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0152b — We secretly replaced Ray Smuckles’ Folgers crystals (Patreon)

Published:
2025-11-14 20:00:14
Imported:
2026-09
Tags:

Content

The layout of this page suggests I have been deeply influenced by the stacks of Christmas catalogs which began showing up a few weeks ago. My particular vapor trail has led to a life defined by cured meats, overpriced shoes, and the PTA wallflower stylings of LL Bean. I also get a small magazine from AAA every single day, but since I can't imagine what I would buy from them, I never open it. Maybe it's like those letters the owls brought to Harry Potter, and if I open it I'll finally receive the instructions on how to live the true life that was meant for me, instead of the one where I only allow myself to stay in hotels where you keep your socks on because of the carpet.

This blurb was never intended to be an ad, but I am stirred to remind everyone that the Achewood holiday shop is open, and bangin'! There's a great assortment of original art right now. Shipping within 48 hours!

Files

Comments

jordan b.

I want a 'Long Clean Todd' shirt.

Achewood

Somehow I sensed if I added that late-70s rainbow and good vibez style font this would edge toward a shirt

Aaron J. Rushton, Writer of Words

If I looked at it on *my* ex-father-in-law's computer, it would be the first time I read Achewood on a computer surrounded by scriptural pull quotes specifically chosen to engineer me having a bad time.

b.zap

To see the future is to see a dandyboot stomping on a face for all eternity, especially when out of eaarshot

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

Science text grid is 3D to my eyes so super neato. A squirrel with ascites is to be pitied and diuresed and, if need be, paracentesis-ed. I dropkicked the Airport at my parents' house while I was clearing it out and it was very satisfying. It cracked and rolled, then died.

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

I will buy a cream to tan ringer tee with brown neck and sleeve rings.

Bruce Wright

Oh man, cured meats. It's almost time for the annual temptation to buy the Costco Iberico Bellota for a mere $649. (Which is, frankly, a steal.)

Kriegsaffe No. 9

Ray issuing a powerful sonic attack (Defy Danger to cover your ears in time; 6-: 1d4 damage and deafened for an hour; 7-9: ten minutes of deafness; 10+: you remembered to open your mouth, too, and make it out unscathed)

Achewood

Can there be a dungeons and dragons Achewood adventure? I genuinely don’t know how any of that game format works.

Achewood

It’s quickly becoming the new deep fried turkey

Achewood

So Todd should basically be stabbed in the belly button with the pick end of a Placker?

Achewood

I’m hearing a little 1984 in here, but haven’t read it since it was required reading at the beginning of Covid

Achewood

“The Bible isn’t a personality, daaaad!”

Bruce Wright

And a LOT less hazardous. Btw, did you get to try Bellota in Spain? It has such a rep — supposed to make San Daniele seem like Oscar Meyers

Zen Window

ray's entire thing is only held together weakly by his freakish charisma once that ability to exude bullshit and charm in equal measure vanishes we're only left with something deeply unpleasant gonna be a rough trip and a rougher come down

b.zap

Shiv em if you got em

Kriegsaffe No. 9

I am a published RPG author, it so happens, and yes, there are multiple games that would do Achewood justice. But that's a story for when I am not picking up my mom's prescriptions.

Nicholas Williams

SHE WAS A LONG CLEAN TODD IN A BLACK DRESS 5’9 BEAUTIFUL TALL JUST ONE LOOK I WAD A BAD MESS CUZ THAT LONG CLEAN TODD HAD IT AAAALLLLLL

Jason S

No, Long Clean Todd looks pregnant which is even more horrifying. Onstad, please stop before you inadvertently draw the Antichrist

Jason S

I dunno, the 80's text adventure format seemed to work pretty well in days gone by.

Achewood

This is the closest I've ever come to cackling, and was only prevented by a large and hard piece of pretzel which I am chewing

Achewood

Big echo on the vocals, the sound of someone sweeping broken glass, no other instruments

Achewood

But remember, this is Ray we're talking about. He's cursed with good luck.

Achewood

Damn, which one had rennet...was it one of the Harmwrath strips

Achewood

So you are something like a muckety-muck! Okay, I'm listening. Achewood always needs to expand its reach, so if it's finally going to be visible to [checks notes] indoorsy brunet male nerds, this might be its only hope.

Achewood

I did not, but I did come to respect their way with potatoes. Oh, such masters of the potato.

Jason S

Please don't tragically choke on a pretzel on my account, you would be missed

Achewood

Product idea: trained rat who senses when you've passed out from choking and goes to eat the offending morsel, thus saving your life

The Good Poster

With Long Clean Todd, Meth Ray, and Jorg-Dieter, every character in this arc is unnerving to look at in a different way. Have we achieved... art?

Conor Nelson

Oh look, a fifty dollar bill! So Anyway....

Conor Nelson

Really loved Paul Newman's starring turn in 1967's "Long Clean Todd"

Achewood

The vocals are performed by a wet translucent membrane which reminds people of Edgar Winter

Kriegsaffe No. 9

Hey, my BF's blond! But everybody else in my RPG social circle is brunet (except the female brunette). Anyway... If you're curious, I could try writing up a fan Something Or Other and see if it pleases you. I, regrettably, already have ideas for "we are 'crawling' the 'dungeon' of 'a boring night in Achewood, California, and we are all small animals or stuffed toys prone to strange adventures.'"

Nicholas Williams

When David Lynch died I bid on a bunch of his stuff at auction, and of course I got blown out of the water by richer, crazier people. But now I wish I would have stuck to my guns on that wet, translucent membrane that was up for sale.