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After last week's comic about Cornelius's advance directive posted, the comments section filled with vulnerable, heartfelt comments from readers' real lives and real losses. It was a lovely experience, to be invited to read and chat with everyone on such a personal level, and to see others sharing kind words with fellow Chochachos.

This week, however, we take a hard pivot back into the real stuff of Achewood: what dudes decide to do when they are given a destination but no map. It's not what you expect, but it's also not going to make anyone proud.

Let the Tier 2 Making-of strip that posts two hours after this one be your entree to the broader levels of Achewood Universe content! There are over 500 total pieces in the Achewood Patreon — some of the finest satire and personal writing available today. Chew me out if I'm wrong. Please consider upgrading, if even just for one month!

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Comments

Achewood

It's kind of a clumsy implementation (it's no longer really an Easter egg) but it's what the platform can do, so

Josh Egbert

Ah, some proper Achewood style happy feels in the brain. Just what the chemistry needed.

Bob the Fish Productions

Also? Thank you for writing Molly with dialect, although I think you're steering closer to Scottish than Welsh here.

Achewood

Next week: Téodor bedrotting and getting evicted while Molly divorces Beef

GruntyGinMan

I thought dudes mostly just quietly drank and talked and then you looked up and your friends you were talking to are gone, like the end of that one episode of "Scrubs".

Achewood

Hey, I do my research — enough to justify my choices, anyway :) "aye" is used in both countries, as is shite. And since she's from centuries ago, it's hard to enforce anything. But thank you for the note, and yeah, I want to gently make sure she sounds like where she's from, more so than I have in the past.

Achewood

So I hear that referred to as the French Leave and the Irish Leave, but it's really just a Dudes' Leave. Or a Dornheim, if you're a PowerCho.

Lisa Taylor

I like that they all seem to be sitting in randomly-placed cubicles, with no thought given to "room flow." this is exactly how i picture male gatherings.

Achewood

It's the "leave of no emotions" basically

Josh Egbert

C'mon, off Sondra next. Time for a shocking episode.

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

Philippe's presence among The Men will be a core memory. He won't feel weird about helping a bro out in the future. He will be happy to do it.

Achewood

Bless the baby probationary dude

Achewood

Yes! All chairs were just sort of jammed around the center dude, like rafts tied to a barge.

Achewood

Shot while purchasing a candy bar at a gas station, like all respectable television series

Bob the Fish Productions

Oh, I know, I'm of Welsh blood. A good signifier would be to have her reaffirm what she just said at the end of the odd sentence: "Mike's an iron shite, he is", "men's lives would be richer, they would." Do that all the time, they do. And I'm pretty sure they have for centuries.

Josh Egbert

Not sure how youre going to secure the rights to "Hallelujah" to play over the scene but I believe in you.

Jacquelyn R Walters

Thanks for pointing this out! Completely missed it on first reading.

Achewood

Because it's this crew, though, he also won't bat an eye when someone throws up spaghetti all over the garage floor, or just lays on their face on the living room carpet for a day and a half (fully awake).

Achewood

It felt good to see everyone back together, I will admit.

Vincent Verweij

This is the most wholesome thing you've written.

Achewood

Nice! Love the tip, thank you. Know any good welsh sitcoms?

Achewood

hahaha West Wing, fall of Mark Harmon

Daniel M Ford

I dunno, I might be proud. Had a hard time this AM due to insomnia and some publishing setbacks and my dudes rallied around me even though it's just via group chat atm. This comic made it a little dusty in here.

Josh Egbert

Never underestimate the pleasure of being comprehended.

Achewood

Wait, what about the time...yeah, probably so.

Achewood

with extreme prejudice For some reason

b.zap

Them peanuts be a rough ride no lie

Achewood

Aye, their instincts came through, and Lyle wasn’t even barfing hard enough to shoot marinara out of his ears

Jason S

I am very proud of Pat right now for just quietly being a bro and not being a dick.

Achewood

When they ain’t speed bumps they’re just downright smeary, I don’t eat peanuts any more

Achewood

Pat can bring it. But he definitely expects everyone to notice what a great job he did.

