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hi my dears.

my boxes have arrived from new zealand. i still haven’t done all the laundry. i’m swimming in the deep of the undone.

but i made a little early-morning voice ramble for you.

i still don’t know what - if anything - i’m going to put out by the end of this month. i have a piece of writing drafted but don’t know if i can’t finish it in time. i’m exhausted. but happy to be home.


max melton, one of my favorite friends, is here to visit from london, and michael is here with his daughter emory. the worse the outside world gets, the stiller and slower i feel. everything, inside my body, inside my brain, keeps getting slower and slower. i want to see how slow i can get before i decide what to do. i am a still pond. i want to be a stone.

so does max.

here is max, napping on the porch yesterday,



…..

and here’s the transcription of the voice ramble, thank you alex the merch queen. :D


Good morning, my loves.

It’s 6am. The birds are singing. The fan is on. It is very hot in upstate New York.

I’m home after a long week away in Maine with my family and Ash, and it was so beautiful, and I’m so tired. 

I got the Roe vs Wade news on Friday, and I just knew it was coming, but... I said to a friend yesterday, it’s like even when you know someone is gonna die, like what I went through with Anthony for four years, and I was as prepared as you can be for someone to die, I’d been watching him die, and having the idea in my head that he might die for four years, it still... It made it a little easier, but it didn’t mean that when he died it didn’t hurt like hell. It hurts like hell.

And I’m bone tired. I’m so tired. And I’m also finer than I’ve ever been. I’m fine.

My God, I watched Lizzo’s new video last night. I love her, I’m gonna put up a link of that for you.

I’ve been listening to the Frozen 2 soundtrack with Ash. And oh my god. I’ve had this song in my head that Ana sings, where she’s just lost in a cave. I think that might be my Thing this month. I might just sit down at my goddamn piano and give you another Frozen song. Just cos it resonates.

I don’t know, you guys.

I need rest more badly than I ever have in my life. I think we all do. And yet, it does not seem like the time to take our eyes off the ball, if you know what I mean. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m a German Studies major. I also read a lot of books about the Holocaust. I concentrated on Weimar in the 20s, and what happened with Germany in the 20s and the 30s in the lead up to the war. The main thing, not that Germany was inherently terrible, fascist, or racist. The main thing is that everybody was tired. They were tired. They were tired from World War 1, and they were tired form the Depression, and they were tired as fuck. They were tired from the giant flu pandemic. Everyone was just out of fucking juice, man. That’s when it happens. That’s when it happens, is when everybody’s just out of juice. That’s when they steal your lunch money. When they see you staring into space.

That’s my thought for the day.

I love you all, so much.

I might do more voice rambles. It’s about what I’ve got in me.

And I wanna Thing something in the next few days. Something.

Maybe the Frozen song.

It would feel like a fitting bookend to leaving this house three years ago having just learned Let It Go.

Or maybe I’ll watercolor.

Or maybe I’ll write a long essay about abortion.

Or maybe I’ll just find a rare Xerox machine somewhere and make a Xerox of my bum, which I’ve always threatened to do, and Thing a Xerox of my bum. You’ll know I’m done with Patreon because I finally do that. When I Thing a Xerox of my bum. Maybe I’ll write a song about Thinging a Xerox of my bum.

Hey, a Xerox of my bum.

I love you very much.

Have a beautiful day.

I really do love you.

Hey, I’m back in your timezone too, you Americans.

Okay, bye.


……

more soon.

illl be back with …. something. i think. or maybe not.

not all who wander are lost.

how are you all doing?

are you all feeling as slow and as fragile as i am?

xxx

a

———THE STUFF I SAY AT THE END OF EVERY POST———


1. if you are a patron and new to my work, don’t forget your patronage allows you access to ALL of my patreon releases to date. HERE is the link to download my latest big solo record, “There Will Be No Intermission”, and HERE is a link to download the PDF of the art/essay book that goes with it.


