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i just talked on the phone
to a friend
who’s about to go have drinks
with a friend
whose wife just found out
she has a rare form
of incurable cancer
and
has
maybe
five months to live.

we weren’t on the phone
to talk about death.
we were on the phone
to talk about work
and touring
and who can
manage
my band
in the states.

but then
the news of this stranger
and her dying

cut into the
placid lake
of my night

before
sleep.

he told me
she will leave him with
their two small children.

and i see him

her husband
-my friends friend-
who my friend tells me
runs a company
that invents and manufactures
synthetic sponges
that clean up
oil spills.

and on the side
he saves and salvages
boats that are in danger
of sinking into the harbor.

he hasn’t stopped working
at all
my friend said.

he’s in shock
i said.

and
i think to myself
what a wonderful world
what a terrible world

tonight
they will
go to sleep somewhere
together
in a bed
she
with her tumor body
a ticking ship’s sinking clock

and
he
with the daily business rattling in his head
thinking about
his task of cleaning the perpetual mess of a death-fanged and careless world
as the kids sleep soundly in
the next room
(how am i going to take care of these children without her.
without her. without her)

and
she
lies beside him
breathing
like an accordion
like a sinking vessel
like an oil spill
like a whole pacific ocean
that nothing he can ever invent
will ever
ever
be able
to salvage


p.s. you all inspire me to write

column tomorrow, althing on friday

i love you

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Comments

Serious Monkey

Thank you for sharing this poem. It is lovely. Love N Stuff Miss Fucking Palmer

Shannon Parsons

Please make this into a song, it’s so sad and so beautiful. It captures what it feels like to be alive right now. Thank you for sharing xxx

Mollie Isaacks

So beautiful and so sad. Thinking of Bittersweet by Susan Can right now and how much I admire this on you. I’m glad you found your spark this week. ❤️

Kristen Carlosh

My heart...this beautiful terrible love story. Thank you.

Jonah Poirot

Maybe somewhere, a lighthouse blinks, hello, hello, hello...

Tammi L

Well, no wonder you were having trouble getting it out. 😭 This is so beautiful. 💔

Stevi Deter

This just hit me right in the feels. Thank you.

Erica Myers

The pure and beautiful truth of this hurts, but the honesty uplifts. Thankyou.

Anthea Peck

Oof. Thank you. That was stunningly beautiful. On a side note, my husband is an environmental engineer and spends his days cleaning up after humans. It’s gut wrenching but necessary.

Paul Alexander

It's so heartbreaking. Human life is so temporary, so fleeting, so impermanent. I can't imagine what I would do in that situation, yet people still go on. They find a way. For themselves, their families, their children, they go on through the light and the darkness. So much darkness these days. But the light always finds a way to shine through in the end.

Arthur Durkee

Heartbreaking, achingly beautiful.

Stephanie Rowe

Oh this is so heartbreaking. Love to them. And you. And us.

Purl Evol (Chrissy)

OMG right in the feels. I love you. Thank you for reminding me to live... right now. I wish my ADHD brain wouldn't temporarily forget about it and I could just always remember to be more in the moment. Yeah, I really need to get that tattoo. Now where have I heard that before? Sorry, I think my ADHD is showing lol🤷‍♀️🙁

Annmarie Sloane

I just saw this on Facey. Still have leaking eyes. Really moved Amanda. Sending you all so much love across the miles 💜🖤💜

Jann

My god. The feels.

Kirksey Cunningham

once again crying on a kitchen floor, this time my new love's ❤️

DebbieG

Haunting and sad and beautiful.

Jim Crider

Ouch. And I say that as someone who has Stage IV colon cancer. My 5th anniversary of my DX is in December. The statistics say I'm supposed to be dead already. In the first 6 months after DX, I had a surgery go sideways, which produced an abdominal hernia AND a secondary infection that took 8 months and a triple-hit of a 2-antibiotic shock treatment that every bit of medical wisdom says "don't take more than 10 days in a row". I took it for 30 days straight. It finally worked - the infection was gone. My original oncologist told my now-wife after my DX to prepare for the end. He didn't tell me. I was putting on a brave (angry) front and channeling every erg of energy I had or could grab into determination. But it was bad, those first six months. There were days when I couldn't see a path forward and I was planning my exit. Every time I got to that point, though, the universe sent me a reminder that I had value, something that acted as a giant hand reaching down and yanking me up out of the deep, dark hole I'd dug for myself. A surprise visit from an old friend who'd tracked my address down online. A card from my race marshal pals. A postcard from a dear friend from JoCo Cruise who -- well, that's between us. My illness has taken a terrible toll on my wife, too. I wish it were not so. We don't have any kids at home, but we're a couple who sorta fell in love with each other by accident, and it's been amazing and awesome and while we're both broken in some way, we make a great team, and she's kept me alive every bit as much as my medical team has. I wish this couple - and their kids - the very best. No one wants to be drafted on to Team C, but every person who is, against their will, tapped for the roster is my teammate. I celebrate every individual win. I mourn every individual loss. Meanwhile, I'm gonna keep trying my level best to make as much of the world as I can reach a little better before I run out of time.

amandapalmer

oh jim. good lord. i’m so happy for you and so sad for you and all at once … and i’m grateful you came here to post this. i am finally feeling a little more human and a little less like an automaton since coming back from new zealand. giving each other reasons to live. sometimes i think that’s our only real job.

Jasmine Jenkins

Holy fucking shit. Some of the most beautiful words I’ve ever read.

