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Lyle's Car Repair Service For Women (Patreon)

Published:
2026-05-13 17:00:06
Edited:
2026-05-13 17:14:45
Imported:
2026-09
Tags:

Content

[Original run date July 17, 2009, in the Achewood Assetbar subscriber service. Unavailable since approximately 2011.]

__________________________

Lyle has just returned from buying little scented pine trees at Pep Boys. (He hangs them in his tent in the back yard.) A new business venture, inspired by a transaction he observed while in line, has had his mind racing the entire walk home.

- + -

LYLE GABRIEL: [Bursts into living room] Hey, I got an idea for a business!

TÉODOR OREZSCU: [Reading magazine on couch, does not look up] Huh.

LYLE: You know how mechanics always rip chicks off?

TÉODOR: Sure.

LYLE: I'd be the middleman! The chick'd tell me what was wrong with her car, then I'd figure out what was wrong, and I'd take it to the garage. No wrencher's gonna BS me, man!

TÉODOR: [Looks up] Why should the woman trust you?

LYLE: Flat fee, man. Twenty bucks. Way less than some crook greasemonkey paddin' an extra eighty-five clams into the ticket for “battery post visual inspection” or “cylinder head count confirmation.”

TÉODOR: Isn't twenty bucks too low? The average garage overcharge or upsell for a woman is probably like four hundred bucks.

LYLE: Twenty bucks for me takin' in some Aspire with a dead power door lock actuator and yellin' “FIX ONLY THAT AND NONE 'A YER BULLSHIT!” is a pretty good deal. Takes me about six seconds. Plus, there's a lotta chicks out there with pent-up car problems they been afraid to get fixed. A surplus, man. I'd be busy mornin' 'til night.

TÉODOR: How would your system work? Like, logistically?

LYLE: I'd meet the chicks a couple blocks from the garage, check the car out, then drop it off.

TÉODOR: Wouldn't the garage be suspicious of you always bringing in all kinds of different cars?

LYLE: Whatta they care? Business is business. I'll kick their asses if they bug me, I'll tell you that much.

TÉODOR: What would the woman do after you dropped off the car?

LYLE: That's up to her. I'm gonna be wearin' cologne and stuff, so that's one angle.

TÉODOR: Maybe you could have a company car and drop her off back home. That'd be a nice service.

LYLE: Eh, if this brings in enough cash, yeah, I wouldn't mind gettin' myself a little chopped and channeled Model A with some whitewalls and a screamin' 350.

TÉODOR: No woman wants to ride in some creepy old Jack Daniels hot rod.

LYLE: Chicks only think they don't like street rods. Once they get in, it's like some taboo's been broken, and they're bein' a “bad girl.” That's when they start creamin' a little for ya. 

TÉODOR: Huh. So, for twenty bucks, you save them money AND let them live on the wild side for a bit.

LYLE: Lotsa' broads never run up against a real hard-livin' guy like me. It's a breath 'a fresh air after all their no-opinion-havin' jerk dope weiner boyfriends from the office building.

TÉODOR: Well, I guess there's an angle there if you can get it going. How are you gonna advertise?

LYLE: I'll just look for a chick with a broken-down car and pitch 'er. Pretty soon she'll be tellin' all her friends about me, word of mouth, and it'll be heavy cash with a chance 'a gash, man. Some chicks might come back just for the free roll in the hay, you know?

TÉODOR: That won't happen, but I like your optimism.

LYLE: Won't happen, huh. Screw you, T. Amateur bastard.

TÉODOR: I'm just saying, some guy with cologne who brokers car repairs off a street corner...any female who offers you action, I wouldn't just wear a rubber, I'd rent an iodine chamber and some swim goggles.

LYLE: This's the last time I tell Dr. No the next great idea! Have fun on the couch there, lettin' the next microchip pass you by.

TÉODOR: “Ignorance is bliss, said the person.” Old Chinese sentence.

LYLE: [Leans menacingly, dangerously close in to Téodor, then waves his extended middle finger beneath Téodor's nostrils like a smelling salt] Fuck you.

TÉODOR: [Turns away]

LYLE: [Squats down] I SHIT ON THIS FLOOR!

TÉODOR: [Arms crossed, still facing away]

LYLE: [Stands, pumps fist, leaves]

- + -

Files

Comments

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

The likelihood of the skanks Lyle likes knowing about their cars is pretty high. Whereas I, a classy lady, have a son-in-law who is a car guy and definitely does not get schwifty and shit on the floor.

