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Okay, so folks really enjoyed that Beef was breaking out of his shell a bit last week, but what about Todd? Sure, that's the worst sort of what-aboutism, but this time it's the good kind, because this week we see the little scamp get himself into a new kind of scrape! Man, what guys won't do for a roll in the hay. (Hint: guys will do absolutely anything for a roll in the hay, including destroy their one go at the miracle of happiness in an unlikely universe.) Will we ever see "Char—" again? Currently unsure.

Witness the many, many outtakes, a new character design, and the radically different first draft of this comic, in the B-roll strip that goes live in tier 2 at noon Pacific.

B-Roll Strip

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Files

Comments

Achewood

Todd's the dumb kind of crazy. She's the high-functioning kind. Chocolate and peanut butter? Beth Dutton and (bong) Rip Wheeler?

Bob the Fish Productions

Is Tinder still a thing? Are there still people on it who aren't robots or monsters?

Achewood

I swung through it in an anthropological capacity last time I was single, maybe six years ago. I found it a charming blend of call girls with fake pictures, "stewardesses" who were staying "near the airport," and a cowboy hat naked guy with a hard-on that had been obscured with the brush tool set to cyan.

Condorito

Its good to see dumpster fires with differing accelerants meet and fill emergency responders with terror

Achewood

That old romantic! I wonder if they'll name their first boy Hamilton Beach.

Achewood

Hooray, man. Good for a guy.

Achewood

The ER folks are getting bored of taking such pedestrian items as light bulbs and tire irons out of you-know-where

Tom

Maybe not my favorite part of being married, but definitely in the top 5: knowing I will never ever ever have to use that god forsaken app again

Achewood

I once went on a first date with a Tinder woman who informed me she was having her uterus removed two days later. Godspeed her wellness, but what an unusual choice of timing.

Brian Sutton

Godspeed Todd and...Charlize? Or possible Charlamagne. Who can say.

Jenn

This is pretty much my take on all men

Matt Mitchell

I hope we see Char again. iirc, we never found out exactly what went wrong w Penny or Polly, though I guess it is probably somewhat obvious if one filled in the blanks.

Achewood

Charbroiled Manpart, perhaps

Tommy Wingo

Uh oh, how soon until Char discovers super meth?

Achewood

You'll never be disappointed if you just start that way.

Achewood

I watch a Netflix reality French real estate show called The Parisian Agency. One of the main guys went through a divorce completely off camera and without discussion, and was just single again in one episode. I appreciated the implication that in that culture, truly salacious personal things were considered the opposite of appropriate for TV. I guess what I am saying is, Connie got his privacy, and Téodor, well, probably just fucked it up and she got bored of him also.

Achewood

I would not be surprised if she actually moved a fair bit of it out of her basement lab.

Josh Egbert

We all have our time with a version of Char. Not every everyone makes out out to the other side.

Jay Y

Char-- probably doesn't know how many times Todd has already died. Todd might not even know. I also misread the final panel the first time as "alternative family Christmases," which is also good.

Achewood

Some exes make us better cartoonists.

Achewood

I don't think Todd actually knew what he was saying, there. Or who Mother Teresa was.

Kriegsaffe No. 9

Todd, you got a keeper. Not that she will let you, but never let go.

Achewood

a cut so deep I had to look it up, and even then needed a minute

Zen Window

Once upon a very, very, very long time ago, I cliff dived into trying a similar pet name as panel one without first checking how far it was to the water (sugar instead of thunder, for those curious). Todd apparently has flying squirrel in his ancestry for as much as he cares about how that sort of play is received. In my case, it resulted in a startlingly symmetrical "I swear, you think you know a person" from both parties but no geometrical burns on my gentlemanly parts. Char seems nice.

Josh Egbert

Polly got Connie to write her resume and got on with a high-end airline as a first-class flight attendant. She and Connie still meet up when shes around town. T made Penny a mixtape that made her uncomfortable and told him so at a public event T took her to in order to make a grand gesture of asking her to get a place with him. The event staff were also made uncomfortable and asked him to leave.

Nicholas Williams

Todd can handle this. If anyone can handle this, it’s Todd.

Achewood

there's a timeline where that actually is what they agreed on, and he simply misspoke, and for Christmas Todd gets a continuous beaded string passed all the way from his entrance to his exit.

Nicholas Williams

Are you still naked if you’re wearing a cowboy hat? Or are you…even more naked.

Achewood

What do you even call this attachment style? Psycho-helical?

Achewood

That was a very poetic read

Zen Window

I raise an invisible glass to mine, who taught me two things: first, that two people really should have more in common than wearing a tie dye shirt on the same day to start a relationship, and second, that there are people in this world who can extract so much from you that they will still need more, and you will have none left for yourself.