Ofel Epicorus

Heartbreaking. I am too tired of this world to write any more...

Laura Morland

You have the power to illustrate -- and illuminate -- the most private moments. When your partner has an incurable cancer inside their body, but you can still hold them and and talk to them... it seems surreal, unimaginable, to think that they'll soon disappear. Living in the moment with the sword of the future hanging over your nestled bodies... I've been there, too. On that topic, I'm happy that Anthony's Laura found a new man. I hope you approve of him!

Dorit

Phew.

Fanny Froeliger

Beautifully written, Amanda. Thank you for sharing.

Doug Ryan

Stunning & Beautiful. Equal parts heartbreaking and life affirming. Fear invoking and courage provoking. I’m so glad you’re writing things and these things. And I feel privileged to be around and to see you share them as you do. You’re an incredible artist and human.

Christine Jackman

Amanda... this is what art is about. To grapple with stuff that feels unspeakable, indescribable - and yet somehow universal. Thank you, it's so excruciatingly beautiful, and achingly painfully REAL.

Els Van Haute

How you make shit beautiful. And give hope. Wow. And thanks. And so sorry for the woman.

Gaba Kulka

Thank you. A real chunk of life and death, observed and felt with tenderness. I had a lot of thoughts about the past few posts - revolving around patronage, and the multi-directional flow of power and support and money in our community here. As always, when you form the questions around it, it's in the spirit of gratitude and connection, and I love that and appreciate that. Sometimes I'm unable to look at the world through that lens. Mine gets way darker than I'd like it to. One of the ideas you touched upon was "what if I stopped creating" or when is a hiatus too long to be considered a hiatus, or something to that effect. And it got me thinking (as you know it would :D)... and the thought I can't get rid of is: "How much do we owe to those around us to be allowed to be. To just live. Or how much do we think we owe". Part of this is leading me to how capitalism preformats our worldview, but it also goes way, way beyond that. And how much do we need to feel of use, to feel entitled to just take care of ourselves and what is ours.

Anna McCotter

😭 it’s 4:15 am Amanda, why am I crying? That is one way to start my work day. Sleepy to sad in 90 seconds. I love you my friend. And I’m loving that photo Ps- true story?

Carmen J

That hits hard. Tears from me. So close to home on so many levels today. I'm sitting with my grief for now. 💜

Casey Wherley

I got the email a day late! My instant reaction seems to be on par with the theme in the comments! I pay monthly for up to 3 items/month. I have been meaning to just switch to $10 monthly because I’d rather support you and not need anything in return! I don’t need to see actual items per month! If we didn’t hear from you then in three years time you make an album, boom mission accomplished! If I can contribute in anyway to your existence I know it will be paid back by the art you do make! Those in between moments are when you live your life and that’s where your inspiration and ideas come from. Your art will manifest when you let it. All of us here support that simply by supporting you! Save time for what matters most to you! We will be here!

Kerstin Rao

Stunning and lovely, Amanda. I've followed your whole-hearted posts for a few years now and I'm glad to be a Patron now.

Joanna Lindblad

Whenever you create something, before I take it in, I have to ask myself, “Am I ready for this?” Because I know it’s going to be incredible moving, painfully striking. …this stole my breath and tears. I wanted to turn away, but couldn’t.

Anna Nolan

AFP, Rockstar, Poet, I love this. This is why I’m a patron. Thank you for your art!

Laura Wellner

The darkness in the light...oy, life. Love & hugs.

Lucy Russell

Achingly beautiful. Thank you for modelling taking pain and making it into art. You inspire me to do the same.

PATRICIA COLE

"Without her, without her, without her..."

PATRICIA COLE

Crying. Thank you for bringing the beauty amidst the pain.

Sandra Marek

Absolutely breaking. As a mother, this is my greatest fear. Leaving my child in a world without me. 💔

Len Tower Jr.

A Better with each read. Perfect image on your IG/FB posts of this. One wonder's what the wife's poem would be like. Who she is beyond a parent, what's she has to hand over & let go ... -Len

Len Tower Jr.

Jim, I'm glad for you, us, & the rest of the world, you fought so hard to still be with us. -Len

Susan Cohen

I didn't need to cry this morning. Thank you anyway.

Abby Lee

Goddamn it. This world is hell. Why only for some and not others? That random shit scares me.

Wendy S. Katz

Heartbreakingly beautifully heartbreaking. And what an amazing photo.

Jean Marie

I just recently started losing people, to truly feel the loss of people. I really appreciate this post.

Chiqui Pineda

This made my heart ache a familiar ache, yet unknown too. And I pray I shall never know it. Nor you. Nor any of the many kind, whole, full-hearted people in this sometimes cruel, cruel, ache-filled world. Sigh. Thank you, Amanda. 💔❤️‍🩹

Janet in Georgia

This brought tears to my eyes as I read it trying to rid myself of an ocular migraine. The colors are beautiful through those painful words I was reading. It made me weep. I love you ❤️

Grace Beaster

This is an amazing poem, and I felt like I could hear you singing it, the piano too. Remain open. The world needs more ears and attention. Sinking.

Kristina S.

“The perpetual mess of a death-fanged and careless world” thank you, beauty 🖤🖤🖤

Issa Rodri

love you too, Amanda.

Claudia Rapp

Catching up on posts, instant tears, in this death-fanged and careless world. Grateful that there are poetry-mouthed and caring humans in it.