2. if you’re a patron reading this post via an email notification, please click through to comment on this post. at the very least, if you’ve read it, indicate that by using the heart symbol. that's always nice for me to see, so i know who's reading. 


3. see All the Things (almost 200 of them) i've made so far on patreon: 

http://amandapalmer.net/things


4. JOIN THE SHADOWBOX COMMUNITY FORUM, find your people, and discuss everything: https://forum.theshadowbox.net/


5. are you new to my music and TOTALLY OVERWHELMED? TAKE A WALK THROUGH AMANDALANDA….we made a basic list of my greatest hits n stuff (at least up until a few years ago, this desperately needs updating) on this lovely page: http://amandalanda.amandapalmer.net/


6. general AFP/patreon-related questions? ask away, someone will answer: patronhelp@amandapalmer.net












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Comments

kbanshee aka Chimera Ondine

I am exhausted. And needing to get moved, but having too much pain & all the fatigue…& time moving so much faster than me. And someone turned the trauma hose on us…was calling it the chaos hose & realized that was rude to chaos. I have ordered the trauma hose west into the ocean for a cleansing. But I can’t find the dang undo button to clear up this mess. And I am so done with us having been bumped onto this horror timeline. Where are our reality jumpers to figure out the virus that took us here & find a cure.

SField

I love it that you studied German. I did Modern European History for A level and th Weimar Rep was one of the topics. I unwisely did German and Russian at Uni and only just scrapeda pass. Not a natural linguist. Good at the passive skill. My daughter doing French and Russian Alevels now - because schools don't seem to teach German around here! A travesty! How rich my life is from learning German. Hang in there. x

RiverVox

Just do the Next Right Thing.

Coila

I'm close to 4 of my 20 something siblings. I just finished being visited by the one of the 4 that I haven't seen in 4 years. And his family. It was beautiful and even though I was sad to see them go, it was so healing to have seen them that I'm mostly still on a high from it.

Brody

I'm just...bummed. Freaked out that few people seem to still be taking the pandemic seriously. Unsurprised at the Republican/right-wing/religious agenda being pushed so aggressively and thoroughly, and the Democrats in the corner going "hey no man, stop, that's like, not cool bro" and waving their little arms. But I'm grateful my part of California's not yet on fire, and my plants in the garden are growing, and I only stabbed myself on an agave plant like 5 times yesterday while moving it from one part of the yard to another...there's a lot to be pissed and sad and terrified and anxious about, for sure. I think I need to go touch some grass.

Kathryn Bishop

Yes, I need to hear you do that song. I think. I went through a horrible time in 2020 (pre covid it was my worst year ever) and I had a disney play list on, and next right thing came on, and I sobbed. It just spoke to me, it was exactly the song I needed. It's perfect for you to cover, I'm just not sure I can take your emotion, and that song in one hit . But I know it will be beautiful

John Sturman

I’m glad you’re back in the neighborhood. The Catskill mountains in summertime are breathtakingly gorgeous. I’m looking forward to some doings in Woodstock. Any plans?

Wordsmith Lynn

That’s when they steal your lunch money-so well said. A bunch of bullies taking advantage of our exhaustion to destroy us. And to distract us from things like the January 6 hearings. I would love you to do any of the above suggestions. I would even be good with the xerox of your bum, but not if it means you’re done with Patreon.

AC

Amanda, thanks for the insightful post . . . One possible typo, did you mean that Germany was not *more ‘terrible, fascist, or racist’ than we are in the US today?

Maria Fagerlund

Slow and fragile and angrier than ever and desperately sad about the world. Why are people mean to each other? I have a crush on someone that can never possibly become anything more, and it's breaking my heart and making me insanely happy and completely clueless all at the same time, and I just can't handle any of it.

Samaire Wynne

I think the heat is bringing us all down even lower. So much stress is happening, everywhere. Fear and stress. I want to survive it and come out the other end and thrive. I need to thrive. It's time I thrived. Seriously. I love you.

Monica Byrne

An only-tangentially-related question: what service did you use to ship boxes? I'm contemplating moving abroad, but the idea of trusting my journals to a shipping service makes me so nervous...

