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This strip was inspired by a conversation I recently had with my father, wherein we tried to see who was more disappointed in America. I live in Portland, and he lives in California, so the one-upsmanship was intense. "Heard your water prices are doubling thanks to that stupid new three billion dollar water treatment plant nobody needed!" "Well, dad, how can you type so clearly while speeding away from all those mismanaged forest fires?" Et cetera, et cetera, sigh, et cetera. As per usual, we just ended up blathering about how my sister spends too much time fussing over her lifestyle chickens, then said we'd send each other a package from Nueske's and hung up.

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Comments

Abby

The bromance we deserve! 💗💗

Jenn

I'm reminded of the SNL Black Jeopardy sketch wherein redneck Tom Hanks finds himself agreeing on everything with his fellow Black contestants. Until it comes to the final Black Jeopardy question of "Whose lives matter?"

Dickie

The liquor bottle's front-and-centeredness did not go unnoticed. A suitable lubricant for proposed merger?

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

1. The eyebrows. 2. AW my Emma Goldman colored little heart is bursting. 3. Neuske's - they have the meats (fuck Arby's)

Achewood

If we "hate" someone, we're often just looking in the mirror, etc etc

Achewood

haha need to look that one up

Achewood

Wow, this was supposed to be a one off but maybe we need to see pat drinking whiskey to try and bond with Lyle

Josh Egbert

Just dudes bein dudes who hate society & everyone who participates in it.

Daniel M Ford

I don't think the world is ready for product of this union.

Achewood

(also commented this above) Wow, this was supposed to be a one off but maybe we need to see pat drinking whiskey to try and bond with Lyle

Achewood

If nueske's ran a fast food concern I would go there

b.zap

Strange bedfellows, indeed.

Lonesome Cowpoke

I thought panel 10 was going to be the point at which they got mutually uncomfortable with the overlap in their personalities and world-views and decided to pull the ripcord on this interaction; it seems the Author had a more interesting future in mind

Achewood

There's room for everybody in this line

Jenn

Surprisingly good for SNL

Achewood

It may just result in Pat throwing up some really cheap whiskey...I think the readership would enjoy this.

Josh Egbert

Ill subscribe to their newsletter

Achewood

I know a guy who smells like Lyle. I can't imagine any romantic instincts getting past his Radius of Germ Theory Alarm

Achewood

They have their moments. Their current Marcello Hernández dude is insane.

Achewood

(as opposed to their past Marcello Hernández dude...my writing needs work)

Mike Duquette

Next week: Pat's holistic self-brewed cheerwine, when vomited, makes a football move seven centimeters

Achewood

They just shout, they can't get it together to agree on a font

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

Everyone would hear the sound of your arteries clanging shut like prison gates. And they could sell statins the way that gas stations sell boner pills. That said, me too probably.

Achewood

This was supposed to be a one-off but now I feel the stirrings of a two-parter at least

Jenn

He is the only reason to watch. The writing staff however. They should be made to sit with Lyle during his vinegar sink baths while Pat makes them eat Cheat Loaf.

Achewood

I can't imagine how much staff stomach lining has been eaten through during the last 50 years

Achewood

eh, I'm part descended from billy goats, we can eat pure leaf lard and still blood-test like sky-clad Jains

Dickie

...but would Rod allow whiskey in the dwelling, pudding?

Achewood

Due to pending litigation, Pat has grudgingly renamed his cheerwine analog Pat's Glug-luggy-a-Frolicking Mead

Achewood

Uh oh, I hate to tell you this but like a bad programmer they have had some…terminal issues Check tier 2 for pat’s story of Kyth the masseuse. There’s also a tier 1 strip about it…last year maybe

EndgamerAzari

I've had that moment of "aw, dammit, I thought I hated this guy" and that guy is now one of my best friends.

Tom P

pat is visited by the ghosts of cranks past, present, and future while experiencing a Kyle drinking session

blair

Awwwww

Tom P

he will be praised for his willingness to question the foundations of life, yet scolded for his immature eagerness to form exclusive world arcing theories borne primarily from sass-gut. he will attack and kill the ghost of cranks future and present. cranks past will be like "aye, aye... tis usual"

Bungus Bronbo

Whatever happens after this, and oh yes I do believe things will happen after this, nothing will change that for a moment, these two assholes (one unaccepting of this status, the other a proud self-proclaimer) found a kindred spirit. In manifestos.

