Ray's Place: Is the Earth Made of Sex?; Dinner Party Menu of Death; Mysteries of Eggs (Patreon)

Ray, I just learned that most of the biosphere is bacteria deep underground, and they are constantly sharing DNA. So the entire earth sphere is having constant sex. How do I handle this? —Vin C.

Vin, 

Man, I had a suspicion. This earth is such a sexy place, with oceans all grindin’ on shores, geysers all bustin’ in the center of a tight canyon, blue-tini shots pourin’ into a belly button at midnight…I dare anybody to tell me this world shouldn’t just be renamed Sexual Globbotite! Like, Globe-appetite, but also it sounds like a mineral. Sexual Globo-tite? That looks weird too, like some kind of sphincter-shrinking spray. See, even my sexy mistakes are just other sexy ideas! That’s what we’re livin’ in, Vin!  

—va-va-va-vRRRAYUUUMMM—

—sex MADNESS at planet THREE—

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Hi Ray. I'm having a dinner party, and I need help with my wine pairings! We're starting with a charcuterie and cheese board, followed by a beef Wellington. I found one of those Viennetta cakes in the basement deep-freeze for dessert. Any ideas? —Katrina

Katrina, 

Damn, that’s a proper spread! You got any fiber though? Those guests gonna be hot dyin’ Elvis on the gasket if not. Maybe for the wine pairing, stir a tablespoon of Metamucil into a $9 California merlot (won’t be noticed).  

And damn, a Viennetta cake!? You are tuggin’ at my heartstrings (but still not my colon-strings) with that old thing! That rizz is Pantheon. I miss that saysay lil’ confection like wild.

..:Roppity:Poppity:Ray:..

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Dear Ray, are there any overlooked or secret ways to cook an egg? I have poached, boiled, fried, baked and scrambled countless eggs - even an omelette when the mood is right. But are there other paths available to me and the humble egg? FLON

Dear FLON, 

Of course! And you probably already been onto many of ‘em. Souffle? Hollandaise? Caesar dressing? All that stuff is eggery! You just go to broaden your concept of where and how eggs are. Challah at me, Player! 

As far as secret egg recipes, I saw this old documentary on the Masons once, and they showed this one section about a ceremonial egg they cook, where the whole un-cracked egg goes in this science beaker over a Bunsen at one end of a balancing scale, and at the other end of the scale is another equal beaker, with one of those glass birds that rocks back and forth and takes sips of the liquid that keep it in motion. There were some other adjusters and dials and stuff, but that’s about as clear as I remember it. An old Colonel Sanders type guy, without glasses, had a small model of a globe of the earth in a long wire holder and he’d pantomime how you’d lower it into the boiling water. 

Or wait, I think some parts of that were from a 'shroom trip I had back in college. (I took golf out at the community college one quarter, and this guy Treats Rollo hooked me up.) 

Thanks for the trip down memory lane! Maybe next time I’ll get Téodor or Cornelius or someone actually appropriate to answer your question. Forgot this time. ;)

—R a Y2C Ha6 CH O2

PS Usually when somebody signs off with a funny name that turns into an acronym, they leave the name intact and let the advice columnist figure it out. Here, you could have used Full Lacto-Ovo Nerd and I would have figured it out! Let’s give me some credit, amigo. 

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Confidential to Robby_Hasha: Yes, most clam chowders are technically gravies, not soups. True soups (any food you can shine a light through) are kind of a vintage hussle these days.