Life update - March 22, 2026 (Patreon)

When I started She Weeps for the Devil, I was a very emotionally suppressed, split off person. I could work hard and for long hours in isolation because I was desperate to get out of my soul crushing job as a factory worker. 1-2 hour long daily commute, fighting traffic, working with people that didn't like or care about me, navigating shitty workplace drama and politics, etc. Then the comic took off and I was able to quit and devote much more time to it. I managed to keep it going for a while, tried to move as far as I could from my family across the country, but I was still tethered to them--namely my mother. I was still heavily dependent on her and I became even more isolated than before. If anyone from that time is still around, they'll know what my office looked like then. A depressing messy shit hole. I've always been a shut in, but I tried really hard to be normal, to look normal. Wear cute dresses, buy myself flowers, treat myself to a nice meal...I tried to be a good entertainer and bring joy to people's lives, but I failed to bring joy to my own. And it really started to catch up with me. I felt like I was going insane.I finally mentally broke in 2025 and decided to take it easier while redoing the comic. I moved back home and started over again, but my mental health worsened. Living with my mother, the same person that had abused me as a child for years and controlled me, tightened her grip over me, trying to make me more dependent on her. She sunk her claws into me in every little way that she could. It's crazy, but I'm well into adulthood and she still has access to my bank account. Every dollar I've saved, every dime I've spent, she could monitor it all and 'suggest' what I should do with it, which she often did. I didn't realize how fucked up this was until I really started to reflect and think about it.Why do I constantly procrastinate and doubt myself? Why am I scared to go outside and explore the world? Why do I struggle to do anything? Why am I so mean to myself?I started to journal and consider my life more seriously. Reflecting on my childhood, thinking about what I want right now, what things need to be done for me to truly be free and independent. Sometimes I feel so demoralized, but I try to push forward everyday. Do little things like brush my teeth, shower, clean my messy artist den, and just think. The advice my mother has always given me is to stop thinking so much, disassociate, emotionally separate yourself from the material world. She sits and watches TV all of the time, zoning out, never reflecting on how her parent's treated her or how she feels about anything. Doesn't have hobbies, friends, or any ideas on what she wants out of her life. Just stop thinking.The solution isn't to stop thinking. The problem with thinking is intellectualizing things and not really feeling your emotions or understanding yourself. As I attempt to follow my plans to move out once more and truly untether myself from my hostile mother and my unsupportive family (severing the umbilical cord so to speak), I'm trying to consider what I really want to do as I move forward with my life. Where will I live? How will I continue to make art? What will I do with my time?I haven't spoken to my mother in over 2 months despite living in the same home. I'm afraid of her sinking her claws into me if I involve her in my life again. Mothers don't realize how much power they have over their children. They don't realize how much we want them to love us, and how desperately we will destroy ourselves to please them in hopes that they won't abandon us. That's one of the subjects I wanted to explore with She Weeps for the Devil. How does the relationship with our parents affect our romantic life and the type of people we're interested in? It was actually a theme present in the old script, but I was too emotionally split off to understand why I was drawn to the subject. After years of exploring psychology and spending my whole life trying to understand people, I'm much more confident about expressing my ideas about the world and about human beings through my art.I've been getting back into traditional materials and I really like the idea of integrating ink, oil pastel, watercolor, color pencil, and acrylic into some of the panels or cover pages and special art like manga artists. The emotions I transfer into my work seem to come through far stronger with traditional materials. I uploaded a picture I drew recently of a scene I used to draw a lot as a child. When I was young, I used art as an escape from the hell of my family life. I often drew a picture of a little home with with a warm sun, fluffy clouds, abundant fruit trees, green pastures with happy critters, and vibrant flowers all over the place.When I think about my childhood, it was nothing like that. I was isolated, forced to stay at home alone as a toddler, unstimulated, yelled at, beaten, violated, humiliated, and I was often frightened of everything. I would suck my thumb to soothe myself, or self-harm like picking my skin and biting things. I remember hating myself a lot.Why couldn't I be a good kid? Why did no one like me? Why can't I make the pain stop?I became very socially confused, constantly anxious. I developed 'social anxiety', an intense fear of the world. I'm still that scared little girl to this day, constantly doubting myself, afraid of messing up and being judged harshly, berated, scolded, assaulted by people much bigger and stronger than me. I feel like I never grew up. What does it even mean to grow up?My thoughts are all over the place. I think what I wanted to say is that I'm starting to feel and understand my emotions again, but just barely. I didn't know what to make as an artist, and I felt very apprehensive about even calling myself that. Artist. I've decided to just express my emotions and thoughts about the world. I feel like I have something special to share, but I'm constantly fighting the voices in my head telling me I shouldn't do anything because I'll fuck it up somehow. I'm trying to be as transparent as I can, not for pity or sympathy, but to let everyone know where I'm at so they can decide what to do as a patron or a follower of my art work.I've said it before but I wish more artists would talk openly about their past and their life, their current feelings, whatever it is they want to express to the world. So I'll try to do that and put my story here.