Derek Adams

Some people interpret "you can't take it with you" as a call to spend all their money before they die, Lyle's attitude towards STDs indicates that he includes his physical body in the equation. Is Lyle secretly a genius?

Douglas Wykstra

It's a close call, but I'm gonna say Lyle comes out an ally on balance, if only because he's not the type to let his erotic fantasies get in the way of his basic professionalism (a distinction which cannot be claimed by Todd, or frankly Teodor).

Achewood

What if the only thing you do take with you is STDs. This is a thought experiment. I will be exploring this on Rogan Thursday

Achewood

Right. He’s leaving the possibility for romance open, but even when confiding with a male, he does not exhibit any indication of sexual motive as primary. He just wants $20 because his sense of value is tied to a liter of Evan Williams plus applicable taxes and bus fare.

Douglas Wykstra

Having a car guy in the family is great. The only downside is that one is tempted to make one's next car a Datsun 280Z because he'll enjoy working on it so much.

Achewood

Dear god I have a nephew who spends all his not a lot of money working on a Z so he can take it to “drift” events and hasten the orphanhood of his baby son

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

He has a Mazda 2 hatchback that he has rigged up for ice racing. It's electric blue and he named it Cookie Monster.

FactWino

But does Lyle actually shit on the floor, or is that just an expression of his?

Achewood

It's easy to look down our noses at people who love to use cars in our ceaseless battle against friction, but thank god they are out there with their car briefly going sideways

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

The Norski in him needs to find a way out since he doesn't ski, skate, or snowshoe. It's not Tokyo Drift, it's Jotunheimen Drift.

2scrogz

Oh Evan Williams. One of the most "sold in a glass bottle" of the all-time shittiest whiskeys.

2scrogz

"Some chicks might come back just for the free roll in the hay, you know?" -Lyle, in a moment of Optimism, inadvertently re-inventing prostitution

Achewood

A "Fonzie scheme"? I don't know if that works as a joke. I have been up a long time

Achewood

It's plastic in pint format. Saying this on behalf of a knowledgable friend.

Shawn Ritchie

"That's when they start creamin' a little for ya." well, that's Today's Sentence I Wish I Hadn't Read Into My Memory Cells all sorted

Achewood

Lyle really gets them ladies in the goop loop There, maybe that overwrites the original offense

Shawn Ritchie

lol fucking god damn, dude the cash'n'gash pairing really desecrated things as well. nice work.

Achewood

the crazy thing is, I still think I'll be President one day

C C

In a very weird bit of synchronicity, I was just thinking about Lyle tea bagging Connie's special bowl this morning. This universe is a beautiful and fragile place, barely held together by those tenuous connections in the human mind.

Spyguitar

"Sorry, hoss. Time for my man-douche" floats across my brain probably once a week

The Good Poster

For twenty bucks, this is actually a pretty good deal. I bet if Lyle gets this off the ground he could hire middlewomen that seek out men who for whatever reason (white collar job, father issues) are both prone getting ripped off at mechanics but are too wrapped up in gender anxiety to directly hand that responsibility off to another man. Our society is increasingly channeling all its energy toward charging rent rather than doing anything productive, but that isn't Lyle's fault. Hate game not player etc

Dan McG

God bless Lyle. Reminds me of the time he went to Scotland to do research got arrested at the “Fucked Nickel” and inadvertently became sober and profoundly trenchant and eloquent.

Taylor

Maybe not this time but he’s definitely done it before.

Achewood

I still think about that as one of my favorite stretches and uses of the blogs. Kind of a Flowers For Algernon thing.

Dan McG

Dude. I don’t know how you’re not more famous, I mean it - one of the most underrated artists of our gen- we’re lucky to have you. I’ll stop blowing you now- jeeeesus christ pal it’s the comments section

Achewood

I like the noir angle this takes. I imagine that the types of males who constantly get double-charged by salivating mechanics are the same men who wear the shoes with the little compartment for each toe.

Achewood

Oh, yes. It could be a coffee table book.

Achewood

Thank you Dan, that is very kind of you to say and I always enjoy hearing the work is landing for that rare special sort of person with the right kind of sense of humor. Why no fame? I've taken long stretches off, my big projects (Netflix, anthology series, etc) fall through, and I'm not an aggressive self-promoter. I figure nobody can figure out a sure way of making money off this, or they would.