Bob the Fish Productions

Well, "C'mon Midffîld!" is the classic, but everyone in it seems to be speaking backwards. In English, there's High Hopes and Stella, and of course Gavin and Stacey - which is half-English but still a good field guide to your Welsh persons. Look up Rhod Gilbert too.

Matt Mitchell

No Caligula w Philippe there, come on, T.

Achewood

Excellent, thank you. Although I kind of think you made that first one up.

Achewood

Philippe will just think it's the Olympics

Jenn

WHO'S CUTTING ONIONS

Matt Mitchell

“Wait, people usually wear something during the floor routines! Applesauce!”

Achewood

Emeril Lagasse! Sorry, I know this means nothing, it was just my first thought

Achewood

The Applesauce Shibboleth (is this an Encyclopedia Brown book? L Ron Hubbard fanfic? I can't put my finger on it)

Bruce Wright

I had totally forgotten that Molly is a 17th-century Welsh-type person!

DOUGLAS URBAN

I take animals where they're supposed to be. Where it's best for them. In this case, it's home. Specifically, your home.

NotAnon

This is really the first time I've ever really thought about how Molly probably definitely has some has an Irish accent. For some reason, perhaps comedy's sake, I've always read her with a very neutral American accent and all of her family as comically Irish

Achewood

am working on quietly emphasizing that dimension of her, which wasn't much present in the original design of the character, who I considered had assimilated to "American" during several centuries in heaven. I like her more with residual accent though.

Achewood

We buy Nature's Miracle by the drum

Achewood

See my reply to Bruce below, and Matt Harris also. She's originally Welsh, from centuries ago, but there's more to it! Lots of her family visit during the wedding arc on the main achewood site.

Sedric and Charlie

I have no words, I just love it. It's like Achewood ASMR, everyone gathering around to lift Ray's troubled spirits

Bruce Wright

Concur! Gwell hwyr na hwyrach, as they say.

Achewood

Next week it's just four rows of every cast member ever in inner tubes on a "lazy river" No dialogue, no plot

Justin Schardin

Feels like no way Ray doesn't see this as a business opportunity.

Tucker

And hats off for being so chill next to a barber

Sedric and Charlie

Actually I do have some words. Pat dilligently shining shoes reminds me of the part in the Nate Small book where we get a glimpse into his satisfaction thoroughly cleaning the kitchen, in stark contrast to his "avenging angel" role in the rest of the book. Maybe there's a side of Pat that could finally find harmony if he could apply himself to something so simple instead of being at war with everyone and everything

Achewood

You can take the cat out of the junior college intro to business class, but you can't take the [etc]

Uncle Elephant

This is not unlike the origin story for the Dad Club I started. It is a Basic Group of Dudes Being There for Each Other.

Achewood

Well said. It's the "look in the mirror" thing — he's constantly nitpicking everyone because he's frustrated with his own ability to perform with excellence.

Achewood

Poetically, Lyle hates shoeshine men. But for Ray, they put it all aside.

Oppido

Four thoughts here: - Love that you can see Todd's ears at Ray's ankle level in the final panel. Just really gratifying attendance to detail. - Who is this Cheryl, and when will we see Teodor fall down and diarrhea himself while trying to hit on her? - I like to think Connie chose the hat and overcoat because he knew it would provide an extra subconscious balm to Ray, lifelong seeker of a reassuring father figure. - In our stinky world full of toxic Tate/Peterson/whoever types, this strip is such a wholesome depiction of Guys Supporting Dudes that it actually activates the tear ducts a little.

Achewood

Is everyone wearing sandals and one guy always plays an acoustic guitar? I have seen a photo of a dad club like that.

Achewood

(1) thank you. (2) probably in seven days (3) I did indeed want Connie modeling classic gentleman vibes (4) I'm continually taken aback when this comic strip can generate such reactions, and am cautiously proud when it does

Uncle Elephant

Acoustic guitar must be a different dad club's trademark. There are, however, indeed times when everyone wears sandals. I will have to pitch pedicures, haircuts, and chipper little shavers.

