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0106 — Holiday Shorts — The Ray Embryo (Patreon)

Published:
2025-01-06 18:00:03
Imported:
2025-01
Tags:

Content

Happy New Year! From 12/30/24 - 1/10/25, I'm running six all-new short strips, like this one, on a M-W-F schedule. The regular strips, if there even is such a thing, will resume on Friday, January 17th. I wish you all a bright-eyed and prosperous start to 2025, and I thank you from my heart for all of your support, without which the return of Achewood would never have been possible.

C

Files

Comments

yung skittles

is this the first depiction of Ray's actual eyes? I guess it's still CGI, but it's meant to capture reality rather than other examples that, to my memory, are all gags.

Dan McG

Dude. ….Nightlife Mingus, Nice Pete, Lyle, Cartilage Head…if the standards of the world were real ones there’d be on Onstad statue in front of every public library.

emitydna

A.D.I.D.A.S. <--> U.T.E.R.U.S.

Oppido

The only other instance I can remember is when Robert Johnson was schooling Ray in hell. Not sure if that counts.

Andy Nemeth

I don't feel like I have a lot of outs.

Achewood

You guys. You have to accept that Ray has eyes.

Achewood

It only doesn’t exist because sculptors don’t want to carve a guy lying in bed reading his phone

Achewood

Uterus Rules Everything Around Me — new drop from fetal ray smuckles

yung skittles

My question was pure inquiry. I accept that he has eyes (why would he have glasses if not?) but had only seen his eyes either removed or comically large (admittedly his eyes, but not their default state).

Achewood

That was just for the people who didn’t like that Ray has eyes. You are well within your rights to ask after the appearances of Ray’s highly secretive peepers. We have to believe that the instance with Robert Johnson was real, although perhaps his eyes were only able to attain that bug-out state a la the special supernatural context rules of Beetlejuice or Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

yung skittles

Previously, it was possible that his eyes were just smaller versions of those bugged-out detailed cats eyes. it's just funny to me that the well-kept secret is that his eyes are the same as the other cats. Unless they changed as he grew...

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

Adidas always reminds me of former Soviet bad boys. Gopniks, if you will. Is Ray aware of that connection between his beloved uterus and the collapse of the USSR? If so, does he give the tiniest diblet?

Achewood

I think you know the answer to any “is Ray aware of…” question

Oppido

Next you're going to reveal that Ramses and Antonyne have eyes, too. Where does it end?

Achewood

Like all apex players, Ray just knows you don’t show your eyes.

Achewood

Oppido, eyes are something of a…*family tradition*

Matt Mitchell

Is Ray malaprop-ing “giblets”? I feel like he’d know what those are. I really like the short format, these are pretty weird in the ways I like

Achewood

diblets is a little-known slang term for small turds.

Achewood

The fetus only begins to form the thong if the mother has been hard-looked in the eyes by a real badass

Achewood

My kingdom for a Taschen coffee table book with big photo spreads of all Ray's parties

2scrogz

As someone who recently visited the Adidas Employee store and walked out with some SERIOUSLY FRESH KICKS to the point that I'm bragging about them to strangers on the internet, let me just say that it is EXTREMELY correct that CGI in-utero Ray (in-uteRay?) is nourished via an umbilical cord connected to the Adidas logo. This all checks out for me, 2 thumbs up, no notes.

C C

You might think Ray had to throw down some serious coin to get Sir David Attenborough to narrate this film. However because of some extremely private legal situations Ray got the whole thing for pennies on the pound as long as he agreed to never release it in the UK.

Achewood

Replying as someone who has been to two adidas outlets in two time zones this month, I have finished what I came here to say.

Achewood

Ray won the narration off him in a card game on an illegal flight to the Galapagos. (Ray thought you could actually “see evolution right in front of you”)

Shawn Warren

we've all got that one friend who wants to show you their diblets...

Achewood

Yes, this could have been Ray’s elaborate way of diblet-rolling his friends, if he’d been that malicious/clever

Andrew Gillies

Well at least now I don't have to think about Sir David watching women sitting on cakes, which is what I immediately thought when I heard about Ray in connection with the UK.

Taylor

Does Ramses not count as a real badass? I’d have to imagine he looked in Sondra’s eyes at some point. But maybe not hard looked I guess

Achewood

I think over there the equivalent is women sitting on treacly pudding, and it’s mainly done in celebration of rowing season.

Achewood

Ramses is the realest badass, That’s why Ray’s birth-thong has lasted into adulthood. Very rare.

Achewood

(It just hadn’t started forming yet at month two)

Professor Hazard

things ain't never the same once you seen a man's stew

Achewood

I'm glad somebody finally said this

s b

The Great British Bake-off

RaleighTSakers

The fetal ray is giving me very beef in a wonder bread bag tied with an extension cord vibes

Brandon Rahhal

Thank you for the clarification, now I understand just how malicious the act of "diblet-rolling" is. No sentient being should have to view another's diblets without a conscious decision in place, and possibly an agreed-upon contract of control/caretaking.