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"But Chris, what ever became of Pat and Lyle's Lickety-Chickpeaness Hummus Push-Pops?" Hey pal, your guess is as good as mine. You wanna know? Sound off in the comments. I can aim the camera that way in a week or two if that's what you're into, although Todd has been jiving me for more screen time as well, and the dude is SPUN on that hot night-taffy. I just wanted to do something one Fahrenheit higher-brow this week, and I think I nailed it within a Planckogree.

Many of the questions which will arise regarding the final panel (and panel nine, if you need it) are answered in the B-roll strip that goes live in tier 2 at noon Pacific.

B-Roll Strip

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Files

Comments

Jay Y

I wonder if the whole devil myth is related to the whole legend that says we lost / abandoned the original word for "bear" because to speak it was to summon the creature and so what we use now effectively means "the brown one." Anyway, now I'm reading the final panel and thinking about that scene in Stripes. Man of many interests.

Josh Egbert

Never in a million years would I have expected to see Emeril there

Bruce Wright

And Tony Hinchcliffe is under the mud, burrowing around

Achewood

Think how lame it was to be humans all after millions of years and you have cloaks and a brass thing but still when a bear wanders over you're like FUCK and it's just all over

Achewood

Quick what's the worst thing about the Tony Hinchcliffe show

Achewood

I think he's on the Theo mailing list

Bruce Wright

The dull certainty that he still draws breath

Daniel Burt

Hat's off for an exquisite rendering of an underwhelming man.

Achewood

It's a Louisiana thing. Explained in the noon strip.

Achewood

I always found him a bit grating. And by a bit, I mean I look down after he speaks and my legs are bleeding

Josh Egbert

Thought Corey Feldman was coming back into our lives

Achewood

Thank you! Yeah, Theo reminds me of those kinds of peripheral townie guys you knew a little bit in high school but never ran into again after high school.

Rob Dalton

fucking hell i have no idea why but I nearly snorted coffee when i read "pat benatar." also, i think todd made off with the last of my drain cleaner.

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

I didn't even have to open the image to know who panel 8 is even though the face is the size of a spironolactone pill. I hate that fucking guy. Although apparently he can create a rip-roaring party of dudes and hussies.

Achewood

Good, I'm glad it worked. It was the first idea in my head when I combined "small child" and "sees cloaked scary figure" even though my brain was probably trying to say "Joan Jett plus Elvira"

Achewood

I just realized he is a maga-coded figure, so I hope people do not think achewood is all maga now. Is that why you hate him? I mainly see him as a type of guy you never see again after high school, so he seemed like a good stand-in for "dopey fun"

Jay Y

Speaking of cloaks and brass things, there's also that theory that "Beowulf" translates to "bee-wolf" or yet another kenning for "bear." So here you are, featherless biped, tool using predator, getting fucked up on the regular by a big sleepy guy with a sweet tooth. Modern horror movies could never get away with it.

Aaron J. Rushton, Writer of Words

Theo Von? The Theo Von? Theodor Capitani von Kurnatowski III yes that's his real name Theo Von? In my Achewood? As a summoned avatar of all that's evil?

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

Nah, I think you're good. I think you'd have to be kicked in the head by a zebra to become all maga alla time.

Daniel Burt

To be fair to him, as a Brit I haven't really heard his name much. However, a Google search seemed to pair him with Joe Rogan so I've drawn my own conclusions.

Achewood

My idea is that the "evil" thing doesn't really carry through, it kind of fails, because this dorky high school comedian guy shows up and they go to a dive bar with nudity, in the absurd fashion of Achewood.

Achewood

yeah, he's in the "manosphere" orbit of Jubilantly Super Average archetypal dudes. He has some interesting and unique thought processes when structuring replies, and can on occasion be the Roger Federer of a bizarre save, but on the whole his show is pretty missable.

Achewood

I wonder if an Ancient German ever actually got killed by such as a quail

Achewood

I'm barely even maga ever. My computer still tries to change it to "mega." I mean, might be a little bit maga when I microwave my coffee too long and ruin it and I'm like "THANKS OBAMA" but that's it.

Andrew

This is what actually happened in French with the medieval word for fox (“goupil”). Superstition held that speaking the word would summon one to kill chickens, so they used the name of the mythic fox trickster Reynard (“renart”) as a euphemism, to the point that “renard” eventually became the word in French for a fox.