Laura Morland

I heartily agree... and your last sentence was so perfectly wordsmithed that it made me smile!

Natasha Conti

. . . I almost sang "The Next Right Thing" at Club Cumming last night with Lance. Didn't think I'd make it through without sobbing. There was a lot of collective mourning there, and sharing of stories—thought of you and your abortion songs.

erica munhoz

I absolutely love "the next right thing" song from Frozen 2, it's ALWAYS in my head when I'm going through a hard time. It's a great song. Would love to get that cover as a Thing. If you wanna Thing a xerox of your bum, though, you know us, we gotcha. We're here, as ushe. love you. P.S- "that's when they steal your lunch money" is such a great metaphor. P.S2 - how cool is it that doing The Next Right Thing might be The Next Right Thing to do and to Thing? haha

Rachel Whitmore

So very tired. It's like standing in the ocean and having wave after wave crash over me, all while the sand washes away beneath, and I am but a pebble.

Julie Fuentes

So tired. I've been eating my feelings and it's been bad. The number of people who don't understand the ramifications is terrifying. Even worse are the people shouting "just keep your legs closed". I know this weekend will be even worse. How does one celebrate independence day when one is no longer allowed to be independent?

Alfredo

I'm so slow as well... Just making it through today's Jan 6 hearing (slowly) and knowing in my gut that if there was going to be accountability, something would have happened already... I get nervous about being late to a credit card payment, but apparently lawlessness is the law of the land when you have political power in the United States. Super nervous about what all the political rumblings will ultimately mean for the colony I was born in.

Len Tower Jr.

a, thing or not. whatever you wish. love -len

Rania Webber

No, I don't think she means that. I think she means they were not any of those things. They were so darn tired that those things creeped/crawled/dashed in and they had nothing to give to stop it.

Rania Webber

Stay fine. I thought of you reading some comments on FB and your words to 'not tell me what "I need to do" right here and now' lit a little fire in me. Now I read your tiredness. I hear you. Send us more words and I'm happy - don't really care about children's films, but whatever you share will make me happy.

Claudia Rapp

Yes, tired, slow, and fragile. That sums it up. We'll get to a different point, and a different emotional state. Slowly. Eventually. <3

Laura Morland

But they always find the luggage, eventually. I would trust a major airline much more than a shipping service. (It would take time, you might want to take photos of every page... the photos should automatically upload to the Cloud, and then you'll never lose your words... which is the most important thing, right?)

Zenobia

I keep going about my day, and making plans, and then remembering that women are once again second class citizens. I live in Missouri, and have never before truly felt the threat of living here, for me, my friends, their daughters. I think “well at least we aren’t a state forcing births even without exception for the woman’s health. Even if she dies.” What a low bar. Can’t wait to see what this state is like once I’ve finished med school, and am an OBGYN. Despite this new environment, I refuse to leave, because women here will still be in need of compassionate care, without judgment, and from someone who can still facilitate an abortion. More than ever. Ugh. What a dystopian world it is.

jl courtney

Tired. And I think I'm going to have to change my middle name to 'Doom-scrolling'.

Laura Morland

Welcome back home! Thanks for the lovely voiceramble. We, too, *just* arrivred back in our U.S. home, where we've spent only 6 weeks since 2019 (merci, Covid). I, too, am languishing in the tiredness... in the comfort of my own bed. Dare I ask... when does the little guy get to see his Dad?

Liz

Welcome back and hello fellow doom scrollers. That bit about connecting how tired everyone is with how tired everyone was in Weimar Germany, I hope you'll put that up in a shareable spot, it's relevant and interesting.

