40-50k

I.P. Freely

Last night on Monday Night Raw, Chapo made a special joke in tribute to Chris Benoit. However, some 20 years later the facts of this horrific tragedy are still providing excellent comedic material. Therefore other than my comments there will be more mentions of Mr. Benoit’s name going forward

David Woodward

Now do one for all the insane Protestant street evangelists like Todd White

Sam Zeng

One slight correction. At no point did Pierre Poilieve ever say I am just like Trump. That was actually a Liberal smear campaign.

Nico

The sports talk riff always hits. always

Cory Gipson

I don’t listen to them regularly, but I think so. It’s one of the fastest growing areas in the country. I wish that it was a small, one-stoplight town like the boys portray it here on this episode, because that would mean vocal opposition to Israel would be coming from a ruby-red part of the state. San Marcos, being a college town and right in between two of the state’s largest cities, is fairly liberal.

Michael S. Judge

You gotta remember, for non-Euro cardinals, the rules on contact and fouling are completely different when you get to FIBA (Fingers In Boys' Asses)

Horseloverfat

Rookie mistake bringing up skip to my Lou. Half of your audience disengaged to watch and 1 mixtapes.

I.P. Freely

ELCA. UCLA. MMA. Quakers in 5.

Latestagelarry

Stans of the cushvlog might recall Matt is at least partial toward Dharma FC, would love to see them make the playoffs this season

Suzie

Frank the tank, had to pause for a solid minute to laugh my ass off. PP is now being gifted a riding from another con. There will now be a bi-election for that riding. We just can't get rid of this guy. Gets popcorn ready for Conclave. Only my second one and this is way more exciting than any other draft pick.

Jackson

Pope First Take was some of the hardest I’ve laughed in awhile

David Statman

Never thought I'd live to hear Rafer Alston mentioned on Chapo

justdave

A moment of quiet reflection for our neighbors to the north.

Marcel Szabo

I think Carney is so open to the idea because it means his opponent is a known moron now.

Devin

I'm so pumped for the Fetterman reading series next week

Dick Wolf

Imagine a Shinto Veggie Tales, animated like Akira, with your Jewish TV Trickery. Every Gen Alpha iPad kid a kamikaze pilot, that's dynasty shit man.

Go'Thrak

All timer episode

Suzie

Sounds like it's Crownest pass area. So why not, I mean coals back baby, no drinking water for anyone. Long live the reign of Marlaina Smith.

Suzie

FFS it's for Crowfoot and battleriver so near my lake areas. Ugh, ughhhhh

Ranni

Matt was cooking today

Sam Lieberman

Francis is a classic good stats choker — his assist to turnover % is nuts in the regular season but against the fast switching defense the Protestants run his decision making completely breaks down. I’d rank him around Chris Paul / Harden

C. Ries

The last half is sterling. Everyone locked in.

Tim Mullen

Honestly an all time ep

K H

Northwest Territories is Canada hardcore mode. No fast travel. Hunger turned on. Environmental and fall damage turned on.

K H

Big ups to entitled schizophrenic zoomers. Giving 0 fucks and being unhinged online and in public 🙏

Bartlebee

The sports pope bit went on for way too long

Steven Medge

On the topic of not being coereced on the Israel issue. It used to be a carrot and stick system, now that the society can't provide a carrot anymore all they have is the stick and that seemingly isn't working very well. Things are continuing to deteriorate, but one possible good outcome is that people can't be swayed because they literally can not be bought off.

B R

Yeah but Matt's sounding better than ever. Gotta let him gallop

ResilientBastard

Carney looks just like Duck Philips from Madmen. “Peggy, babe, I gotta see ya!”

Yairo Martis

How dare these godforsaken LURHERANS crank yank Pizzaballa??!

Jeffrey

Shannon Sharpe, Pope Unc I

Craig

Nah, it was awesome. Way better than the first half

Amos Happ

This ep gets immortal status

J. A.

shut your bitch ass up piglet

J. A.

ydr

J. A.

oh fuck

Colin Keesee

Martin Luther was a plumber #wedonewiththe1500’s

Colin Keesee

Ya got ya great episode and ya got ya immortal episodes

Colin Keesee

Unc wearing papal vestments and that goat mask, would be something.

J. A.

Fiba is more of a team game (passing cardinals around)

Tim O'

The man really could not get away from the toilet

Colin Keesee

College divinity schools are way better! The tailgates, the rivalries, the fight songs, and the fact that most of the players are divinity majors, who will never be pro theologians, outplaying future pros.

J. A.

first nation crakkker kkkarney

J. A.

their team is in conservatership

J. A.

I was gonna say its time to get the Texas correspondence in here

J. A.

hes training in 10x gravity

J. A.

what the fuck are you talking about

J. A.

dude google search blows chunks

J. A.

I had to check to see if frank died

J. A.

you guys lost yamal!

