Ray's Place: Parenting Wisdom; Wedding Do's and Don'ts, Boat Ownership (Patreon)

Heyoooo, everybody! Man, what an autumn I had! I got mad into landscaping, and I guess I got carried away with it, because it looks like the last time I was in here helpin’ Chochachos was three months ago. But on the upside, I got a goldfish pond now! I even had this highly-respected crew from Japan come build one of those badass wooden “moon bridges” over it—you know, the kind where the arch is so tall it’s hard to use, so you go around it. Looks hella beautiful though, and it might be the first thing I ever bought that symbolizes spirituality! Oh, and raccoons ate all the goldfish, so I thought about piranha, but then I thought about me accidentally takin’ a puffly tumble in there some party night. I’ll never be a skeleton, man. I’m a straight-to-cremate daddy. I would hate to exist as a skeleton.  

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As the foremost caretaker of the lot, what are the primary tenets of your approach to successful child-rearing? — Cody

Dear Cody,

Oh, I don’t know about that. Sure, I help show Little Nephew where the path through a good life is, but personality is pretty much set from birth, so there’s only so much you can do. You got to make sure there’s chicken and mac, and take some home movies, but there ain’t much beyond that. 

Oh! Big one: you got to show them they have value. I used to try this more with ‘Neph but it got to where I couldn’t really sell it any more, and we just let him do his thing. Lately he’s joined some online society called EdgeGoons, so he’s in his room a lot. I assume it’s got somethin’ to do with edgelords, which is where people say difficult stuff in a messageboard. Maybe they’re bein’ jerks in a chat room, I got no idea. At least he ain’t doin’ the fenty fold in front ’a his Cheerios. 

=Ray, Not A Doctor=   

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Bro I am planning my nuptials please tell me what you know about game for an event like this. I want to hear about features, facilities, dining, anything you would like to discuss is going to be helpful. I am sorry not to be asking for a specific piece of advice, but would appreciate any pointers. For additional context we are planning to cater our own event on our own rustic premises, slaughter lambs from our flock for the main course, you get the drift. —Nick

Nick, 

I’m glad you’re fixated on the attractions for your guests, but that ain’t the engine of this deal. Sure, I dig throwin’ a lavish event for my people, all with kegged hot honey old fashioneds and a Lobster Thermidor bar manned by an Alan Hale, Jr lookalike. (Hale played The Skipper on Gilligan’s Island, which I realize might be to some of you what stagecoaches or the pterodactyl were to me.) But that’s all just flexin’, and for a wedding it’s missin’ the point. The wedding is about you and your bride becomin’ one, not how many different sauce dots are around the panini-encrusted lamb chop! This gig is about settin’ up a love to withstand the ages, and it’s the rare opportunity for others to see what pure love looks like when it’s center stage. So show ’em! Write some sincere vows for each other, get an advance copy of any toasts so they can be rewritten or banned, and design a ceremony that shows you actually get and have what it will take to stick with that “til death do us part” bit. 

Some hard truth: Back when I was with Tina I used to try and imagine what vows I’d write for our wedding, but always just came up with anecdotes about how she didn’t like how hot the plate at Mexican food was, or how she wouldn’t get out of my favorite recliner even if I was really tired. That was kind of how I knew our love wasn’t one for the silver screen. Or maybe even love at all.  

Also—and I can’t stress this enough—during the ceremony, do NOT let the groomsmen attempt a choreographed dance routine to “Uptown Funk.” My old buddy Smacks Peel let this happen at his vow renewal and I was so disgusted I left before the appetizers. 

What an absolute disgrace. I couldn’t look at the man. I’m still angry. I snooze him on Facebook every thirty days.           

-=Ray Smuckles, The Love Surgeon, MD=-

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Ray, are you a dude of speedboats/skiboats? I was raised in a weird family where any boat with a motor was considered a vulgar extravagance (sailboats were celebrated). After a weekend of waterskiing with a friend’s family, however, I am definitely picturing a smiling me driving a dope-ass boat through golden sunset waters while my daughters do flips on wakeboards. My friend is a cool guy, but I definitely saw a lot of other boat dudes at the lake with Oakley Blade sunglasses and T-shirts featuring bald eagles (also wearing Oakley Blades) pissing into Joe Biden’s mouth. I don’t want to know those fuckin’ chuds but I do want to explore secluded coves. Advice for the wavering boat guy? —Nicholas

Nicholas, 

There’s this thing where from the outside a boat seems kind of pointless, insofar as you take it from its slip, drive it out to a random place on the water, chill for a bit, then drive it back to the slip. But if you’re on that boat, out in the sun and elements, listenin’ to the engine roar and the water splash and feelin’ the wind surround you, it somehow seems like a full experience and a well-spent day: nothing was accomplished, yet everyone’s pretty satisfied. So, boats have, like, primal ancestor magic, and that can’t be denied. 

But I will definitely say don’t buy some five-figure thing around the delusion it’s about makin’ memories with your kids. Men just want boats, like we want meat with lines on it or poorly-guarded minerals. You’re gonna take that boat out five times, to the tune of maybe four grand per ignition, and all your kids are gonna remember is how much you hated trying to drive in reverse down the launch ramp with the boat trailer, and you got called the f----t word six times by a guy whose bass boat you almost scraped. They will remember that you seemed kind of scared and dominated by him, and they’ll even remember it when they’re choosing which men to marry. 

If you must go the boat route, though, definitely do not get a sailboat. I went out sailing with some dudes from the club one afternoon, which mostly meant sitting around for a couple hours while they got all the goddamn ropes and pulleys and bilges and keels set up. Then the boat was at like a forty-five degree angle the whole time, so you had to hold your beer nearly sideways, and drink it at the edge of your mouth. 

Maybe look into college savings accounts instead. 

—Cappy Ray Smuckles, The SS Malaria-Hog (if I had a vessel)—   

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Confidential to BerzerkVikingInNH: I don’t think using smaller dinner plates would help me eat smaller portions. I got no problem goin’ in for seconds and thirds — in fact, I think seconds and thirds taste better because you know you’re in a race against the clock. Plus, multiple refills reminds me of back when I took golf at the junior college and had a crazy appetite all the time. Those were some happy days! Anyhow, glad you were able to fit back in your wedding tux, even though that is not something men ever really need to do unless they’re plannin’ a weird killing spree.  

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