Marg

So, so tired. And so, so hot. I’m in Texas now. But, I remember growing up outside Buffalo NY and napping on the patio in Summer. I can’t do that here. I miss living in a place where I could sit outside in June without melting. And where I wasn’t seen as a second class citizen. If my autonomy is to be determined by a state gov’t, NY would win hands down over anywhere down here in the South. If I could choose to, I’d move to somewhere in the NE, despite the snow. I enjoy living among progressive people. And while Houston has progressives & diversity by the bucketful, the Texas GOP has strangled our democracy & I may be too tired to care to fight to get it back. I used to read your posts about New Zealand to my husband and we dreamed of retiring there. It was always just a dream bkz we have a business and family here, but it was a lovely dream. I think I’m rambling. lol Relax, breathe enjoy being home with friends and family. We will be here whether you thing a thing or not.

Stephie

tired of the whole bullshit. of how people treat other people on twitter/fb/insta.... done with this bullshit. it pisses me off! then i have a nice conversation with a client, a lovely message from a colleague or a friend, an encounter with a deer or a fox while walking my dogs early in the morning - and life is a little brighter again than before. i like your voice rumbles. n-joy the afternoon - here in switzerland it's time to go to bed. lots of love and hugs to you and all here ❤️

Aleda Bliss

Slow, fragile, deeply ok. It feels important to really feel this moment, this shift, and not rush on to the next thing. Cry and rage and rest and let myself be seen in the middle of this mess. Love love love ❤️

AC

You may need to do an out-of-state (or even international) elective to receive any training on D&Cs or D&Es, just FYI . . . would figure out if this is possible before you make your rank list for residency programs

Teresa Toro

Because of the leak, we knew this ruling was coming though as you said, that doesn't make it less agonizing. The sucker punch came from Thomas' opinion suggesting a review of other rulings, potentially reversing contraception access and LGBTQ rights. I was too stunned to feel and could barely process it. It was one of those surreal things where you think if you just keep breathing you'll eventually wake up and everything will be ok. Then on Sunday I went to hear some friends play. We all participate in a thing called the Bushwick Book Club where the show is presentations of creative work inspired by books – mostly songs but you get dance, recipes, monologues, short films... They did a BBC song inspired by the incredible historical work When Brooklyn Was Queer by Hugh Ryan. And listening to the gorgeous trumpet I started thinking about all the marginalized people who aren't even being seen now, who are going to be impacted – not just women – and somehow the enormity and scope of it walloped me hard right there and I finally began weeping. Another BBC mate sitting next to me noticed, totally got it, put his arm around me. Here we go again with reproductive justice campaigning – and what else is to come? I am letting myself get all the grief out so my anger will have healthy room to work. (Also as someone married to a German: I totally agree.) (And thank you Alex for the transcription ❤)

Monica Byrne

That's true, it's just that we're talking about 138 diaries here. That'd be a solid month's work.

Cyn

My favorite poet Andrea Gibson recently posted a piece in her blog Things That Don't Suck a piece that I saved because while it does suck, it's true and solid: Our Overwhelm Is One Of The Greatest Weapons Of The Alt Right. The state in which we find ourselves did not happen overnight, and is not going to get better with out some serious work. I'm so fucking exhausted, and sad, and it seems my entire life as an activist is now just gone in a puff of venom. But we will not crumble, we will not fail, and we will come out stronger in the end because we each have a Thing we can do very well. We don't have to do it all alone. I'm crying all the time, while planning to get a working vehicle to help women in need get where they need to go to get the abortion they choose. That's what I can do. And vote.

Christian Huble

Voice ramblers are rich, because I don't have it in me to read much, to process. But I have the energy and the space to deeply listen.

Christian Huble

I hope to hear a song about you xeroxing your bum, however fictitious it may or may not be.

sarah482

Marg - i replied to your post the other day too, but now i see that you're from outside of Buffalo - me too! Clarence. Where outside of Buffalo did you grow up? ~ sarah

sarah482

Hello dear Amanda - this is the 3rd anniversary of our collective week at omega : ) As far as i'm concerned you can thing the start of unpacking all of your boxes. Or your plane ride home. Or a picture of your favourite spot in your yard. It's been an exhausting week of getting ready to leave, and then leaving, and now the fucking supreme court firing the first of many nuclear volleys. We've got you. Don't exhaust yourself further trying to thing something big in the next two days. remember we support you whether you're chopping wood or sharpening the saw. This is a time for sharpening the saw. ~ sarah xoxo

Matthias Urlichs

Bah. No Xerox of your bum to be seen in this post. False advertising! There must be consequences!!1! Seriously: Welcome home. The soul travels at the speed of an Arcturean Megacamel, as we all know, so take your time to actually arrive.