Dickie

OMG how did I miss this? Lol

Achewood

It’s the “looking in the mirror” phenomenon

Achewood

That’s best case scenario. I’m picturing a lot of barfed-out tomato chunks

Lisa Carrico

This is *exactly* what I've been saying

Achewood

Considering a new character (Greek) named Manifestos. Last syllable pronounced “-us”

Oppido

This pairing does seem fated to crash and burn, but the bro-mantic in me would love to see these two crazy kids work it out.

Oppido

United by a mutual contempt for Teodor, if nothing else.

Jay Y

There's a certain overlap of crankery between the guy who has definitely worked through the DTs while on a food service shift and the guy who has lived through the 80s yet still thinks carob is an adequate substitute for chocolate (or at least stands on its being more ethical).

Zen Window

If having contempt for T was all it took to unite people, we'd be living hand in hand like a goddamned Coke commercial.

Nate

What a weirdly... Uhhh touching? Moment

Zen Window

I am here for both Pat's and Lyle's diverse perspectives on how to rip a fellow person to shreds with words alone.

Jay Y

Lots of cooks in the larger Achewood universe and then Roast Beef who knows all about government cheese.

Achewood

ah, the contempt of T angle is rich

Achewood

Man, running the egg station during the DTs is some next level hell theory

Achewood

Tune in next friday, only on...THE INTERNET! [Johnny Carson exit music plays]

Bruce Wright

Wait, are lifestyle chickens for eating or emotional support? Or both?

Condorito

For real, my brother and I are opposites in almost all ways. We both agree that we should work towards a world where one may fuck off and be a carpenter in the woods without the ire of government or society

Achewood

Oh my god what if they get featured on the Sprouts Market Kiss Cam?!?

Achewood

They're for knowing you have them, and for other people knowing how homesteadery you are

Achewood

Which one of you gives the other one the Ron Swanson Funko model?

Zen Window

Swappin' drinks, Pat leaving a Yelp review on the character of his reverse peristalsis due to the proof of Lyle's rotgut, Lyle counting chunks in the houseplant soil he just pH powerbombed due to the taste and texture of Pat's toenail fungus sourdough starter kombucha.

Zen Window

All roads lead to Johnnie Walker Blue Label Rome Edition.

Condorito

May we all be so lucky

Grant Harding

Wholesome! Have we ever seen these two interact before?

Bruce Wright

I have seen chicken coop cleaning, and I gotta say this seems like a thin reward for wading into indescribable filth.

Johnny Deans

…just so long as it isn’t not Comic Sans? I take Pat for a Helvetica Medium kind of guy. It’s legible, dry, and a bit authoritative. Who can say with Lyle? His calligraphy skills make him a wild card for me, but I’d bet he is particular about such matters.

Achewood

I've got a team trying to get all truth down to one pixel. The God Pixel

Achewood

Now that he's not burning through his savings buying kimonos for Rod, he could probably afford this.

Achewood

Not positively, I don't think. There are like 1900 achewood strips now so I must raise my hands in defeat and just say "I can't remember"

severecorvid

The manifesto merger will lead to a big argument over the use of patronizing "pal" and "chief"s vs the baggage of writing em dashes as a human being in 2026

Professor Hazard

This feels like the gayest that Pat has ever been portrayed, largely because he has never connected with another character because he sucks

Professor Hazard

Picture of Lyle vomiting at a football with the text MORE TO COME

Daniel M Ford

I think we can all enjoy Pat having a bad time, for sure.

Achewood

I have been concerned lately that the em dash, which has always featured prominently in my writing, is going to cause problems going forward.

Achewood

Pat is an id with a credit card. They're out there, man. Next time you get honked at as a pedestrian, see if it doesn't have little circular glasses and cat ears

Matt Mitchell

When I saw the two of them in the first panel sans dialogue, I thought “these two are going to agree on something”

Achewood

That's some higher-order instincts. Well done!

Kriegsaffe No. 9

The first step in MLM romance these days is comparing manifestos. I'm of the generation where the first step is running a horror adventure about how permanence is just mortality in slow motion in a cartoon comedy roleplaying game because I've never met a tonal mismatch I didn't want to make even more aggressive.

Kriegsaffe No. 9

I never really understood enemies-to-lovers until now. I can't wait for a romance novelist to do a names-changed version of this except Pat is a tiny and extremely delicate woman and Lyle has powerful shadow magick.

Oppido

Unite a REALM of global communities, Teodor.

Achewood

I don't think I know what an MLM is, here. I thought they were just ponzi schemes?

A. Hamster

The government cheese was also free to military families! Growing up, I had a buddy with a Navy dad who lived on base at Miramar, and we had many a fine night with the NES and grilled government cheese sandwiches

A. Hamster

An asshole and a Hole Man. This tracks

RBM

Oh hell yes, I hope this is a thing

Song Club with John Krane

I am a sucker for the "throw two characters together who normally aren't together" narrative device.

