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River of Darkness pt 1 Audio (Patreon)

Published:
2026-02-12 13:31:02
Imported:
2026-06

Downloads

Content

New book about first europeans to navigate the amazon around year 1500. Natural continuation of the Conquistador series.

Comments

Jaxson Sanders

I’m sorry for misspeaking earlier your the man this is what the people want !!!

Jaxson Sanders

Woah buddy leave some for the rest of us

Matt

blessed be us

Matt

that’s longer than ten minutes

Chris

big black fat dick in my dirty brown asshole

Stoned

War Mode

Kerwyn

Let’s fucking go baby!

Damian MKE

Hey not cool dickhead.

Peter

Your thrusting. Your jacking off with your hands and you’re thrusting

UGLIEBOIII

Wait a minute this isn’t 10 minutes

Downtoparty

I can’t tell you how excited I am for this!

landon lutes

got a pod with bill soder and chris plus two patchy’sssss what a day boyssss

Ash

Love book club. Ready to feel so fucking smaht.

Nooders69

I’m thinking I’m not just a fan of the billia but also what it represents

Carter W

I been waiting for this moment for alllll my liiiife 🎶

IsellCocaine

Let's get smart boyz 🤓📚

Nicholas

Lemair’s ass is not 5’8

Dave

I know Soder seems like a good dude but something about him bugs me. His jokes are just him being overly specific. “You have 1997 middle school substitute teacher in Utah energy!!!” Not great.

Dave

I haven’t listened to his ep yet but I can tell he’s gonna do it at least once.

Czmp

HELL YEAH

Christian

Buddy said at the end of the conquistador book that Cortes ended up basically bestowing his babe Malinche to one of his homies and she had a baby with ol boy and a pretty rough marriage, but basically that was the way Cortes kept her in his stratosphere because it wouldn’t have been permissible for him to marry a non Spanish royal, it was all about status. So TLDR due to government rules and shit it basically made him hot wife his babe out to his bro and homeboy pie’d her.

Quazybothholes

If i had teachers in school that were half as good as Matt in making history fun and engaging, I would have given a fk and been locked in.

KalashniKat

Dude..." let's bicycle your legs" fucking sent me into oblivion

HOMI YAYO

Jesus Christ we got the retard brothers back eh

Byron Chiado

A whole room full of people who thinks the moors who invaded Spain were black is a special thing in the internet age

Bibi Satanyahu's Gimp

No one is jacking off in a field if they're sheep right next to them. Not during that time.

Stinky_Dinky

Diabeetlejuice got pizza on the brain

Ethan M

Very few moors were black they were like Arabs and Beduins

Hqnk

We’re so back

Sludes

YES this is what we need

Steph

Hell yeah brother. More history!

jbdawg67

Matt this content makes me just wanna kiss you

C Bills

Blessed.. This is my favorite part of the patreon... keep em coming please. 🙏

Cam borin

Listening to this as I go to sleep I love you Matt

fatretard

Dave would you do me a kindness and watch your god damn mouth

Dave

I’m sorry fatretard, it’s not an opinion I’m especially proud of. But I’m a leader in this community and need to be honest with my fans.

Noé Hernández

Lemaire is 100% on the spectrum. “Does pizza come from that name pizzaro?” What tf are you talking about 😂😂😂

andrew huenink

God bless we get to start another book. Conquistadors was one of my favorite things to listen.

Deluxe

Literally on a trip all across Ecuador right now, blessed drop Matt, thanks dog. I’m watchin my coffee intake 🙏

Ajae Flint

Damnnnn son I’m pumped on this! This series fuckin rules

Molon Labe ⚔️ 🇺🇲

Shane gets Warmode and Soder, Matt gets Diabetaljuice. Matt got fucked when picking teams but the bags actually on us, the listeners.

Carson W

I felt like a proud parent when LeMorp shouted "That's Chile!"

Colton ONeal

Love these so much. for the future I have a request for a book called The Frontiersmen by Alan Eckhart. It reads like these last two and I’d think you’d like it

Kevo

Philly has officially moved ahead of London for funniest accent to hear speaking Spanish

Mannydiorio

Holy dickrider bro zip it up and go get a new hobby

ADieterman92

Hell yeah Matt, thanks for this. Consider doing Chinese history next, would love to hear u pronounce the names

Republicus

Le Nightmaire. I cannot stand him

Matthew Yates

My girl got me tickets to see Matt in Vegas tonight let’s go dawgs

Jamaldemort

why does everyone hate lameeze? i think the retarded little brother energy is hilarious

Pierre

That Lemaire guy or whatever Ive listened to for the past 5 years is so annoying!! I hate that fucking guy!!!!