Dan McG

Fair. But my God…the other night we were reading some pieces of Pat’s blog out loud to each other - “Mr Ray hurt his arms” - “Pats haircut ‘she did that thing where an idiot laughs’” - and his whole invective against women being better dancers or something because they have boobs so Pat keeps a zip-lock bag of orange juice in his pants to mimic the “boob ballast” - it’s like ….brother we were TEARING up and wheezing at this shit. I’ll continue to proselytize for the church of Onstad.

Achewood

Excellent! I do this to create happiness, so this is a great way to start the day. I'm working with a dev on bringing all the blogs onto achewood.com so they're easier to read in order etc, and part of the searchable dialogue service. Preach!

Achewood

He's here in Portland too. His name's Liam, he still rides a fixie, and he winces if he so much as touches sugar to his lips.

2scrogz

My dad had a "shoes with individual toes" phase, near the end of my college days and the end of his running days. (Knees eventually ruled out running, and he switched to biking.) He showed up in bright neon-yellow running toe-shoes to my college graduation barbecue that I hosted with my housemates. They still talk about it 15+ years later. Love the guy to pieces, but his sense of fashion is nearly non-existent, and that's kinda where I got my sense of fashion from.

Isaac Guysaac

Hey I know this is not really the venue for general complaints but I am too incensed to care so let me just say that the AI upscaling on the old strips majorly sucks and negatively impacts the art far more than the original "sort of low but still legible resolution"

Distant Egg Song

Not especially incensed, but seconding what was already said. Would it be possible to revert to the old .pngs? The AI upscaling process has genuinely harmed the legibility of the old comics.

Achewood

Hey Isaac, thanks for the feedback on this. The old strips were so blurry and shitty that I wanted to get them a little cleaner, so new people who aren't used to how ugly they were can still enjoy them. I had a dev use some tool to clean them up (not sure if it's AI, or if AI is just being used as a pejorative here). I wonder if part of what's upsetting about the change is that the strips also now blow up to like 95% of browser width, rather than staying at a fixed 700px like before, and that makes the artifacts of the upscaling visible. Maybe I'll have them fixed at 700px again. The change just happened a few hours ago, so I'm sorting out the little bit of reaction people are having, since it's a big change to something that has looked essentially the same for 25 years.

Achewood

Plus, you can always email me at chris@achewood.com but this is fine too, maybe other folks will chime in

Achewood

Thanks for the feedback. I'll see what happens if we just scale them to 700px fixed width again. The text in the upscaled images is so vastly better than the old pixelated text (when the new upscaled strips are set to 700px, and not scaling themselves to 95% of the browser width, as is happening today) that this might be the solution.

Isaac Guysaac

It's definitely AI (or, at least, AI in the modern definition of "tool trained on big dataset that guesses how stuff is supposed to look) and I get being frustrated with the 20-year-old-web-standard-resolution but the tool your dev used really wasn't up to snuff. It turned all the e's to o's and the lowercase i's to lowercase l's. I think this is more than "grrr different bad" I think it genuinely negatively impacts legibility more than the originals crunchiness ever did. Here's a bluesky thread where people are posting examples https://bsky.app/profile/askdrproblems.bsky.social/post/3mltfvmvjtk2j

Achewood

Like I said, I think the issue is that the strips are blowing up to like 4x the size we used to see them at in desktop mode. (I assume you're seeing these issues in desktop context, and not on your phone?) If the old pixelated strips had been rendering that big, people would have cried bloody murder, because they would look like if I had drawn achewood in Minecraft. Text was the biggest challenge and after dozens of tools and fine tunings this was the best we could find. I think once the strips are fixed at 700px again the artifacts will be harder to notice. It's a learning process. Do you have any recommendations for upscaling tools that could handle the text issue better? The line art, as near as I can tell, looks better than before.

Isaac Guysaac

If the upscaling was done so the strips would look better at higher resolutions, and your solution to the issues is to bump it back down to a lower resolution, I think the solution is to just not use the upscaling. Even ignoring the fact that a lot of your fans are Generally Not Super Big Fans Of That AI Stuff, it went from a problem that I've never heard people complain about to a problem that a lot of people are suddenly up in arms about. Honestly, if you've still got the old Adobe Illustrator files, I think that it makes 1000x more sense to re-render from the source (I'm sure there's a way to do it in batches so it won't take forever)