Marg

Wow. Small world. I grew up in West Seneca. Still have family there and also in Hamburg. Thanks for the virtual hug on the other post. The positive connections in this group are awesome and meaningful. 🤗🤗

sarah482

Monica - i'll fly with you and we can put the 138 diaries in my carry on : ) i can just layer up clothes on the airplane (ha!) I don't trust anything checked with the airlines. I NEVER check luggage. One thing i learned the hard way shipping a piece of fine art with Fed Ex is that even if you buy insurance for the value of the work (which i did) they only cover the DAMAGE and/or the cost to repair - not the value of the artwork. The value of the work was $10,000, a drawing on paper, and that's what i insured it for. To fix it, art conservators can iron the paper and then linen-back it for about 1,000, but it's never really the same, and clearly permanently decreases the value of the work. Your journals are obviously priceless - but even if you attached a value to them and insured them for that amount and if they lost them i think you'd probably only get reimbursed the cost of replacing 138 notebooks - at least through fed ex. Maybe there's a different type of insurance for international shipments, but i was quite shocked to learn that their insurance was not for the value. Alternatively - ship clothes, and other replaceables whatever the least expensive but most reliable means, and ship your journals and other irreplaceable mementos etc the most secure way possible, cost be damned. I don't mean to sound cavalier "cost be damned" - but if it was me, i would spend whatever i had to in order to make sure the most important and irreplaceable things got where they were supposed to. There are also gps type tracking devices you can put in your luggage, but most of them are only useful if you and your luggage are in the same airport! Any of the bluetooth ones are only good for about 100 feet. That won't help you if you're in Dublin and your luggage is in Denmark. you want one that comes with a GPS/GSM sim card (they will be able to track internationally, regardless of how far apart you and your luggage are. These do come with monthly tracking charge, but it's not expensive and most of them are not contracts you just activate and deactivate the service as you need it. You could use these in either luggage or a shipping service package. ~ sjmk xoxo

Tammi L

I read it as: 1) Germany *was* those things, but that's not *why* they got as far as they did and things got as bad as things got, because fascists and racists are everywhere and all the time. The existence of fascism and racism isn't enough on its own to create WW2. 2) Instead, the reason things got so bad is that the forces that might have opposed the rise of Hitler et all were just exhausted and drained and unable to muster opposition in the early days before it got so bad and when it would have been easier to nip in the bud.

Deborah Geffner

I knew Roe being overturned was coming, but I didn't know how I would feel!

Caren Helms

Take care of yourself and Ash and remember that the stuff can sit in boxes as long as it needs to! I did go to a Get Your Ban Off My Body march on Sunday. There were hundreds of people in our suburban town out marching. Men and women of all ages. And one incredibly beautiful woman in her wheelchair who must have been in her 80s. She was sitting in the shade of a tree with her gorgeous poster she had made and was waving and smiling at everyone. We also got lots of approving honks from people passing through the picturesque downtown. It made me realize that we really are the majority!

Lesley S

I'm no German Studies major, but I am Jew-ish and Cult Podcast did a 4-parter on Nazis (including the Putsch), and ... Yeah. I'm worried. I remember seeing older family members at a reunion comparing their "tattoos" about 20 years ago... it was awful then and gets more terrifying and heartbreaking as time passes. Torn between jumping in and taking direct action NOW!!! and getting myself prepared for my first kid coming into the world. Trying to spend enough time on the socials to listen to the folks who've already been doing this work for decades, but not enough time to lose my mind. Trying to check in on my folks. Hoping I don't have to cut my dad out of my life, but I don't even know where to begin having a reconciliation conversation because we were SO close when I was younger. Kiddo's going to have a very close birthday to him if they show up "on time". Conflicted. So many wise women in my life have emphasized that it's a marathon, not a sprint. Maybe I'll learn. Rewatched one of the TWBNI streams over the weekend. Breathing. Hugs to you all.