Jbaby2trill

Love the way Matt explains these books. Hoping he reads the one about that Austrian Painter that has struggles.

stuart kennedy

Matt's gotta get Buddy Levy on for the culminating episode! If the dude has a good sense of humor it could be a great episode.

Wrong Turn Ryan

I saw Matthew in Vegas last night. It was great. The whole hour was hilarious

Jordan Gaudio

You know what would be really nice is if you guys got some of your producer Wizards to put all the series together and make a compilation audio clip so that people don't have to go in individually search out part by part

Brendan McNamee

I came to the comments to defend Lemaire. …. I got nothing

Scrotie B

Don’t you love it when the episode you pay for is 100x worse than the free one

CHAMA

Mfs fr be paying for stuff just to complain

Christian

Hernan Cortes, the Grand Concuckstidor, many are saying

Eli Anton

Love that you’re continuing with Budy Leavy, invite him on for the final episode of this book! And keep doing the history!

Dennis

Hell yeah

Dylan Kennedy

It's probably your parents card anyway shut up queer

Carl

NewFool

nice, now the entire MSSP paytch should file a restraining order on your freak ass.

Carl

The cringe haunts me 🙏

Yog Daddy

Dawg they can’t even upload episodes on time

Kayden Hund

Matt we need less of a walk around for the story and more of a walk through. The first 30 minutes was incomprehensible nothingness lol

Kayden Hund

And we honestly need a better break down of each brother maybe my stoned ass couldn’t get it lol ima just out the pen and pad

andrew huenink

I gotta agree boss man, this was a lot of rambling. I'm sure it'll get better though

Call My Ass Tiramisu, Theres LadyFingers In There

There’s been a whole lot of new lemaire haters recently due to the austin vs. new York thing and I just think it should be noted that most of us have hated lemaire long before all that.

HennessyRates

Did she pick up the fucking pen?

Theodore

Lemeeze has an 80 IQ if I'm being generous

Big Papa Mar

Real “I’m makin em at niteee” normie fan

Charlie Darling

This is is genuinely boring as hell. We pay for this shit. I’d much rather hear you guys ramble about current shit then her you guys struggle through boring ass history class.

Aydan King

Sorry but Nate and lemair are destroying the pod

Gideon Starsgrave

It’s an op - this soap opera writer joined 3 months ago. Your tricks don’t work anymore, dumbass

Carl

Spaz on these nuts dumbass

Zach

Have literally anybody else on, it’s unlistenable. Everybody listening actively gets angry listening to Lemaire. I have co-workers that are more interesting than Nate.

Travis

Love the history pods Matt

Grant Jansen

Lemaire talking no longer required

Zac Macqueen

Lemaire fucking sucks, leave him to his shit PITM podcast

BeardedVet94

Matt you're trash please stop uploading anything without Shane. I'd pay extra for you to not be in any for awhile.

TheSkis

Stfu fag

TheSkis

Stfu fag

takira

you are ill sire, seek god

takira

I LOVE THESE HISTORY EPISODES

takira

the people in here paying money to hate LMFAO bums

austin kuzmicki

Not terrible but a regular pod with guests would for sure be better

Daniel Muir

Go suck Shane’s fat one you cock sucker he’s busy making more content for the boys let the man cook

adam gardener

Fuuuuuck another morp episode. Shit sucks.

adam gardener

Lemaire always laughs at everything he says, and it's never funny, intentionally or not. Just ends every sentence with his fat retard laugh.

Tyler Clark

Genghis Khan would be a cool one as well or something on the Crusades. Loved the Cortez one. Excited to hear this one.

BeardedVet94

Thanks for the public info buddy. Sit on Matt's cock harder hell let him fuck your girl while you're at it.

Carl

Forgive me for my momentary weakness brother. I shouldn't talk to an elder that way 🙏🙏🙏

Nicholas Adamek

Lol this is Hardcore History FUBU style.

Mitch Greene

Brother, this shits cool as fuck. Ur gay as hell. Keep gooning nerd. Go listen to call her daddy

Charlie Darling

Lick my hole gently, John. And spell out your words like a grown up ya fucking queer.

Clay Ivy

New gen paytch commenters are brain dead. Lemeezy has been on casts for so many years now get with the program nerds

dylan enright

Been some of my fav episodes when your feeling like something other than lighthearted laughs

tyler myers

Matt no one gives a fuck. Talk about cool shit

Dave

If entertainers that I give $12 a year to don’t start doing exactly what I like I’m going to fucking kill myself (for real).

