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25 Random Things About Me (R. Beef Kazenzakis, PDF) (Patreon)

Published:
2026-05-20 17:00:06
Imported:
2026-09
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Content

From the Achewood Assetbar Service, Feb 1, 2009. Last available 2011. 

This lengthy piece is kindly presented as an attachment. Thank you to our sponsor, Adobe PDF & Sons.

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Comments

Josh Egbert

I got your back Beef, even when no one else does.

Anthony Thompson

Kind of sad in a sad way that all the SF SRO’s are gone now, another low-wattage ambition impossiblized by the tech bros to no one’s benefit.

Nicholas Williams

Two Observations: 1. If I sleep in my clothes, I will feel like a greasy piece of shit until I have removed them and scrubbed off the top layer of epidermis. 2. Man, just a six-foot woman in volleyball shorts...god damn, there is nothing more wonderful.

Bungus Bronbo

I don't wanna be all OG clickbait subheader, but man, number 14 got me.

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

I vibe with his version of anxiety a little too hard. But #23 is the worst. One experience a child should never ever in a million years have.

Amelia Hall

Now I want to make German chocolate cake! And I'm sort of shocked the current zeitgeist hasn't generated "Deathmeal" as a concept restaurant.

Achewood

Hop in the Galaxie, it’s Kraftwerk Day

Achewood

Is that true, all the lowest joints are now just rooms where dudes vibe Python?

Achewood

Connie had a big thing for a volleyball player too, in his blog.

Achewood

Making a note to visit Ohio, despite previous plans (sorry if you live in Ohio)

Anthony Thompson

Ha, no, that’s Dante-cutting-room-floor shit. Rather the sitch is “founders” complaining about the homeless on their Tenderloin doorsteps (where _did_ they all come from?) and tweeting about “coming together as thought leaders to disrupt homelessness.” So sorry I brought this up, now I feel like _I_ can’t float in a pool…

Rob Dalton

lordy, lordy, and again lordy: do i get caught up in the nonsense too deep, too often.

Achewood

If only Beef were the kind of guy you could hang out with and bond over this

Ryan Boyle

Beef writes more clearly than he talks. That tracks. Did he delete this whole draft before sending it?

Bruce Wright

Once again I’m reminded that I aspire toward Cornelius, but have much more in common with Beef. He’s right about sushi, btw

Asherdan

This is all Beef, in amber.

Achewood

I found it while defragging a laptop he buried in the yard

Achewood

High five my not sushi brother

Achewood

Coincidentally, he has nightmares about being preserved this way

Nicholas Williams

Ah yes, Ekaterina. Didn’t she end up horrifying him by eating a whole salmon with her hands?

Chris Warren

I love Roast Beef so much. Shame about the creeks, though. I like creeks a lot.

Achewood

once the second course, a beautiful side of salmon in aspic, was presented. No sooner had the team of waiters set the intricately decorated platter down in the center of the table than she dragged her enormous hand across it, taking up a fistful of the flaky pink flesh and wiping it onto a large slice of bread. The others made no notice of this as they picked up their fish knives and gathered somewhat more elegant portions. Ekaterina wolfed at the thing like a particularly peckish prisoner of war. I felt an uncomfortable knot grow in my throat as they finished off the fish and prepared for the meat course. An exquisite suckling pig, roasted crisp brown, rested in the center of a silver salver, surrounded by fluffy scrambled eggs, fried potatoes, and the classic parsley-tipped lozenge croutons. Unable to look away, I again watched in rapt consternation as the two waiters set the little beast in the center of the table. Ekaterina did not let me down. She rolled up her sleeves as the waiters made off, and then her long arms shot out towards the thing. After a few seconds of throttling and wrenching, she had torn the little fellow's entire head off and set about devouring its face with an abandon normally reserved for animals in Stephen King novels.

Achewood

To this day, dude will go to a creek by himself. It’s important therapy for that dude to be at a creek.

Eric

#17. One of the best things about moving to Tokyo was not being able to understand what the other people on the train/bus/whatever were talking about. The thing about the piano pisses me off though.

Achewood

Beef never had any musical training. I bet that if he was introduced to the physics of music though, he’d stop complaining about half-steps and probably start wearing t-shirts about them

Gregory Sheets

I too am in the heavy-Beef-identification part of the pie chart. He is objectively correct about Guinness and black high-top Chucks.

J. Alex

119 WPM is some serious business, but it is far beyond Beef's ability to recognize himself as talented.

2scrogz

Something Beef has uncomfortably in common with a certain Nice Pete... different kinda therapies though.

2scrogz

The socks thing is kinda grungy in a not good way. Change your socks at least 1x per day, Beef, jeez! Maybe cats have it easier than humans due to the toe-tufts, but dang, 3-day-worn socks would be DISGUSTING if I ever let it get that far.

Achewood

Do not to go Texture Creek with this man.

Achewood

Low tops: just commit. What are you, in the Beach Boys or something, why would you get low tops, are you a dancer or something

Achewood

I just looked to see if the internet had a website that tells you how many WPM you are typing. At one site you can pay to enter the number of words you typed and how long it took and it will calculate the WPM. It felt like 1998 again.

Achewood

They would feel like sliding the desiccated hide of an attic rat onto your feet

Glenn Ramsy

If you're not busy, you should rewrite Nine Princes In Amber with the achewood cast. It makes complete sense to do this.

Achewood

Whenever I look up references like this, I think, "Jesus CHRIST there have been a lot of books, why on earth would I contribute another one" and then I am sad

Glenn Ramsy

Ever go to a really large library and pick up a random, decades old novel and see that it's never been checked out by anyone ever, it just sits there and contributes weight to the shelf. Bet that poor bastard writer wishes Patreon existed back then, huh.

Achewood

Okay, okay, I'll stop complaining. I actually just started compiling all the Ray's Place advice columns into a book: it's 105,736 words, all of which are crucial reading to anyone hoping to make sense of this life.