Ray's Place: Mutant Dogs; Job Interview Tips; What's So Great About The Modern Day (Patreon)

Ray, What is your stance on poodle mixes, e.g., goldendoodles? For me they're a beige flag at best, kinda moving towards red flag territory. --Ivan

Dear Ivan, 

This breed is way too new for us to feel safe about. When we get to playin’ God with life is when we start layin’ the groundwork for horror movies like Human Centipede and Beau Is Afraid. (Man, I heard that last one was supposed to be about a mom and a son but damn, what a terrible choice for Mother’s Day!)

The Goldendoodle was invented in the 1990s, probably in some illegal basement in Germany. That just ain’t enough time to see if their genome is stable, or if they will start to develop “emergent qualities” that lead to unthinkable outcomes. What if their gums are extra-sticky and three degrees warmer, allowing them to incubate…FUNGAL-COVID-1000? What if their brains have an extra type of molecule that makes their teeth grow out like corkscrew pasta, forcing us to become horribly disgusted? 

If you know someone who has a Goldendoodle, probably best to avoid going to their place or letting them come over until the animal passes. You don’t want them basin’ some movie on what happens to you, where a slimy red Goldendoodle infant bursts from your chest and starts eating your face before the lower half of its body is even all the way out.   

—Ray, The Boy Who Discover’d a Box Made 'o' Gold—

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Ray, everyone knows you have a gift for spotting talent, as evidenced by your signing of world class bands such as "The Sexual Homeboys" and "Sugar Loadzz". My question is, during a job interview, how can I best bring across my talent to the interviewer? —Bungus Bronbo

Dear Bungus, 

First, I am contractually obligated to say that The Sexual Homeboys are “flavorful beings who don’t need no ketchup.” (I really need to stop signing stuff after thick gang rips from David The Truth Cone, my vaporizer.)

When I’m interviewing somebody, whether it’s a music act, a new travel agent, or a landscaper, I go check out their car. No, I ain’t lookin’ to see if they’re rollin’ stickety-sweet in some caramel S-class with crushed burgundy velour seats—I’m checkin’ for cleanliness. Is that sled on lockdown? Or does the dashboard look like it should have astronaut footprints? Did the touch screen lose a tickle-fight with Vaseline Vince? Does the passenger footwell look like a 7-11 smash-n-grab? I’d hire a nobody with a spic-and-span ‘87 Malibu over a Harvard lawyer in a waxed Bentyaga with a cup holder fulla chewed fingernails, all Pepto sneeze spray on the instrument panel. I know that man retches bile into those Odwalla empties on the back floor! Strawberry C Monster ain’t that color, fool!       

—Raylon the CyberHogg, Planet 3.1—

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Ray, I've heard it said of many things that they were better a long time ago - movies, music, the quality of various manufactured goods - and that today's young people will never have a chance to truly understand how good these things could be. No one wants to listen to these people because even if there is truth in what they say, there's nothing practical to be done about it so it's just bad times to hear it. With this in mind I ask you the inverse - what things do you think are the best they've ever been? What are the loftiest highs the world has to show us at this very time that future generations will never fully comprehend the majesty of? — Matt O.

Dear Matt, 

This is a refreshing perspective! Sure, it’s easy to imagine that the chicken of 1932 tasted more chicken-y, and that dress shirts were made with a fine, thick material that didn’t pill in the armpits (seriously, the only good thing about Rayon is the name), but we got it way over on those days! First of all, and maybe most importantly, our anesthesia game is way bomb. I’ll explain. 

Back in the old days, if you had to get your leg sawed off (I don’t know why this was so common, but it’s basically all I remember from education), maybe they would give you a few snorts of whiskey before the doctor (usually just a guy) got his lumber saw out and had at it. Dudes in AA were basically forced to relapse every time they needed a leg off, which is inconsiderate. 

These days, if you need anything fixed—from a hangnail to a whole-ass new spleen—the anesthesiologist just gets you high as a timelapse dandelion, and when you wake up the nurse is like, “here’s a pound of Vicodin, don’t have it with Stellas, wink wink.”  

I’m also pretty jazzed that DoorDash will just leave the food on your doormat and not even try to talk to you.  

—Talkin’ R. R. R. Tolkien—

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Confidential to Heavy_Hadrons: Yeah, I’ve heard of REHIT, that exercise belief where if you just run once a week for twenty seconds you’ll see huge V02 and metabolism gains. I’m into it. Microdosing ain’t just for drugs anymore!