Mojtaba HUSAYNI Khamenei

Israel invented the carrot though, and Palestinians invented the stick. I don't know if Trump has a batsignal for Bukele yet, but they're coming for you now.

Terra Pin

He broke someone's ankles and then healed them 😂... ngl I'm on some Terence McKenna shit right now, so I'd go even further than "I am second"ers and say you are a divine being, god's brother. But I retired from the game years ago.

Frances Mary

My last dog Slush came from the Northwest Territories SPCA in Yellowknife. So, that sort of balances out the crappy PM coming from there. He was a very good boy.

Hardcore Virgin

What is the name of the song that PC (producer Chris) dropped at 36 min after talking about the protests?

ex-cantaloupe

I can't say it enough, it is SO NICE to have Matt back! I'm so happy for him and all of you!!!

Zen Ben

I'm with Chapo on covering the Conclave. It's like a comet that passes over the earth every 20 years, a rare and unique custom observed for 2,000+ years. What makes it especially apropos to the 21st century is that the proceedings of the Conclave are governed by the strictest medieval rules of secrecy, which are enforced with ruthless penalties. Those rules have melded iron into marble after a millennium. The Internet-poisoned denizens of Western secular society will be driven to distraction by the archaic ritual of burning the ballots at the end of the day to mark the results. We have to wait for white smoke from a chimney in Vatican City to know when the voting has concluded. There will be no audio, video, or interviews for up to a week. This is the one remaining informational black hole that happens in plain sight in the modern world. I hope the Woke Pope Francis stacked the College of Cardinals enough to beat back the Catholic reactionaries.

Greasy_Jones

Pierre acted like he was canadian Trump, but that's our boy Rob Ford. He was canadian Ron Desantis the entire time

Michael Rosen

Please don't remind me, Rapaport's isn't even good in the paint or pick & roll anymore, sheesh

Leon Sugarfoot

I've gotten all my Canadian information from the awful Kevin Smith movies that are based there. And I refuse to accept anything else different as the truth. Go too far into the provinces, and you'll turn into Justin Long from the movie Tusk.

DS

Good to see Matt coming back to form. Year one of Trump without Cushvlog is like Christmas with just two U.S. made toys.

Eric

Just saw Trump posted an AI image of himself as the Pope, so this episode is already prescient

Jacob Jones

I'm really enjoying actively listening to Matt's noticeable improvement across all the episodes he has been in. ♥️ Laying out some top tier comedic material in this one.

Dick Wolf

I'm wearing a hockey jersey like Pelosi in the kente cloth

drewb

Get out on the field and give me ten laps!! (of the rosary)

Gordon Shumway

Classic Obama-style 4D chess from our lib in chief

Gordon Shumway

Surely it won't come back to bite them in the ass or anything...

justdave

Hey'ya haee what'cha doin now o.k. now Hey ✋️

Dean Rao

Ditto, the comments welcoming back Matt's full participation. Missed Matt a lot.

Matelda

My mom is a devout Catholic and i think she would love this

Matelda

Anyway go Pizzaballers

crab

I Am Second is the bumper sticker a Samoan family of 12 puts on the back of their Tahoe

Colin Keesee

He was a good guy, always creating jobs for his fellow plumbers.

Eamon Short

Awesome needle rope! The young Pope rocks!

Paul

Matt 4 Prez. Actually though, fantastic you're back, comrade.

dilla

very funny to be listening to you guys talk about student repression while opening my email and finding out my university banned me from campus right before finals. no regrets tho✌️free palestine

CT

Dutch Wine

Mayor McCheese

43:44 Will's secret pirate persona slipped out.

Ted

Hey guys love ya, just never talk about Canada again thanks. Fucking painful

Austent

Did Matt reference Mormon apostle Hugh B. Brown? Deep cut damn

Oliver

Good time girl Sofi Tukker

Evan

Go Oilers.

Gabe

Underrated comment

Agent Grange

I think we could have a classic Italian Pope but it needs to exist in parallel with the New Pope. Like how they brought back the Old Fashion Mt. Dew with real sugar and the jughooter on the can. Then the actual pope can be a Filipino that lives at the MGM Grande like Bruno Mars. Also, very disappointed to see no Cardinal Infant in the running this year.

Isaac

Matt got the fucking JUICE in this episode! I’m so happy for him and his recovery. Like Amber said, he’s never going “back to normal”, but I’m excited for the new Matt

Chapo Bath House

was PJP 2's miracle just being Polish? because I've asked family about it, and even my grandmother (who kept his picture in her wallet), mostly just liked seeing a Polish guy