Achewood

Good, the guys in the photo I saw were definitely drinking stouts you could spread on toast with a knife, and had tie dye plus cargo shorts. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, I just don't like to be around a lot of really pale legs.) Does the club meet regularly, or for specific incidents? Is there grilling of lightly marinated meats?

Uncle Elephant

Just about every week. (For comparison, my wife's women's group used to meet once a month, so apparently we dads have more shit to work through or something.) Also specific incidents if needed. Lightly marinated meats aren't grilled on the regular, but we do have special occasions where one especially cooking-inclined dad treats us all to his amazing marinated-and-grilled-meat-and-other-things tacos.

Achewood

This is extremely heartening. I wish there was something like this in my friend group. Instead, I see my closest friend once every two months, and I don't see my other friend. There's a third guy, but I'm not his friend.

Oppido

I feel like any "two people have guns, and one of them is Sondra"-type scenario is only going to end one way.

Achewood

Shey may not have formal hand-to-hand combat training, but have you seen how fast a cat's instincts are? Mercy.

Josh Egbert

I refuse to believe Sondra didnt handle her own sort of business when enjoying an evening at the meanest low old dives with Ramses.

Oppido

I mean really, any parent of an over-Youtube'd 14-year-old boy ought to send them this strip with the subject line "There's a better way."

Dan Gibbins

I like the idea that Molly's Historical Welsh comes out when she's angry or annoyed at something.

Clench and Cheese

Philippe has simple needs. You're happy, he's happy.

Achewood

I'm sure she could have, but Ramses would have stepped in faster than a quantum entanglement and twice as dirty

Achewood

That's often how it is with accents, isn't it?

NotAnon

I've read that! Several times! It's just fun to see that revisited here.

Achewood

Thank you! It might be a more complete and rich arc than the GOF, but it doesn't end in a car chase, so it doesn't get the same kind of respect.

Nicholas Williams

I don’t have working eyes anymore so when I didn’t notice the shoe in Pat’s hand I thought to myself “oh I guess Pat is sharpening a loofah to scrape across Ray’s asshole thus removing the hemorrhoid.” That is actually what I thought for a second.

A. Hamster

I have seen a dude tell his wife that he could not pick her up from the hospital after her hysterectomy, because it would interrupt his dinner. So any amount of caring from a dude is top shelf.

Ste & Danni JM

I would say, to my ears "iron shite" has the hard consonantal bluntness of an Irish insult. Welsh is a little more singsong. He'd be a "prickless sheep-shite" or something. If the syllables ring like a bell, it's Welsh.

Bungus Bronbo

Okay YES the comic is great and makes me happy in ways I do in fact understand, one way being this is is the first officially official alt-text since ""I intentionally ended this storyline in the blogs, and my blog will tell you why."

s b

just guys bein dudes

Matthew Miller

It's good to see Beef in this mode -- listening attentively, caring for his people and working with his hands, but not giving up the thin plastic rings of passive aggressive sass that bind the road atlas of his emotional journey.

A. Christopher Bowling

Honestly, I'm just happy to see Beef and Molly having a positive interaction for once.

Jay Y

I was stuck in one friend group that stank past its expiration point and the ringleader of that was a real King Shit, but in my 30s I started to cultivate more of those relationships where it was dudes showing up for dudes even when the circumstances were rough and my life has improved immensely for it.

C C

The alt text here is "scrif scrif"

Achewood

This is massive character internalization and I cannot say I am displeased

Achewood

Todd is like trying to kill a skid mark

Achewood

I think I speak for everyone when I say I want to hear more context, strictly out of morbid curiosity

Achewood

Good lord, was that really the last alt text? I'd have hoped for more from that onstad "writer"

Achewood

Nicely put. And I do like to think he still goes to AAA for the spiral-bound printed matter.

Achewood

I'm never rolling tape at the right times with these two. It's really unpredictable.

Achewood

tell us more about King Shit! Tell us more!

Achewood

chk chk, snip snip, saxophone solo

Achewood

Ste & Danni JM — that's a lovely bit of guidance and I appreciate it, I do.

Nicholas Williams

Was he King Shit of Fuck Mountain or was he some other kind of King Shit?

