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0167 — Téodor's Album Artwork For Ray (Patreon)

Published:
2026-02-27 18:00:17
Imported:
2026-02
Tags:

Content

A continuing installment in our series exploring the myriad ways in which men actually say "I love you" to one another. See also, A Fuck You Friday at Scobler's, Cargo Pants, all other Achewood.

B-Roll Strip

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Files

Comments

Josh Egbert

Literally nothing in the first 12 panels could have possibly prepared me for the 13th.

Achewood

Imagine me shaking my head at my life when I realized that adding this panel would solve my problem

Achewood

Okay, so there’s something called radio gnome. I will look this up after breakfast.

Tom P

Amida Buddha save us from ill-advised attempts to "Do The LBJ" at people when one is hung like a raspberry.

b.zap

Trumpet be all, bone bone bone

Achewood

I’d heard about the LBJ toilet sessions, but did not know it was because of prostate delays

Josh Egbert

Really classy of Ray to spring for the upgrade

Achewood

And the solo occupancy on the Trio bed

Achewood

This presumes I was ever anywhere

Distant Egg Song

Glad to see Doc Andretti's Prostate Table making a comeback.

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

1. I do not like the fingertip trumpet buttons. 2. There was an episode of Flight of the Conchords where David Bowie came to Bret in a dream and told him to shake his wang at a record exec. I think Teodor got this idea all on his own though. 3. Okay that took a turn.

Tim Hulsizer

We've reached Herriman / Walt Kelly levels of comic strip linguistic excellence

Achewood

The Trio! Are there two strangers off-frame?

Achewood

I need to watch more of that. Discovered it recently and was amazed.

Nicholas Williams

Teodor's album should be called "Flaccid Floppin' in a Friends Face."

Tom P

President Johnson would often use group bathing or other homosocial activities to achieve, "Genital Dominance" over legislators and others. While it is popularly held that all problems descend from whatever bespoke concoction of shadows and demons were in your environment ages 9-12, it is true that very few people can do what LBJ did, because LBJ packed. Most of our presidents have been average, with LBJ and Abe Lincoln skewing the average significantly upwards.

Achewood

Dribble-Tippin’ At Me Droog

Achewood

This one was veering into Overwritten territory so there’s a lot in the noon strip.

GruntyGinMan

Doc Andretti hasn't updated the Japanese Robot in 15 years.

Jay Y

Ray knows who Tom Waits is but wouldn't know who Leon Redbone is. Also I can't see that name stylizing without thinking of the early albums of The Killers (they had more than one, I am told)

Clench and Cheese

Teodor is really stuck in the 00s, man. The 2025 thing to is take a shit in the office while Ray's out, like Packer did to Michael Scott in the Office. Also, that trombone looks like a dog toy. Not what you want to give a cat.

Achewood

This is fair. Tom Waits is hard to get away from. Leon Redbone is hard to find. Redbone’s “Come and get your love,” however, was quite possibly playing in the room as Ray was born—just in the air, not from a device.

Achewood

I’m going to be this trombone for Halloween

Achewood

Is it a documented fact that Lincoln packed too?

Achewood

“But Ray, the Japanese” still strikes me as a pretty decent line.

Ted

I found this heartwarming.

Tom P

No man could liberate the slave and break the rebel power without having a magnum dong, to think otherwise is to boggle the mind

Jake McIntyre

I dunno. He's able to operate it cost-effectively with just one rectum. That seems like an improvement.

Achewood

Men taking care of men. This can be a thing, people.

Achewood

The yen has also depreciated significantly in the meanwhile. This is to Téodor’s benefit.

Achewood

This topic would make a great coffee table book. Or Ken Burns treatment.

blair

All panning across Franklin Pierce's daguerrotyped schlong with sad banjo music.

Bruce Wright

His unit is in a special, eyes-only vault of the Smithsonian

Jay Y

On reflection, the font style complete with devil-tail serifs plus the skeletal trombone has me worried that some ska is about to happen to me and I would not like that.