Achewood

Check the site out now. The strips have been scaled back down to 700px width like they always were, but the line art is actually smooth now, and the text is more crisp. Curious to hear the consensus now that the strips are back to the same size and the text no longer looks bitmapped. Sure, an "e" or "a" here or there looks imperfect, but I'm not convinced the new upscaled strips look worse than the old low res strips. I do understand that they look *different* and that that is really annoying with something one has been familiar with for so long, and I also am quite touched that people are so defensive and committed to Achewood. I actually undertook this project because people have increasingly mentioned to me over the years that the strip is hard to read and looks bad in modern times. My main goal in all of this is to make the strip as accessible as possible to as many people as possible. Re-saving all 1780 or so strips from Illustrator, fielding all the lost-font-errors, lost-placed-image errors, lost strip nightmares, and the myriad other complications that come up when processing this many old files, is actually a monumental undertaking. I deal with these old files all the time, and we actually began it with the Oni anthology books, so I know of which I speak.

haveacraigday

I just wanted to say I agree with Isaac. The comics being low resolution has never really bothered fans as far as I can tell, and I feel like people discovering it nowadays would be able to adjust fairly quickly. As it stands, the new upscaling feels like a poor solution to a problem that didn't really need solving, and I hope you reconsider.

Achewood

Thanks Craig, I really do appreciate your feedback. This is a complex situation: longtime readers are used to the way they look. New readers will not be aware the strips used to look different, and will also be seeing cleaner line art and text that is slightly better, and also scales for various user devices now. So the balance is hard to strike. I wonder if this is resistance to change with something that's looked the same for so long, a genuine legibility issue, or some blend of both? Or a third thing I haven't identified yet?

haveacraigday

It's not resistance to change so much as the form that change has taken - as Isaac said, the AI upscaling has really hurt the art (which seems to be all AI is good for), as well as just making it harder to read. Now that I think about it, did the strips in the books have to go through any sort of process to make them higher resolution before printing? Perhaps something like that would be a better road to go down?

Kyle McCowin

I'm venturing away from the safety of the Discord into the (sigh) Patreon.com comments just to chime in agreeing that this was a bad move. I'm looking at a strip after the 700px fix and lowercase Es look like Os. It's more noticeable when the image is viewed at full size sure, but it still looks bad even at the default desktop width. And on top of that the strips are now .webp files, a format that's notoriously disliked.

Achewood

Thanks Craig. We've reverted to what the balance of people seem to have preferred for now: the older strip files. The strips in the books were taken from the original infinite-resolution files, but resaving all 1780 of them as new web files would be an extraordinarily hard task, and as we've seen today, people still might not like the change.

Achewood

Thanks Kyle. We've reverted to the original strips until we can find a better solution. I appreciate the detailed feedback. The road to hell, good intentions...etc

Distant Egg Song

If you don't mind me asking, what file format are the original infinite-resolution files saved as/what program was used to make them?

Achewood

The strips were all built in adobe illustrator, so they’re .ai/.eps files (same thing afaik, vector files with live fonts)

haveacraigday

Thank you so much for this, and for listening to our concerns!

Achewood

Thank you for being respectful and civil about it. A lot of the communication I received about the topic reminded me of what is worst about anonymous web comms: people insulted my intelligence, used rude language, and exhibited a greater entitlement to my work than even I have. A nostalgic slap in the face!

Achewood

I would like to ask what triggered this. Did you see a bowl? A miscreant alcoholic man-rodent tiger?

C C

It wasn't as direct (or interesting) as that. In the morning, I was looking out the front door and watched a women walking her dog down the street, the dog abruptly stopped in front of my house and peed right in the street instead of the ditch or the bushes or any of the other more official places dogs choose to pee. Those two went on their way. Later I looked outside and there was a different women, she was walking a large dog who was bent down awkwardly smelling the peed on area intently. This brought to mind one of my favorite quotes from Cornelius "For God's sake man, hoist your head. That's no way to pass a sunny afternoon." When I think about Connie, for some reason I always think about two things, Ray stepping on Connie's childhood drum and of course the classic Lyle tea bagging Connie's favorite bowl. The Lyle artwork in the header reminded me of Lyle's tea bagging pose. I'm aware it took me infinitely longer to try to explain this than it did to think it.

Achewood

Thank you for the detailed analysis of the trigger and events. Sometimes I wonder if our bodies are earth bodies, doing what they do, but it's actually our brains that are the alien life forms, trying to help the bodies. How does this kind of stuff even evolve from a warm puddle of RNA and granite dust

Misty De Méo

Just wanted to chime in to say thanks for reverting this. I really found the upscaled text hard to read and I think going back to the old versions was the right call even if the art's low res for modern screens.