Achewood

I think what we're getting at here is that oldey-timey people were hella dumbasses

Achewood

You never know with that Theo Von guy. He says he's masturbation-sober but it might have been like an intense relapse with peeping tom stuff and a few fat rails of coke.

Achewood

Also, I gave you Brits a number of strips with Al Murray, which no doubt left Americans entirely confused

Linus Lee

I was in a group chat where someone brought up Theo Von and someone off the internet asked who it was and I typeSCREAMED "YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW!"

Achewood

I'm interested in this take. I've seen him drop some remarkably absurd and unique one-liners, but I also see he's been a chudkin who at one point passed through the manosphere's obligatory maga thing. What's your more specific evaluation of him?

Asherdan

IDK why but "Pat Benatar" hit hard as the dickens.

Daniel Burt

Ah, Achewood... Perfectly balanced as all things should be. I used to really enjoy his history podcast but my niggling inability to retain dates, names and events ultimately made it a futile experience.

Achewood

I think it's a shibboleth for and litmus of the OG heads, this kind of absurd reference that hits certain sensibilities "just so"

Jenn

Same 🤣

Achewood

oh wow, I didn't know about that podcast! Looking it up now

Linus Lee

If not for people being online too much, we would not know who this dude is. Then again, he's within the Real World / Road Rules verse, so maybe he'd be Secretary of Transportation. I admit some "Also went to LSU so I know the TYPE and you'd be bummed if one of him showed up at a party and a girl you like talked to him" bias.

Bryan Raynor

“Men’s comedian” got me. That’s a perfect description of that chode.

Asherdan

Well now that mash-up is something I didn't know I wanted until I heard it out loud.

Asherdan

No man, he's just one of the many people who drift across the media streams with the 'mainly dunce' label.

jordan b.

for some reason, I thought it was Patrick Swayze at first.

Achewood

Joan Jett and Elvira have a combined age of 141. For ease of math let's say they both started their careers around 20. That means Joan and Elvira have given humanity about 100 years of pure juice.

Achewood

Oh my heavens Theo Von in the cabinet...he is definitely a blurry case where that could be either Idiocracy or real life. What is the term for a situation that straddles reality and fiction

Jay Y

Stupidity is more or less a constant. Modern folks sent a dude to the funny farm for proposing that men washing their hands before delivering babies would improve mortality rates, as opposed to spending all day fingering a lump of excised flesh in their pockets, which is what they had been doing.

Oppido

It's very Teodor to immediately assume that no one in, like, thousands of years has ever tried to disprove this superstition before.

Achewood

'mainly dunce' tracks. Kind of an everyman...but not a Seinfeld everyman. "The dude's an everychud." Still working on it.

Achewood

Not only is the definition of chode/choad hard to pin down, but so is the spelling. What a country!

blair

I thought it was gonna be Robert Smith.

Achewood

hearse broke down on Grosvenor but nobody would answer the door so I glided over here

Achewood

So that was the original pocket pool. No wonder my folks looked down on it so sternly. They just wanted me to survive!

Achewood

God has not damned a single one of my broken yard tools or toe-hungry doorjambs

Zen Window

Theo Von showing up when the devil is summoned is disappointing (entertainingly so--I'm talking in-universe disappointing, not WAY TO PHONE IT IN, ONSTAD) in the same way that Trump is disappointing as President. Just...sigh. That's really the best the universe can do? But I'd absolutely go out with him and the boys for that final panel, so let's not allow me to act too high class about the whole thing. I'd probably keep getting distracted in both directions--eschatology getting in the way of my view of rude titties and vice versa.

Jonathan

Thank you for the exposition on who that is because I wouldn't know otherwise

Linus Lee

Kayfabe? but with muddy tiddies.

rickward

I gotta admit I’d take the tickets and go too, but I like to think I wouldn’t be in the front row or even actively watching more than 25% of the time. So yes, I’m a still an admitted dirtbag, but not a Showbiz- or Todd- or Great Outdoor Fight-grade dirtbag… today.

NotAnon

The official Achewood female presenting nipple.

Achewood

Everyone was having a good time in the last panel. It is some kind of comment on the possibilities of life. And at noon we'll meet the wrasslers!