Jay Y

Excellent alley-oop to "Come and Get Your Love"

Bruce Wright

‘a shit to a fartfight’ is the kind of eloquence that keeps us coming back

Achewood

Thanks, am just happy that song exists!

blair

Dave Barry once remarked that he'd reached "the age where prostate jokes aren't funny anymore." Having been there, done that, and gotten the Rx for Flomax, I have to say that is not the case here.

LemonSoiree

Feel like bringing a shit to a fartfight is a positive thing, honestly. None of those farts are gonna be able to compete with you.

jordan b.

this might be peak Achewood. Not a single thing could be improved. The second half in particular appears to have lowered my blood pressure and started to reverse my monk diming.

Evan Tessier

I sense I am not alone in the room when I think things like "twenty years ago, the fancy three-man Japanese prostate machine was a funny gag, and now I too long for the sleek cyberpunk sterility of foreign examination of my clinical girth." However, that thought was absolutely obliterated when I took a second look-over at the strip and thought "Ray's presence in the examination room suggests that he knows what the inside of Teodor's butthole looks like."

Achewood

At first it’s a confusing phrase, and then it’s a confusing phrase!

Achewood

If we can’t laugh at our own prostates, how will we handle what comes next, I ask you

Achewood

It’s just a weird situation overall though, you know? Like, “how did we get here?”

Professor Hazard

in this installment, Chris Onstad yells at Chris Onstad about a pretty good Chris Onstad illustration

Achewood

That’s very kind, thank you brother!

Achewood

And he’s just straight up staring, cold and indifferent, but he’ll always have this over T.

Professor Hazard

Question: would Ray have been mollified by much the same picture, but instead of a bone trumpet it is a regular trumpet in the hand of the bone-thumping apekin from 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Morgan

It's incredible how Ray is instantly bored and bemused by Teodor's penis in his face exactly four moments after it comes out

Douglas Wykstra

Every musician has a moment when their album's cover art becomes "off" in a way that subliminally informs the would-be purchaser that the whole operation is compromised. It could be so tossed-off that it's clear no one's really trying (Ramones, Pleasant Dreams) or artistically ambitious in a way that suggests a former working-class hero is now spending a lot of time wearing fur coats to art galleries (Billy Joel, River of Dreams) or cover art for an album by the Red Hot Chili Peppers (Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stadium Arcadium). That Ray can still sniff this out suggests he's still basically artistically sound (Teodor's mock-up falls into the "aiming for irreverence and hitting something viscerally unpleasant" subcategory (see: Aerosmith, Get a Grip)). That it's even starting to appear in proximity to his work suggests that he could do with a prostate exam of the soul, or at least start getting colonoscopies at the frequency his doctor recommends.

Douglas Wykstra

"the early albums of The Killers (they had more than one, I am told)" WHY FIND OUT

Jay Y

Musical artists that were absolutely everywhere for a brief period of time and then continued on, producing work but mostly forgotten, fascinate me. What alchemy was there in the culture for the time that allowed for it? (also if I still feel like talking about The Killers, I've seen a bunch of drunk dudes do "Mr. Brightside" at karaoke and prefer, and got a better response from, "All These Things That I've Done")

Johnny Deans

Panel six is pure “Dude Who Has Known You A Long Time And Is All Too Familiar With Your Bullshit”. Perfection… and I feel seen.

Jay Y

River of Dreams is a good example, but Joel also basically stopped releasing pop music then.

Douglas Wykstra

Hot Fuss rips front to back and I will hear no slander against it. I do like some of the later singles, but am aware this is a flaw of my character.

Jay Y

Oh yeah, I'm not disagreeing with you, just musing on vagaries of media attention.

kdusjjdhxksj

"Hmm, is something happening here? Nope, doesn't look like it."

Douglas Wykstra

Billy Joel is honestly underrated as far as knowing when to switch to Perpetual Tour mode. U2 just released a 6-song EP *nine days ago*, and I am so mad I'm going to listen to it.

kdusjjdhxksj

It brought to mind the run in veep that's to the tune of "something something S will hit the F." "The shit will hit the fuck?" "No, the shit will not hit the fuck, shit doesn't hit fuck." You just sit there marveling at the language you speak

Amy Lewis

Am I the only one who wanted the title to be "Rhythm 2 tha Bizzone"? (probably)

Jay Y

This output is also weirder and more varied than he gets credit for. Plus he's got synesthesia!