Mason weiss

“Is Pizarro the full name of pizza?”Jesus Christ what an absolute retard. I’ve hit my tolerance for this clown, Dia-beetle juice needs to fucking go

GhostofGon

I super duper agree bc Ghenghis Khan was built different

Elijah

Next part guys come on!!

Elijah

No bro it makes for a funnier show he’s obviously joking around otherwise Matt gets in his own head just talking to himself

Elijah

Ur a retard for not listening to these I pay specifically for this kind of shit

Elijah

Don’t worry guys this guy is obviously a retard who just got to the party. Bet this guy doesn’t even know about lemaire living in the pool house for like 2 years

Elijah

Ur literally a retard dude I pay for this shit gtfo out of my house I’ll make Shane do another 4 part hardcore history episode on presidents if u don’t back off

Elijah

Thank God they don’t give a fuxk what idiots like u think. I pay specifically for this kind of shit

BeardedVet94

*You're and I'd love a 100 part of hard-core history with Shane lol shit rules. Come here and let's kiss tips.

GUACYUME

Listened like 4 times I need part 2

Shane Byram

Praying for sustenance from the

Abdul G

While Shane is away, more Billy, spud, and SWIM

Mason

I remember when Lemaire was the editor. Before Garddawg. Lemaire has always been a fucking idiot and I’m glad people are finally hating his ass. The fucking moron used to get high and miss exits while driving Matt to record episodes. Lemaire sucks at comedy. Sucks at being the cast. He’s dumb as fuck. He is actually a shit bag and deserves to be treated as such. Did you not hear about that tard and his brother sharing a fucking flesh light? Banging the tranny? Hooking up with fucking Reddit trannies? You are new to the cast, because otherwise you’d know Lemaire is fucking dipshit degenerate.

Tom Bell

I'm fairly sure he's low IQ or something. Definitely autistic.

Tom Bell

Any slop today?

Dave

I think the slop isn’t coming because Shawn “the big fat piggy boy” Gardini ate it all out of his trough, thus explaining his weight gain

Carter W

WE need more book club today or WE will commit butt seppuku on Matt

Carter W

Matt on the jre

Deez NUTZ

The paytch boys have infact NOT been eating.

Nooders69

I was coming here to complain but never mind we’re good dawg.

Nooders69

Ultimate slop just dropped

Dave

What did I predict correctly this time? Did Shawn fatly apologize for dragging his hooves with some new eps?

jbdawg67

We don’t want rogie we want fucking river of dreams

Adam Graff

I kinda like the ‘Matt and other guys that don’t matter but if they can film well do it Secret Podcast’

Cyrus Cowan

lamas are cool asf chill

Pace

Dogs are getting hungry

Clay Ivy

Brother Lemaire falling upward for no reason other than Shane is truly magical and the beauty of capitalism. I've been here for a long ass time and there's nothing funnier than Lemaire being retarded on the show, don't hate just laugh

Dave

Gardini doesn’t post new shows because he’s too busy counting all his chins.

Carmel Water's #1 Guy

Every time Rogan talks about Epstein, he acts like knows absolutely nothing about the situation and it's his first time even hearing about it. He's clearly bullshitting. However, I do believe Matt hasn't looked too far into it and doesn't know much about

Barry

I love Matt I love these - Scotland. Fuck all you Yanks

TNHOOLIGAN

how the fuck was mccuckster boring on rogan? Tell the drug dealer story or something bro, jesus fucking christ

David Taylor

I’m having Shane Gillis withdrawls

James Simms

Can we stop forcing it with Lamaire, he sucks!

Cyrus Cowan

lamaire fucking blows idk what it is but he’s becoming insufferable

NewFool

Listened to some of Matt on JRE. Love Matt, but he kind of sucks at conversations, like he doesn't know where to go with statements in a conversation to make it weave into more interesting areas. Which is weird because he has the ability, listen to many of the Old Test or Round Table - Billy's Basement MSSP casts where he's fine with conversation. This is why Matt comes off bad in other podcasts or when he did the press tour for his last special. He doesn't "yes . . . and" the topics. Hope he gets more comfortable with it, but as of now, it's glaringly obvious.

jason fuese

I bet your conversation with Joe would’ve went smooth as butter. You a new fool

Bill

I love Matt but this was boring as fuck.

Bill

Moops****

Trevor Luther

That’s why I wrestle naked for agility. At least that’s what my uncle taught me.