Zen Window

Mother Teresa, famously bereft of any hair whatsoever below her neck, despite doing nothing to maintain it. You think miracles don't still happen in modern Catholicism?

Achewood

Todd handles life like a dimpled ball handles golf.

Achewood

I'm not even going to look up if that's true. I don't want that search on the Internet's conscience.

Zen Window

For Easter, he gets the same string passed from exit to entrance. To symbolize resurrection, obviously.

Achewood

Some viruses aren't microscopic

Lonesome Cowpoke

He's gonna need to keep Jorg-Dieter away from her

Achewood

Those Squirrel brothers really have a type, don’t they?

Douglas Wykstra

I don't require perfect continuity from a decades-old comic, but it is fun to read this and realize that the squirrel dating scene is every bit as depraved and reckless as Todd intimated almost exactly 20 years ago: https://achewood.com/2006/07/19/title.html

Douglas Wykstra

Whattaya think they do on holidays? Pray and sweep?

Kriegsaffe No. 9

Mutually assured consensual destruction (MACD)

Zen Window

hahahahaha and Beef is in the exact same shorts, likely drinking the exact same brand of beer.

Zen Window

I'd worry about Char going full Baroness with that kind of money, who you will note didn't side with G.I. Joe.

Julie (HiDeeHoGal)

Yes. She is a bad bitch who's not afraid to step up.

Oppido

Boy, would I love to see the Tinder profile that got Todd a date. I assume it's all plagiarized words and AI images, but still, Todd would've had to make decisions about what to curate. No way he has the scratch to pay someone to do it for him.

Amy Lewis

I'm hoping for Chartreuse

Glenn Ramsy

Where was Char- when Todd auto-decapitated that one time failing to yell balls the loudest? Retcon her into the audience for easy continuity.

Glenn Ramsy

Character To Be Developed.

Achewood

It's easy to manage consistency and continuity when you just base a character off your cousin.

Tim Melody Pratt

there's a lid for every pot and a waffle for every iron

Achewood

This makes me realize how deep and twisted the backstory here could get. Like psychological thriller stuff, does Char— even know who she is, etc. But unfortunately the next three months will just be about hummus push pops.

Achewood

I bet that turned her on. Maybe she'll discover that that was actually him, and spare him, as she recognizes he's one of the Good Ones.

Achewood

I thought there would be more Likes for a dirty strip, but I guess we're back to feelgoods where Beef accomplishes great goals by overcoming his demons. Sigh!

GH

From "rock-hard cat" to "singed-and-smashed squirrel" the online comic strip Achewood offers the discerning reader the full cartoon animal cock spectrum

Elyse Renée

Everything’s coming up Todd!

Jasen Johns

Here to request a "Destroy my one go at the miracle of happiness in an unlikely universe." bumper sticker. Don't make me beg, Onstad.

Jay Y

A great question posed by the canon: Can Todd read? Ray says no, but he has assembled passable dating profiles and once tried to answer the riddle at the hell Friendly's (magic may have been involved)

Eric Bradford

Please do not misunderstand, "rough chuckles" is in no way a bad thing

NotAnon

Todd has found the relationship cheat code of finding someone's freak who matches yours. That said, he's doing it on hard mode and doing it in person. Though I question whether he can handle anything with more computing power than it a middle school calculator So maybe it was only ever his only choice

Glenn Ramsy

"mind if I give it a spin first?"

Tucker

Has Todd finally found the one he'd wear a gunny sack for?

Achewood

I keep hearing that Fievel song

Achewood

I really need to do a Cornelius strip and clean things up around here

Achewood

“Schwing”? Sorry, it’s a Todd kind of day

Achewood

Permission to paste that in at Redbubble.

Achewood

Todd is a straight analog social romance Evel Knievel

Achewood

Drowned in a gunny sack, more like

PanEle

Todd's tactlessness appears quaint versus this lady's straight-talking aggressive perversion. He's cracking all these ribald knee-slappers while she's sizing him up for dickwaffling and piss suffocation.

Thunk

The body language

Daniel M Ford

If Todd can find love, what excuse does anyone else have?

rickward

isn’t this what we’re all looking for in a partner, whether on Tinder or elsewhere? Some want a ride-or-die, I am looking for my ride-and-kill-and-make-one-beg-for-surcease

Hunter Runion

Damn, that answer could use some work.

C C

I think it more likely he got Teodor to write the profile for him in exchange for three pre-rolls and a guitar pick that allegedly came from Van Halen's Diver Down tour. T didn't actually believe the guitar pick story but he'd been dry for over a week and the profile took him about ten minutes start to finish.

A. Hamster

I know an ER nurse and she says it’s the same guy back every month. Different light bulb, though.