Achewood

I bet his parents were divorced and his mom would buy him any puffer or fitted ball cap he wanted

Jay Y

He was the guy I referenced months back who left his underwear on the floor of a shared bathroom and thought it was insane to be asked to do otherwise. Funny much of the time, but would frequently start fights with people whenever he felt threatened, which was often enough, and no responsibility or blame was too small for him to shirk. One of those types who insisted everyone was crazy but him and would frequently distort reality to match the notion that he was never incorrect despite holding multiple contradictory opinions within months of each other. However, the most heinous thing that he ever did is he had a girlfriend in his early 20s who wanted a kid and he didn't. She got pregnant b/c dudes can't be bothered to wear jimmy hats and the way he got out of that was by acquiring child pornography and then strategically putting it around their shared apartment to convince her that he was unfit to be a father or in the child's life. He got away with that and meanwhile told everyone else that the reason he broke up with her was because she was a heroin addict. He came clean about it all late one night while in a drunk and depressive episode. One of God's own prototypes. I hope to never meet another.

Achewood

Good goddamn, you met the true face of damage. I don't even think they have guys like this on Law & Order, they go straight to Busted! The Newsprint Mugshot Periodical You Can Buy At Bodegas

Jay Y

Managed a Goodwill too for a spell, and got all on his high horse about how much smarter and more competent he was, than the people working at Goodwill. Right up until they fired him, he was trying to convince the rest of us to quit our jobs so we could work for him. But yeah, live a busted life, meet some busted people. The synapses that light the way to solving a problem with kiddy porn would never have fired off for me. Equal parts money and mental illness in that family though.

Achewood

I met some very high-functioning sociopaths at Stanford, and to this day I check in on them to see what's the latest in Turkish scalp transplants and niche web services backwater grifting.

Jay Y

Elite colleges are definitely a place to meet them. I encountered a few a Columbia, one of whom would routinely get start-up money from investors on a product he had no intention of making. Then he cruised up and down the eastern seaboard in a rented car, fueled by a combination of stimulants. He advised me not to mix Red Bull and Adderall and to this day I have not.

Achewood

Cruising the ragged edge of an elective heart attack is one of the steady pleasures of such specimens. I have socialized with enough embodied cocaine to happily withdraw sans regret.

A. Hamster

Said dude is a Dude of Routines and also a gamer, and also a self-centered prick. He dropped her off at the hospital that morning, went to work, came back and played some StarCraft, then got the call to pick her up right in the middle of dinner. Dude complained that his dinner would be cold by the time he picked her up and came home, did it anyways and yelled at her for it.

cody

My relationship isn’t perfect, but man it’s wild to realize just how low the bar can be. Needs to be a regulatory agency to systematically break up relationships like this on a semi-annual basis. That’s the kind of Entitlement we really need.

Lowell Jones

Hey, I have a hemorrhoid right now too! Thanks for letting me vicariously have a brief dude hang. It was a soothing balm for my soul...but unfortunately not for my anus.

A. Hamster

Oh man I work for the county and I would be happy to work for the Department of Why You Two Together

Hyper Man

I think the achewood boys deserve some credit. Remember the Magreaux Dog? Pat coming out of the closet?

Minty

What a relief

C C

Holy Interventions my Dude, what an excellent thing to say!

C C

If only emotional entanglement was enforceable...

Taylor

I’m not sure how to feel about the implication here that Heaven is culturally American

Achewood

Haha, a fine catch! I was mostly thinking that she'd landed in an apartment in heaven that was largely peopled by Americans, at least over time, since there weren't many Americans when she died. Culturally, heaven seems to be a perpetually dark and windswept place prone to terrible fires.

Achewood

Damn, may we all pray for quick and triplicate karma on this loser

Achewood

I mean yeah, his mind immediately goes to the Bad Place about how liquefied chicken-sodium would rub on a hemorrhoid and burn, and helps his friend get ice cream instead. Win-win.

Achewood

That's right. And Lyle taking Philippe under his (oniony) wing. Cornelius emergency-cleaning Téodor's jack shack bedroom. There are many instances of dudes not just yelling at each other for their own shortcomings.

Mystic Eyebrow

I was today years old when it dawned on me that Molly has a Welsh accent. Democracy is a tough tattle