NewFool

lol, what a dumb response.

Gideon Starsgrave

No / you’re wrong. We all know it. Quiet piggy

Gideon Starsgrave

You likely buy stuff with preservatives too so who cares what your addled brain likes; Zach is correct. Chode.

Stinky_Dinky

Fat And Gay? Why yes you are

Egbert Williams

Making people stand at podiums just makes everything look uncomfortable. Summarizing books is also a non-starter. And I think Matt is a really funny, talented guy, but these two ideas ain't cutting it. Or read something more salacious that 's ripe for riffing - like Marlon Brando boning Richard Pryor. There. A golden idea for free.

Ian

lemaire runs at 56k levels of speed. Can barely form a sentence half the time

Cliss finess

Do we get a discount for no Patreon episode this week? Like cmon guys..

Faggot

Yea nobody cares lil bro

Faggot

Quitchur bitchin

Cliss finess

Naw nigga. You’re name is faggot for a reason. Sybau

Dave

You should listen to Jim Nortons podcast, seems more your speed.

jbdawg67

No. Keep the conquistadors, it’s amazing.

jbdawg67

Bad take get your iq up

jbdawg67

He’s got a point

jbdawg67

He has immense levels of intelligence that he can’t even keep his own thoughts straight

Gideon Starsgrave

So, your retarded liberal ass just cucked yourself by denigrating homosexuality? I’m gonna use all you and your families holes when the SHTF

ShineyD

They are making a million dollars a month on this Patreon and they can’t even give the loyal dogs an episode A week Lmfaooo

photikmusic

A whole $12? Wow u are poor

photikmusic

Matt, hire me as a DEI hire. Looking for remote work.

Dave

Get in there Ash, we need to pretty up the show since Shawn “the big fat sweat hog” Gardini let himself go. He used to be lithe and sexy now he’s a disgusting bloated disaster and there’s simply no denying that fact in my opinion.

G.Lorenzo

Patreon takes a significant amount for themselves

Tennyson Tibbetts

Ash remotely sold me fentanyl. I can confirm good work

Gideon Starsgrave

Wow…you changed your name? Again? Did that come from the hot topic edge lord name generator? We got a class one Chode on our hands. Seriously - go to SE Asia and never darken the West again you lesser

Egbert Williams

You forgot to put me in my mom's basement. I'm sure Matt likes knowing a genius has his back.

val

matt has probably already hung out with joe outside the camera. this should be a normal convo by now. it’s not his first time talking with the guy

Dave

I was seriously suggestion nortons podcast. I loved o&a back in the day so I’ll tune in to the occasional new pod, it’s a bit less cerebral than some of Matt’s tangents and I think you’d maybe like it based on the Brando/Pryor thing.

GhostofGon

How’d you find this math

The Pope

Happy lent fellas

Gideon Starsgrave

Holy shit - the Italian former stallion is editing comments? What a joke

Gideon Starsgrave

Editing comments that hurt feelings because their OP’s are gay vs PRODUCING CONTENT???? What a bunch of chodes.

Bingus

You try sitting down and talking for an hour straight

GT

Matt Buddy Levy is my professor. I have been communicating with him and he said “Tell the boys (Matt and Shane) that I appreciate them covering my work and to have me on some time. I’m a frequent podcast guest.” Boys, if you enjoy buddy levy’s work as much as I have like this comment so we can get Mr. Levy on the pod!

Zach

Have ANYBODY ON, have an open mic’r on!! ANYBODY but Lemire or Nate. Unlistenable

Dave

People are so sick of the man you might say they’ve caught Lemaria 😎

Elijah

Dude next episode when??

Kayden Hund

Weird as fuck lol. Sorry we talk about real issues and not if we can piss or shit in a girls bathroom

queefs make me cum big cause they sound like farts

Honestly if they aren't going to put out weekly content they should lower the price. Bout to just go sub to history hyenas, at least they put out weekly pods! Paying for nothing is ridiculous.

Jay Dawg

“Last updated February 12th” This shit is like going to the store and paying for your item and the clerk takes the item back and keeps your money. But you fucking pussy’s are fine with that because “I’m a DAWG”

Dave

It’s a dollar a month man. Settle down.

Jay Dawg

Your parents raised a liberal

Double J

Matt let’s have part 2 already! Be a dawg and put out!

Dave

Your parents named you Jay Dawg

Buddy Levy

As the author of the books Conquistador and River of Darkness, I'm absolutely LOVING these but just catching up. Bit late to the show as I'm currently working on a new book. But damn --glad ya'll like conquistador stories as much as I do!