Oppido

I can definitely see Todd making this offer, and Teodor agreeing to it. On the other hand... I feel like if Teodor knew how to write a Tinder profile that resulted in dates, he wouldn't be Teodor. My headcanon is that Todd picked the right moment to ask Ray for this favor (i.e., Ray was stoned at the time), and Ray came through with something just weird and playful enough to get some percentage of women to agree to a curiosity coffee.

Bill

I am excited for the terrifying spiral of destruction as these two nutjobs try to out-crazy each other in a twisted, vain effort to satisfy their egos. As Ray once said, "dumbass squirrels ain't nothin' but trouble!"

Bill

I cannot help but feel that these two are going to party in a way that is too much even for Showbiz.

Staniel Timothen

Some people just -say- “be yourself.” Here, Todd lives it, no matter what.

Achewood

Nobody has called him on implying mother Teresa wasn’t satisfied with ass play

Achewood

At first I read the last part as “make one into a suitcase” and I LIKED it

Achewood

It’s not superbly rendered but I did want her to subtly menace closer

Achewood

I really think there are going to be a lot of answers we didn’t ask for pretty soon.

Achewood

This is either a very magnanimous take, or you are happy Todd is about to get Miseried

Achewood

Showbiz plays it seasoned but the guy would panic if a girl so much as kissed him

Achewood

And that is why Todd has never had a job, a home, or a document. But he’s out there, daring us to throw it all away for no good reason.

Hunter Runion

I'm not willing into the ether a panel of Todd T. Squirrel en flagrante, but if the machinations of creativity deem it so.

Thunk

quietly penciling "Rough Chuckles" as a potential alias

Paul

Superb, had a good irl chortle at the Mother Teresa and breakfast appliance lines

Sedric and Charlie

We'd be getting into a much more Specialist niche than I think anyone is pushing for out of Achewood, but Todd's extremely mutable mortality and probably high tolerance for extremes (he does only listen to double music after all) means he and Char-- would probably make a delicately balanced but surprisingly robust couple. And really wouldn't you prefer they were keeping each other out of the wider society?

Sedric and Charlie

I always assumed Polly was still around and we just never see her because Cornelius recognises he's better off keeping his relationships away from the rest of the gang

The Good Poster

I have the strangest feeling this Achewood storyline, somewhere in a dark corner of the internet, has been written before. Can an erotic fanfiction, an ekphrasis, be a fingie up the melon baller of God, mystically inspiring its own antecedent? Would Borges have tried to answer that question if it required thinking about a squirrel getting his doodle scrambled in a waffle iron?

The Good Poster

After writing this I realized that 'alternating family Christmases' means this Grade-A sexual sadist will be spending winters in Germany. Perfektion

Jason S

🎶What about TODD! Don't you want someone to care about yoooo What about TODDD! Don't let him slip awaaaayy🎶

Achewood

The mother Teresa line got too little love. Thank you. I thought that was fairly pure Achewood.

Achewood

With a dead cousin, which actually seems perfect.

Achewood

I’m going to call this Heart without even looking it up

Achewood

He's done some nude work before. Possibly even in the Jorg-Dieter strip. I seem to remember having to draw his "area" for a panel or two.

Achewood

Rough chuckles are the True Chuckles, we don't forget that here behind the putter rental counter of contemporary American culture

Achewood

It would be some Hills Like White Elephants action to distill that kind of relationship into a single page comic, but...hold my beer (maybe, we'll see, I like the challenge)

Alex Schlesinger

I assume it’s a crispy Stella. That golden action is so crunchy.

Professor Hazard

This lady already knew Todd was trouble because he's nude at a restaurant

Jason S

'Tis! And now I will forever associate that milquetoast Top 40 song from an otherwise stellar band with Todd. I'm calling it a win.

Datura

it feels good to be toddpilled

cody

The single-finger-on-the-table in panel 7 was just right.

Michael G.

After considering this a day I've come to the conclusion that this is on brand for Todd.

FactWino

Carr, “Tod, it’s time to be the Christmas garland!”

FactWino

Hah! Just like Fes on That ‘70s Show - Foreign Exchange Student

FactWino

Them good old Squirrel boy’s’re at it again.

A. Hamster

“I guess there is no ‘us’ in ‘uterus’” is what would have come out of my mouth next

Achewood

If I had been cruel, and also searingly clever, I would have delivered that line. Being neither, I simply wished her well, and probably went on to date somebody far less suitable.

Achewood

Hilariou———wait a minute, how does this somehow cost me and the rest of us money

A. Hamster

I will call my insurance provider and ask how many assbulbs in a calendar year are counted as covered incidents

Matthew Miller

Did you ever hear the one about when the masochist met the sadist? The masochist said "hurt me! hurt me!" And the sadist said "no."