Achewood

I enjoy this meta interpretation, and promise to re-halve my efforts at mental therapy and inner peace.

Achewood

Dude is hung like a cranberry after all, doesn't take a long time to see it

Achewood

I too will make the effort to listen to the new U2 Ep now, just because it's short and I have to cook lunch. Wow, the first song sucks and I haven't even gotten up yet, and I like U2 a lot And I still maintain you need to start a sub stack for your (girthy) insightful, scholarly Comments. And holy shit is that Arcadium album cover a total head scratcher

Achewood

I'm glad you caught that. I wasn't sure if that panel would come over. The idea is that Ray can tell by the exaggerated diction and larger structure of T's rant that he spent time stewing and putting it together while cursing his client — that it wasn't extemporaneous. Right?

Bungus Bronbo

"If it more time is taken to reveal the moon than the time taken to threaten the reveal, the moon must be reconsidered." Articles of Confederacy, Chapter 2 Verse 3

Achewood

I hadn't thought of that, but it is true to canon and makes all kinds of sense. I was thinking last night about how the first few months or more of the cats, they had a simpler and more childlike capacity to their voices, and would sincerely use words like "bizzone." Now they'd use a word like that ironically or satirically. I was wondering if I could have Ray saying that Beef was listening to "gothical" music and decided it was too much in the old voice sensibility.

Bungus Bronbo

It's one of those situations where, whatever the outcome, the fact that you're here means you've lost.

LemonSoiree

True enough, but so has your opponent, and maybe that’s all you need sometimes.

GruntyGinMan

Still on Windows NT? Who built it, Northrop Grumman?

Achewood

This went over my head. What’s up?

Dan W

Truly is. But except what about the Japanese.

Bungus Bronbo

It's age old wisdom, if you're gonna moon someone and it takes longer for you to get your ass out than to say "kiss my ass" or comparable threats, then you probably shouldn't do it.

2scrogz

Jay Y nailed it; "Mr Brightside" is their most well-known, but it's nowhere close to their best song - for which "All These Things That I've Done" is a strong contender. (Also, "Are We Human, Or Are We Dancer?" is a contender for most "philosophy" done in a pop hook.)

2scrogz

Teodor once again folding with a focus and intensity normally seen only in successes. It really looks like he did an AI prompt and then smoothed out the edges in Illustrator. Lazy in, tacky out. Ray is right to be annoyed at this slop.

Achewood

After working for Tina until his id collapsed, he isn’t really on even footing with the concept of dignity

Achewood

Update: that EP is proof that U2 can shit out an album even when they don’t want to. This is not to say the album is worth listening to.

Achewood

The CIA, of course. There’s a whole podcast series about it.

2scrogz

Ray vs Teodor arguments make for some of the best Achewood dialogue, due to sheer insult creativity. Panel 4 had me audibly chuckling.

Achewood

When I decided that Ray and t would be mad at each other was when I knew I had a strip

Achewood

I will never not take the opportunity to mention that I used to skate with Killers drummer Ronnie Vannucci when he lived in Mi Wuk Village, CA

Hunter Tammaro

Having been on both sides of this equation, it resonates so hard I can feel the pure tone in my skull.

Achewood

Impressive (?) how many Chos know this extremely specific and subtle aspect of the human experience

2scrogz

"Something happens. Ray & Teodor are mad at each other about it. It's not really clear who's right. Choice words are exchanged. THE END, NO MORAL." -how I imagine the formula roughly works.

2scrogz

To be fair to T - we have no idea how vaporspeak Ray's brief was. For all we know, it was dictated into speech-to-text while he was zonked out of his gourd on Mr. Forever pills.