Kriegsaffe No. 9

Man Loving Man, rather than the other kind of MLM~

2scrogz

Calling it now: their manifesto splintering points will be veganism and alcohol. Pat will see veganism and sobriety as necessary prerequisites for popular liberation; Lyle will see Pat's position as a direct attack on his preferred diet (which I have inferred to be street-tacos) and a betrayal of his beloved brown liquors.

John Robinson

Too cruel to say they might help with scrambling?

Achewood

Lyle can wither a man at ten paces just with whatever's wafting out of either hemisphere of his jeans

Achewood

It breaks my heart to say this but I think comic sans is the font that every committee ends up choosing. In the effort to offend no one, we offend everyone, etc

Achewood

I love the idea of Pat leaving a bad Yelp review of his own vomiting. Please legally give me this idea, it is all I ask

Achewood

Every cam is a kiss cam if you got some kissin' to do

Achewood

Man we have come a long way from ass-eating Téodor. Pretty soon he's going to teach the world to sing, get the whole NFL on the same team, etc.

Achewood

Even scrambling is a tall order in that sitch. I could see the eggs getting served with the dropped spatula still in them

Achewood

Government cheese was a fine melting cheese on Wonder (or your local downmarket equivalent), browned in margarine

Achewood

My bad. I thought it was called D&D, dude & dude. Credits for "permanence is just mortality in slow motion," is that yours

severecorvid

Just add it to the bag of technology induced self conscious neuroses!

Ben Westcott

This is why I've read Achewood for 18 years

Josh Burton

What is friendship if not a merging of manifestos

Walter Biggins

OMFG. If Pat & Lyle end up as a “power” couple, I will lose my mind

Achewood

It will fit so nicely in between my fear of not supplementing with lead-free protein and my fear of wifi giving me liver spots

Achewood

Thanks Ben! That's the kind of thing that keeps me (joyfully) chained to the old digital pickaxe.

Achewood

That is today's best philosophical take. Nice one.

Achewood

If you have ever been on an extended, hard camping trip in warm climates, and unable to bathe the Nethers, and probably eaten too much meat and peanuts, and maybe sat on a small pile of red onion slices...I don't know if Lyle's standard of hygiene is such that Pat could ever romantically penetrate it.

Kriegsaffe No. 9

It is! D&D is also great as a term, love it!

Achewood

MLM seeks D&D for Honourable Engorgement, Supper Clubbing

Ben Westcott

You're doing God's work, Chris.

Achewood

This must be why the ghost of Nietzsche is standing in the corner of my office with a garrote. It's eerie — he never moves, but he does a lot of nervous blinking

FactWino

All sword fighting. I assume that’s the first thing men do together.

Douglas Wykstra

I initially read this as "honked at by a pedestrian" and the idea of Pat inventing a "walking horn" to address the imbalance of perceived authority between walkers and drivers does make sense.

Professor Hazard

To equal the honking power of a car it will have to be torso-mounted

Achewood

If people keep coming up with all these great ideas then I can’t write the strips with them

Henri

Back in the day my concern was to portray more of a Ray and less of a Beef, but I've become a Lyle in the interim.

Douglas Wykstra

One of two latter-day SNL sketches that have become classics in which, to my great chagrin, the contestant who is the focal point of the sketch is named "Doug."

Jenn

This is cracking me up! So sorry Doug!

Douglas Wykstra

Eh, I grew up with the Nickelodeon cartoon; everything is small potatoes after your family has moved cities three times and every first year at a new elementary school is filled with questions about your affections re: Patty Mayonnaise.

Douglas Wykstra

Pretty sure the terms of service give you IP rights over everything mentioned in the comments, and if that's not the case then I will stop working so hard.

Jenn

🤣

lake

Never thought I’d board the Pat/Lyle ship, but this is delightful

cody

Lyle’s earnest face in panel 8 is perfect.

cody

A whole strip of Lyle trying to come to terms with wanting to shower before he sees Pat, no dialogue.

Achewood

Doc Andretti and Arthur organically just wound up in the same place, man

Achewood

This doesn’t seem to leave space for Pat and Lyle Solve America

Achewood

Kind of beautiful when you put it like that. The whole thing makes inescapable sense

Achewood

I hope next Friday’s strip doesn’t ruin hope for you.

Achewood

Dude has a code. You could do worse. You could be Todd. Only code Todd has is codeine

Achewood

Thank you! I promise you it won’t last

Achewood

It’s been a long-ass time since Lyle felt any hope in the form of another person. He thought that wick had flickered its last.