Achewood

I've cameo'd a whole lotta nobodies and made jokes hinge on them, it's kind of my signature "stay obscure" move

Achewood

In all such things, I always tell myself, "I'm interested in more of an anthropological / people-watching human experience sort of way"

Achewood

Every twenty years, like it or not.

Bruce Wright

Oh man, if you haven't seen the Corey Feldman movie you have missed a treat. He has taken self delusion into new realms (of ass)

Douglas Wykstra

Love that Teodor doesn't even consider that the saying probably had a metaphorical use even at the time it was invented. Just right to, "this common expression doesn't have a firm grounding in the scientific method!? How much less intelligent than me, a man who definitely knows how science works and thinks rationally all the time."

NotAnon

"Like it or not" is a complicated and complex topic that I'm not willing to breach at this moment

Noah Malmstadt

Have we seen the cat with the mustache in the last panel before? I swear I recognize him. I thought he might be one of the Hot Tub Brawls gentlemen but maybe he's original to this strip?

Thunk

Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste

GruntyGinMan

T must have been muttering "Entropy9" beneath the summoning

Bill

The boys learned something, Phillipe faced a fear, and there was big titty mud wrestling at the end. Sometimes it's nice to see the guys just have a great day.

2scrogz

Isn't Theo Von that dude who sniffs the seats of chairs his guests have sat in after they depart his "podcast," in the hopes of judging their butt-pheromones or some such nonsense? I'm not trying to kink-shame here, but we really need to stop making these mediocre stupid people famous. It is causing problems in Society. *gestures broadly at everything*

kdusjjdhxksj

His episode of Celebrity Wife Swap remains the greatest thing ever televised

Achewood

ok I did a tiny amount of research re: Corey Feldman movie. Are you talking about Corey Feldman vs. the World, or Sour Party?

Achewood

That's what this was all supposed to be about, indeed.

Achewood

And then he scuttled back to his mattress on the flood with the lotion bottle and j/o starter blocks

Zen Window

Theo Von, while undoubtedly wealthy, is about as far from taste as a human can get short of having one's tongue removed.

Achewood

He's not Mike or Jason from Hot Tub Brawls — those guys have distinct "Skeletor henchman from Ireland" and "dog penis medicine / excavator driver guy" facial builds. I drew this particular mudlark from scratch, by modifying Beef's skull and muzzle and then thinking about the handyman we keep inexplicably hiring. But if you find a tertiary character who looks like this guy, I'd enjoy seeing the comparison.

Achewood

Pretty good idea for the soundtrack here, yes

Achewood

Too bad they changed it and his membership had lapsed due to insufficient funds

Achewood

That seems more like a Jim Norton thing, but I will admit I have only watched a few bits and pieces of Theo's podcast.

Professor Hazard

Theo Von has shown up to take the boys out to just a dickens of a good time. Even ol' Corny has his eyebrows up.

Michael G.

It's good you hung a Louie on th Lyle and Pat story when you did. It's pretty amazing you wrote it without cribbing "Shut Up, Little Man!" tapes. You're a better man than me, Onstad.

Paul

Excellent!!

Achewood

Nobody doomscrolled for an hour, but one of them got doomrolled

Achewood

Oh wow, I heard those tapes when they were fairly new. I actually use personae like that in my head when visualizing SF south of market SOH's and who lives there in pure directionless desperation. I mean, that might not actually exist there any more. It might be all just a big Waymo complex.

Achewood

The men just wanted a good time!

A. Hamster

It’s been about 40 hours since I read this comic and “Promises in the Dark” is still playing in my head. A) did anyone else experience this and B) it’s not really unpleasant, it’s a rule that a headsong can only be replaced by a worse headsong, probably All Star

FactWino

The boys just happened to run into Emeril there.

Jasen Johns

Does the femme goth-rocker-starlet spectrum run in shades of black from Joan Jett to Elvira? Who else places along this dark scale? How dark must someone be to safely drive the Volvo of Despair? And with which band stickers would they spruce up that melancholic whip?

Rob Dalton

Herbie Mann spruces up any melancholy—believe it

Oppido

Very seldom has my realization of a forgotten wallet been accompanied by actual lovemaking.