Achewood

He's the deuteragonist of Ray's upcoming musical, "If It Ain't Yellow"

Achewood

Copied and pasted from my actual first note about this strip: "Ray checks in with Téodor, who has been tasked with making the cover art for Ray’s inspired comeback single, Rhythm Of The Bone. Téodor has drawn a trumpet with a bone-end where the mouthpiece should be, and bent thumbs as the valve buttons. Ray blows up and they get into a classic Achewood fight. Ray argues that Téodor hasn’t gotten anywhere in life because he doesn’t listen, and Téodor argues that Ray wasted his time with a creative brief that he obviously wrote while stoned. Ray argues that Téodor should learn not to take badly-defined work, and that he’s just a symbol of the universe, an not responsible. They fire each other, then agree to go to sauna."

haveacraigday

"Where'd you learn to talk to people? A nightmare?" is an instant all-timer

rickward

the hurt part of me totally wants to see Onstad re-halve and re-halve again, seeking serenity through a homeopathic model. One quarter-hour talk session per year, eventually watered down to a nod at a former therapist during a chance encounter in the checkout line at Zupan’s every ten years or so

rickward

something something end of the carry trade

rickward

I assume at least some of us are familiar with the infamous Twink Lincoln sculpture

The Good Poster

There is no creature on Earth lower than the hated "Client", yet Teodor turned in work more appropriate for a "Now That's What I Call Skeleton Trumpet! 6" collection. Bad play all, except for Doctor Andretti and the Japanese remote operators.

Glenn Ramsy

Where was Aerosmith as a band when they decided engorged and pierced udders makes for a compelling addition to your CD rack? While on Aerosmith, you remember the Revolution X game? The ammount of money I spent on that probably got one of their kids through art school.

severecorvid

ray had to witness teodor’s shitty design, his dirty little pipe, AND his blood pudding in the same goddamn day

Johnny Deans

Impressive how your work so often strikes a sympathetic chord in the very ids of the overly sensitive ultra self aware weirdos out here with our hearts all flapping in the breeze unsure whether to scream into the void or give it a teary hug… while screaming.

mutecypher

Dude needs a win. But Elon doesn’t need eigen-losers anymore.

Datura

panels 2 through 4 made me laugh out loud. poor teodor. he does deserve it acutely. but on longer, samsara-type timescales, i pity his soul. of course, he is a character from a comic strip, so i am probably just crazy. *crazy person sounds*

Datura

imagine you die and it turns out you can get reincarnated as characters from stories imagine how bad that could be

Datura

it could be true! some pour soul could be inhabiting the thoughtform of teodor. the only solution to this is that we must never make art, ever, and only eat cheerios. the only 'art' permitted to be made will be of awesome guys who have fun all day, and at night, eat cheerios. this post has been brought to you by general mills

cody

I went straight for conspiracy theory, so thank you for the clarification. Went from crazy to wise in 3 seconds.

Phineas X. Jones

Saving 'your creative brief was a farrago of vaporspeak' for future emails to clients

s b

I feel like this all wraps around with Charlie Brown (‘s ghost)

s b

if only the Japanese doctors could save Mr. Creek

Achewood

Now That's What I Call Skeleton Trumpet! is playing at 8pm on channel 3 in my alternate universe where I live in a small stone house in alternate coastal Ireland in the 1970s

Achewood

And let's not forget he's probably still running the mile high club. The things he does for these people.

Achewood

He still wakes up every day! But it's what he does with it that keeps him down.

Achewood

what if the sad truth is that most people are living unfulfilled lives of quiet desperation like T, all around us, and this is why everyone puts up with the glyphosate-trickle of Oceania that we call existence

Achewood

Please, please, just use this in your sig line, no credit needed

Strange Matter (edited)

Comment edits

2026-09-20 10:00 clinically girthy is the least desirable type of girthy. I love how they went to the doctor together even though they were ready to use bodily fluids in anger moments before.
2026-03-01 04:36

Achewood

Téodor was There for Ray when Ray had his hemorrhoid

Morgan

Ray does not know this, but he is now even with Teodor on the whole "fucked Garfield" thing

A. C.

I should incorporate farrago into my daily speech

Achewood

I almost used the word apotheosis today but I forgot how to pronounce it. (It's not "uh-PAW-thuh-sis," which was one of the choices I gave myself, for the record.)