Amber Dawn

Exhausted, disgusted, and soul tired here. Knowing it was coming did nothing to soften the blow of the ruling, much as preparing for a death does not ease the pain when they pass, as you eloquently stated. I will breathe deeply, feel all the feels, and ground myself so I can continue the fight. It’s just beginning. Thank you for the voice ramble. Thing it as far as I’m concerned. Welcome home, take the time you need. Love to you and everyone here.

Bethany Olson

That song…. I saw the movie with my daughter in the theater… and it destroyed me. I had to keep telling her everything would be ok in the end all while trying desperately to not show my sorrow. The next right thing. It’s what we all have to keep doing. Please, heart sister, please record this. I need to hear you remind me that we won’t stop. We won’t forget. And we won’t roll over and die quietly.

Amy Tobol

I am moved by the solidity of your stone house. Grounded in stone.

EmVT

it's all so much a blur for me right now I would have to get back to you on whether I feel slow and fragile. doing well, planning to put my bum on the beach this holiday weekend :)

Deborah Hartmann Preuss

Yes, there is much relief in not having to unoack it all now-now-now. Been here 6 mo ths, still have a dozen unooened boxes, and no curiosity to open them yet. Each opened box adda to-dos to the list: get a.bookshelf, make closet space, organise the office supplies. All can wait, in the interest of calm and focus here and now :-) ❤

Deborah Hartmann Preuss

And I find audio/video exhausting and really appreciate the transcripts :-) So, once again, Amanda's team makes room for all of us \o/ #thanks

Deborah Hartmann Preuss

Good news: Icelandair lets you bring 10 (TEN!) suitcases, for a much smaller fee than shipping services, and they arrive with you \o/ I packed mid-sized moving boxes and wrapped them in shrinkwrap - a good move, as one bix disintegrated but arrived totally intact due to the shrinkwrap! Bonus: get out and stretch your legs in Iceland, then resume your journey (and they handle the baggage transfer in Iceland). A total win!

Sarah Williams

I love that on the outside, my husband seems angrier than I am. I love that he wants to protest and fight for his daughter, sister, nieces. But I'm just so tired. I am fatigued from six years of attacks. Six years and counting of angry white men throwing a massive tantrum. I'm tired, I'm just so tired.

Dorit

I just saw a massive shooting star from my bed while sitting in the dark listening to your voice ramble. Rolling blackouts are happening here in Cape Town...that's why im sitting in the dark... I guess I just found a silver lining in the darkness. Sending love. Be that stone. For us.

EmVT

or even admiring the saw from a distance while sipping lemonade :)

Christy B

I am feeling ENRAGED with nowhere to put that energy right now.

Tammy Meier

I love a voice ramble. Thank you.

jabbott

Please don't take offense because I do love you... :-) but I feel really bad that as John Oliver pointed out so many people are treating RvW as a death and not a call to arms. It has been a horrible six years, but yet this should be unifying us!

Samantha teal

I’m stuck fluctuating between ‘ I never want to leave my little plot of land again’ and ‘fucking fight me, I dare you!’ Idiot men who seem to think that this should be the states decision tend to get the latter of the 2. I have never had an abortion, and hopefully I never will, but I now live in a state that has effectively made abortion of any kind illegal with no exceptions and is now expected to go after things like IVF. I am tired of explaining to people that this is about more than abortion and I’m tired of the same pedantic arguments and knee jerk reactions. I am really tired of people assuming that the most common reason women get abortions is simply because they can and I am enraged by the willfully ignorant women out there that perpetuate that view. I have no faith in the US government and I do not believe that they actually care or desire to protect us, and that really makes me want to burn it all down figuratively speaking.