Buddy Levy

I'd love to weigh in on River of Darkness Part 2 ...

G.Lorenzo

What are you on about? I'm Buddy Levy. I wrote the books

Dave

Fuck you dude

KS

Any dawgz play Arc Raiders?

G.Lorenzo

Please stop impersonating me

KS

What are you on about? What are you British?

Dave

Never heard of it but I like that cat

jonathan nasca

if you arent full of shit this would be a good ep

G.Lorenzo

Your cat's a faggot sir

CHOOFIN KONES

Where’s the new cast ya smucks

JW

I picked a bad time to sign up. Ain’t no new shit.

GT

Never been more serious in my life brother.

TooMuchSpaghetti

I always renew my subscriptions for the cast at the worst possible time. Still, I’m a proud patriot 🦅 🇺🇸

ShineyD

Where is our slopppppppppp???

ShineyD

I do it for a living three times a week and show up every week and make 1/10000 of what they do People pay you to do a service so you do it. You can literally fire up the procaster with a mic and read a book lmao It’s a job

ShineyD

It’s prolly not accurate But ruff math 200k subs x $5 per person (average estimate some pay more many pay less if they where grandfathered in ) Minus patreons cut 5-12% minus lets say 10k for producers Even it was 500k after all that somehow you still talking way over 50k per episode per person prolly more More than most people make in a year lol

Scott Cannon

It’s pronounced “Jewish”

Collie

Keeping Matt in fresh Durags while us plebs starve!!

TNHOOLIGAN

i feel like Matt should go through every grade like Billy Madison and then go through College , and just fucking fail.

J

Shut up child

J

Soft mentality, need to borrow ten bucks chump?

J

Get out of here already ya trans crier. Go on get!

Jay Dawg

Nah I’m good. I’ll get you a rag to wipe Matt and Shane’s nut off your forehead. BRB.

J

Love you ash, great look for the show. You do look a lil stoned but that’s fine

Jesse Hewes

So no fucking paytch for two fucking weeks

Jesse Hewes

Not even Matt reading gay stories

Bob Ross

Highway robbery

JW

Did Shane stop mounting you, so you could write that.

Elijah

Yeah bro give it time the have months like this when Shane is filming tires but they usually mad up for it

MoistBread

As a loyal dawg I shall not complain as I know I will be fed. As much as this stomach may grumble, it shall stay humble.

Carter W

I NEEEEEEEEEED ITTTTTTT

The_Ninoo

Wheresss the payyytchhhh dawgzzz

The_Ninoo

I need a distraction from work

Dustin Brown

I love the gay stories, It’s like we’re all on a rug eating animal crackers

Jesse Hewes

Yes, I enjoy the Gay stories too I wan more real bad

Pace

Now the dogs are starving

Pierre

An update would be cool

Hillllly

Do we get this month free cause there’s nothing

Linden Padien

I see everyone else had the same idea 😂

Dave

Maybe Gardini has been trying to upload something for a few days but every time he sits down to do it his chair breaks under the weight of his enormous fat body

Carter W

Lawd bless u ts boutta get me thru the work day

JD

At lease hit us with an update

Nico

If you don’t upload youre gay 🤷🏽‍♂️

Hinch

I'm anemic now, thanks guys

NewFool

I don't fault Matt for getting a big-ish name like Joe List, good on Matt. Hope it makes some dawgs or the casual listener happy. That said, I do fault Joe List for being a woke apologist fruitloop, can't stand List. Normand rocks.

Dustin Brown

Check again, bucko. Fashionably late 😎

William Osteen

Come on bro. I need you to whisper tales of glory and conquest so I can sleep

Leo Daggy

Lemaire said a musket can’t kill a gator…. They usually hunt gators with 22’s lol muskets are 50 cal.

Pitcher Man

Glad this is the shit I was paying for. 🤮

Kevin O'Keeffe

Is Pizarro where pizza comes from lmao

Brendan Hall

Keep this content up Matt, you’re great at describing the history of the Conquistadors in an interesting and hilarious way

Joey

Plz keep this up dude. This is the 3rd time relistening to the series

Jacob Hartley

They actually have an option you can unsubscribe, and you’ll be able to save all that money that you’re paying to be on the Patreon 🙏🏼

Jack Ass

Thabk you ! These history eps sre worth the whole year of having to listen to shane

Melker

The storytelling in this one was confusing, commentary from the others made them get off track a lot and a lot of details were glossed over or hard to put together, the conquistador Cortez story was a lot easier to follow along with and get hooked on